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-- File: Cc1.txt
-- Desc: Cc1.txt
Ashley Raine, skateboarder supreme, surfer extreme, and
martial artist creme de la creme, was in the most challenging
and brutal fight of his life.
And he was losing.
He ducked, dodged, blocked, and sometimes, tentatively,
tried to strike back at his tormentor. Sweat soaked his clothes as
he stretched his skills to their utmost limit, but the outcome was
certain from the first exchange of blows; though he stretched out a
futile and hopeless battle against fate as long as humanly possible,
Ashley couldn't evade his opponent's brutal fists forever. One
ill-timed jump and a midair throw later, the end was at hand.
It was over, all over.
"Uwaa... uwaa... uwaa..."
"Hahahahaha, yatta!"
Ryu fell to the ground a final time, and Chun Li jumped up
and down, exulting in her inevitable victory.
Ashley almost crushed the controller in his bare hands as he
glared at the person sitting next to him. "One more fight!"
Jason laughed as he set his own controller down. "Ashley,
just because you're capable of nigh-superhuman feats of strength and
speed doesn't let you cross the line to true superhuman and make you
skilled enough to beat me at Street Fighter. You have much more
training before you can snatch the controller from my hand, young
weedhopper."
Ashley waved one hand flippantly. "C'mon, Jason. I'm a
frickin' martial artist. A game like this is solely a matter of
fast reflexes, of mashing the buttons faster than you. I should be
able to whup yer sorry ass, but...."
Jason grinned and said mockingly, "Old age and treachery
will beat youth and reflexes every time." As he set the controller
down, Jason glanced at the clock. Hesitantly, he added, "Er, Ash,
didn't you want me to remind you about meeting Rachel at nine..?"
Ashley looked at the clock himself and blanched. "Eight
forty-FIVE?!?!" In one smooth motion, he catapulted over the back
of the couch and jumped out their window, snatching his new
skateboard as he passed over it.
Jason, who had carefully turned off his game and put every-
thing away, looked out the window and watched Ashley drop his
skateboard and hop on, using his momentum to take off down the
sloping sidewalk at an amazing speed. "With how often he jumps out
the window, it's easy to forget we live on the third floor..." He
tripped over an object, and after glancing down he rolled his eyes
and shouted out the window, "ASHLEY, YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES AGAIN!!"
KURE JI KOUNAI
(Crazy Campus)
EPISODE ONE:
CULTURE SHOCK
_Crouch down a bit and lean into the curve..._
Ashley sighed as he let his body move along the familiar
route to his girlfriend's workplace and free his brain to do the
hard work of considering the path his life was taking. "I love
Rachel, I guess, but-"
_Shift weight to the side and turn to avoid that crack in
the sidewalk..._
"She's always so damn demanding."
_Do my super-ollie up to the railing down the stairs and
nosegrind down..._
"Maybe I should've gone out with that one Japanese ninja
girl, what was her name-"
_Kickflip off as my board reaches the end of the railing,
spinning around once before I reach the ground just for flare..._
"Shikei? Shiken? Shi-something, that's for sure."
_Take the landing firmly, making sure not to lose my balance
like that one time I bounced and flipped a triple somersault..._
"Stupid Japanese names. But at least she understood what a
martial artist's-"
_Duck the clothesline punch that comes at me from the
shadowy alley, then hop off my board and kick the bottom up,
catching the trucks in my left hand..._
"Gotta do what a martial artist's gotta..."
_Put my board on my left shoulder and tilt my head slightly,
putting just the right scowl on my face for an irreverent pose._
"Do?"
Ashley knew very well that he wasn't the sharpest knife on
the magnetized rack. Years of training had honed his reflexes to
react long, long before any actual synapses fired, and he was far
more comfortable thinking with his fists than his mind anyway. Now,
though, his brain caught up with his body rather abruptly and Ashley
groaned in annoyance, spoiling the fight-opening pose that he'd
practiced so often in front of mirrors innumerable.
"Look, buddy, I ain't got time for this."
A shadow detached itself from inside the alley and stepped
forward into the wan light from the street lamps. "At last, Ashley
Raine, you have the opportunity to face the Bull of Tenochtitlan,
Rodriguez Domingo Perro Aguilez!"
After glancing the mountain-like man over once, Ashley
wasn't quite sure exactly what made him want to both laugh and cry
at the same time. It could have been the dark pink on light blue
wrestling suit that his cartoonishly-proportioned body was squeezed
into. Maybe it was the ill-fitting Zorro mask that fell off his
slanted forehead and drooped down his nose. But most likely it was
the way his cleanly shaven and very polished head threw blinding
highlights into Ashley's eyes.
_Something about this guy makes my fists itch to break his
face, but I really DON'T want to piss Rachel off again this
month. So..._ Ashley nodded to himself and decided to try
reasonable.
"If you're lookin' to get some more rank in the C circuit,
you DO need to challenge me officially. Fer cryin' out loud, this is
the big-time! Call my dojo at-"
The man balled up his fists and charged, bellowing, and
Ashley decided that reasonable wasn't going to work. He flipped his
skateboard away carefully, aiming for the grass, and slid one foot
forward. _Big, bulky, slow. This should be a quick fight, which is
good. I hate to rush a beating like the one this guy's earned for
interrupting me, but-_
What happened next was a sequence the likes of which Ashley
had only seen in his favorite black-and-white comedies.
Ashley's skateboard bounced off of something in the grass
and, through some weird providence of coincidence, hit the sidewalk
again, rolling towards the charging Bull of Tenochtitlan.
Not watching where he was going, the Bull stepped on the
board at an angle, tilting it up into an impromptu manual, and it
carried him backwards while his arms flailed about wildly.
The wheels hit a crack and the board caught, sending the
Bull into a backflip that carried him almost to the edge of the
stairs Ashley had just descended. The martial artist winced just
before the Bull of Tenochtitlan landed.
A sharp snap echoed through the night.
"Ohh... it hurts... owie...."
Ashley walked over to the Bull of Tenochtitlan and looked
down at him, a bead of sweat rolling down his head.
"I can't just leave him here." A glance at the university
clock tower told Ashley that he was already late, and that every
second which ticked further along only added to his doom, but...
"Gawddammit, it's the Code. C'mon, Rachel, understand
just this once."
* * * *
The light through the restaurant windows reprieved the
oppressive gloom of the street outside, and Ashley could hear
laughter and merriment through the cheerful music that skirled out
of the open windows.
He moved to the door, and it swung open smoothly at his
touch. He stepped through, conjuring all the courage he'd ever
known, all the valiance he'd ever crafted, for that simple action.
The suddenly cowardly and timid martial artist flinched as
every waitress in the place pierced him with gimlet gazes. The
music scratched momentarily then halted entirely, and dead silence
filled the cafe.
"Er, when is Rachel's next break, Marcie?"
"To deal with YOU?" The older woman behind the counter
tossed her black hair back over her shoulder with one hand. "Any
time she needs one, jerk." A slight gesture sent one of the
waitresses scurrying for the kitchen doors, and Marcie pointed
towards a table nestled in a corner. "Wait for her there, you
insensitive deadbeat. Why she even puts up with you..."
An expressive sigh filled with hidden meaning chased Ashley
to the table and he slid into the cold vinyl seats, half-wondering
if any of the waitresses giving him the evil eye would hand him a
menu. Despite their obvious ill-will, one of them dropped a
laminated sheet in front of him and walked away without another
word.
It was starting to sink in that he was in deep trouble. He'd
never been given the cold shoulder like THIS before. Ever. The music
started up again, but this time it was slow, almost dirgelike...
He held the menu up over his face, trying to hide from the
accusing eyes, and scanned down its listings of fried food to
distract himself, if only for a moment, from the ordeal about to
come.
"A-hem."
He decided to try confident. He closed the menu and said,
"Hey, babe, you won't believe what happened to me on the way...
over... here..?"
Ashley had seen many a terrifying sight in his time, most
of them inflicted on him by his grandfather in the name of martial
arts. A pit with a hundred starving cats, a park filled with
stupidly huge animals, midnight raids on sorority laundry baskets,
a thousand tax returns that absolutely, positively, HAD to be done
overnight... the ways of the training martial artist are
frightening, but each new challenge overcome prepares you for the
next.
Rachel didn't look angry. No vein throbbing, no flaming
glare, just a calm, sedate look, and for just a moment Ashley dared
to hope that he wasn't doomed after all.
Then, her eyebrow twitched. Once.
And Ashley realized what true terror was as it filled his
soul and paralyzed his body, rendering him unable to even twitch,
much less run away, as Rachel slid into the other seat.
"So, Ashley, what was it this time?" Her tone was almost
friendly, but now he knew better than to trust it.
"Well, y'see, I was on my way here, and this idiot jumped
out of the shadows and challenged me. I woulda just clobbered him
quick and hauled ass here, but..."
"But??" Now the carefully constructed facade that Rachel had
plastered over her face began to crack and fall away, revealing the
fiery rage behind it.
"Ah, er, ah, heh, y'see, h-h-he..."
She slammed both hands, palm down, onto the table. "STOP
STAMMERING!!"
"He broke his leg after slipping on my skateboard, and I had
to carry him to the campus clinic!"
Rachel put one hand to her forehead and started rubbing her
temples, leaning back slightly. "So. Let me guess, your Code of
Martial Artists?"
