Latin_D wrote:

Greetings.

I apologize for taking so long to reply, but free time is a rare commodity.
Good RK fics were always difficult to find in the FFML --and nowadays
they're just difficult to find, period-- so I thought the only one I've been
following lately deserved some public commentary.

Nonsense! :P The surprise factor alone more than made up for it. :)) I feel honored actually to get C&C from one of the FFML regulars... I remember you from my lurker days! :)  

Take everything I say with a grain of salt the size of my ego, and remember
this is only my opinion.

Yup. But of course. ;)

< > indicates character thoughts
" " indicates character speech

This is unnecessary, and it can be inferred from the context. And if it
can't, well, then you should fix that. :)

I dunno... force of habit? :) (shrugs helplessly) Each and every one of the chapters I've made has that little blurb that it'd almost be weird for me to remove it. 

_________________________________________________

Chapter 5: Refrain
_________________________________________________

Refrain? Wonder how this fits... Maybe Seta refrains from chopping Yahiko
into little pieces?

LOL!

Actually, it's an I's reference (that's the title of the second to the last chapter... and it sounded apt to me to name this chapter that way) But I doubt a lot of people would notice that, since, well, it's I's. :P 

And, I must say, you probably have a better grip of the English language than I do... as such, I must make several clarifications of your corrections so that I can incorporate them better in future ficcy activities. :P

     "Psycho-kid!" Yahiko yelled. "That last attack was pathetic! I
was cut deeper by an old, decrepit ninja!"

     <This is beginning to become... a fight to enjoy,> Soujiro Seta
thought as he prepared his attacking stance once more. "Really? That's
nice. I'd like to comment on your performance as well, but unfortunately
your sword has yet to touch me."

"his attacking stance" sounds a tad off to me. Maybe "offensive stance",
instead? Also, I'm not sure "prepared" is the best verb in this case...
maybe "settled into"?

Hm... I dunno, really. For one think, they sound okay to me. It's a given that they sound a bit 'dub-like' to others (as a prereader has noted) but other than that, I think most of it are nearly nitpicks. Will consider, though.

     Yahiko nearly growled at his adversary's... mostly correct remark.
<It's one thing for him to insult my sword skills since he's a better
swordsman and all... but to do it with that smiley face of his!? If he
thinks he's so hot, then he should challenge me to a fist fight to see
who's the better man!>

Then again, Saitou proved swordsmen weren't pushovers when it came to
fistfights, so that might not be the best idea. :P

LOL... so did Kenshin, but that was more in desperation than in anything else. :) OTOH, so did Shishio (with what he did with Sano), and since he trained Soujiro, maybe what you've noted is warranted. I dunno, Soujiro doesn't really strike me as the brawler, powerhouse type. :P

* Soujiro beats up Yahiko.
<Yahiko> U-urk.... ouch... if you think you're -ow- so hot... then y-you
should challenge me to... a cooking contest!

And, whaddyaknow, Soujiro got him beat in that too. (chuckles)

     <Yahiko-san... Seta-kun... they're both really good fighters. I
sort of envy them, knowing my vast inexperience in swordsmanship,> Kyoko
thought in awe as she openly gawked at the two prodigies.

Maybe you should put this paragraph later on? (If at all needed.) It adds
nothing to the scene, and it might detract from the action and the stars of
the scene, Yahiko and Soujiro.

As I have noted to a prereader (and I quote):

There _are_ people who beat themselves up at every chance they get. ^_^ Also, it's kind of a play of <spoiler> because, in <spoiler> she <spoilerspoilerspoiler> ^-^

     Yahiko tried his best not to fall face-first on the ground in utter
mortification. That done, he angrily rejoined, "Oh yeah? Well, your last
attack sucked!" <Why did it suck? It nearly gutted me like a fish.>
"Because... it was... far slower than your second attack and... and...
just a little faster than your first attack!" <I think...>

Now that's sharp wit.

That, or dumb luck. :P Either way, Yahiko wasn't really that sure of what he saw, because he's only beginning to understand (i.e. apply) what he has learned in his kenjutsu.

     The spiky-haired boy then blinked as he finally noticed something
amiss. <Hey, what happened to psycho-kid's hand guard?> His eyes widened
in disbelief. <Did I... break it? Could I... have actually come close to
hitting him?!>

Wow, shiny pretty nitpick!

