I've not read the previous 25 chapters, so I don't know how much good 
these comments will do, but here goes nothing:

On 9 Jan 2004, at 18:23, Daniel Jess Gibson wrote:

[Ranma][NGE][HPL][AMG][Fusion][Fanfic] Sic Semper Morituri Chapter 26 -
Lady or Tiger?  Both!

Disclaimer:
I do not own any of the characters from Ranma 1 / 2, Neon Genesis
Evangelion, Ah My Goddess, or the Lovecraft Cycle involved in these
stories.  And I'll put them back when I've finished with them.

Chapter 26 - Lady or Tiger?  Both!
June 8, 1947
Letter from Sarah ggreg
HEY RACCOON!
     It's Sarah, Sarah ggreg.  I am officially Sarah ggreg, the 
adoption

Is "ggreg" her last name? If so, why isn't it capitalized?

was a mere formality.  I've got a lot to learn, over the summer I'll be

Do you really mean this? "a mere formality" would usually mean that she 
considers the "formal" (as in, I assume, legal) act of adoption to be 
relatively meaningless, like so: "Compared to the welcoming I'd 
received into the family, the actual adoption ceremony was a mere 
formality." This doesn't really fit with the way she says she is now 
"officially" a member of the family. Unless you were striving for this 
sort of dichotomy, I suggest a revision.

----------------------------------------
Lessons in Grammar and Math
     "Why are we doing this?" Asuka asked, she looked at the pilots and
their guards, who were assembled in Dr. Akagi's dining room.
     "Because we didn't finish the last weeks of school," Ice Princess
said, "Besides after spending most of last week underwater, I'd like to
spend some time with people."  Ice Princess looked out the window at 
the
rain coming down in buckets outside, "Also I don't want to be stuck 
testing
whatever Raccoon and Ritsuko are testing."
     Wondergirl stood up and headed for the door.
     "Wondergirl, you're leaving?" Asuka asked.

It took me a while to figure out who "Ice Princess", "Wondergirl" and 
the rest were. At first, I thought maybe Rei had multiple personality 
disorder or something (and that either the personalities were 
manifesting bodies or Asuka was crazy, maybe both). This is probably 
just because I'd not read the previous chapters, though.

     Ritsuko sighed, "I'll contact Security, they'll have to talk with
her," What did you do to get her to splash you? Ritsuko didn't add.

I may be on the minority in saying that nobody can sigh something; they 
just sigh and say it, or say it and sigh. I am sure, however, that I am 
not in the minority when I say that that is definitely a run-on 
sentence.

     Maya nodded again.  Ritsuko checked the strips from the chart
recorders, she wished she could muffle more of the sound, it was 
beginning
to get to _her_.

And this is also a run-on sentence.

----------------------------------------
     "Math, math and all day more math," Toji complained as he got 
ready to
leave Dr. Akagi's place, late in the afternoon.
     "That was the plan," Asuka retorted, hoping that Horseface had 
picked
up enough of the math to understand at least part of the AT field
manipulations.

Is it just me, or does Asuka really hate Ranko?

     "No, he is currently pursuing other projects," Gendo told his old
mentor, both knew it was code for Gendo's special project, that only 
the
two of them really understood.
     "His staff then," Fuyutsuki added, "You said nightmares, they may
literally bring those across."

Run-on

     Gendo nodded, watched Fuyutsuki leave the room where they stored 
the
pieces.  He had little doubt the activities would be useless, but it 
would
give the all important _appearance_ of doing something.
     When the actions failed, and the next disaster hit, it would 
force the
others to take the actions he needed them to take.  He'd doubted they'd
ever be aware how easily he manipulated them.
     Dr. Akagi's reactions were the most troubling, she knew the
requirements, and seemed to be ignoring them.  Katsuragi had 
inadvertently

Run-on

Rei earlier.  Something Rei had said, gave Nabiki the impression it was

extraneous comma

Raccoon dragged himself in, Dr. Akagi followed.  Nabiki thought Dr. 
Akagi

The comma separating "in" and "Dr." should be a period.

     Ranko joined Nabiki in the entryway, both watched how slowly and
deliberately Raccoon was taking off his boots, "Long-range transport 
test.

Run-on

     Nabiki considered, physical exhaustion and hours of sensory
deprivation or overload, they could get some answers out of him in that
state.

Run-on

     "'Kay." He pulled something out of the closet, Ranko couldn't see

Run-on

holding mana.  The extent of the knots and tension amazed Ranko, it was

Run-on

like the extent of the chi imbalances she was detecting, Nab-chan might

Run-on

     "New, bigger B-49, jet flying wing as transport for EVAs," 
exhaustion
muffled Raccoon's voice, "Faster than sea transport.  Needed to check
physio - body and mind effects."