Ashley grinned in relief. "Y-yeah! So, you underst-"
He suddenly noticed that he was holding her wrist firmly,
the back of her hand inches from his face, and Ashley realized that
she'd just tried to slap him. Tears glistened in her green eyes,
and she spat out, "It's over, Ashley. I like you, but I can't deal
with the way you take all that stuff you do with your friends more
seriously than you do me. Last month there was that kung fu movie
festival that you TOLD me you would take me to, then you DITCHED me
for that stupid surfing tournament..."
Ashley let go of her hand and grimaced. "Look, you know how
I feel about kung fu movies. Besides, I got CHALLENGED by Quentin. I
can't just stand back from a-"
Rachel interrupted. "Then, two weeks ago, that man came to
my house and knocked me out as some kind of bait in a trap for you!
He apologized nicely about doing it after you rescued me, but-"
"And he was punished for it, too. He should've realized that
you weren't a martial artist and weren't subject to the Co-"
"I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THIS STUPID CODE OF MARTIAL
ARTISTS, ASHLEY!! It drives me _INSANE_ that because of YOU I can't
feel safe any more. He came into my _house_, Ashley."
She looked down at her lap, and then looked up again, a
solemn expression on her face. "I... I can't be your fiance any
more."
Ashley got a cold, hollow feeling in his stomach and he felt
as if Rachel and the restaurant and the whole world was starting to
fall away from him, distancing him from the pain he knew should be
tearing at him from the inside.
He'd never really thought about it deeply, but Ashley had
always known that he loved Rachel... and he had to admit that she
was right. _It'd be better for her, a lot better, if I wasn't in her
life._
That feeling of separation grew and filled his whole body
with a numbing chill as his vision tunnelled slowly, and he wondered
why he was about to faint. _It isn't as if this is a big suprise;
I should have seen this coming a long time ago..._
Rachel pulled the ring off of her finger and tossed it at
him, and Ashley didn't, _couldn't_, react as it bounced off his
chest and landed in his lap. Then she put her face in both of her
hands. "That's what I wanted to talk to you tonight about. I've
already discussed it with your parents and mine, and..."
She looked up at him and gasped. "Ashley? Ashley!"
...And Ashley realized that it WASN'T some illusion of
distance created by his mind to protect him from the pain of
Rachel's truthful words and realistic actions, that he WAS falling
away from her and the restaurant and the world, tugging him from an
unimaginable direction. He screamed as his vision narrowed to only
Rachel's face and her outstretched hand, and he fought with all his
strength to put one hand out to hers...
Then blackness closed over his sight and he traveled for
an infinite time in a way that he lacked any words to describe, even
to himself, and the only thing that saved him from madness was her
final words, echoing over and over in his ears:
"Forget what I said! I do love you! Come back..!"
* * * *
Ashley hit a cold metal floor hard, landing on his stomach
in a way that whomped a breath he'd held for eternity. He lay there,
gasping, eyes closed so tight against the darkness that he wasn't
sure whether or not the feeling of steel underneath him was just an
illusion created by his mind, and he didn't want to risk opening
them only to find out that it was.
A ringing sound echoed through his ears, and without opening
his eyes Ashley reached one hand out and caught a ring in his hand.
_Rachel... did you mean what you said?_ The small gem poked his
palm, and fresh tears squeezed out of his eyes as he clenched
harder around the ring he'd given Rachel in what suddenly seemed
like another life, a much happier one. _Whether she loves me or not
doesn't matter anyway. She's better off without me..._
Then, a woman spoke into the silence. "I told you that it
wouldn't work, Devan, but would you ever listen to me? Nooooo, of
course not." The woman's voice was husky and manlike, sounding like
butterscotch poured out over Ashley's ears. "Never mind the fact
that I've actually _had_ experience messing around with the
infinite, never mind the fact that..."
"Oh just shut up, will you Rube?" This other voice was male
and and sounded quite irritated. "You've proved your point.
Obviously a _scientist_ isn't qualified to mess around with the
wonders of space and time, only you mystics and crystal-wavers, am
I right?"
"For once, you ARE right! But we don't have time for a good
argument right now. We've gotta find out where this poor guy came
from and help him get back."
"Hey, don't bother yourself on my account..." Ashley tried
to say, but it came out only as a low groan of agony and despair.
Lacking the energy to do anything else, he just kept lying down
as slow, rhythmic steps walked towards him. He managed to turn his
head and watch a pair of sturdy boots move next to his head, then
slowly kneel down, revealing that the walker was clad in a dark blue
jumpsuit that was far too large for the person wearing it.
Firm hands took his chin and turned his head so that he was
looking into the face of the one of the cutest girls he'd ever laid
eyes on. Her delicate features were framed by bangs and two long
strands of hair that dangled in front of her ears and almost reached
down to the floor. Though her large, bushy eyebrows gave her a
fierce, masculine aspect, the illusion was spoiled by her large,
liquid gray eyes and small rosebud mouth, which was currently
quirked up in a strange half-smile.
"Are you okay?" she asked simply.
Ashley fainted.
* * * *
Ruben was on her feet in one smooth motion. She looked over
at Wiley, who was busy banging on his would-be time machine with a
hydrospanner. "Devan! Your victim just collapsed. Where the heck is
your Bedbug-Bot?"
Wiley stopped in midswing and slowly lowered the 'spanner.
"Eh, she's somewhere around." He turned away from the exposed
electronics that were sending up small drifts of black smoke and
shouted into the depths of his underground laboratory, "Bedbug-Bot!
Come HERE, Bedbug-Bot!"
Shortly, a bed with mechanized legs came waddling out of the
ill-lit depths, and Ruben sighed to herself. _I guess I can under-
stand the need for proper mood-lighting in a lair, but I wish he'd
just admit how handy some fluorescents would be..._
Wiley pointed to the raised platform. "Over there, Bedbug-
Bot! Over there!" Obediently, the long, squat robot walked to where
Wiley pointed and waited there with an air of patience.
Ruben patted Bedbug-Bot with one hand as she pointed the
other at Wiley's victim. She seized him in bonds of Air and lifted
him over to Bedbug-Bot. The magician directed a stray tendril of Air
to sweep aside the covers and set him carefully down, withdrawing
her bonds slowly.
"I still don't understand how you do that."
Ruben shrugged without looking over her shoulder. "It's
crystal-waving nonsense, why the heck should you care?" After
smoothing the man's sweat-soaked hair away from his forehead, she
held a black pearl centered over his forehead. The pearl let out a
small flash of blue light, then another, then a third, pulsing
steadily.
Ruben let out a small sigh. "Good. Aside from an under-
standable amount of despair, his sanity is still intact from his
exposure to the horrors of the true reality of space and time." She
allowed herself a small smile. "As intact as anyone's ever is,
anyway..."
She ran the pearl slowly over the rest of him, holding
it several inches above his skin. "Now, let's see what other damage
you've done to him with your insane contraption." After several
minutes of waving the pearl back-and-forth across his body and
carefully watching the the rhythmic flashes, she leaned away and
stowed the pearl in a small pouch at her side. "Nmph. Now that's
odd."
"What is?"
The magician looked over her shoulder at Wiley. "Incredibly
enough, he sustained absolutely _no_ damage from being dragged here
by your lunatic experiment. Perhaps," she added grudgingly, "your
design _won't_ kill anything that travels through it, as I had
originally thought."
Wiley pressed a button on a small remote control attached to
his belt, then raised one fist into the sky and powerposed against
the Rising Sun! (Hologram conveniently provided by Ego-BotTM. Would
life be worth living without one?) "I knew it! My design was
perfect! UWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Ruben waited until Wiley had stopped laughing, than pointed
at the other platform. "I suppose that's why the guinea pig is still
there?"
Wiley turned and regarded the small rodent thoughtfully. "I
will admit, there are a few minor design fla- er, unexpected extra
features."
"A few UNEXPECTED extra fea- er, MINOR design flaws!" Ruben
towered over Wiley, rage burning in her eyes. "As I recall, your
machine was supposed to send the guinea pig _one day_ into the
future, not _drag_ some helpless soul from spirits know where in
time and space!"
Her righteous ire burned for a moment, then Wiley said with
an slight grin, "The same way a certain person's spells was supposed
to help a helpless soul gain relief from an old family ghost, not
make every ghoul, spirit, and haunt from a thousand miles around
come screaming to torment him?"
A blush crept over Ruben's face and she looked down at her
hands, twiddling her fingers. "Well, that was improvised spell-
casting, and you never know what might go wrong when you meddle
with an established formula..." She sighed. "I guess we all make
mistakes, right?"
"Now that's the attitude I expect from my first friend on
this backwater planet!" Wiley stepped next to the man that was lying
on Bedbug-Bot and poked his upper arm. The mad scientist owch'ed as
his finger was bent painfully in payment for his efforts, then he
turned to Ruben. "What say _you_ wake him up, okay?"
* * * *
Ashley rose to consciousness slowly, almost unwillingly.
_I'm so comfortable. Wow, I guess it WAS all a dream. But..._ He
fidgeted as something cold and metal poked into his back. _Why is
there a 3/8 socket wrench in my bed?_
"Can you hear me?"
Ashley jerked upright as the woman he'd seen in his dream
spoke into his ear, almost banging his head into her face. "AAHH!!!"