You used "!?" earlier on, and now you use "?!". I favor the latter, myself,
but I've seen both. It would be an idea to be consistent, though.

Er... ok. Though I admit that I don't really pay attention much to those details. ^^; Silly me.

     Soujiro narrowed his eyes at the Tokyo Samurai ominously, though it
came out looking more like a blissful closed-eye expression because of
his gleeful smile. <He is correct. I used two steps before the Shukuchi
in my last attack. Can Yahiko-san actually tell how fast my Shukuchi
is?>

     The former Ten Ken took an unhesitating step forward, waking up
from his own meanderings. <Hm... I'll believe it once I see it,> he
thought. To Yahiko, he said, "If so, then prepare yourself. Here I go."

     Soujiro's visage completely disappeared within the span of a
fraction of a second.

If you stop and think about it, this shukuchi thingie is a Dragon Ball
ripoff. :P

LOL... that's not fair. :P Goku can already do Shinsoki (Godspeed or after image speed) at the age of 10. ^_^ 

     A visage of Kaoru suddenly entered Yahiko's mind's eye. Or was it
Chizuru? The Descendant of Tokyo Samurai wasn't completely sure.

"A visage of" sounds a tad awkward to me. Might try rephrasing that somehow.
(Simply "Kaoru's visage", maybe?)

Hm... yeah. It kinda does. Noted.

By the way, as I read it, Yahiko is remembering something from his past as
Soujiro attacks. Since you're actually including a sort of lead-in, I'm not
sure you need that scene break.

OTOH, I _personally_ don't like very, very, very long paragraphs highlighting a particular scene. :) I have a very short attention span, and even shorter patience. Heck, I break up my own action-filled scenes with dialogue, special attack announcements (KAME-HAME-HA!) or a reactive reaction to what's happening (such speed! such power! oooh! aaah!) etc. 

Basically, for me a long, dragging scene is a long, dragging scene. :)

     "Technically... yes, you did do the 'dumb' move correctly," Kaoru
acquiesced in a tone that wasn't very acquiescent at all. "But I wasn't
talking about the move... you got the execution all wrong! A true
Kamiya Kasshin Ryu practitioner should have...."

Hmm. Shaky territory, but since that wasn't the end of Kaoru's line, and
Yahiko simply stopped paying attention, I do believe you need only three
dots. Periods. You know what I mean. :)

Ellipses. :) After using those dot thingies so many times, there were people who were kind enough to name them for me. LOL.

Shaky territory indeed. I'm not exactly a master of the English language, so I'll have to ask... why only three? The next paragraph is a whole new line of thought altogether, so shouldn't the rant end then and there? I mean, with the ellipsis being terminated with a period, I mean? 

     Yahiko yawned as he blocked the rest of Kaoru's rant from his
mind. <Blah, blah, blah... why the hell is she so fussy? What got her
ponytail in a knot? Like she said, I practically mastered the Hiza-
something-or-whatever already! Does she really need to harp on me all
the time?> he wondered to himself irritably as he idly cleaned his ear
with his pinky.

Both in real life and particularly in the Rurouni Kenshin universe, the
names of the techniques were important. I believe he would at least know
that, if he's as familiar with it as you imply.

It was the first time Yahiko did the technique, but it was done a million times (c/o Kaoru) with a million repetitions (hence the 'familiarity'). He also barely listens to what Kaoru is saying... finally, he didn't really particularly like the technique.

Yahiko: I _wait_ for the opponent to charge, then I dive to crush his kneecaps?

Kaoru: Yeah, duh.

Yahiko: Lame. -_-

Er... so there? ^^;;

I do enjoy the fact that Yahiko seems reluctant to embrace the philosophy of
Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, or even the spirit behind its techniques. That's one of
the things I like about this fic, in fact. That Yahiko tried to combine KKR
and Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu seemed to be in character and logical, considering
his life story.

