Just returning a favor. ^-^ 

Also read the first chapter, but general impressions for both are found at the end of this little C&C.


Falc wrote:

PRE-FIC NOTES:
- Chapter 1 has been corrected and posted to my website: 
http://homeusers.brutele.be/bvannitsen
- Speaking of that website, I have tried to create a layout that leaves 
the fics enjoyable to read. If you find this is not the case for you, 
feel free to let me know.

It's mostly ok, except for the little fact that a slower isp actually has problems with the pre-loaded content (the white background against light-colored text is particularly a pain). Other than that, after it's all loaded, it's fine.

- I would like to thank my prereader, Lilith's Dark Shadow, for his/her 
(remind me to check that...) valued remarks. If anybody else would like 
to become a prereader, send me an email off-list.
- All C&C on this chapter is more than welcome.
- Work on chapter 3 is progressing nicely.

It's a preferential thing, but most readers prefer author notes at the end of the fic instead of at the beginning. It's not exactly an author's foreward in printed books where a reader coul skip it easily. Again, this is just a suggestion, since it's all reader preference and all.

"Man, you're quiet."

Shinji was shaken out of his reverie by Tenma's words. "I'm sorry... I
just... You looked like you were angry so I didn't think you'd want to

add a period the ellipsis (...) to look like this:

"I'm sorry... I just...."

or change "You" to "you" if it's a continuation of the previous thought.

talk."

Tenma grumbled a bit before replying, "Yeah well... Mom woke me up early
this morning becase I have to walk you to school. Which means, and I
quote, 'walking at his pace, not yours'."

"I'm sorry for being so slow."

Hm... first impressions overall first... the characterizations are, more or less, very accurate and overly dead-on. Kudos to you.

Tenma looked over his shoulder at Shinji's expression and rolled his
eyes in exasperation. "Oh look don't get all worked up about it, okay?
It's not your fault."

But then the 'Tenma' business... well, let's just say that generally all new characters readers come upon are generally... hm... 'iffy' for them, since most read fanfics for the original anime characters, not the fan-created ones.

Whether or not Tenma could be considered... hm... detrimental or necessary for the story is to be seen as of yet.

"Okay..."

They continued their way to the train station in silence. They waited
for the train in silence. They got on the train in silence. They reached 
their stop in silence... almost.

"Aaargh! I can't take this anymore! Say something! Anything!"

Hm. It would seem that Tenma's taking up the function of being Shinji's little Asuka. Now the main question I have for this is... why? Is that your intention? To use this child of Ranma and Akane as a means of highlighting Shinji as a character? Is that the point of the entire fic?

Because, really... highlighting Shinji's... er... colorful personality to an reader audience who is highly aware of it is like... hm... showing and recycling a scene in a fic, only this time in the form of character development.

But seeing that the following paragraphs after this will now show Tenma's character development, I won't be so hasty in judging et al.

Shinji's thoughts were interrupted by Tenma cracking his knuckles.
"We're almost there. I'd advise you to not stay near me, that'll be
safest."

Shinji felt his heart sink at those words. Their conversation of a few
moments ago had given him the impression that Tenma might like him. And
now he was just telling him to get lost? Could he have been so wrong
about him?

I mainly liked the setup to this. Knowledge the reader attained beforehand will help them a lot in picking up the obvious hints in the paragraphs. Nice work.

The instant he set one foot inside school grounds, a mighty roar came up

>from the mob. Then they started moving, charging at Tenma who was calmly

walking forward. He easily avoided the first few attacks, but soon the
brunt of the pack was upon him. Shinji got worried about Tenma's safety
but he knew there was nothing he could do. A cloud of dust started
envelopping

enveloping

the fighters and he lost sight of Tenma.

A few moments later, he barely managed to dodge a barbel that had come
soaring out of the tangled mass of combatants. Remembering Tenma's
earlier warning and realizing its true meaning, he scanned around the
schoolyard to find a safer spot.

Hm. Akane-ish. I wonder what's the intention for this little show of Tenma's strengths and weaknesses.

