Josh Temple <tarne_of_eat@sluggy.net> writes:
Sorry about this... thing.
Ranko's Makeover
Yet Another Ranma Sailor Moon fic thingy.
By Josh Temple
Ranma sat in the bathroom holding a bar of soap in her hands. It
was one of several that she had, but she was loath to use them,
especially to lock her in her female form.
I'd suggest 'herself' here
She would not even be
having the decision except for one thing: she missed her mother and
making the decision ?
Nodoka sighed as she looked at the small suitcase and large backpack
the redhead was carrying. The girl hardly had any decent clothing,
and the few feminine clothes she did have almost seemed to be
costumes that were worn once and forgotten.
Heh
"Where are we going auntie?" Ranma asked. She had noticed that
going, Auntie?
after they got off at a Jubban subway station they had not taken the
normal route to Nodoka's house.
I normally see this as Juuban.
"It's a surprise, Ranko. I think you'll like it," Nodoka reassured
reassured Ranko (or 'the girl')
with a smile. The girl had cooperated so far.
Ranma looked at her mother's eyes. The store seemed normal, as did
it's patrons and employees. "Fine. If it will make you happy," she
its
said, giving in. "But nothing permanent, just a wash, and maybe a
trim," Ranma added, her face stern.
What exactly is Ranma expecting from a beauty salon that's more
permanent than a hair cut? Plastic surgery?
"Of course," Nodoka said, her face brightening. That was all she
expected really. She would have to take baby steps with Ranko, but
this was progress.
The two women then entered the salon.
'then' seems a bit awkward. I'd suggest omitting it.
In addition to being the owner, Kikuko Ayanami was the head stylist.
Today she had cleared a spot in her schedule to do a personal favor
for one of her longtime clients. The woman looked up from her desk
when she heard the door open. There was Nodoka and with her was
another girl. The stylist in her appraised the young woman. She
had potential, great potential, unfortunately she looked to be quite
the tomboy. However, Kikuko had a plan.
Interesting prejudices there. Tomboy styles are still styles.
"Ranko, this will be your stylist, Mrs. Ayanami," Nodoka introduced.
"Please call me Kikuko," the stylist said in a friendly
voice. "What would you like today?" she asked the redhead who
seemed to still be evaluating the situation.
redhead, who
"Just a wash and a trim," Nodoka stated.
"Okay," Kikuko replied, "You can take the center chair when your
you're
ready," she told Nodoka as she pointed to the only open styling
chair. "Ranko will have to go in the back with me."
Ranma looked over the woman. With luxurious chestnut-colored hair
and a good looking body, she had to be in her late twenties at the
oldest. While Ranma did not trust the stylist further than she
could throw this store, she did not feel any ill intention from the
woman. She shrugged and followed the stylist into the back room.
Inside she found a replica of the facilities in the front area,
except on a smaller scale. There were only two styling chairs in
this room as opposed to the five in the front.
"I wanted to expand the number of people the store could
handle. Unfortunately, this dividing wall is load bearing," Kikuko
explained as she tapped the wall that divided the front room from
the back room. "Now if you don't mind, please sit in the washing
chair," Kikuko said as she pointed to a chair that had a sink
designed for washing hair in it.
Ranma leaned back into the chair. A towel was placed in between the
curved cutout of the sink and her neck to prevent water from
dripping. Kikuko then closed the door and started playing some
soothing white noise music.
I'd suggest 'elevator music' as a better sign of music than white
noise, which might not be very soothing at all.
The stylist then unbraided the redhead's hair. "What do you want
with this cord?" Kikuko asked holding a thread-like object that had
been braided into the girl's hair.
"Just put it off to the side," Ranma said, looking at the dragon's whisker.
The stylist then inspected the redhead's hair. She was trying to
You're using 'Noun then verb' quite a bit.
figure out what shampoo would be best. She had a sinking suspicion
as to which one it would be. As she did this she tried to convince
the girl to try a different style. The teen was adamant in sticking
to just a wash and maybe shortening her pigtail.
Kikuko nodded she had expected as much, fortunately she had a secret
weapon.
Kikuko nodded; she had expected as much. Fortunately
Yep, real good stylist. It's not what the customer wants, it's all
about the stylist, bay-bee.
One of the many shampoos she ordered had a special
ingredient in it. Supposedly, it was the powdered petals of a
flower that when placed in a woman's hair made them into ideal
housewives. Once the flower was removed the woman would revert back
to normal. Normally Kikuko would have chuckled at such nonsense, but
this shampoo did have an unusual effect.