Muchos gracias on that, and I'm glad you enjoyed the fact. :) The most familiar Yahiko I have in mind is the whiny ten year old brat... sure, he's all grown up and stuff, but the Yahiko who really impressed me was the ten year old Yahiko who was threatening a giant like Raijuta with a shinai while hanging upside down. Now _that_ takes guts. :D

He isn't as calm and collected as he appeared in the epilogue Yahiko no
Sakabatou, on the other hand, but I'm willing to concede this much for the
sake of the story. Besides, the story might be set before it (not sure if
you've clarified that), and I imagine it's debatable, too. :)

When I first read Yahiko's Sakabatou, I was thinking, "Oh $hit, I got him all wrong' (I was already midway chapter 4 when I read it) OTOH, setting the whole thing _before_ Yahiko's Sakabatou won't be too much a problem. :)

     Chizuru had been worriedly pacing back and forth inside the
Sakaguchi soba shop for hours on end ever since that fateful afternoon.
Little wonder... she did have a lot to think about. <What the hell's
taking that brat so long?>

     She remembered Yahiko's earlier statement... it resounded in her
consciousness as clearly as an echo would in a deep valley.

You need to capitalize "It", methinks.

Hm. Now _there's_ something I really want to clarify. When does one capitalize words after an ellipsis, and when does one do not capitalize? It has me all... confuzzled and stuff. @_@

     "The vagabond's true name... it's not Himura Battousai. It's
Himura Kenshin," she repeated to herself. "Kenshin... what a weird
name." It wasn't that the name was strange... it was just that, for
Chizuru, it seemed strange for the anonymous vagabond to actually have a
name.

Er, why?

Chizuru: (shrugs) Mr. Anonymous having a name weird? I dunno... it just strikes me better that way. Besides, I've gotten used to calling him, 'rurouni.'

     Chizuru shook her head vehemently. "Unbelievable... who would have
thought that _that_ rude young boy could actually know, much less be in
league with the Battousai himself? Absolutely unbelievable...."

Comma after "with".

Oh, ok. Missed that. Will revise.

     Actually, it was feasible in a sense... after all, the Battousai
she knew... the rurouni... was a complete and total wimp. For the
vagabond to associate with a foul-mouthed brat like Yahiko... and, say,
a look-alike of herself and a strong, gangster-type of fellow... wasn't
really that much of a stretch to the imagination. In fact, it seemed
rather... apt.

Hmm. Considering this paragraph and a few before it, I think you're
overusing the ellipses. The prose reads stilted and off when there're too
many of them close together. Try using dashes, colons and semi-colons
wherever possible.

Ah yes... my ellipses infection. Whoops! There I go again. ^^; It may take a while, but I'll get to use dashes, colons and semi-colons soon... just have to get... ellipses... out of my-- system! There! Haha, gotcha! :P

     Chizuru blinked. "Where the hell did that come from?" She was
having weird thoughts again. This wasn't the time for such silliness.

Didn't seem that weird to me.

Chizuru: (drolly) I'm not you. _

     "Later... I won't be long," the spiky-haired boy had called out
that momentous afternoon.

Um. At the beginning of the scene you said "fateful afternoon". Considering
that, you might just be overdoing it here.

I know! It took me several minutes to patch that up, but the best I could come up with is 'momentous'. (sigh) Another word for afternoon that doesn't sound... ugh? 

[...]

     "I hope I know what I'm doing," Yahiko whispered to himself as he
eyed a nearby bamboo grove behind him. He then quickly backed up towards
the said grove, keeping his wary eyes on the quickly approaching gushes
on the ground care of Soujiro's rapid footwork.

"towards said"

Hm... ok. Done.

And there's something off in the last sentence, although I'm not sure what
you meant to write. Reword.

(scratches) I would if I knew what was off. ^^; As an 'artist', I have come to realize the importance of not editing too much of what already works just because of a tad 'akwardness', lest risk muddling the whole thing altogether. 

Simply put, I'd love to revise, but what should I revise first? I have to know so that I'll find out if I agree with you or not with whatever it is to be revised. :)

     "Always remember that the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu is a defensive martial
arts school... it isn't designed to overwhelm an opponent with pure
offense... it's no Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu!" Yahiko could almost hear Kaoru
lecture in his head. "The best way to execute a Kamiya Kasshin Ryu
maneuver is to fight defensively... at least _Yuta-Kun_ understands
this...."

YAHIKO: Yuta-kun can only use one arm, so he doesn't count! So there!

Actually, Yuta-kun is <spoilityspoilerspoiler> ^_^

I think Japanese suffixes such as "-kun" shouldn't be capitalized.

