Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> wrote:

	This is an outline, an outline of experience.  Everything must have
parts. 
Everything must be disassembled.  And here are the parts of an
experience.  A world 
that has been torn, darkened, and is painful because of this
experience.  A world with 
one common thread tying it all together: the death of a Mighty Hero.

Frankly, this opening paragraph didn't do anything for me. It seems like
you're telling the readers how they are supposed to feel, but there's
nothing concrete here to give us a *reason* to feel that way. It's your
fic, obviously, but my suggestion would be to cut this trailer and get
on with the actual story.

Hhmmm... you aren't the first person to tell me to do this.  So, I'll
finally cut it. ^_^

<SNIP>

All grammatical and spelling errors you pointed out were corrected.

This is the epilogue, yes.  It is not, however, the end.  This is
merely how I
want the reader to read it.

Some pretty good emotional moments in this one. I liked the contrast
between the bright, sunny day and Akane's emotional dark. If it's meant
to be a teaser into a longer series, I think it could've had more of a
hook, though. Perhaps a few more hints about how Ranma died (if the
story to follow is going to be about how he died) and/or what
complications are about to enter Akane's life (if that's what the story
will be about).

This is actually going to focus more on the effects of Ranma's death than
how he died.  More a series of character studies and friendships, which
would've never formed without him, with him dead.  As for a hook... well,
I didn't want to do much with this, really.  Just small snippet on how
Akane is doing after a few years.

As always, take this as one cranky reader's opinion, and I hope some of
it was helpful. I look forward to seeing the series that comes out of
this, if there is one.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

C&C is C&C is C&C. ^_^  I like and accept it all.  And yes, there is one(a
series, that is).  Thanks for your input and corrections.

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