The stylist found that it was most effective at rounding off the
edges of tomboys. Much like the flower that it is used in it, the
shampoo only lasts for a limited time. To maintain it's
effectiveness the shampoo must be used daily, otherwise it will wear
off.
Tense problems.
This should be exactly what this redhead needed. Kikuko then
proceeded to wet the redhead's hair. She then took one of the
bottles and poured some into her hand and started massaging it into
the girl's hair.
There's that 'Noun then' again, but in very close proximity.
Ranma smiled at the pleasant smell of the shampoo. It reminded her
of lilacs. The massaging being done to her scalp also felt real
good. Even the background music was nice and soothing. The stylist
engaged her in small talk and Ranma responded, not wanting to be
rude to the woman. Ranma felt very relaxed and if not for the
conversation with Kikuko, might have fallen asleep.
As Kikuko got to work she found that even with the help of the
shampoo this girl would be a tough nut to crack. Surprisingly, the
poor redhead did not even have a female self image. This is the
first thing Kikuko must remedy, if she hoped to make Ranko into the
young woman that Nodoka wanted her to be.
How did she know that? From conversation?
Ranma's mind numbed even further as the shampoo began to work into
her. The redhead did not notice when her thinking switched. She was
a boy cursed to be in a girl's body one moment and a girl the next.
After this happened she became much more receptive to the
conversation with her stylist and the suggestions the woman was
putting forth. Kikuko kept asking her about what her goals were,
what values were important to her, how did she want to conduct
herself. Each time the redhead answered, the stylist would offer
suggestions to how she might do things better. The young woman was
appreciative of Kikuko's help.
The redhead got her views on femininity from two main sources.
sugg "had gotten her views"
Her
father, despite being widely discredited to her, was still a very
large part of her childhood. The other was her mother, a recent
addition to her life, but nonetheless one with considerable sway.
From Genma she knew that girls were weak, emotional, in need of
protecting, lacked martial arts skill, girlish, and supposed to be
were
wives and mothers. From Nodoka's example she knew that women should
be motivated and driven yet always obedient to their husbands, talk
in a gentle tone and with kind words, be affectionate, be ladylike,
and be wives and mothers.
Er... how's he have that? At the point I'm guessing this is at (where
Nodoka does not yet know his identity), Nodoka has not been a wife or
mother; and Ranma has only Genma's terrified reactions to clue him how
Nodoka dealt with him. (The fact that she's apparently prepared to
kill her husband against his will suggests she may not be all that
obedient to him...)
The girl having her hair washed knew that as an aspiring wife and
mother she must be ladylike, polite, kind, gentle, affectionate, and
emotional. She was determined to get the training to become the
best woman she can be.
could be
Kikuko was pleased with her progress. Ranko was coming along very
nicely. The girl she was talking to now was vastly better than the
one that walked into this room. There was one oddity. When Kikuko
started she asked Ranko what she did in her free time. The
redhead's immediate response was martial arts. Now however...
had been
"No, I'm not a martial artist," Ranko replied as she thought about
how her hair should be styled. "When I was younger I did a bit, but
I never learned much. I stopped because it was inappropriate," the
redhead explained. She was a girl and not supposed to do martial
arts. She was glad for this. Fighting was such an ugly thing.
The earlier parts didn't really indicate that she was losing her
memory. Nor did the shampoo seem to indicate any change in meory.
Ranko supposed that if she ever found herself in a fight she would
try to talk her way out. Failing that she'd have someone step
forward and protect her. If there is no one else then with great
there were ... everything else is subjunctive, so this should be also
reluctance she would defend herself. She does doubt as to what she
could do. After all, she is a girl and has no real skill.
Kikuko dismisses the discrepancy. Obviously, Ranko simply found her
old hobby distasteful in light of her new outlook on life.
Everything else about her was the same. She was still Ranko
Tendo. She still lived in Nerima with her cousins and uncle.
Now with an appreciative client Kikuko can discuss what to do with
her hair with Ranko's enthusiastic input. The stylist knew that the
girl would now want more than just a wash and a trim.
She dried Ranko's hair and took her to one of the styling chairs and
got to work. The redhead's hair was then trimmed and sculpted. The
untamed mop that was once tied into a pigtail was controlled and
shaped.
