Right. Before we begin, I would like to apologize to the author for 
comments I made recently which were out of line and needlessly rude.

   I won't try to justify what I said, merely say that I am sorry, because 
I should have thought about what I was saying before it was said.

   Now.

   On to my C&C. As always, my opinions and suggestions are just that 
(MINE! You can't have... er....) and you should feel free to ignore them if 
they do not help you.

   That being said, I hope you find my comments helpful.

He felt an ache in his chest, where... He opened his eyes, running his 
hand over his chest. There was no wound. It wasn't sticky with blood.

   An elipses that terminates a sentence should contain three periods.

   I'm an elipses junkie, I should know. �_�

Aren't there three periods? I see them from this end.

Had he just been dreaming? He pressed his hand to his chest, and then 
brought it to before his eyes so he could look at his palm.

   Wasn't he just feeling his chest?

There was no blood. Had it been a dream? Had he dreamed everything?

   Ah, nevermind. It appears the repetition is intentional.

And the sky. Blue. But not the blue he always imagined it to be, but the 
real sky blue that always surprised him whenever he looked up. He had 
always felt it should be softer than it truly was.

   These are stylistic fragments, which are fine. Except that I would cut 
the first 'but', so it's more consistant with the stuttering pattern of 
thoughts that are being shown. This is probably just me, though.

Sounds good. Will do.

There was a sudden, terrible ache in his head. He grabbed it, screaming.

   For some reason I want to parse this as him grabbing the ache and not 
his head.

Oops. Will fix.

He then opened his eyes.

   Excelent way to close the scene.

His mind... Sometimes he forgot things, and not just the usual things he 
didn't bother to remember. It was anything, everything. Even the past that 
he thought important was going, disintegrating into dust in his now 
brittle mind.

   Elipses.

Other kids gathered round, but Ranma barely even noticed them because the 
second beast that lived in his mind had woke. It frightened the beast on 
his back. The time creature, playing on the ground ahead of him, stopped 
still, hoping to not be noticed.

   I would say, 'the second beast, which lived', to make this clearer. 
Well, I guess both of them are in his mind. But one's on his back, too.

Sounds good. Will do.

He then found himself lost, but the second creature had fallen asleep. 
Thankfully. So much so.

   Mercifully?

Hmm. Don't know. Will think about it.

"Yeah. Sure." Ranma stood up. He felt a little better. But how?

   How or why?

Hmm?

Ranma didn't want to remember, but he could see it in his mind. A monster 
that looked like a man, and he was wrapped in fire. He hesitated, but then 
said to Tofu. "And under the fire, it was like punching rock. And he moved 
fast. Really fast." He felt his chest, where the scar burned. "And he used 
a long spear made outta fire."

   I get the feeling this is something I should remember from mythology.

   But nothing's coming to mind....

That's cause I didn't borrow from mythology, intentionally. I guess it has 
the same shape and feel though, but the images Ranma is describing will be 
further explored later in the story.

Ranma tried to remember, but he couldn't remember anything after the 
laughter had started.

Even the day that had just happened had fallen away into the abyss that 
was in his mind.

   Ah. Looks like that second beast's the key... interesting.

Notes:

This idea's been sitting on my hard drive since before I gave up on my old 
fics (sorry to readers who were enjoying them). Now, I just recently have 
had an idea of where to go with it.

Also, the name Urameshi is only a nod in the direction of Yuyu Hashiko for 
bringing to me an idea in the first place. This story is not a crossover.

  My C&C's pretty sparse here, but this is heavily stylized, so....

   As I said before, I really liked this one. I'd like to read what 
happens next!

Thanks for the input. I'll try to have something new written some day. Soon, 
hopefully.

Troy Thomas
http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/

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