Ah... yes. My mistake. ^^; I dunno how that got there! 

     <Shut up, you old hag,>  Yahiko mentally scolded, berating the
voice in his head. <Okay... let's remember the _important_ things
raccoon-girl said....>

Extraneous space before "Yahiko".

Thanks. Will revise.

     "First rule... set up the distance properly... a mere inch may mean
the difference between life and death," Yahiko began reciting to himself
mockingly, mimicking Kaoru's high-pitched whine, enumerating everything
in his head as if he had it all memorized by heart.

     The beatings on the ground began to get louder as it came nearer to
the boy.

The ground didn't come nearer, so "as Soujiro came", "as they came" -- or
rephrase. BTW, "beatings" isn't the word you're looking for, I believe.

(nods) True.

     "Second rule...  position yourself carefully so that you could limit
your opponent's movements. Use your environment and surroundings to your
advantage."

"you can limit", perhaps?

K'.

     He took a deep breath as he placed himself in front of the cluster
of bamboo in such a way that it looked like he was cornered at a dead
end. In actuality, it helped Yahiko limit Soujiro's choices of attack...
a side attack would be too awkward and a rear attack was out of the
question with such a position. There was only one option of assault: a
frontal one.

"In actuality" is correct, but it sounds weird to me. :)

^^; 'Actually' sounds too... narrator-ish to me, actually. :P

     He looked at the charging Soujiro in chagrin... he was looking
in chagrin because he could not see a charging Soujiro at all.

"He was looking" Capitalize. Cute, though.

Double thanks for the correction and the 'praise'. :P

     <Hm... I may have a little problem with that third rule Kaoru
gave.> The Tokyo Samurai's son gritted his teeth in frustration. If he
attacked with the Hiza Hijiki too early, he'd be wide open... if he
attacked too late, well, he'd be too dead to regret it. <Dammit... of
all the people I get to fight, why did it have to be Kenshin junior?>

Heh.

But of course, only true hardcore fans could get that little joke. :P 

     He winced as he retreated too far into the bamboo grove, his
injured shoulder accidentally bumping into one of the stalks. He felt
pain anew. His eyes blurred a bit as he fought through the pain. He
concentrated hard to regain focus.

Too many short sentences, so it sounds a bit wooden. Not to mention three of
the sentences begin with "He". More variation would help.

Intentional... one of the techniques I've employed in my prose. Yahiko's narrative became wooden as his mind concentrated more on the pain. His prose should flow better in his 'healthier' moments. :)

[...]

***

Definitely no need for a scene break. There're other, better ways to pause
the narrative for a moment. It would have made for a killer cliffhanger,
though. :P

LOL. Cool. Oh yeah... what are these supposed 'better ways' to pause the narrative for a moment. :)

      Soujiro suddenly let out several furious beatings from his
powerful legs to halt his momentum. The ex-Heaven Sword then quickly
retreated a good distance away from Yahiko as the younger boy
overextended himself.

Same comment as before regarding "beatings". Also, this could be described
better, considering it's a key moment in the fight.

      <Impossible! How could he...?!>

It's called "absurdly powerful foes" and "the wonders of shounen manga",
Yahiko. :P

Well, the little joke I made in Fanfiction.net reviews was, "As 'Rurouni Yahiko' comes to an end, please support my new fanfic, 'Rurouni Soujiro,' set after the events of RY chapter five." :P

      Yahiko was now wide open.

      With no further disputation nor contention, the former Ten Ken
shattered the distance between him and Yahiko as he charged again with
his Shukuchi.

***

Another break you might want to skip.

Maybe. OTOH, for me, it's all about style and preference (as I've explained earlier) :P

     Kyoko almost let out a scream as Yahiko left himself vulnerable to
Soujiro's counterattack. <No... Seta-kun... don't!>

It will be interesting to see what you made of Seta-kun's post-manga life,
considering his actions. It's pretty obvious he wasn't the one that
slaughtered all those thugs --would've been interesting if the readers
actually shared Yahiko's doubts in that respect, actually-- but still.

Hm. You read my mind. :) That'd be the chapter after this first, major arc (the... *ahem* Genpuku arc, if you would believe)

     The exhilaration from Yahiko's own adrenaline rush overwhelmed him
so much that his overexcited breathing began to suffocate him.