He looked around and nearly screamed again. Instead of his
comfortable room decorated with Three Stooges and Marx Brothers
posters, he was in a room that was so huge the far walls were
shrouded in darkness. There were tables and desks and work-benches
everywhere, and every square inch of them, along with a healthy
amount of floor space, was covered with a bewildering array of
weird-looking electronic devices and tools. Several machines were
moving around in the background, arranging and disarranging the
gear scattered about to some unknowable commands.
He closed his eyes and pinched himself. "Ow. It isn't a
dream."
"Excuse me?"
Ashley opened his eyes and looked at the woman who'd spoken
to him earlier. She was standing beside the bed, looking
sympathetic, one hand on her cheek and the other in the pocket of
her coverall. "Uh, it isn't a dream?"
She nodded and sat down on the bed beside him. "You poor
guy..." Distracted for a moment by a glimpse down the front of her
loose coverall, Ashley missed what she said next. _Did she say her
name was Robin? She must've... that's about the only name that would
fit into what she said._ She gestured and Ashley turned around to
see a man working in a machine with a tool in each hand, not
flinching back at the occasional spark that singed his stained and
dirty labcoat. She asked gently, "Your name is..?"
"Ashley Raine." He sighed and tried to make a joke, but it
came out sounding tired and depressed. "I take it this means that
I'm not in Kansas any more?"
Robin looked blankly at him. "Huh?"
"...Never mind." Ashley sighed again. _Great, just great.
Not only am I drawn to... wherever this is... in a way that only
the cheesiest '50's scifi movie would let slide, but I'm in a place
where people are ignorant of the classic quotes!? Cast into a
barbarous land indeed..._
"Actually, you're in southern California, not Kansas." She
rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "And it's currently... hmmm... 2147
Anno Domini, if that's the timescale you're used to."
Ashley stared, his throat not working for a moment, then
he squeaked out, "Excuse me, did you say it was 2147?"
"Yeah!" She nodded cutely, grinning.
"That's what I thought." Ashley tilted his head to the side.
"Okay, time to shave with Arkham's Gillette... or something like
that... stupid logic classes." He moved out of the bed, and Ruben
got out of his way quickly, an expression of surprise on her face.
"Well, since a time machine is just plain crazy, and myself thinking
that I'm a hundred and fifty years in the future is absolutely
cracked, I guess that means I AM crazy!"
Ashley sighed in relief. "Thank God. For a second there, I
thought for sure that I was in trouble. Well, guess that I just have
to wait peacefully until they drag me to the nuthouse!"
Someone cleared their throat, and Ashley turned around to
see the tall, skinny man looking up from his box, still twisting a
tool around inside the machine. "The only problem in shaving with
Occham's Razor is that it's inherently flawed. It only works from
deductive logic, rather than inductive logic, and I assure you that
you need to do some inducting of new data into your world-view to
deal with this. Fortunately," he indicated the box with a sweeping
gesture, "I think that I can send you back to your home right now,
IF you want to go."
"Of course he does!" Robin said indignantly.
Ashley looked down at the ring in his hand and held it
between two fingers, frowning in thought. _DO I want to go back?_
He slipped the ring onto his pinky and sighed. _Whether or not I
get out of her life, I don't belong here. It wouldn't be right for
me to throw all my old life away, just because of Rachel._ His eyes
widened as a sudden memory came rushing forward. _And there's the
finals of that surfing tournament that Quentin challenged me to! I
CAN'T let HIM win!_ His fist clenched.
"Then step onto the platform, and I shall return you to your
home time."
Now, though, Robin looked dubious. "Uh, Devan, are you sure
that this is a good idea? Maybe you should look over the clockwork
or whatever runs that thing before using it again..."
"Pish-posh. It worked once, it'll work again. Trust me."
Ashley was already on the platform, waiting impatiently.
_I won't lose to Quentin! That stuck-up prig, thinks he's so hot
because he's got money and can afford personal trainers 24 hours a
day when I have to train by snatching hot marshmallows out of a
blazing fire..._ His eyes narrowed in rage at the thought of
mocking laughter echoing across time. "C'mon c'mon c'mon!"
The scientist strode over to a console covered in blinking
lights. He contemplated the two levers protruding from it for a
moment, then shrugged and placed his hand on one. "If that one
brought you here, then..."
He pulled the lever.
The box exploded in a shower of sparks and flames, sending
burning metal in all directions. Ashley ducked low to avoid the
cables that had snapped up, whipping over the platform that they'd
once connected to, and when he looked up again he saw a swarm of
machines wielding fire extinguishers, battling the dozens of little
fires that had sprung up around the shop.
The scientist was standing in the same place, face and hair
blackened by the blast, the lever still in his hand, though the
rest of the machine was reduced to a small hill of dust that blew
away in some unseen wind as Ashley watched.
The woman had one hand out in front of her in the direction
of the blast, an eerie blue glow around it. She lowered her hand
slowly, the glow fading, and looked up at Ashley, resignation on
her face. "Well, I should have expected THAT from one of HIS
inventions. It looks like you're going to be here for a while, at
least until he fixes the ma-"
Ashley found himself with both fists clenching the
scientist's labcoat, shaking the hapless fellow wildly. "YOU SEND
ME BACK NOW!!"
The scientist's eyes focused on Ashley's face, then his eyes
narrowed, the only warning that Ashley had before a giant's fist
smashed into his chest and sent him flying away from the scientist.
"Don't TOUCH me, plebian!"
The martial artist landed and rolled backwards, coming up in
a ready crouch. _Damn! He's fast! What the hell did he hit me with?_
Ashley noticed that one of the scientist's hands was at a control on
his belt, and his eyes narrowed. _I bet that's what he did. So if I
can pin his hands..._
He heard Robin sigh. "We don't have time for this. PACIFY."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her gesture towards both him
and the scientist, sweeping her hand in a wide arc. Sparkles shot
across Ashley's vision and all he could think was how tired he was,
how pointless it was to do anything but sleep. He shook his head
and put one foot forward heavily, fighting against the sudden urge
to lie down and give up, striding forward slowly, battling with
every ounce of his will to not collapse before he beat nine kinds of
hell out of the bastard that had brought him here.
"Ninja-Bots, forward!"
Through the haze of drowsiness, Ashley was vaguely aware of
his reflexes galvanizing into something unstoppable as black forms
tried to block his path...
* * * *
Wiley ducked bits of Ninja-Bot as they flew from the
swirling melee that was mere feet in front of him. The scientist
watched, his eyes narrowing as he saw the martial artist battling
with no less than four of his best creations ever, and actually
WINNING. He clutched his head as Ruben's spell attacked his
defenses, trying to worm its way past them and knock him out.
"Ouch! Damn it all, second wave forward! Defend my lab's honor!"
The second wave, consisting of only one robot, strode forth.
Wiley looked at it and groaned internally. _Out of all the damn bots
to keep as the absolute LAST line of defense, I had to pick..._
Ashley looked up from the limp remains of the last and
jumped just in time to avoid a whirling dervish attack executed by
the spinning Top Man.
With sharp blows of his hands, the martial artist knocked
away the thrown tops and came down, foot aimed right for Top Man's
head, who managed to spin away, avoiding the attack... but tripping
over a broken shard of Ninja-Bot, flying away into the darkness in a
clatter of mechanical limbs.
As the martial artist turned back towards Wiley, the
scientist uttered two words at the look in the man's eye.
"Uh-oh..."
* * * *
Then Ashley fell, dragged down by a lethargy that seeped
into his bones, filling them with a leaden weight which crept to
encompass his whole body. For a moment, he tried to stand, pushing
himself up with arms that protested every movement, then they gave
way and he collapsed against his will into a peaceful sleep.
* * * *
Ruben lowered her hand slowly, gasping with the effort of
finally knocking out the surprisingly strong-willed martial artist.
"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen." _Am I losing my touch? Or
is he THAT strong? He went berserk when I cast the Pacify, as if
suppressing his consciousness only brought out something stronger
in him..._ She shook her head doubtfully. _I hope that using so much
power doesn't affect my transformation back._
Wiley tried to glare up at her, but he couldn't quite summon
up enough anger to make it effective. "Awh, dammit, Rube, I hate it
when you use that Pacify bippityboppityboop on me."
She glared at him, and had more than enough anger behind the
glare to make it effective. "Then you should stop picking fights
that you can't win so I don't have to haul your ass out of the fire."
"Oh, what makes you think I would have," the scientist
yawned voluminously, "lost, eh? In my own lab? With my extensive
supply of defensive implements?" He let out a nervous chuckle and
looked away from her, yawning again.
Ruben mopped sweat from her brow with one oversized sleeve
and said dryly, "Call it a hunch." She waggled a finger and the
prone Ashley floated into the air, his arms dangling limply. Ruben
rubbed the back of her neck as she sighed. "Can you fix the time
machine?"
Wiley tossed the lever he still held onto the floor and
grunted. "Not bloody likely. I'll have to order fresh parts and
slap an entirely new one together, and now that I've proven the
theory that it works, why should I bother making a new one?"
Ruben sighed and cracked her knuckles. "Look, Devan, if
you don't take responsibility for helping out this-" She glanced
significantly at the floating man, and Wiley grunted.
"Fine, fine, fine, I understand. I'll do it as fast as I
can, okay? But some of those parts will take me MONTHS to get in.
Until then..."