He walked a bit closer, something about her intrigued him. He could soon
see she was quite pretty, but her attention was fully focussed

focused

Tenma's expression, however, had gone sour at the first sight of her and
he swiftly dodged out of her grasp. "Can't you take a hint, Kosugi? I'm
totally NOT interested in you. Leave me alone. And give these guys a
break before I end up hurting someone by accident!"

Hm. Another fanmade character. And no sight of development for Shinji. 

Please don't misunderstand. The following sequences were well-written and of high-quality, but the plot itself strikes me as somewhat... well, it makes me want to ask 'why'... why was Shinji introduced into this strange environment where he stands out mostly like a sore thumb?

I mean, the point of Tenma (I'm presuming... I'm no mind reader) is to show Nerima-type madness in post-2nd impact Japan (which makes me also wonder why Nerima wasn't 20 feet under water, but that's just silly nitpickings which I don't want to get into).

But letting Shinji join the fray is (presumptuously again) rather unlikely. What will he add? What's the point in crossing over Ranma 1/2 with him anyway? To learn martial arts? It's hard for me to swallow as a reader because, strictly IMO, the genre from which the two series originated are far different, so when crossing them over, it'll have to be one or the other... angst or action/adventure/romance (R.5 is arguably a comedy, but obviously this isn't the main focus of R.5 in your fic)

But anyway, it's too early to pass judgment, so on with the prose.

Tenma sighed. "Kuno Kosugi. Most desirable girl in school. Most insane
too. Dad says that runs in the family, apparently he knew her mother or
something. Anyway, she's got it into her head that she will only go out
with the strongest guy in school. She made a whole public declaration
about it and pretty soon everybody was fighting everybody just to prove
they were the strongest. At first I didn't get involved, but then one day
Touji, who was not doing too bad in the standings, decides to challenge
me. The idiot knows that I had been trained in the Arts since I was a
kid, he knows that I have no intention of getting involved in this, and 
he *still*
challenges me."

Here's another thing that makes me think that I'm probably not the type of audience you're going for when you wrote this fic... where the heck is the focus? Shinji seemed more of a background character, so the focus is slowly becoming more centered on this Tenma person, Ranma's little 14 year old avatar. 

Again, I wonder if NGE is merely used here as a backdrop of a storyline that could work well enough as a standalone 'Ranma's son' fic without NGE backdrop.

Because it seems that Tenma (it would be Ranma if not for certain plot and timeline constraints, so Ranma's now relegated to the 'big brother/aniki' role) seems to have his own world, and Shinji's rudely/unintentionally butting in on said world.

Tenma stared at him as if he had just declared that he was actually a
girl. "What sort of cockamamie idea is THAT?"

One thing I do like about the fic is the liberal use of innuendo. Wonderful. ^-^

Though the original characters are beginning to multiply, I'm wondering when Rei and Asuka'll make an appearance. ^^

But that's also a problem for me as a reader in appreciating this fic... if Asuka and/or Rei do make an appearance, won't they get pushed back by these wide plethora of new characters Ranma and Co.? It's all about focus, people.

"Oh, what a devastating choice I must now make." She struck a dramatic
pose that would not have been misplaced in a daytime soap. "On one hand,
I have the strong and muscular Tenma who has defeated so many a suitor
to prove his love for me."

Ah. So here we are. Putting the quiet Shinji in equal footing with the Ranmavatar Tenma. Now things are beginning to get interesting.

Tenma tried to start objecting,

sounds akward. Suggest something simpler, like 'Tenma tried to object,'

 but she was obviously totally ignoring

him. "And now you have arrived, dearest Shinji, you who saved our city,
nay our country, possibly the entire world. My heart is torn between you
both. You are both so worthy of my love. How must I choose?" A small
tear trickled down her cheek as she lifted her head to the heavens and 
clasped her hands together, as
if she were praying for an answer from above.

Kuno fusion. Coolness.

She leaned closer to him, put her hands on his cheeks and softly pressed
her lips against his. Then she tried to do the same to Tenme 

Tenma

"Stupid weather!" Ranma closed the door behind him and added some extra
curses under his breath.

"Welcome home. How was your day?"

"Hello Akane. Work was pretty normal. Getting home proved to be a bit...
How shall I put it? Wet?"