And there isn't even any speech indicator at all in this run-on 
sentence.

kinks.  She sometimes wondered where she'd learned all this stuff, 
it's as

Run-on. Also, I suspect you wanted "it was", not "it's", which is the 
same as "it is".

to say anything, It was _her_ plan, why's she messing it up? Ranko

Run-on. Comma should be period.

     Ranko watched Nab-chan work for a little while, Ranko wondered 
where
Nab-chan had picked up the skill, she was obviously very good at it.  
From

Run-on

     Ranko felt Nab-chan's warning gaze before she looked up, her 
warning
to say nothing was unnecessary.

This is a run-on, as well as a little imprecise.

     Ranko felt her guts tighten at the flat statement, she put more
emotion into fixing dinner, so did Raccoon.  There was no change in the

Fixing dinner? This is also a run-on.

keeping her balance, physical and interior.

You probably want to make this more parallel. Either "physical and 
emotional", or "physical and spiritual", or "external and interior".

     "How do you know all this?" Ranko asked, now she detected changes,
cold seeped under her fingers, she hastily amended her question, 
"About our

Run-on

     Ranko thought Nab-chan was going to start jumping up and down on
Raccoon, Ranko desperately stifling her own laughter didn't help 
Nab-chan's
disposition one bit.

Run-on

  Ranko had determined to get the whole mess out
in the open, but could only ask one simple question at a time, 
Terrific,
when I really need a long-winded lecture, she agreed with Nabiki's
amusement, I can't get one.

Really long run-on. I'm going to stop commenting on these now. Just 
look for commas; they're not hard to find.

     "What about the monsters, the things we fight?" Ranko was getting
confused.
     "Hav' ta see us ta be en'mies," Raccoon told them, "They don', 
b'neath
th'r not'ce."

That's gotta be good for Ranma's self-esteem.

dressing up that way, Nab-chan admitted she was jealous.  Ranma never
dressed up for her, And she fills out my best outfit better than I can.

Run-on, and a mixing of unquoted thought with thought that should be 
quoted.

     "The full-sized sonic glaives are 175 feet, about 53 meters," 
Ramsey
told her.

Visions of Hotaru in a plugsuit... Sonic Glaive Surprise, anyone?

later gave the story any credence.  It might have been a warning to 
keep
such speculations to yourself, a murder as an object lesson fit Ikari's
sense of subtlety.

Explain this to me; perhaps I'm missing this, but how is a murder which 
occurs in a government facility considered subtle?

     The devices were simplicity itself.  Five 70mm HEAT warheads from 
the
old Japanese infantry cannon, all fixed to converge on the command 
chair,
triggered by a radio signal.  To prevent it from occurring 
accidentally,
the signal had to be on five very specific frequencies and transmit a 
very
specific signal pattern, one frequency after another.  The intricacies 
of
that mechanism were beyond her purview and that of her team.  The 
triply
redundant fuses to fire the warheads were not.  They too were 
electrical,
very clever, and would mean the death of anything in the way when they
fired.  But battery backups ran down, L.C.L. had a habit of getting 
into
_everything_, no matter how well sealed it was supposed to be.

So, Gendou and co are planning to kill the pilots, while they're inside 
the EVAs? Seems to be rather a waste (of pilots AND EVAs), unless 
they've got completely different plans for Third Impact.

     She finally had it in her hands.  Unit 02 took an en garde 
position
with the sonic glaive, on the open field on the NERV campus.  My 
design,
Asuka thought proudly.  "Finally, a real weapon."

Well, not HER hands, per se.

     Ritsuko dropped the dead feline, she leaned tiredly against the 
wall
of Sammi's apartment building.
     "The SPCA won't be happy with you," Sammi joked.

Society for the Protection of Cat-like Animals?

     "Where would you carry two boxes of ammu . . . ?" Asuka started,
"Don't lift your skirt!  Just tell us."
     "You might not believe me," Rei sat down again as she explained.

Hey, I wouldn't!

     "After you lost," Rei told her.  Asuka turned purple.
"Kraznyzamok-san said 'Asuka was so adorable'."
     "So what!  Sammi thinks a Panzerkampfwagen Konigstiger is cute!"

Can you even pronounce such a thing?

     "If nei - ther foes nor lov - ing friends . . . can hurt you.  If 
all
. . . men count with you, b - ut none too much, if you can f - ill the 
unfo
- rgiving mi - nute With six - ty seconds' worth of distance run . . 
.. You
- rs is the Earth and ever - ything that's in it, and wh - ich is mo - 
re .
. . you'll be a Man, my son!" Ranma felt wrung out, reading English was

A great poem, but not completely useful for Ranma, I think.

     "Maybe invent a portable music box and headphones, so I wouldn't 
have
to listen to silly questions in the middle of the night," Shinji told 
him,
"Good night."

Yeah! He could call it a "S-DAT" system!




Okay, this was pretty fun, though lots of confusing. I may just go back 
and read the last 25 chapters. Or I may not. That _is_ a lot of 
reading... We'll see.


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