Ruben looked down at Ashley, who had floated gradually to
her side, and patted his head sympathetically. "What do we do with
him now that he's stuck here?"
Devan held up one finger. "Ah! I know! We can keep him
locked and tied up in the lower level of my lab! I have a perfectly
good dungeon down there that's just going to waste."
"..."
Devan shrugged resignedly. "All right, fine, just shoot down
all of my suggestions. He'll need SOME sort of cover if he's going
to be out in the open, somewhere we can keep an eye on him."
Ruben grinned. "What about the Purloined Letter method? We
enroll him for at least the fall semester? He's about the right age
for a student here..."
"Yeah. Might as well enroll him as an excuse to keep him
close until I put the machine together." Wiley reached out one
hand and a holographic keyboard appeared underneath it. As he typed
rapidly he said, "and as a partial repatriation, I'LL cover the
expense of his schooling until I send him home, okay? Talk to the
Gweep."
"Thanks. I'll ask him about it when he wakes up, but I don't
think he'll refuse." Ruben started for the door and the floating
Ashley followed her. "I'm gonna take him over to my room and set him
up in Ogre's bed." She grinned. "I was gonna need a new roommate
anyway."
* * * *
The mysterious shadow watched...
The mysterious shadow waited...
The mysterious shadow...
Gnawed on a ham sandwich, chewing messily, his eyes trained
on the entrance of the Extreme Science building.
He finished the last bite and almost choked on it as the
Prophecy was Fulfilled.
Not wanting to be called a fool by the ancient Wise Ones,
he reached into his shirt and removed the sacred scroll, unrolling
it just far enough to read aloud the first words. "Andde inne Thee
Twelfe hour Shalle come Thee One, Emerging From Thee Lab of Madness
Rife. The One Shalle Bee Floating..."
He smiled in anticipation. "Soon, Ashley Raine, as the rest
of the prophecy is fulfilled, you shall face me in combat to
determine who will stand and who will fall." He glanced at his watch
and gasped. "But for now, I'm missing today's episode of Modern
Ninja Living!" He faded into the darkness.
Ruben stopped for a moment, certain that someone was
watching her. Then Ashley bumped into her from behind, and she
shrugged it off as relatively unimportant. _If someone wants to duel
me, they can look all they want to first._ She grinned and said
aloud, "It's always fun to crush a challenger like a bug, y'know?"
* * * *
Ruben leaned backwards in her chair, splitting her
attention between the novel in her hands and her patient on the
lower bunk. _After the dose of sedative magic he took, he should
be out for a few hours at least._ She smiled slyly. _But if what I
think is true..._
Ashley stirred and snorted, so Ruben marked her place and
sat up. "Are you awake again?"
"Where IS he!"
Ruben sighed. "He's trying to make a new time machine so
we can send you back to your own time."
Ashley sat up, and the sudden motion made him clutch his
head. "That's great," he groaned without much enthusiasm.
"...He says it'll take a few months."
He stopped clutching and jerked his head towards Ruben,
jaw gaping in shock. For a moment, his mouth moved up and down
without uttering a sound, then he took a deep breath and almost
shouted, "WHAT?!"
"Don't worry about it, don't worry about it!" Ruben waved
one hand. "We can send you back to the moment you left. From this
end, you have all the time in the world."
Ashley rubbed his face and groaned, "What the heck am I
gonna do until then?"
"Well," Ruben stood up, "Devan is paying for you to enroll
in this university for a semester. Since you're already a sophomore
in your old community college, I can just ask my friend to hack
some records here and there and get you admitted as a sophomore
here. You'll have to enroll for classes, of course, but..."
Ashley swung his legs out of the bunk and sat on the edge.
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad, but..." He gave Ruben a suspicious
look. "Wait a sec. How'd you know that I was a college student?"
Ruben tossed his wallet into his lap. "Your student ID in
your wallet, silly." She stood up and handed him a set of clothes.
"Also, your trip through time didn't leave your whites at your
whitest, if you know what I mean. There's a shower at the end of
hall; don't come back until you're clean."
"A shower?" Ashley looked thoughtful and stood up himself.
He raised one arm and sniffed, wincing visibly at the odor.
"Yes. Outside the door and to your left; it's the door at
the end of the hall labeled 'Bathing Area.'" Ruben got behind Ashley
and he looked over his shoulder at her. "I'm going over next door to
the Gweep's so he can get started on the hack-job. Come over there
when you get done, okay?" She set her hands on his back and started
shoving him out the door.
* * * *
Ashley let himself be pushed out the door by the diminutive
female, too bemused by the view down her loose shirt to resist. When
the door closed behind him, he wiped a slight line of drool from his
chin and shrugged. _Well, she did have a point about the shower... I
could really use one._ He started for the door at the end of the
hall with a thoughtful attitude.
A brief tap later, he swung the door open and stepped in.
The sound of a shower greeted him as he looked around the room.
There were four shower stalls, one of them running, but the steam
fogging the door rendered whomever was inside invisible. Another
door in the wall to the left had a hand-lettered sign hanging from
it that read, "Make sure to rinse yourself before entering the
bathtub."
Ashley slid his shirt off and tossed it onto the bench,
then he stretched out a hundred and fifty year's worth of kinked
muscle and tendon.
"Oooohh..." Ashley stopped stretching and noticed the woman
peeking out of the still-running shower, a wide grin spread across
her face. She winked at him and turned the shower off and stepped
out, seizing a towel at the last moment and covering her front with
it as she walked to the bathtub door.
When she closed the door behind her, Ashley breathed a sigh
of relief. Then, she leaned out of the door again and he jumped.
The woman laughed slightly as she reached out to put a sign on the
door that read, "Females Only! NO PEEPING, PERVS!!" Smaller writing
underneath that said, "Yes, this means you Kokeru M." She winked at
him again and swung the door shut.
Ashley stood there and blinked several times, then shrugged
and finished preparing for his shower.
* * * *
There are few things more useless in the summer months than
the drum major of a marching band, and Drum Major Pip was all too
tragically aware of that. With a bare minimum of minions to order
around until the next semester began, the Drum Major was doing
whatever she could to secure her future.
"Join the Marching Band! C'mon, what's wrong with you
people? Don't you have _any_ school spirit?!"
"Mistress..."
Drum Major Pip turned to her boon companion, French Horn
One. Oh, she knew that his real name was, uh, er, hmm... Olaf
Beefcake, but she found that it helped her focus to only think of
her minions as the objects that they were.
"Yes, French Horn One?"
"I do not t'ink zat ve vill get any new recruits today,
Mistress."
The Drum Major would have become tremendously angry at most
of her minions if they'd dared contradict any of her ideas (Over-
Lording 203: Care and Feeding of Flunkies had taught her to deal
with those who dared to speak against her very harshly) but French
Horn One was a... special case. He led her crack squad of French
Horns into combat, and was her trusted right hand man.
Why, she'd even trust him to baby-sit her beloved Chia pets!
So it was with an indulgent tone that she asked, "Why-ever not,
French Horn One?"
The hulking man took in the entire campus with one sweep of
his muscled arm. "Because, Mistress, it is ze summer semester. Ze
only people here know of ze marching band already..." He took a
deep breath, then continued. "And ze uniforms scare off many
people."
Drum Major Pip looked French Horn One up and down. He was
dressed out in the standard marching band uniform, just like she;
purple half-cape, shiny silver uniform, freshly shined boots, and a
two-foot hat with a purple, bobbing plume nodding cheerfully back
and forth on the top. "What's wrong with the uniform?"
Noting that her tone was more mild then angry, Olaf Beefcake
took another breath and said slowly, "Because people are scared of
ze uniform after you almost conquered ze campus last semester."
The Drum Major cackled briefly. "AheheeHEehehee!" Then, she
calmed herself, and said dismissively, "As well they should fear me.
Why, if that filthy Mad Sci major hadn't managed to flank my Flute
battalion with his robots, I would have taken the Admin Building for
sure! And from there, I would have ruled the whole campus. And from
the campus, I could have ruled the world..." _Ah, such a simple
plan. Where could it have possibly gone wrong?_
"So, Mistress, you see vhat I am saying?"
"I... suppose." For a moment, Drum Major Pip was downcast.
Then, she brightened and seized a handful of recruitment pamphlets.
"I suppose I'll just have to redouble my efforts! AheHEheHEEheheee!"
She continued to cackle even as she strode off to find new vict- er,
potential new band members!
Olaf Beefcake stood there for a moment, watching her, then
shook his head and sighed. "I suppose zat I should go and follow
her. Zere is no telling vhat trouble to vhich she could get in..."
* * * *
Ashley stepped out of the bathroom door, dressed in his
borrowed clothing and refreshed by a briskly cold shower. He started
for the door that Robin had pushed him out of, but as he touched
the doorknob he paused. _Didn't she say something about being next
door?_
Just as he was turning towards the door, it swung open.
...And Ashley could only stare in wonder at the goddess of
lust incarnate that stepped out, drooling incoherently as she strode
towards him and put one hand out to stroke his cheek, her black eyes
half-lidded. "So, _you're_ the poor guy?" she breathed sexily, her
chest moving in ways that compelled his eyes downward.
Several seconds later, Ashley realized that she was probably
expecting some sort of answer. After swallowing several times to
restore the moisture in his throat, he spoke. "Gah? Bwehh... Gah!"