It became a gently curving and wavy body that had a slight part on
her left and spilled down to Ranko's shoulder blades in a waved
cascade. The style was rather close to that of Nodoka's save for the
brilliant red color and that her hair was loose instead of in a bun.
Kikuko finished and turned Ranko's chair around so she can see her
reflection. Ranko beams when she sees her new hairstyle. "It is so
beamed.
You keep falling into this tense trap.
"Oh Ranko, do you want that cord that was in your hair before?"
Kikuko asked.
Ranko looked at the thread. She remembered keeping it in her hair,
but could not place the reason for why it did seem somewhat
important, maybe sentimental reasons. "Might as well," she finally
sugg "important. Sentimental reasons?"
said, as she put it in her purse.
"Remember use this shampoo every time you shower should use that
shampoo," Kikuko said. For today's changes to last Ranko would have
to keep putting the shampoo in her hair.
The first sentence is self-redundant :-); the third sentence is quite
redundant with the description given above.
Ranko smiled and twirled around showing her aunt the back of her
dress and the spill of her hair. The girl then walked over to
Nodoka, embraced her and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you so
much. You were right. I had no idea what I was missing," Ranko
gushed.
So this suggests Ranma didn't lose all of her memory...
From the roof of another building a green haired woman watched two
other women leave a salon. Sailor Pluto then sighed in contentment.
A highly probable risk had just been negated. It was all a matter of
placing the right item in the right person's hand at the right
time. She was just amazed that things had gone off so well.
The former martial artist was not the first risk that she had
neutralized nor would it be the last. Now the probability of Crystal
Tokyo was much better. As it was not really Ranma's fault Pluto had
devised of a humane way to deal with him. Ranko will happily live
devised a humane
Ranko would
After stopping at Nodoka's house to drop off Ranko's suitcase. The
suitcase, the
Nodoka smiled again. It was simply amazing how well the girl had
adapted. It was almost as if there was another person inside of her
just waiting for the opportunity to get out. Ranko's fashion sense
was also developing along nicely. Nodoka then noticed the next
garment that Ranko had put on. "No absolutely not!" the older woman
stated.
stated? That seems a bit flat for the exclamation mark
"I'm so very proud of you today," Nodoka said, her voice straining
to stay even. "I'm going to let you pick out any three things. Just
nothing too expensive. I'm not made of money," she joked. While
Nodoka would technically have been able to pay for the three most
expensive items. It would have severally drained her savings.
items, it
Her family if not astoundingly wealthy was then very comfortable.
, if not astoundingly wealthy,
Nodoka would never have to work a day in her life. She feared that
this was one of the reasons Genma had married her. Fortunately, her
accounts had been set up so that she was the only one that could
access them.
Ranko placed her other purchases down and then wandered around the
store like a kid in a candy-store. The first thing the eliminated
she
***************
Wearing a frilly apron over her blue skirt and white and blue top,
Ranko leaned over and checked the turkey breast and sweet potatoes
she was roasting in the oven. Satisfied with how they were cooking
she walked back to the fridge to prepare the salad. She hummed to
herself as her blue Mary Jane's clicked on the tile floor.
PETER PARKER: MJ! You're an Oan? And a clone?
Since they had returned from that trip to the mall on Ranko's first
day, Nodoka had not prepared a single meal. Instead, she instructed
had instructed
Ranko blushed a bit and giggled as she read the entry that the book
had fallen open to. It was the first one she had made in this book.
It detailed the name, height, approximate weight, age, eye color,
hair color, attractiveness, personality, hobbies, conversational
aptitude, general rating, and a few other factors, of the butcher's
assistant that she had bought the turkey from at the market
today. After she bought the meat she chatted with him for a bit.
had bought, had chatted
She calmly walked back to the kitchen. It would not do to panic.
The meal was most likely fine, and if things needed tending Nodoka
tending, Nodoka
"Ranko this meal is fabulous," Nodoka congratulated from her
position across the table from Ranko. Naturally, the redhead had
properly set the utensils and plates for the meal and had served the
food with care.
"Thank you," Ranko said after pausing to swallow.
"I think you really have some skill. You went above and beyond with this. You even added to the recipes," Nodoka observed.
"It was nothing," Ranko replied with a blush. The two women
continued eating for a couple minutes. Ranko finally decided to ask
her first question. "Auntie, would I be eligible for the joining of
houses? I am a Tendo after all?"
, after all.
