Bill Heineman <burger@contrabandent.com> wrote:

Ryoga for Dinner

Takes place sometime late in the Ranma 1/2 timeline at dinnertime.

You probably don't need to tell us this. That it's dinnertime is, I
should hope, going to be obvious as soon as we start reading the story,
and if the time period is important you could establish it by dropping
in a few context references, for example any mention of Akari or
Konatsu.

The Tendo's gathered at the dinner table in anticipation to the meal that

Tendos

Use an apostrophe only to make a possessive ("This is Mr. Tendo's home")
or a contraction ("Mr. Tendo's a great guy"). Never add the apostrophe
when all you want to do is make a plural.

Kasumi smelled the air at the wonderful aroma coming from the kitchen. "Oh
My! Where did you learn to cook like that?"

Don't capitalize "my."

Inside the pot was a stew with vegetables and chunks of meat floating in the
thick broth. Kasumi recognized the smell in an instant. "Pork stew?"

At this point, it was pretty obvious what was happening, and it probably
would've been sooner if I'd paid more attention to the title.

Ranma took a bowl and ladled out a generous helping for himself. "Get it
while it's fresh." He took a big bite out of the boiled pork chop, savoring
the flavor which was unlike the way Ranma normally ate his food.

A bit awkward, and unclear. Do you mean the flavor was unlike the kinds
of food he normally eats, or his mannerisms are unlike his usual ones
when eating? Either way, you may want to reword.

Kasumi went cold as she realized that there was no pork in the refrigerator
and Ranma hadn't left the compound all day. "Oh Ranma-kun, I need to get the
laundry from the clothesline." She quietly stood up and briskly walked
outside. A gagging sound was heard a moment later.

So Kasumi knows the truth about Ryoga's curse? That seems to be the
implication here, but there's no real evidence in the manga that she
does. If she has the idea that this is P-chan but not that it's Ryoga,
I'd expect maybe sadness over the loss of a pet, anxiety over what Akane
is going to do to Ranma when she finds out, but I don't see why she'd be
nauseated. P-chan *is* pork, after all.

Genma and Soun stared at each other wondering what to do. Happosai stood up
in a stance to command his pupils. "It's time to train! Are you with me

"stood up in a stance" is redundant. Suggest you drop the "in a stance"
or otherwise reword.

boys?"

me, boys?"

When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, as with "boys" in the above,
the identification has to be set off from anything else by a comma.

"YES MASTER!" Cried out the two elder martial artists as the trio ran out

"YES, MASTER!" cried

"cried" is explicitly telling you that they said the words, and so it
should not start a new sentence. Also see above.

Akane poured some of the stew into her bowl. She slowly inhaled the wafting
vapors. "It's just like my mom's cooking." She took a bite giving a smile of

bite, giving
(since she, not her bite, is doing the giving)

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and
prevents me serving you a portion of the other white meat.

FYI, pleading and cajoling for feedback doesn't tend to impress people.
The best way to get it is to give it out to others.

Anyhow... some basic problems I had with this. For one thing, it's been
done. Repeatedly. Lara Bartram's "Thy Flesh Consumed" and Keener Barnes'
"Suicide Baste" are two examples that come to mind, both of which were
quite a long time ago, and I'm sure there've been many others. That
something's been done doesn't mean it's not worth doing it again, but
you generally need some sort of fresh spin on it to make it interesting.
Your spamfic seems to rely on the idea itself to shock and/or surprise,
which at least for me it didn't, since it was too familiar and
predictable.

Hope some of this was helpful, and good luck with any future fics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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