She gasped in shock, her red tongue flicking over fanged
teeth. "I forgot!" She turned away and her hands went to her hair,
pinning it up in a bun.
When she turned back, Ashley blinked. Instead of the sex
goddess that had been there just seconds before, paralyzing him with
her beauty, there was just a woman in front of him. She was
attractive, to be sure, but there was no reason...
Fanged teeth? Black eyes?
She patted her bun carefully. "Sorry, I'm so used to letting
my hair down around Ruben and his friends that I didn't think you'd
be affected so strongly. My name here is Lilah." She put her right
hand out and Ashley took it reflexively, shaking firmly.
"Uh... what are you?" As soon as the words left his mouth,
Ashley had to curse their sheer stupidity. She didn't seem to mind,
however, and she chuckled lightly.
"I was created by man long ago, a desire they thought they
wished for but in the end could never attain. I have-"
"Eh, Lilah, are you planning to tell him your whole life's
story or are you going to show him in here?" The voice sounded
strangely familiar to Ashley, but it was undeniably masculine and
wasn't the scientist who'd dragged him here.
Lilah glanced over her shoulder. "Okay, okay, I'll show him
in." She rolled her eyes and beckoned the martial artist. "Please
come in."
Ashley followed her through the door, and a young man looked
up from his perch on the single bed in the room. "Hey, Ashley. After
the Gweep gets done with whatever he needs you to do personally,
we'll head over to the Admin building and..." The man peered closely
at Ashley. "Why are you turning grey?"
Now, to say that Ashley was dimwitted simply because he
found thinking with his fists easier than his brain would be wrong.
After all, it takes SOME intelligence to memorize three thousand
different martial arts and learn efficient counter-techniques for
each, or analyze a fresh opponent's style in a fraction of a second
and adapt to it, or to to remember the Eight Hundred Kata of the
Panty Collector.
All of those instincts were tingling the moment he laid
eyes upon the man with his hair pulled back in a ponytail and two
long strands left dangling before his ears. _I've seen this guy
before... but where?_
Gears turned, circuits clicked shut, and his mind supplied
the answer almost as soon as he asked the question of himself.
This man was Robin.
Ashley's world wobbled around him for the third time that
day, and he clutched for the doorknob. "What the hell's going on?"
* * * *
Ruben stared blankly at Ashley for a moment, then he
smacked one fist into his open palm. "Oh, didn't I tell you?
Spirits, how absentminded of me..."
"You idiot!" Lilah bashed the back of his head, and he
glared irately at her.
"Damn it, you can't blame me for one little slip! I've had
more important things to worry about than _me_, what with trying to
figure out how to clean up after ANOTHER of Devan's messes and
help out this poor victim."
Lilah crossed her legs and floated in midair, looking at
Ruben with a vacant expression that he knew all too well was a false
front. "Why are you helping him, anyway?"
"Because when I screwed up last year, Devan handed out
proton packs to the entire dorm to help ME clean up MY mess."
"No, I meant HIM." Lilah jerked her head towards the martial
artist who was still clutching the doorknob, staring at Ruben as if
he'd grown a second head. Well, Ruben didn't blame him one bit for
that.
Ruben scratched the back of his head. "Because he needs a
helping hand, that's why!" _And because I may need him, since my
previous partner for the Tourney doubles graduated last year..._
Lilah grinned slyly. "Oh, I see how it is..." She floated
over to the sorcerer and elbowed him in the ribs. "Nudge nudge say
no MORE!"
"...Are you implying something?"
She nudged again. "A nod's as good as a wink to an old
succubus!"
Ashley recovered a few of his wits and managed to say,
"Excuse me..."
Ruben blinked. "I don't think I catch your meaning."
"Well, when you first met this guy, you were a woman,
right?"
"Um, can I get some answers over here?"
"Your point being?"
"Are you guys ignoring me INTENTIONALLY?"
Lilah nudged one final time. "Well, women have needs, and
this guy is a pretty prime hunk of beefcake. Deny it as you might,
sometimes YOU'RE a woman too..."
Ruben jumped off the bed to get away from her elbow, a
horrible suspicion about what Lilah was talking beginning to seep
in. "Look if you're saying that I-"
She held out both hands, waving them in denial. "Oh, no, no,
no! Well, yes, that is what I'm saying."
"OKAY, THAT'S IT!" Ruben raised one hand and pointed it
at the serenely floating Lilah, eldritch energies flickering around
it. "I'm banishing you back to Hell, you sex-spawned gutter-minded
fiend!!"
She stood up straight and let go of the restraint she kept
around her powers and her true form, letting her wings snap out
and spreading them as far as she could. "You still don't have the
_experience_ to beat me, you poor repressed little man."
Ruben's fingers popped audibly as he used them to weave a
Pythagorian Death-Hex around Lilah. For a moment, she seemed daunted
by the equation, but his anger had let slip a small hole in the
otherwise perfect weave and she fended the Hex off by solving it
with ease.
"Pathetic. You KNOW I had higher marks than you in math,
for all your hours of studying..."
Ruben glared, struggling to come up with a properly cutting
response. "Yes, of course you're more familiar with higher math than
I am. You need CALCULUS just to figure out all the men you've slept
with!!"
"Why, Ruben, you say that like it's a BAD thing..."
Ruben opened his mouth to retort again, then he realized
she'd already cast her spell while his attention was distracted by
her words. For a moment, he searched his defenses frantically to
find what she'd cast, looking so hard that he almost missed the
insidious curse she'd slid in. _Blast! Limbaugh's Raving Idiocy!_
Fortunately, Ruben defended his sanity in time with a
quickly woven Ward of Franken. "Dear old woman, you should recover
from your dotage long enough to learn that once-powerful curses now
have quick, efficient countermeasures. Your ancient right-wing
sorceries have no 'oomph' any more."
Now it was her turn to glare in impotent rage. "'Old woman?'
'Dotage?' I'll show YOU old!!"
Lilah held out both hands in front of her, cupping them as
she gathered energy into her palm. Ruben, confused, did the same
in response, though this was going too far. _She could blow up
half the building with what she has in there. I'm gonna have to try
for containment..._
Then, Ruben crossed a line that he'd never been able to pin
down for certain. It fluctuated constantly, letting him slide right
up to the edge some days while others it ambushed him unexepectedly
with casting spells he'd never had a problem with before.
The change he'd grown all too familiar with swept through
his body. His bones shrunk, his body deformed, and his flesh moved
in weird ways. Ruben staggered backwards, one of her hands moving
up to her face as the other clenched tighter around the power she'd
summoned lest it rage out of control and wind up destroying the
dorm. Again. Ruben gritted her teeth. _I am SO not paying to repair
this dorm a third time!_
After she finished transforming, Ruben glared up at the
laughing Lilah, who had let her gathered energies dissipate
harmlessly. "Damn you! I JUST changed back!!" With a flick of her
wrist the magician dispersed her power as well. "Now who KNOWS when
I'm gonna turn back into a man again!"
She waved one hand idly towards Ashley and said, "Yes, but
some people prefer visual aides." She turned towards the martial
artist and visibly folded her true form away again, becoming an
almost normal-looking woman.
"Geh?" Ashley shook his head rapidly, his eyes refocusing
on the two women standing in front of him. "Er, you mean _me_?"
"Yes, of course I do!" She gave a sultry sigh. "I've yet
to meet a man that DIDN'T like visual aides..."
Suddenly, the Gweep looked away from his computer screen.
"Ashley, could you please touch the scanner? I need your finger and
palm prints."
Ashley shook his head wildly and looked towards the fourth
person in the room as if noticing him for the first time, a mistake
that Ruben could understand quite easily. If there was a person who
could simply walk into a room and by virtue of sheer charisma and
force of personality make everyone there willing to follow him into
the bowels of Hell itself, the Gweep would be the point farthest
from that person. He shrunk into the background so well that those
who knew him best believed he did it on purpose, but Ruben had to
admit that you never quite noticed him until he WANTED to be
noticed.
* * * *
Ashley blinked. "Uh, yeah... sure. No problem." He stepped
over piles of discarded magazines, stacks of disks, and small
mountains of electrical components. The Gweep held out a mysterious
device about the size of a calculator that seemed to be nothing
but one little futuristic computer screen and the martial artist,
after a moment of deliberation, placed his hand against it, palm
down.
Ashley flinched away. "Ow!" _That stung!_
"Sorry, electrostatic backlash." The Gweep plugged the device
back into his computer, and his keys clattered. Ashley shrugged and
sat down in a chair next to the computer, turning towards Ruben. "All
right, that's it. I want some answers! Why the hell were you a woman
before, how were you a man just a second ago, and just what is going
on!?"
Before Ruben could reply, Lilah spoke with a grin. "He got
blasted one night and cursed himself to turn into a girl in a botched
attempt to win a stupid bet."
The magician glared. "That's not how it happened!"
Lilah gave him a sly look. "But it's _basically_ how it
happened, right?"
Ashley shook his head. "A CURSE? You gotta be kidding me.
What are you, a magician?"
Lilah burst out laughing again. The Gweep looked amused.
Even Ruben seemed less irritated. Lilah was the first to speak. "A
magician. I guess you could put it that way, although it would be
like calling a hurricane a spring drizzle."
Ruben shrugged. "You exaggerate, succubus. I'm hardly at the
fullness of my powers yet. Gimme a few decades."