Hmm. The three "over-something"s in these last two sentences caught my eye
as I read on. Might want to rewrite.

(scratches head) Will consider.

[...]

     <Calm down... deep breath... composure...> Yahiko cooed to himself
as he fought against the growing annoyance inside of him. Soujiro really
was one of the few people that could really get under his skin.

Few people? Saitou, Kaoru, Sano, Misao... Either he's lying to himself, or
you're thinking of someone else. :P

;)

     The sixteen-year-old was about to rejoin with something nasty about
Soujiro's ancestry but stopped himself cold as he saw the look in the
older boy's eyes.

     Those eyes... it chilled Yahiko to the bone. It was as if he was
staring Death in the eye.

Either "they chilled" or capitalize "It".

So I should capitalize 'It' without terminating the ellipsis (i.e., an ellipsis and a period or four dots)?

     "You seem very fond of Himura-san's Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu... but you
do not have a monopoly on his techniques."

Y'know. If it were possible to learn Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu techniques by
watching them a few times, they wouldn't be so legendary. I can buy that
Yahiko would be able to create reasonably good facsimiles with Kenshin's
occasional instruction and years of living with him and watching him fight,
but Soujiro knowing them is straining my suspension of disbelief.

Soujiro is...

He _is_ a genius,

Yup, that's the word I was looking for. :P


 though, so what the heck. But my advice would be to tone

down his knowledge on the school.

I understand what you're saying. So, let me clarify by saying that Soujiro isn't going to switch from Shukuchi charging to 'Tenken Ryu' (Battou-jutsu) to  Hiten Mitsurugi... he's not the Hiko of the story, just the overpowered rival-type person, mmkay? :))

OTOH, he was able to understand the philosophy etc. behind the Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki by watching... he can also have things 'self-taught' (his Battou-jutsu was self-taught... meaning he could have learned it by watching as well) so him knowing the second most powerful move of HMR isn't really stretching it, IMO.

Thirdly, it's a good ruler of what Soujiro's skill level is compared to Yahiko. :P (Ryu Tsui Sen vs. Kuzu Ryu Sen? C'mon! :D) 

General comment: sometimes when you quote Yahiko's thoughts in the middle of
the tensest moment of the fight you're creating a pause you might not want.
Besides, it seems as if you were having him explain himself how he feels, as
opposed to showing us with his actions and reactions.

I've always had a problem with 'show' vs. 'tell'. Whenever I 'show', people barely notice/understand the scene (i.e. can barely read between the lines). Whenever I 'tell', people take notice and correct me. So I've decided to just type what sounds good to me. :)

Oh, and I've explained the reason behind the 'thought' breaks per scene... over-description in total silence without dialogue or character introspective bores me to death. ^^;;

     Yahiko slowly drew his sakabatou back until it nearly touched his
spine. He then closed his eyes once again as he walked towards Soujiro's
charge. His only certainty was doubt.

Either drop "was", or change the last comma for a dash or a period.

Done. :)

     He then struck as hard as he could with the sakabatou, putting his
trust on an ambiguous gamble.

I don't quite manage to picture what he did in my head.

Good. :P I didn't mean it to be picturable.

     <Oh no... this is...?> His eyes then widened. <Is this what he
meant by...?!>

     "You seem very fond of Himura-san's Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu... but you
do not have a monopoly on his techniques," Yahiko remembered Soujiro
say, finally understanding the true meaning behind the unsaid threat.

Is it me or Yahiko's really dumb? :P

LOL... a prereader actually suggested that I should revise what Soujiro said to, "But you are not the only one who has seen and learned from those techniques." Now _that_ would make Yahiko a lot dumb if he asked 'so that's what he meant by...!' :P

Lots of snippage is the sign of good writing... or lazy C&Cing. :P

I'm an optimist, so thanks for the praise again. :P

     <Dammit... Soujiro's going to execute a multi-hit attack?! No
good... I'm wide open, I won't be able to defend!> Yahiko thought in
panic. His eyes then widened. <Oh no! This is...! Is this what he meant
by...?!>

He'd already thought this. It's a bit frustrating to go over it twice.

