Mark Shurtleff wrote:
Hiya Folks!
I've been away from creative writing for a couple of months and am feeling
rather rusty, so I thought I'd toss out the beginnings of a story idea I've
had kicking around before returning to tackle Relatively Absent once again.
The going is slow, very slow. It's taken me a full week to put out barely
ten pages. Oh well.
Please C&C this, I need some feedback to tell me where I'm drifting off
course. This is a first cut rough draft, so technical editing
(spelling/grammar), style comments, and factual error stomping are all
appreciated. MSTings, 'Look, Ma. I'm a comedian!', and 'I'm So Clever'
quips and snipes will be cheerfully ignored.
This is a straight Ranma fanfic, so it's time for the Standard Fanfic
Disclaimer.
Right. This one's already gotten quite a bit of C&C, so I'll pass on
the line-by-line and give you my general impressions of the fic.
Deja`vu....
Weaknesses:
Michi's description. What's she look like? I could be wrong, but I
get the impression that she could be an important character. Description
is good.
I'm puzzled by the doctor arriving at the temple if the senior miko
pretty much ignores his input on Ranma's health. Maybe I missed
something there.
Strengths:
Environmental/fight descriptions were spot-on. Very nice.
Characterisation was, I felt, strong, even if we didn't see either
of the Ranma characters outside of the fight. The new characters felt
very well designed, with the possible exception of the senior miko
(who's name I have forgotten) worrying more about combatting an oni than
seeing to her niece's welfare. This probably makes more sense to me if I
stop to think about it. Hmm. Yeah, I can see it, though I would still
expect her to be alarmed/worried immediately after Happi went eastward.
More fun than:
A barrel of monkeys.
Um.
Well, I'm hooked, for what that's worth. I enjoyed it, and look
forward to reading more. I hope what meager criticism I can offer comes
in handy, and keep up the good work!
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END CHAPTER
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Mark Shurtleff
email: gaijin@sfcmd.com
irc alias: Gaijin -or- togashi_gaijin
fanfiction homepage: http://www.sfcmd.com/fanfic
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