Lilah smiled smugly. "I can smell a man with power, and
you already have more than some sorcerers I've met who've lived for
centuries."
"And I STILL can't banish you back to the fiery pits? What
kind of a loser magician does that make me?"
They both shared a laugh over that while Ashley watched,
his irritation growing. The martial artist raised one hand. "So,
let me get this straight. This," he gestured broadly, "is the
future, and you," he pointed at Ruben, "are a wizard who cursed
himself."
Both of the women nodded cutely, and Ashley slapped his
palms against his thighs. "WHAT THE HELL kind of place is this?
what happened in the last hundred and fifty years that could
POSSIBLY bring back magic, or anything like THIS?!"
Both of the women exchanged glances. Ruben spoke first.
"Well, that's history. Mythology, even! I suppose one of the first
classes we'll sign you up for will be something to do with the
events leading up to World War III and World War III itself..."
Lilah shrugged. "Yeah. I was right in the middle of it, and
I'M not sure I can explain what happened!"
Ashley blinked. "Hooo-kay, I guess I can... er... accept
that for now... but are you sure you can't tell me anything?"
Ruben sighed. "Can I field this one?" Lilah nodded, and
Ruben cracked her knuckles. "Well, it wouldn't be right to say
magic 'came back' in any fashion. Instead, say rather that magic was
here during even the darkest times of the so-called 'Information
Age', when enchantment and the very gods themselves struggled for
precious belief.
"But..." Ruben seemed to struggle for words, then the Gweep
interrupted.
"We don't have time for a history lesson. A few prophecies
came to pass, the world was almost destroyed, now the world is
protected by the benevolent hand of the Goddess Incarnate and all
Her servants." The Gweep turned away from his computer and scowled
at them. "Now, the backdoor I set up in the college that Ashley is
supposed to be from won't last through the night, so could you
PLEASE take him to sign up for classes before my half-hour's hard
work is wasted?"
Ruben grinned and stood up. "Fine, fine, fine. I get the
idea. C'mon, Ashley, I'll take you to the Admin building."
Ashley stood up himself. "You still haven't sold me on this
idea of enrolling into this university. What's the point?"
Ruben sighed and held one hand out. "Because we have to
keep you close, just in case Devan finishes the machine early.
Besides, do you really WANT to go out into the world and find a
real job?"
Without another word, Ruben walked out the door, and after
standing there for another moment, Ashley followed.
Lilah scratched her chin as the door swung shut after them.
"I wonder what he REALLY wants that poor guy for?"
* * * *
The mysterious shadow watched...
The mysterious shadow waited...
The mysterious shadow...
Sighed in exasperation. "Thanks to that stupid prophecy,
I missed today's episode of Modern Ninja Living! I can't believe
it... today's episode was about poisoned caltrops, too." He
smashed one fist into his palm.
"I guess I'll just have to go to my friend's house and see
if he recorded it. Awh well, the prophecy doesn't say that I fight
Ashley until tomorrow anyway." He leapt for the nearest rooftop,
nearly colliding with several other people bounding from rooftop
to rooftop. He sighed in resignation.
"There are just WAY too many ninja around these days."
* * * *
Ashley touched Ruben's shoulder as they stepped out of the
dorm. "Hey, Ruben, what does she see in a guy like him anyway?"
She looked confused for a moment, then smiled. "Who, Lilah
and the Gweep?"
"Yeah."
She held up two fingers. "I don't know for sure, but I've
got two theories. One: After thousands of years of being wanted only
for her body and having sex with men who didn't care about her, the
fact that he likes her more for her mind than for her body really
turns her on."
Ashley smiled. "And the second?"
"That he has a really, really large-"
"Join the Marching Band?"
Ashley flinched back as a flyer was shoved at his nose by
a hand attached to a floating helmet with a cheerful purple plume.
"C'mon, show some school spirit! Join the Marching Band and
become one of my faithful legion!"
After withdrawing a bit, Ashley saw that his initial
impression of being assaulted by just a helmet was wrong, but not
by much. It was part of a rather... shiny marching band uniform
that assaulted his eyes even as the person hidden under the helmet's
visor assaulted his ears with another demand. "You get a free
marching band uniform, an instrument of your choice, and as many
orders as you can stomach!"
Ruben grabbed the martial artist's arm, pulling him away
from the marching band uniform. "Don't make eye contact. Keep
moving. Don't say a thing..."
"Ruben! I remember you! You were the one that defeated my
Piccolo section's ritual spell in March!" She swept her baton out
and pointed it at her face. "I will HAVE MY REVENGE UPON YOU!!"
Ruben brushed it away. "Yeah, yeah, yeah... Excuse me,
Drum Major, but I have important business elsewhere."
Another man in a marching band uniform rushed up and put
one hand on the french horn that rested at his side. He was...
massive, gargantuan, barbarian, really really big, whatever words
you wanted to use to describe the way that he strained his uniform
at every seam. "Excuze me, Mistress. We cannot defeat him here, vait
until ve have our legions again."
The Drum Major whined for a moment, then she straightened
up. "Very well, I shall heed your advice for now. But when I have
my legions again... you shall be defeated!! AheeheHEheheeheeHEE!!!"
Ashley blinked and watched the two move away quickly. "Okay,
that was... strange."
Ruben laughed. "Get used to it, Ashley. This sort of thing
happens ALL the time." She swept one hand out. "This way, if you
please."
* * * *
Wiley had just finished cleaning up the last of the broken
bot bits when his computer spoke. "Mr. Wiley, there's a sub-ether
visual communication coming in for you from your grandfather."
He grinned and moved towards the computer. "Excellent! Put
it on the main screen."
Just as Wiley sat down in his chair, the balding face of his
grandfather appeared. Without preamble, he asked, "So, Devan, how
did your experiment with time travel go?"
Wiley shrugged. "A success, of course! I dragged some poor
native from two hundred years in the past to the present as an
unexpected side effect, and the machine blew up before I could send
him back, but..."
Both of them chorused. "When you slap a new machine
together, sometimes it spits out a gear!" They shared a laugh, and
Grandfather Wiley wiped a tear away from his eye.
"Ah... good times, good times. Heard any good ones lately?"
The younger Wiley leaned back in his chair. "Actually, yes.
Just last year, a fellow student got his doctorate with an amusing
little paper entitled 'Theories of Convergent and Divergent
Evolution From a Galactic Primogenitor Race.'
"His theory was that there was some," Wiley used finger
quotes, "'First Race' that spread all over the galaxy, and then all
the colonies somehow lost contact with each other, growing apart,
and that's why so many races across the galaxy are physiologically
similar to the indigenous intelligent species on this planet, what
was their word for themselves..." He frowned for a moment. "Ah.
'Humans.' Quaint notion, eh?"
Grandfather Wiley shook one finger. "Now remember, boy,
you CAN'T tell them the truth. The main directive of an elder race
in dealing with a younger race is-"
"Yeah, Gramps, I know. 'Don't tell 'em what they ain't ready
to handle.' I wouldn't dare anyway. Do you realize that the natives
on this world actually die of natural causes? Barbaric!"
Grandfather Wiley shrugged resignedly. "Yes, but that school
is obscure enough that no one will know exactly what you've learned
there. That's an edge in the local circles, you know? I know the
Dean through a mutual friend, and he seems like a fellow soul,
willing to go the extra mile to ensure that his students get a real
education they can use in life!"
An explosion echoed from over the speakers, and the younger
Wiley grimaced. "Grandfather, haven't you defeated the Blue Bungler
YET?! Fer cryin' out loud, it isn't like that contraption is
designed very well. One sharp pointy object and it goes KABLAM!"
Grnadfather Wiley looked embarrassed as he reached off-
screen. "Yes, well, I still haven't won the bet, but then, neither
has Light, so it goes on until one of us loses." He shrugged again.
"And to be honest, I'll miss the contest when it's over. It's a good
way to pass the centuries, you know?"
The screen went blank, and Wiley stared at it a moment
before standing up. "I miss my homeworld, but... Grandfather is
right. No one is going to cringe in fear at the name of the Mad
MISTER Wiley. I need a doctorate before I can return home..." He
grinned and waved to his Cleaner-Bots, who were waiting patiently
for him. "Besides, it's fun here! College IS the place to par-tay,
and I'll kind of miss it when it's over too."
* * * *
Ashley knew how signing up for classes was supposed to go.
The three-mile line which only the strong survived, the pleading,
groveling, sniveling, whining, and begging that you had to do to
get even a tenth of the classes you wanted or needed, and finally
recieving your actual class schedule, which if you were lucky
resembled in some vague way the one you'd pleaded, groveled,
sniveled, whined, and begged for.
So far, he'd quite surprised and pleased at the newfangled
way that no sniveling at all was involved.
The middle-aged woman looked over her glasses at Ashley.
"So, Mr. Raine, you're transferring from Moreno College?"
"Well, yeah..." Ashley frowned. _I supppose. Did that Gweep
guy even mention a college name?_
'Well, that could raise some difficulties."
"R-really? What kind of difficulties?" Ashley tried to keep
his cool, but his heartrate suddenly jumped. _It's probably
nothing,_ he tried to reassure himself, but there was something
about her expression that made him nervous.
"Well, like the fact that you can't be from there because
I worked there less than two months ago. In fact," she hit another
key, "according to this, I taught a class that you took a semester
ago."