I was going from 'general' to 'specific'. In a few line breaks away, the reader only caught the 'Oh no!' line... as we delve deeper into what happened (the events were so fast that the prose didn't get it all down :P), we get to see what the characters where thinking that particular moment, etc. etc. IOW, the event is repeating itself in instant, slow mo replay. :P 

     "Kuzu Ryu Sen," Soujiro said as he became visible for a split-
second before he vanished once again as he began the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu
technique.

Hmm. I wonder... what good is Soujiro's speed if he has to stop for a second
before performing Kenshin's technique? To get close to Yahiko?

Soujiro got the jump on Yahiko with the Shukuchi. He had to slow down to Shinsoki speed to execute Kuzu Ryu Sen.

It's my theory (and it's only a theory) that Shukuchi is 'charging speed' or speed of sprint (legs). Shinsoki is 'agility speed' or speed of reflexes (arms). Kuzu Ryu Sen works best with Shinsoki or arm speed, methinks. But that's just me and my fan-created theories. :P

Oh, by the way, why did Soujiro's eyes widened in surprise at the end of the
last scene? No reason to be surprised as he makes mincemeat out of Yahiko.
Unless his widening is the same widening that occurs later on in this
scene... If that's the case, I'd suggest to skip the first reference to it.

As I've noted, general to specific.

     Yahiko couldn't believe his ears. <He can... he can use _that_
move? What kind of guy is he?!>

Not a SI, at any rate. This is not the author's fault, blame the mangaka. :P

And the mangaka will blame it all on the Okita Soushi fans. :P Oh well... seeing the fan base of the real life hero, it's all understandable. 

     Blurring into motion, Soujiro flew forward into the darkness, and
was rewarded an instant later with the soft feeling of unyielding flesh
on the edge of his sword.

"unyielding"? Flesh? Against a sword? Hmm.

Well, it didn't hit bone, thankfully. :P Otherwise, Yahiko will have the same fate as the unknown thief in the first part of the first Kenshin OAV. :P

     It didn't hurt that older boy had misjudged the distance slightly,
either. What he lacked in Himura's precision, however, he made up for in
speed.

It didn't hurt? What did you mean there? It did hurt Yahiko, and it did hurt
the effectiveness of Yahiko's attack.

It didn't hurt Soujiro that he misjudged the distance. :) I didn't realize that there'd be a misunderstanding with this... will work on a revision to this, for sure.

     Needless to say, though not all of the nine strikes of Soujiro's
Kuzu Ryu Sen struck home, it was still undoubtedly a very painful blow.

Hmm. You might be overexplaining it... I'd just describe the extent of
Yahiko's injuries, and let readers decide whether it was painful or not.

Like extenders to canned good products... overexplanation lengthens the otherwise lean prose! :P

     Yahiko's samurai blood was then sprayed all over the landscape a
moment later.

YAHIKO: Good thing I still keep my street-urchin blood for emergencies.

(chuckles)

     Agony. The Tokyo Samurai couldn't think... because of it....
<Somebody... anybody... stop the pain.... please...> he beseeched to no
one in particular... the mere fact that he was in such a pathetic
condition not angering him in the least simply because it was hard as
hell to think of anything else except the unworldly pain that was now
coursing through his entire body.

"besought", IIRC, but it's a bit too lofty a word for me.

(pouts) Aw, but I like lofty words. :P

Heh. So many people trailed off in this chapter that I'm feeling like
throttling her while shouting "Say it, dammit! Say it!" :)

LOL... I also have a penchant for cliche', dramatic scenes. :P Entirely my fault, of course.

     Soujiro's crouching apparition disappeared a moment later.

And yet he's still there when Yahiko recovers enough to notice... so huh?

Explained later. :)

[...]

     "Do your best... ganbare, Yahiko-kun!" a feminine voice in his
mind earnestly said.

Gratuitous Japanese was always par for the course in RK fanfiction, but I
never liked it. What's wrong with "good luck"? :)

(scratches head) Neither did I, but I got used to it as I kept on reading RK fanfics... I mean, I'm in the territory, aren't I? When in Rome... :)

     He then felt as swift presence, like a breeze of some sort, brush
up against him... a fraction of a second later, he then felt the cold
bite of steel on the surface of his neck.

"a swift" and you used "he then" twice in the same sentence.

Done and done. :)

     Perhaps he had his realization... a bit too late?

