Jivia dae Silna <askaghani@yahoo.com> wrote:

	This is an outline, an outline of experience.  Everything must have
parts. 
Everything must be disassembled.  And here are the parts of an
experience.  A world 
that has been torn, darkened, and is painful because of this
experience.  A world with 
one common thread tying it all together: the death of a Mighty Hero.

Frankly, this opening paragraph didn't do anything for me. It seems like
you're telling the readers how they are supposed to feel, but there's
nothing concrete here to give us a *reason* to feel that way. It's your
fic, obviously, but my suggestion would be to cut this trailer and get
on with the actual story.

	Tendo Akane stared at the fading inscription of the marker standing
before 
her.  She read the words to herself like she always did: "Here lies
the shell of a man 
among men."  He hadn't come back.  Not this time.  She angrily swiped
her tears aside.  
She would not lament what was lost; she would not bemoan her loveless
existance.

existence.

	She turned around quickly and took that first fateful step away. 
Running away
always dullened the pain.  Akane kept her eyes focused on the ground

dulled

(There's no such word as "dullened." ^_^)

	It should have been raining.  It should not be so unbearably cheery.
It was 
too damned sunny.  It was hard to hide tears in the light.  "You
didn't do anything 
Nabiki."

anything, Nabiki."

(When a speaker identifies who's being spoken to, as with "Nabiki" here,
the identification must be set off by a comma.

AKANE: You didn't do anything Nabiki. However, you did do one thing
Soun, and a few things that could be considered Kasumi.

NABIKI: Oh my.

	"I... "

	They both stood there while the delighted squeals of children mocked
their 
solemnity.  The birds sang and the sun shone with relentless cheer. 
"I... I know 
that.  But... but... what the hell do want me to say, Akane?"

do you want me to say,
(missing word)

	Akane's sobs shook her thin frame.  She kneaded her stinging palm as
her 
tears hit the ground.  She could not, however, knead her stinging
heart.

AKANE: So that means I've got nothing left to knead.

NABIKI: D'oh.

AKANE: Well, okay, there is that.

The heart comment strikes me as a bit cliched, though maybe that's just
me.

	"Hello Kuonji-san."

"Hello, Kuonji-san."

(see above)

This is the epilogue, yes.  It is not, however, the end.  This is
merely how I
want the reader to read it.

Some pretty good emotional moments in this one. I liked the contrast
between the bright, sunny day and Akane's emotional dark. If it's meant
to be a teaser into a longer series, I think it could've had more of a
hook, though. Perhaps a few more hints about how Ranma died (if the
story to follow is going to be about how he died) and/or what
complications are about to enter Akane's life (if that's what the story
will be about).

As always, take this as one cranky reader's opinion, and I hope some of
it was helpful. I look forward to seeing the series that comes out of
this, if there is one.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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