Thermopyle wrote:

Sailor Moon does not belong to me. I only wish I owned it. The =
characters(in their original forms) are the property of Takeuchi Naoko =
and many other people who are not me.

You should state which Sailor Moon universe you are using here.

He isn't using any Sailor Moon universe.  This is an alternate 
universe.  

        "You won't take me like my sisters, Sailor Moon!" it screamed,
spikes launching off of its back into the air behind and above it.

Unclear sentence.  It could be read as the sisters having taken the
youma at some point.  Kinky, I suppose...  ^_^;

I would suggest "get me".  

        "Oh, you're a brave one," she retorted. "The last few couldn't
even work up the courage to say my name."
        The youma merely snarled in response, continuing its shambling
run toward the alley way.
        "You really aren't going to spoil my fun and get away like the
last one," Sailor Moon snapped, the tiara spinning from her hand and
striking just below one of the youma's knees. There was a rasp as it cut
through the bone, and the youma screeched, losing its balance as one leg
was severed.

Repetitive "last" in the two lines of dialogue.  The second tag and
sentence seems clumsy.

Do youma even have bones?  It doesn't seem like it. They seem to be made
out of magic and dust.   

        They were featureless blue. Almost lacking in pupils. As if the
person they belonged to were insane.

Choppy.  Extremely so.  And Usagi's personality here isn't even close
to touching insane--she's just The Typical American Comic Book Hero.

        "I do hope you won't pass out on me too soon," she whispered,
the tiara lighting up in her hand as she bent down. "That takes all the
fun out of it." The muted light from the tiara illuminated Sailor Moon's
face as she drew closer and the youma tried to scuttle away before
screaming out as the glowing disc cut into its side.

The Typical American Comic Book Hero is not a sadist.  And, you know,
if Usagi is going to go to the trouble of torturing people to death,
she should at least take the opportunity to ask them a few questions,
unless she _likes_ an endless merry-go-round of monster hunting with
no chance of getting closer to the source of the problem.


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