Y'know, if you ended the story here, you would've written the longest
spamfic ever. ;)

LOL... then I'd be called a Yahiko-hater and get flamed, ironically enough. :P 

OTOH, it's the perfect length for a John Biles spamfic. XP XP XP

     <Split second speed... the multidirectional attack wasn't his true
speed, this is! He came before the droplets of my blood had fallen on
the ground... before I could open my eyelids after closing them in a
reflexive blink... before my life could pass before my eyes... before
this thought even started.... AM I DEAD?>

Errr. Guess that explains why she saw Soujiro disappear, eh? Interesting...
although having Yahiko commenting on the droplets of his blood seems too
much.

Shakesperean dramatics. I knew I shouldn't have read up on those plays. :p

[...]

     "Don't play your mind games on me again, psycho-kid! We saw you
cleaning your blade... and... and..." Yahiko said, trailing-off a bit
as he realized some important inconsistencies in his reasoning. <Okay,
so a swordsman cleaning his blade isn't exactly enough to label him
a murderer... but if it wasn't him, then I don't know whether I should
be ashamed or angry!>

"to trail off" isn't hyphenated, as far as I know.

And MS word says it's ok... bad MS word! Bad Mr. Paper Clip! *waktush*

And ashamed, Yahiko, ashamed.

ROTFL. I haven't used ROTFL much nowadays. Always LOL. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. :P

     "Hm... it does kind of make sense, what Seta-kun is saying,"
Kyoko agreed embarrassedly, blushing a bit in mortification. "We may
have been a bit... presumptuous... ne, Yahiko-san?"

This is why I think you should have made Soujiro's appearance a bit more
incriminating. As it is now, both Kyoko and Yahiko look like fools -- and
they accept the obvious too fast in light of this later on. Especially
Kyoko.

I dunno... enough people seemed to buy that Soujirou was a killer during the time of Chapter 3 (long, long ago, in a place far, far away...)

[...]

     "Of course it wasn't Himura-san," Soujiro agreed. He considered
leaving it at that... he didn't want Yahiko or Kyoko to be involved in
any of this 'Battousai' business... but he felt obliged to explain
everything to them, after having such a splendid duel and all.

Definitely dashes instead of ellipses in this case. And I'd drop the last
comma, and the "and all", which might be fine for colloquial speech but
doesn't sound right to me in prose.

I didn't want to put in 'some such' because it'd be me talking (:P), and then I just tacked the 'and all' afterwards. Hm. Will revise. 

[...]

     Soujiro's expression, albeit the smile, was completely unreadable.
"Like I said before... I'm not clean enough for redemption. Contrary to
what your mother believes, I am no angel."

"despite" instead of "albeit", I think. Or "in spite of". Or the like.

Oh, ok... 'albeit' means 'although'. Gotcha, gov'ner.

[...]

     He easily passed the plains in six seconds flat... the main road
was already nearby. He was making good time with his current speed. <But
what really caught my eye was the strike that he used during my Kuzu
Ryu Sen....>

I'd expect this kind of speed would take a toll...

Hm. Yeah, I agree. Why didn't I think of that? :P Next chapter then.

     Soujiro's ubiquitous smile grew wider in reminiscence. <The strike
that was able to make my sword vibrate furiously... it was the same
strike that broke my hand guard a while back.>

Hmm. I see what caused his surprise in that moment... well, I'm C&Cing this
as I read it, so it's expected to happen. At least you get an impression of
what puzzles your readers. ;)

Verily. Many thanks. :)

     "Don't go there," the younger companion said in monotone as he
approached the older man's makeshift hut. "Besides, I'm messy. I'm going
to take a bath. Don't disturb me."

     "Very well, very well... but really, you should have let those
thugs be. What if Akahori's men found out about you? That would
seriously ruin our time table, y'know."

"timetable", innit?

Yeah, itis. ^^;

[...]

Interesting that the villain actually resembles Kenshin, even going as far
as recreating his scar. Looking forward to the story behind that.

I have a great back story of that... IMO. I'll just have to see if my readers will enjoy what I'll be writing in the future. :P

     Yahiko stood up quickly as soon as he realized the precarious
position he and the older girl was in... he then winced in agony as he
felt the pain return. He plopped down the ground in anguish. <Dammit...
this time I really _am_ beaten up.>

"girl were in... He then"

Yup. Thanks.