"D'wah?" Ashley's eyes opened wider and wider as she
kept speaking. "I... oh..." _Dammit! My cover is sooo blown! What
the hell am I gonna do now?_
The woman in grey watched this thought pass visibly over
Ashley's face and chuckled briefly. "Don't worry about it. It's just
a minor screwup in an otherwise perfect ID job. The one thing
computers still can't cover is the human factor. I admire an artist
like that one too much," she waved one hand at the computer screen,
"to mess up a beautiful job like this."
Ashley was surprised a second time by the woman's casual
attitude to massive computer fraud. "You don't care about my ID
being fake?"
"Goddess, no!" The woman seemed shocked. "The campus policy
is to accept any student, no matter what circumstances come up, as
long as they can pay tuition and handle the classes they sign up
for. And your credit balance," she tapped idly on a few keys before
smiling at the result, "is more than adequate."
"What about criminals?"
The woman smiled broadly. "We have enough white magicians,
superheroes-in-training, martial artists, and valiant mecha pilots
that any criminal attending knows that plying his trade on campus
would be suicide and grounds for immediate expulsion. Besides, even
if one or a half-dozen pops up, it gives all the prospective heroes
a chance to practice their future trade."
After a short pause, she added fearfully, "Besides, I rather
suspect the Dean instigates some incidents just to keep things
lively."
"Uh... okay." _The Dean? What's with that terror-filled
look? Is he some kind of villian?_ Ashley rolled his eyes. _Wouldn't
surprise me one bit in a place like this._
She smiled and leaned away again. "Now, do you have any idea
what your major will be, or will you be choosing one in another
semester?"
Ashley shrugged. "Can I get a list? I mean, I really wasn't
expecting to come to this school..." _Understatement of the day, ye
have been spoken._
She pointed to a booklet on the desk, and Ashley flipped
it into his hands and started leafing through it. The woman turned
back to her computer and worked while he read through the first
few pages. He came to the list of majors and...
"Martial Arts? World Domination? God? Sailor Senshi?
Iron Chef? ArbyFish Herding? What kind of majors are these?"
The woman smiled again. "We try to offer... unique majors,
suited to extraordinary abilities that other schools might refuse
to teach because of the likely amount of property damage."
Ashley blinked. "Uh... then I'd like a main course of
Martial Arts Master with a side dish of Cinematography, hold the
World Domination."
She laughed. "That's what I like, a sense of humor! Well,
here's a possible course list..."
Over the next fifteen minutes, Ashley chose courses from
a list that nearly croggled his mind. Finally, deciding that he
didn't want to take too much because he was hoping to leave soon,
he only picked a few choice items, one of which he held high hopes
for. _C'mon, Late 20th Century Sports History 101. Lead me to
bettin' victory..._
He almost trampled Ruben, who was waiting outside the door.
She looked up at him, frowning. "What was that for?"
Ashley sighed. "I didn't take too many classes, but..."
"But what?"
"I don't want to enjoy myself here while my family and
friends are worried sick about me at home. It just wouldn't be
right."
Ruben waggled one finger in Ashley's face. "You're just not
thinking fourth-dimensionally! You have all the time in the world,
from THIS end. We can send you back any time you want to go, right
back to the moment you left. Why not enjoy yourself? You'll get a
glimpse of what's to come. The only problem is that when you go
back, you'll NEVER be able to tell anyone what goes on."
She scratched the back of her head, toying with her pony-
tail idly. "I suppose I can put some sort of hex on you that would
you not blab. Getting locked up for insanity wouldn't be a very
pleasant end to an adventure like this, y'know?" Ruben patted
Ashley's shoulder.
Ashley shrugged. "Well, maybe. Let me think about it. I'm
not exactly... comfortable with the thought of spells and stuff
being cast on me."
"I can understand that." Ruben grinned at him. "Ready for
the grand campus tour?"
"That'd be great!"
Ruben held out one open hand. "Three ninety-five, please."
"Wha?"
"The traditional price for tours? Oh, never mind." She waved
her open hand dismissively. "Let's go."
They exited the main administration building, and Ashley
looked up at it. _I was too busy watching for marching band freaks
to give this building a good look before..._
It looked like a Gothic castle had mated with a haunted
manor house and given birth to a towering complex designed for the
sole purpose of intimidating whomever had to enter it. Gargoyles and
stone griffons perched on every available surface, peering in every
possible direction as though guarding the administration from any
possible threat. Ashley thought he saw crows and other, darker
things circling the top of the building, cawing throatily.
Ruben noticed where the martial artist's attention was, and
turned to look at the Admin building himself. "It is rather...
impressive, isn't it?" With a broad gesture, she indicated the vast
expanse of open lawn in front of the Admin Building. Paths made out
of some stone that glittered in the late afternoon sunlight cut
through the lawn, forming geometric designs in the green grass. The
biggest buildings on the campus surrounded it in a circle, and
Ashley remembered that the other buildings formed bigger circles
that spread out farther and farther, until at the very fringes where
the dorms blended into the regular city streets.
Interrupting Ashley's mental map-drawing, Ruben said,
"This is the quad. Reality is just a liittle flexible here." She
made a pinching motion between two fingers, and Ashley tilted one
head to the side.
"How so?"
Ruben stepped out onto the lawn. "I wouldn't mind having a
tree to sit against and shade me from this hot sun." To Ashley's
amazement, a tree appeared. At first, it shimmered as though it were
just a mirage half-glimpsed in the distance, then it solidified, its
leaves and trunk filling with color as though some unseen hand
were pouring into a tree-shaped mold. Ruben leaned against it and
sighed. "That's the stuff. But I think it's a little silly to have
a big ol' tree in this open lawn."
The tree disappeared, and Ashley gaped. After a moment, he
exclaimed, "That's cool!"
Ruben shrugged. "If you're an official student or ex-student,
you can bend reality a little on the quad. Most people couldn't
actually make the tree appear, but they'd have something to lean
against and shade _would_ cover them."
Ashley stepped out on the quad. "I wish I had an apple tree.
Man, am I hungry!"
Something hit him sharply on the head, and Ashley put one
hand out to catch a bright red apple as it bounced from his noggin.
"Ow!" Ruben covered her mouth with one slim hand and giggled.
"Well, it looks like you've got some unseen abilities.
Anyway, if you're hungry, we can get something to eat in the campus
mall."
Ashley lifted one eyebrow as he rubbed the bump on his head
with his free hand. "The campus has a mall?"
"Well, not really. It's just the bookstore, a food court,
and some other stores, but we call it a mall anyway. Now, to
continue the tour..." Ruben moved on, and Ashley followed her.
When they'd walked perhaps fifty feet from the Admin Tower,
Ruben pointed at the building nearest them. It was an innocuous
building, made of some anonymous brown stone. The only thing that
belied the innocent image was the greenish-purple smoke roiling from
one of the windows, sending a plume high into the clear blue sky.
"That's the Extreme Science Building, also known as The Mad's Lab.
It's where you first entered the campus, but DON'T YOU DARE try to
storm it in order to threaten Devan into sending you back."
Ashley had already taken a half-step towards the building,
but as Ruben spoke, he turned around. "Why is that?"
Ruben was already continuing along the path as she spoke.
"Well, aside from the fact that he's already working on it? The mads
have some of the _strangest_ things defending their labs. I remember
one time..." She shuddered and trailed off, seeming lost in memory.
"One time?" Ashley prompted.
As if speaking to herself, Ruben mused, "Who knew that
movies that awful actually existed? Surely, they were developed only
as acts of terrorism..."
Ruben gestured at the next building in line, which was a
tower the color of well-polished ivory. It was maybe twelve stories
tall and had a elegant, fae grace as it swept into the sky, forming
a shining counterpoint to the darkness of the Admin Tower. Ashley
found it calming just to look at; a peace seemed to flow from it
that seeped into his bones. "That's the Ivory Tower, where all of
the Thaumaturgy classes are held. It's not a bad place to hang out,
if you can sling spells. If not, you'd best stay away from it."
Ashley shrugged. "Eh, I guess that I should stay away from
it then. Far, far away." He tried to bite into the apple that he'd
forgotten about for a moment, only to find that it had softly and
silently vanished away.
Ruben giggled again. "C'mon, hurry up! We don't have all
day for you to stand there and look stupid!" She grabbed his hand
and started tugging the martial artist along.
* * * *
Ashley was sitting at a table in the food court, snacking
on what was, for him, a modest meal, while Ruben looked over his
class list.
"Ashley, are you SURE that these classes are such a good
idea?"
"Mmph? Glorp scarf snap..."
"...Never mind." Ruben toyed with one strand of her hair
absently and ran a finger down the list. _I'll just get the Gweep
to do some... switching. I mean, 20th Century Sports History? I
can understand WHY he'd want to do it, but using time travel for
that sort of thing only leads to trouble._ She sighed sadly and
turned the plain golden band that adorned her finger around twice.
_Big trouble..._
"Yo, Ruben. Is there any way I could borrow some money from
you to buy some new threads?"
Ruben jumped slightly as she looked up at the martial
artist. "Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. But instead of buying just threads,
why not buy the whole outfit? Factories make clothes these days;
you don't have to sew them yourself..."
Ashley frowned. "Um, it was just a figure of speech. It's
not like I'm from the friggin' Dark Ages, fer cryin out loud..."
Ruben laughed again, throwing her head back. "I was just
kidding! Don't take me so seriously, you're apt to hurt yourself."
