"Denise Cameron" <elenaholman@opgaming.com> wrote:

Outside Tendo Dojo, Monday evening....

Not sure if I've said this before or not, but I'd recommend putting
setting information in the context of the scene, rather than as a
separate caption.

Akane had written out her invitation to Kuno, and had seen Ranma's
invitation to Kodachi. Both had them meeting at the Furinkan High
School gym, at seven pm sharp, at different entrances. Akane had made

PM
(acronyms are generally capitalized)

Since you have other Kunos in this, I would suggest referring to
Tatewaki by his given name.

Fifteen minutes, he needs. I'll knock that Kodachi out for fifteen
hours, if I have to, thought Akane, landing a rather brutal kick. But

You've been adding _underlines_ to explicitly quoted thoughts in the
prior chapters, so you might want to add them to this one.

"Akane! Whadja do that for?" wailed a suddenly female Ranma. She
didn't have to look at the koi pond to know that Ranma was probably
standing in it now, glaring at her, while Mr. Saotome laughed a short
distance away.

"Well you should pay more attention! I just got too into it,"
apologized Akane, walking up to the pond. You mean you got distracted.

I'm a bit confused by this dialog. "You mean" refers to what? "Whadja do
that for?" is a question; it doesn't mean anything.

"No buts 'kane. You trust me, right?" asked Ranma, leaning over to

buts, 'kane.
("'kane" identifies who is spoken to, so it must be set off from the
rest of the sentence by a comma.)

Getting up, she grabbed the dummy that had fallen to one side of the
pond and put it back in it's rightful place in the ground. When she

its

walked over to the porch, she saw that her own father had joined Mr.
Saotome, and that they had started playing a game of Go.

GENMA: Was your wife a goer, Tendo? Know what I mean, nudge nudge?

SOUN: She *liked* go, yes.

GENMA: I bet she did, say no MORE!

Okay, that's a stretch, but without enough quips, people probably
wouldn't read this stuff. ^_^;;;;

"We! You hear that Saotome? My little girl said we! Ahh, it's so good

GENMA: She's not a Saotome yet, Tendo.

that, Saotome?
(Again, "Saotome" identifies who is spoken to. Sorry for mentioning this
twice, but it's important; not putting the comma in completely changes
the meaning of the sentence, making it that Saotome as opposed to some
other Saotome.)

"Oh, but I've been dealing with Kuno for much longer then you have.
Him and Nabiki have been in the same class since I was nine or ten. In

He and Nabiki have
(Without the "and" clause, she wouldn't say "Him has been in..." unless
this is Bizarro-Akane. :))

"No, that's three districts. You probably won't find this too hard to
believe, but...I got in fights a lot. Not starting them, just
finishing them. Too well. I got moved around a bit. S'why Pop gave up
on public schools for me for a long while. He always said that a true
martial artist can't learn well strapped to a chair in a building,"

GENMA: Unless, of course, he's training in the school of Martial Arts
Being Executed.

RANMA: Geez, I thought they'd be using lethal injections by now.

"I see. Well if you find it again, let me know, okay?" she asked.
Ranma sighed, but nodded.

"Yeah. I, uh, I will." 

But they didn't discuss it again, that night. Ranma couldn't decide if
that was a smart move on his part, or a true sign that Akane was right
about him being a wishy-washy idiot.

Not much to say here, except that as before, I like the treatment of the
characters. You've let them develop enough to get closer but not so much
as to destroy the conflicts that make them interesting.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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