----- Original Message -----
From: "Josh Temple" <tarne_of_eat@sluggy.net>
To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Friday, February 06, 2004 4:27 AM
Subject: [FFML] [R.5][SM]Ranko's Makeover

            "Where are we going auntie?" Ranma asked.

Auntie is acting as a proper noun here, so should be capitalised

            The redhead got her views on femininity from two main sources.

Her father, despite being widely discredited to her, was still a very large
part of her childhood. The other was her mother, a recent addition to her
life, but nonetheless one with considerable sway.

            From Genma she knew that girls were weak, emotional, in need

of protecting, lacked martial arts skill, girlish, and supposed to be wives
and mothers. From Nodoka's example she knew that women should be motivated
and driven yet always obedient to their husbands, talk in a gentle tone and
with kind words, be affectionate, be ladylike, and be wives and mothers.

I can see for what you did why you chose only those, but it may not be such
a good idea to ignore the influence and the fiancee brigade completly,
esecially Shampoo. She is both a martial artist and rather... aggresively
feminine as well.

            "Remember use this shampoo every time you shower should use

that shampoo," Kikuko said.

Suggest either: "Remember to use this shampoo everytime you shower.

or

"Everytime you shower use this Shampoo"

            From the roof of another building a green haired woman watched

two other women leave a salon. Sailor Pluto then sighed in contentment.  A
highly probable risk had just been negated. It was all a matter of placing
the right item in the right person's hand at the right time. She was just
amazed that things had gone off so well.

            The former martial artist was not the first risk that she had

neutralized nor would it be the last. Now the probability of Crystal Tokyo
was much better. As it was not really Ranma's fault Pluto had devised of a
humane way to deal with him.  Ranko will happily live out her life, and a
horrible cascade in the timeline will be adverted.

Ahh. The Pluto: The Manipulator interpreation.

            Nodoka approved of the earrings, and Ranko went to her next

selection.

<sniped>

Suggest toning down the watch description to a paragraph intead of three.
It's well written, but a little much IMHO

            However when he was observing the contents of the redhead's

dreams, he came up with a better idea. Granted this one required him to
alter his form slightly.  There was more than a hint of irony at his cover.
Eris was the name of the Greek goddess of strife and chaos. Discordia was
the Roman name for the same goddess.

            For a Norse god of chaos to use such a name for his cover

amused him greatly.

A techinacal point. While Loki was a trickster and delighted in spreading
disorder and mayhem, he wasn't the God of Chaos, he was the God of Fire.





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