It took me a while to figure out why this one wasn't working, and it doesn't
on several levels. I'll go with the most basic.

This sort of 'misdirection spamfic' (and this is more a spamfic rather than
an actual one shot) is that you're trying to make it sentimental. It isn't.
The reader spends more time on the figuring out the identity of the
character rather than setting the mood. Also, the whole point in masking the
identity is usual because of the inappropiateness of the characters being
dealt with, which would also ruin the mood. What you're trying to do with
this sort of story just doesn't  work with the method you're employing,
which is why this is most often used for humor oriented one shots.

Now, as the sentimentality aspects of this all by their lonesome, while it
would work on Mousse's part, it really doesn't on Shampoo's anymore than it
would if the guy had been Kunou and the woman Akane. There's no basis for
Shampoo to be reacting like this (let alone the much bigger one of Akane
marrying Mousse, for that matter, though you wisely only touch upon it). You
need backstory to justify the change in her emotions. And it couldn't be a
one or two paragraph thing either, or it just comes off as a cheap attempt
at forcing sentimentality on the reader (which it would be). And given the
technique you're using, you can't expand this either without quickly
irritating the reader.

Basically, the fic just falls flat on its face on what you were trying to
accomplish. It's like trying to nail something together using a rubber band.
The idea wasn't flawed, it was the technique you used that made it
unworkable. The only upshot I can see was that the grammar was fine and I
didn't see anything wrong with it. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I
can't see anything other than a massive change in how you're going about
things to make it work, and it's too short to merit that.

(BTW: You're right about trying to type without an enter key. I can't
imagine who much of a hassle it was to work around it.)

DB Sommer



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