"Oh my," Kasumi commented as she gazed upon the redhead. "Ranko,"
the elder Tendo started, using Ranma's alias to prevent her from
getting in trouble. "This is amazing."
"I know," Ranko beamed. "I have aunt Nodoka to thank for this and
Aunt
Kasumi blinked at this. Ranma acting as a girl for her mother was
one thing, although in this case it was a bit extreme, but eating
politely and having proper manners was another. "So auntie Nodoka
has been training you on how to be a lady?" Kasumi asked.
Auntie
Kasumi nodded. Given how extensive Ranma was doing the Ranko-act
extensively
Nodoka had a contented look on her face as she watched Ranko leave
the house for school. She was most relived that the administration
at Jubban was understanding as to what had happened to Ranko's
records. Furinkan was known for sloppy paperwork and there was more
than one case of them simply loosing a student's permanent
records. The high school in Jubban had similar problems with their
own records.
Ranko still had to take a placement test. One that she did
adequately enough. on. She would have to keep her grades up and
have tutoring. That Ranko had also been looking at student
organizations and had impressed the head of the cooking club, who
was the vice-principal had to have helped as well. There was another
principal, had
Loki was standing next to the Saotome woman when he saw Ranko appear
and walk down the stairs. His outward expression was that of a
respectable young man who was appreciative of his date's beauty.
Inside, his anger at a certain time Guardian grew. He will
definitely show her the problems a girl with aspirations of being a
housewife can do.
do problems? Cause problems, perhaps...
"Hello, Eric," Ranko beamed as she walked down the stairs. Most of
her concentration was on the perfect walk. She wanted to make an
excellent impression on him.
Loki smiled at his date. She filled out her top and skirt very
nicely, and walked to show it off. He inhaled deeply and offered to
take her out.
The paragraph starts focused on Loki, but the observations don't seem
to fit him.
"Really?" Ranko asked as her eyes brightened. Eric had done rather
well so far and if this gift was good he would earn some big points.
"Yes. When we first met, I saw your pendant and I knew what I had to
get," Eric said as he pulled a long thin grey box out from within
his coat. He then handed it to the girl.
Ranko held the box in her hands. The dimensions suggested a piece of
jewelry most likely a watch, necklace, or bracelet.
jewelry: most
She was leaning to the last one.
Leaning in belief, or preference? It sounds like the former, but the
latter is what makes sense.
"I'm Ranma," the girl said finally acknowledging her past. Memories
of the last week and a half then hit her. "Oh, god. What have I
done? No. What have they done to me?"
Overall comments; I know you were trying to emphasize Ranma's
femininity, but some sections felt like they were just going through a
catalog of 'feminine' stuff. I'd suggest de-emphasizing, tightening
those sections; they just aren't very exciting.
You had a few grammar problems throughout (in particular, tense,
sentence fragments).
The biggest issue I had with this story was the initial premise, the
stylist doping Ranma with the shampoo. Pluto indicates to herself that
the only thing she did was provide Kikuko with the shampoo; otherwise
she didn't interfere. Kikuko's internal monologue suggests that she is
familiar with the shampoo's effects, from experience. The shampoo
seems to be what's responsible for Ranma losing his memory.
This is painting Kikuko to be a fairly manipulative and unethical
stylist. She basically has the ability to cause anybody who comes into
her salon to purchase much more than the person likely intended... she
almost literally brainwashes them. But her characterization is shown
as much lighter. Perhaps that was intended; or I missed something; but
it felt as I was reading it that the shampoo was doing much more than
it should have. It's also not really clear why Ranma would go to such
trouble to use the water-proof soap when she's changed all of her
other toiletries.
I recognized the Loki and Murdock characters from your other
stories. They were okay, although were I not familiar with them (in
particular, Murdock) I think I'd be a little frustrated by their
treatment. It's not really clear why Sailor Pluto believes Ranko would
live out her life; Nerima has had other behaviour/mind-altering
substances show up before, and the people have focused on defeating
them. Given that only a finite supply of shampoo was given , and that
new supplies would likely be disrupted were any of Ranma's normal
friends to try to restore him (for example, take him on a long
training trip away from showers), why would she think it had a chance
of success?
I did like the ending; it suggests that the next chapter will have
more of the emotional tension rather than simply descriptions of
ultra-feminine Ranko and manipulations by Great Powers (exaggerating
somewhat :-), but, as others have pointed out, not much overt conflict
or tension happened in this chapter).