[...]

     "Sumimasen," Kyoko apologized in a decisively unapologetic manner
as she giggled some more.

*coughgratuitousjapanesecough*

:)

W-ell, I allowed 'kaasan' (mother) in my other fic Shonen and the _real_ gratuitous Nihonggo is seen in the ex-collaborative fic, Youtou Shinnoken. Besides, I always strive to explain the Japanese in the context of the sentence. :)

     "Feh," Yahiko retorted, looking away.

This might just plant the seed of a IY/RK fusion in the mind of some sicko.
:)

Yeah... Mr. Feh himself. :) Though Ranma himself used the term a lot, though not as much... maybe it's the seiyuu's fault? :P

Another general comment: you seem to use "he then" and "they then" an awful
lot. Just something I noticed and you might want to keep an eye on.

Yeah... got to vary those from time to time... (nods sagely)

[...]

     Upon further realization of their current posture, they then
quickly departed from each other's familiar encirclement.

"encirclement"? Not sure the word fits here.

I already used 'hugged' and embraced.' MS word says 'encirclement' is a synonym of the two words. ^^; 

     "So the prodigal daughter had returned... welcome back!" Chizuru
'cheerfully' greeted Kyoko as she twisted the younger girl's left ear.
"Now go back to your mother so that she could cook up the proper
punishment for you, young lady."

"has returned..." right? "so that she can cook", too.

Yup. Correct.

[...]

     Agony. The Tokyo Samurai couldn't think... because of it....
<Somebody... anybody... stop the pain.... please...> he beseeched to no
one in particular... the mere fact that he was in such a pathetic
condition not angering him in the least simply because it was hard as
hell to think of anything else except the unworldly pain that was now
coursing through his entire body.

Heheh. Okay, I liked the repetition. Funny. :)

^_^ I knew that paragraph fit in there.

     "Help... meee..." Yahiko whimpered one last time before the silken
bleakness once again draped itself over his consciousness.

Nice ending.

Next: Gan, the White Tiger.

Oh, so we're going into a subplot before Yahiko once again stumbles upon
Soujiro and the pseudo-Battousai? Or is Gan Battousai's mysterious older
acquaintance? In any case, it should be interesting.

<spoilerspoiler> oh wait, this is already next chapter. ^^; I guess it's okay to reveal... it's a subplot, so there. :)

Got to love that Soujiro, eh? Deux ex Soujiro, he is. :P To give
you an idea of how I'm going to use him in the storyline (if it
isn't obvious enough), it's like this... it's like how
Inoue-sensei would use Rukawa of Slam Dunk fame or how Capcom
would use Gouki of Street Fighter fame... got it? Good.

Got it. It'll be interesting to see Yahiko finally found the way to merge
KKR and HMR, since I imagine that'd be the natural pinnacle of this
adventure.

Actually, that's the... whoops, <spoilerspoilerspoiler> :P

Hm... a lot less Himura family interaction in this chapter...
hopefully, as the mood of the story goes back to a more cheerful
tone, they'll return. ^_^

Sure would love to see Tsubame's reaction to the suddenly-affectionate
Kyoko. :)

Aw, c'mon... Yahiko's smart enough to not write about that, right? :) Although your suggestion did give me an idea for the opening of Chapter six... ;)

Well, that's it for this chapter. Despite all the nitpicks, it was a good
one, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Prose flowed reasonably well (although I'd
cut down on the quoted thoughts and scene breaks), and there were hardly any
typos or grammar errors. Your slightly grown-up Yahiko makes for an
interesting main character, and it was a good idea to bring an established
RK character such as Soujiro as his first opponent.

^_^ Thanks.

I recommend FFMLers who enjoy RK fic to read this one. Original
continuations that are actually viable and truth to the source are hard to
find, after all.

As for me? I recommend you FFMLers who enjoy RK fic to read up on Tanuki To Ryuu... one of the fics that spurred me into writing RY at last. ^-^ Hey, Ben... once you're not busy and all, update that fic, 'k? ;) 

Looking forward to the next installment, Chester, and thanks for writing and
sharing. :)

Farewell!

Latin_D

And looking forward to hearing from you again, Latin_D. C&Cs great food for the picky muse. :) 

Ja matta ne!
Abdiel 


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