She smiled as she tossed her husband a towel. "Here, try to dry off a
bit before coming in."

"Are the boys home yet?"

Just a random thought that occurred to me. Tenma's doesn't have Jusenkyo curse, right? And Ranma (who's in big brother/fatherly mode) does... for me, a large part of the fun of Ranma is gone. Why? 

Tenma, the adolescent kid that Shinji should relate to (duh) and now makes up the chaos in Tokyo 3, the 'new' Ranma, doesn't have a curse... meaning any sort of complication that could be derived from that unique situation is lost on Shinji. 

And since the elder Ranma (whose interactions are limited, for age issues and some such reasons) is the one with the curse, not that many complications would be derived since Ranma has now taken a backseat in the boy's life outside of training and aniki stuff. As such, a great plot point, IMO, is wasted.

Ranma looked back at Shinji, not realizing immediately what had the boy
so puzzled.

Then Akane appeared from the kitchen, holding a kettle. "Oh Ranko-chan,
I believe we forgot to tell Shinji something."

Ranma looked from his wife back to Shinji and then to his own female 
body. "Oh.
Yeah. Drat."

(sigh) Potential conflicts, wasted. Oh, don't mind me... this's just my opinionated little monologue of meanderings.

Shinji looked in the mirror, staring at his own reflection while his 
brain tried to catch up with the rest of the universe. Ever since he had 
arrived here in Tokyo 3, things had been... Well, even 'hectic' would be 
an understatement. First the Angels and the Evangelion. 

Which is a great conflict in itself. 

Then his new 
home, with Ranma transforming in hot or cold water.

Shinji: Oh, my sensei turns into a girl. (shrugs)

School had been 
quite an experience as well.

Thusly, when added to the angst-filled world of Shinji Ikari, he seems nearly overshadowed by it... even if it was followed by a seemingly hasty "Let's add Shinji to our nutty little situation" thing done by Kosugi (I did like that part, but the setup to it, with her suddenly confessing her love to Shinji when they just met is also a bit contrived for me). Sorry.

Ranma remained in the same position for just a few more moments, before 
turning around and calling Shinji over. He took one of the boards in his 
hands, and showed it to Shinji. "Okay, Shinji, first lesson. This is a 
piece of quite thin wood. You
should be able to break it with your fist if you put some strength into
it. Go ahead and try."

Rather advanced for a first lesson. Shouldn't he learn katas and some such before? Little practices and drills on reflexes before he improves on his endurance and strength (which is gradually developed as drills are enforced into reflex anyway)? Oh well... it's just another one of my nitpicks.

Shinji almost lost his balance when his momentum was not stopped by the
expected impact. Ranma had swiftly moved the board out of the way of his
fist and was now looking at him with a smile on his face.

"Martial arts are not about strength. They are not about speed. They are
not about winning or losing. They are about control."

He put down the board and sat down, motioning for Shinji to do the same.
"In a fight, it doesn't matter how strong you are if you can't hit your
opponent. And being fast will not guarantee a hit either. All that
matters is control. If my opponent has a small weakness in his defense,
I have to be able to land a blow in that exact spot. If I do not have
control over my movements, that will never happen. Do you understand?"

Though a bit advanced and Ranma's going too fast with his lessons... it's necessary for dramatic enhancement. Not necessarily realistic, but nontheless dramatic, which is at times goes above realism when needed. Kudos to you.

Ranma did a quick punch, leaving his arm extended. "It doesn't actually
matter how you punch. There is not one form that is inherently better to
all others. Although there are of course right ways and wrong ways. It's
just that there is not one right way, but many. What matters is knowing
how you punch. I know exactly how far I can reach. I know exactly how
fast I punch. I know exactly what every muscle in my arms does as I
move. I know this because I have performed this punch a million times,
over and over again, always the same. I know it. I have mastered it. I
control it. Do you understand?"

Hey, hey... remember... I suggest you try to avoid Proto-Ranma situations where Ranma nears... well-beyond anyone or anything. He's good, but he ain't perfect.  

Shinji simply nodded again. He grasped the basic thought behind it but
wondered if Ranma wasn't being just a bit melodramatic. It all sounded a
bit over the top.