The martial artist gave a sigh of exaggerated long-
suffering, shaking his head. "I'm just not sure HOW seriously to
take ANYTHING here. I mean, we didn't _have_ majors like martial
arts mastery or world domination in my time." He grinned. "Now I
sound like some kind of old man."
Ashley hunched over and put his lips over his teeth, and
said with a passable impersonation of a weezy geezer, "In my daysh
we didn't need fanshy majorsh to teach ush how to take over the
world. If we wanted to shtand ashtride the planet like a coloshush
and crush everyone under our shandaled feet, we jusht hired shome
thugs and did it the _hard_ way!" He clucked his tongue sadly. "Oh
my yesh oh my."
Ashley stopped, for which Ruben was extremely grateful, as
she was in grave danger of killing herself with laughter. In between
desperate gasps for breath and further bursts of hilarity, she
managed to say, "You sound... just like... Great-Grandpa..."
The martial artist waited patiently for her to get done,
then he asked, "So, how the heck can we get to the mall? I REALLY
don't relish the thought of spending the night in these borrowed
clothes." He picked at his shirt. "I mean, what kind of person would
wear something this big? A giant?"
"No, an ogre." Ruben winked at the momentarily confused
man as she stood up, sliding her chair back. "Now, I know just the
way to get us to the mall fast. Hope you don't get airsick..."
* * * *
The psychic broke free of her meditative trance, shuddering
at the glimpses that the future had offered her. "Darkness... like,
totally supremely wickedly gloomy stuff!"
As she put one hand out to rise from her cross-legged
position on the floor, it unexpectedly met with soft fur. She
flinched back for a moment, then touched it again, her hand closing
around the offending object and bringing it closer to her face.
"Like, what an awesome cute plushie!" She looked up and
frowned, one of her eyes opening slightly. "But, how did it get
here? That is sooo weird..."
* * * *
"You call this a mall?" Ashley stopped and looked dubiously
at the less-than-impressive building that Ruben had brought him to.
"Eh, it's an alright mall." Ruben looked over her shoulder
and stuck out her tongue for just a second, a playful expression on
her face. "Nothing like the Crystal Palace mall or Kethares out in
space but it does okay for itself."
Ashley kept frowning as he shaded his eyes with one hand,
scanning the area dramatically. "But how can you have a mall with
only two measly stories? Or one that takes up less than a mile in
parking spaces? Though I will admit," he added, "some of the
vehicles in the parking spaces are pretty damn impressive. A couple
of flying saucers, a robotic bird thingie, a gaggle of giant robots,
and... is that a flaming chariot pulled by ten steeds of fire over
there?" The martial artist pointed, and Ruben groaned as she
followed his finger.
"Gods. I HATE gods." Ruben shook her head and giggled
again, covering her mouth with her hand as her shoulders shook,
and Ashley could only stare at her. _She's... adorable. I know
what she really is; I mean, I watched her change right in front
of me! But she's... she's..._
"Ashley? Ashley! ASHLEY!!"
"Gah!"
Ashley jumped, startled, as he suddenly realized that
while he'd been staring at Ruben, she'd walked right up to him and
Ruben was now staring him right in the eyes, a concerned look on
her face. "Are you all right, Ashley?" She reached up on tip-toes
and placed one hand on his forehead, brushing her breasts
accidentally along his body and...
The martial artist flinched away, moving like lightning
away from the wizard. "I'mfinereallyjustfine!" He looked down at
his hands and shuddered, closing one fist. _He's a MAN, dammit!
Ruben-is-a-MAN! There's no reason to get affected by her. Her
body is just some kind of magical curse. Her red lips... her
beautiful eyes... her soft b-b-breasts..._
Ashley noticed a sudden stinging sensation in his cheek
and he put one hand up to it. Ruben looked up at him, her hand
still out to one side, and said apologetically, "I'm sorry, but
it seemed like you were in some sort of trance. Probably a
delayed reaction to the method that you were dragged to this
time... I think that it might be best to avoid too much stimulus
for now; let's go back to the campus."
Ashley held out one hand before she could make a move.
"No, no, no, I'm fine! Really!"
Ruben tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. "Are you
_sure_?"
The martial artist nodded mutely, afraid to trust his
suddenly tied tongue. At his nod, the magician... bounced. She
leapt into the air, her hands waving cutely, a broad smile on
her face. "Yay!"
Ruben slapped herself once she landed, though, with
a very angry frown on her face. "Dammit! Stupid morphological
field."
"Geh?" Ashley shook his head rapidly to clear the after-
image of her bounce from his eyes, though he was half-afraid
and half-hopeful that it would stay with him for a long, long
time. _She's a man!_ "Er, I mean, morphological field?"
"Yeah." Ruben sighed and turned away, walking towards
the mall entrance. "Just like how a container shapes the water
poured into it, a body shapes the... consciousness poured into
it. A person who changes into, say, a cute black piglet reacts
just like one, even though he knows that he isn't a pig at all.
"And I just happened to be shaped like a cute girl." She
muttered angrily, "Stupid curse what the hell was I thinking I'm
never ever drinking that much again stupid alcohol and stupid peer
pressure..." Her muttering petered off into a surly murmur too
low for Ashley to hear, but he didn't really need or want to. He
slapped her shoulder lightly and pointed towards the mall.
"Well, are you going to just stand around grumbling or
are you going to take me shopping?"
The magician looked rebellious for a moment, her lower
lip sticking out, and then she brightened a bit. "Awh well,
no help for it now. Might as well cure the blues with a few
new books!" Ruben started for the mall with a determined look,
just in time to miss Ashley slap himself on the same spot he'd
just been slapped a moment before.
_Ruben is a MAN!_
A nagging little voice answered his internal shout. _Yes,
SHE may be, but do you WANT to believe that she is? Why else would
you be reacting like this to HER?_ As it faded into silence, the
voice added, _You're such an idiot when it comes to women..._
* * * *
"I can't believe you don't like kung fu movies."
Ashley looked away from the Keystone Kops poster he was
carefully placing on his own side of the room and rolled his
eyes. "You've said that some fifteen times since we walked out of
the poster store. Give it up already, will ya?"
Ruben glared, but her mouth twitched as she fought the
urge to smile. _I dunno what it is, but something about him just
makes me want to laugh more than I have in the last two years._
"It's just shock, okay? I didn't think there was a civilized
being alive that couldn't enjoy a good kung fu movie."
He cocked one finger and pointed it at Ruben, making a
shooting sound. "Bingo! The key word there is 'good'." The martial
artist turned back to his poster, moving away from it to check on
how evenly it was hung. "I have yet to see a kung fu movie that
wasn't acted badly and directed worse, despite the hordes of
friends droolingly devoted to trying to puzzle out the terrible
subtitles and inconsistent translation."
"But... but..." Ruben stumbled for words for a moment,
trying to remember some of the classic kung fu actors. "Surely you
don't think that Bruce Lee was a bad actor? Or Jackie Chan? Or
Akane Saotome? Or..."
He shrugged and cut her off. "Never heard of any of them."
Now, Ruben was literally left speechless, for several
reasons. "Spirits! I don't believe it."
Ashley leapt off his bed and reached for the next poster,
unrolling it and holding it up. "Believe. The truth is out there."
He grinned and held it out to Ruben, pointing at the flying saucer.
"I love cheesy alien invasion stories; at least they don't take
themselves too seriously." He turned it around and looked at it
again, a frown on his face. "But what are these x-files? The guy
_said_ that it was around my time, but I don't remember seeing
anything about it. Could it have been some government coverup?"
Ruben shook her head slowly, skeptically. "I almost feel
insulted. I mean, Akane Saotome was a close friend..." She cut
herself off suddenly, but not suddenly enough. Ashley turned away
from the poster again, and this time his frown was real.
"What do you mean, close friend?"
She chuckled nervously. "Just a figure of speech. I feel
like she's almost my sister; that's how much I like her movies.
Spirits, didn't I tell you not to take me too seriously!" _Whew.
I hope he doesn't ask me any more about..._
As the martial artist turned back to moving in, Ruben let
herself finish the thought. _Yes, I'm sure he'd react pretty badly
if he found out that I might be able to send him back any time I
want to..._
* * * *
The mysterious shadow watched...
The mysterious shadow waited...
The mysterious shadow...
Smiled.
"Be ready for me on the morrow, Ashley. I shall come for
you then."
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Dear SPIRITS ABOVE I hope I never have to rewrite this again.
Actually, this is the first time I've had to rewrite it, though I
never would have thought of doing it if one of my good friends
hadn't disemboweled the first version so handily. >,<
Thanx a lot, Ben. No, really, I mean it! If it hadn't've been for
you, this story would be a lot worse. Also, props go out to the
rest of fanboy's fangirls; Fan, Jamie, Rena, and the three different
people who emailed me about this story while I was rewriting this
very chapter.
Well, I think it holds up a lot better now; what do you think, sirs?
All of what you just read (aside from the in-jokes) are copyrighted
to me, Aaron Bergman, and I should hope that no one who reads this
would entertain the slightest thought of stealing this anyway.
You might as well become a fan of this story before I become famous; that way you can say, "I knew Aaron before he made the big time!"
:D Just kidding.
Mostly.
Aaron Mikhal Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"The only difference between Genius and
Stupidity is that Genius has limits."
- Albert Einstein
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