Of the commenters so far, I found that I agreed the most with Krista.

Krista Perry wrote:

And yes, reading about it might be like "trying to wash down a plate of
sauerkraut and liver marinated in lemon juice with a bottle of vinegar," but
guess what?  That's pretty much what it's like living it.
 

Yes, it is painful to read the earlier parts.  It was also painful to read
most of TOP.  This is a mark of good writing, that Richard can actually
make us feel this.  I thought the earlier parts of this story to be
extremely effective.

The only problem *I* had with the story was that I felt that Ranma hooking
up with her student at the end was waaay too out of the blue.  The only
reason I accepted it at all was because I remember reading "Thy Outward
Part" years ago, and I finally made the connection that the narrator of TOP
and this student were the same person, and that this was the same story told

>from Ranma's POV.

Although it has probably been a couple of years (at least) since I've read
TOP, I have read it multiple times, and I immediately recognized
whatshisname on his first appearance here.  Krista is right, though, in 
pointing out that THIS story is not at all standalone; it's completely
dependent upon reading TOP in a way that I think you could lessen somewhat.
Given that this story starts at the same place, I'm not sure your goal
should be to write a completely dependent story (although that's up to
you, of course).

But one big problem -- I don't know the guy's name.  I can't remember it

>from TOP because it's been so long since I read it, and his name is never

mentioned in *this* story.  If I had never read TOP, I would be even more
confused.  All other aspects of Ranma adjusting to her new, if unwelcome
existance progressed in a logical manner  -- except for this.

I'm not a girl, but it seems to me that Krista is making two points here,
not one, and that I disagree with the first and agree with the second.
I'm not sure that whatshisname's actual name is so important.  From TOP,
it does seem like Ranma might not use the guy's name when thinking about
him.  But Ranma probably does use some handle, like "my student" or "my
first student".  You might experiment with having Ranma use "Student"
or "First" as the guy's name for her internal contemplation; that might
even be more effective in some ways as demonstrating why Ranma ever
become so emotionally needing of this guy in the first place.  Granted,
whatshisname expands his role in Ranma's life, but I find it plausible
that Ranma's first name for his would stick.

  Ranma hardly
ever thinks about this guy, and he only shows up in the story twice -- once
when he watches her work out and asks to become her student, and then when
she shows up at the track in a dress and kisses him.  Umm....  I remember
this working form his (whatever his name is) point of view, but from Ranma's
point of view, there's a whole thought process about this guy that's missing

>from the story.

Here's where I agree with Krista.  Ranma should spend more time thinking
about this guy, or perhaps just that we readers should get a better sense
of what Ranma is thinking about this guy.  If Ranma is in a state of 
unarticulated need for his presence (which it seems like towards
the end), perhaps there are other ways to make that a bit clearer.

It's natural that she would avoid thinking about him if the thought of
persuing a relationship with him terrifies her... but she avoids thinking of
him so completely that, not only does the reader not know his name
(especially if they haven't read TOP), but when she decides to give the
relationship a try at the end, it comes as a shock to the reader.  At least,
it came as a shock to me.  I never got to know the guy in this fic, and I
never came to understand why Ranma finally decided this guy was not only a
trusted friend, but possibly something more.
 

That part didn't really come as a shock to me, since I knew it was coming
(my memory of TOP apparently being a bit fresher than Krista's).  Although,
in story context, it seems VERY abrupt.  It seems to contradict, in some
ways, the theme of creeping 1/2 of the remaining distance at a time.
We might expect Ranma to be thinking at that point that she MIGHT kiss
whatshisname SOMEDAY.  Then what should happen, IMO, is that Ranma should
have an inner voice ask "and what's wrong with today"?  The kiss is Ranma
pushing herself, and I'm not sure we really see why (from TOP, we know
that Ranma know's whatshisname wants it, but we don't see Ranma thinking
about what he wants here.

What came as more of a shock was Ranma's transition(s) from maximally angry
at the beginning of summer break, to numb over summer break, to calm 
acceptance
after summer break.  These are the right transitions, but in this story
they seemed rushed to me, given the time we spent with "angry-Ranma".
What's missing?  Maybe Ranma barely made it out of an urban area (just
before the break) before cutting loose with a perfect shi-shi-hokodan
dwarfing anything she's ever seen from Ryouga?  And the sight of the
wreckage horrified her?

Also, in TOP we got a sense that Ranma had spent the same break coming
to terms with the choice before her:  either accept what she now is,
or spend the rest of her life in a state she hates.  The starkness of
that choice is lessened here, I think, and perhaps shouldn't be.
Maybe we need to see Ranma realize, just before or after the break
starts, that she DOES hate her current emotional state and that she
CANNOT sustain it.

Compared with the level of detail we get in the earlier, angry-Ranma
sections, both the "numb" section and the "accepting" section are
just sketched for us.  You might want to sketch us multiple scenes
from the "numb" section, perhaps.  I think you get the necessary
points into the scene you have, in terms of Ranma's baby-steps,
but you're economizing in a way you didn't earlier, and it jars a
bit.

Hope this helps.






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