I agree. ^-~

"Anyway, let's start. Put yourself in a position you feel comfortable
with and punch into my hand. I won't move it, but it's already a much
smaller target than a board. So you'll need to control where you punch.
Begin."

Later that night, Shinji collapsed on his futon, totally exhausted,
cursing whoever it was that had invented martial arts in the first
place.

Hm. Focus was a bit off on Shinji. I mean, I _know_ I sort of complained when I first thought that Tenma was merely being used as a stark contrast for Shinji's personality, but I didn't necessarily criticized the idea (misled as it was). What I'm trying to say here is that after Ranma's little explanation  concerning martial arts, you missed a grand opportunity of showing Shinji's little... er... quirks and some such. A dramatic scene of giving up and forced willingness, Shinji's angst and constant apologies and Ranma sheepishly rubbing the back of his head in wonder... but of course, that's how _I_ write. If your intentions were elsewhere, and if you wanted to maintain the focus evenly spread, then it's still all good and fine.

POST-FIC NOTES:
- I don't like writing scenes that contain absolutely nothing new. This 
is why I glanced over Ranma's explanation of his curse.

Though...

Tenma and Kosugi is kind of the same old different story... with a twist, but, IMO, Tenma's looks more like a clone of his father than an actual separate character. If that's your intention, then fine as well.

The conflict of the curse is now lost. I mourn deeply for it, but I will be strong.

I actually did read the first chapter... and, as promised, I will be making a general summarized review of both chapters in the end... which is now.

First chapter: I don't mean to seem so rude, but as I read it, I kept wondering... what was the point? What was the focus? Was it Ranma, who has taken in the background character status of Kaji yet still making an impact of a foreground character (i.e.. protagonist) It's certainly not Misato, who was practically glazed over like Akane. Then there was Tenma. I felt cold dread as I had flashbacks of fanfic author avatars. Oh yeah, then there was Shinji, btw... hm, not much could be said about him. So he's not the focus of the story, eh?

As the second chapter came about, I wondering again where the focus was... as I said before, it was spread all around the various characters that there's no clear distinction of purpose. At first I thought the story has taken a turn and suddenly focused on Shinji, with Tenma acting as some sort of sharp contrast... then everything suddenly became clear. 

Tenma was the Ranmavatar of the story. Surprisingly, the story isn't about him. Oh yeah, Shinji... Kosugi suddenly was attracted to him for good measure, so that we don't forget about him. Oh, and more scenes about the coolest sensei, Ranma.


To make a long summary short, the focus seems intended on Shinji, but it continuously falls back to these two dominant character that's debatably just one character... Tenma and Ranma. It's as if Shinji's not really needed, like he's the btw. character... well, yes, he was acting like a btw. character in Eva, but he mainly _acted_ like a btw. character but the story focus didn't treat him like one.

That's my main problem with the fic. It's probably one of the shortcomings of crossing over Ranma and NGE. Many authors choose to put similar aspects of the two series together to form a decent fic... a humor fic featuring Shinji, Asuka and Ranma? Sure. A dark, post-apocalyptic fic featuring Ranma searching for the mysterious Unit-01 pilot? Why not?

But, IMO, the main thing I disliked with this story is the blatant disregard of the genre differences of the crossed-over series, and its lack of focus. If you wanted to write a future Ranma fic, it's all good... but why put Eva there when you couldn't even focus one bit on Shinji? Instead you focus on Tenma's Ranma-ness or Ranma's martial arts expertise?

TEASERS:
How much trouble can Tenma get himself into? How will Shinji react after 
the next Angel attack? And what exactly happened to Ranma and Akane in 
all those years? Answers to these questions and many more in the next 
chapter.

To sum it all up, and even after reading the teaser, the summary is still the same... it's like you're telling two different stories that don't need to be crossed-over at all... like they happen to be living on the same plane but neither has a great impact on either worlds.  

Well, that's my two cents. It's just my opinionated rant... besides, you like the story, right? And your readers like your story too... that's what's important... writing what you like. Disregard all info you think is unnecessary and take what you find useful.


Ja!
Abdiel


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