----- Original Message -----
From: "allyn yonge" <allynyonge0000@netscape.net>
To: ""Dave Menard"" <menard5078@rogers.com>; ""FFML Posting""
<ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, February 11, 2003 3:52 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Hellsing][xover][fanfic] The League: Gathering

A few ad hoc comments:

1) Purple bordering on ultra-violet prose at the start.

Yes, I know... Whenever I try to get decriptive, things get too flowery. Too
much Brian Lumley, I think. I'm trying to make my prose a little terser, but
I just... can't... do it!!!

2)stylistically it reminds me of AC Doyle's Sherlock Holmes or
a 30's pulp novel. I like that style, but to carry it off you need to add
MORE detail. For example, in describing
the men's club as Edwardian you need physical details, like 'spindle armed

oak

chair"- -

 But more importantly you need sight, sound, texture, etc that
give a _feel_ for the period. Edwardian was a transitional period
and had a mix of styles (Medieval and Georgian, for example) and
the underlying themes were expensive simplicity (VERY expensive)
sunshine and MUCH lighter colours than the preceding Victorian
period.

Little details mean a lot:
EXAMPLE: Port & Cigars are another way to increase the 'feel' for
both locations and character. For instance, Port is traditionally served
in a _clockwise_ manner by the host, so you might have your host
serve it anti-clockwise with a mention that this is an affection or
a signal that there are large troubles in store. Details that add depth to
the characters and story in an unobtrusive manner.

DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS. Many may never make it into
the story, but they are important in helping YOU the author build
believable characters.


Some URL's giving the sort of information I'm talking about:

 http://www.fashion-era.com/the_mood_of_edwardian_society.htm
http://www.cigaraficionado.com/Cigar/Aficionado/faq7.html

3)A "Royal Decree" is not the same as a 'writ". There are problems
with simply having the "RD" simply disavowed. Making it retroactive
is even worse. Kings (and Queens) can't simply disavow a decree. It
weakens their own power. Even if they don't LIKE a decree and it's
consequences somewhere down the line, they can't simply wish it
away without undermining their own authority.  And doing it
retroactively? The entire legal system and all royal authority goes
down the drain if people get the idea that no matter what the law
is today, it can be something else tomorrow.

Question: I've been assuming the decree/writ that gives Helsing their
extralegal powers was issued by Queen Victoria shortly after the events in
Stoker's novel. Would it negatively effect Queen Elizabeth II if she were to
rescind her patronage? (on the order of 100 years+ later?)

 I'm NOT saying you can't
do this in a story or that it hasn't happened in real life (early Japan

didn't

publish laws, on the theory that if the public didn't KNOW what the
law was, they'd be less likely to try to get around it. And it worked to
a degree. People were often afraid to do anything for fear of breaking
a law they didn't know about. It worked, but made for a rather

'conservative'

society by Western standards)

In your story, a fairly easy work-around (keeping within 'standard'

English legal

systems) would be to have the 'Crown' decide that Helsing had violated or

acted

outside the bounds of the RD. (That's how they got William Kidd for

piracy)

For example: "Yes you had a Royal Decree authorizing you to kill Hell

Spawn.

However you weren't using department issue holy water and therefore
everything you did was extra-legal and not covered by the Decree."

That seems a little thin, even for official-ese. I don't know if you've seen
the end of the Hellsing anime, but-
****SPOILER SPACE****







 Basically, a big nasty vampire zombifies an entire division of crack SAS
troops and lays siege to Parliament. Hellsing, acting under their mandate
from the crown, attacks and destroys the ghouls. Elements in the government
and the media hostile to the Hellsing Order (and Dame/Sir Integra in
particular- she's burned a lot of bridges over the course of the series)
manage to get the footage of the attack shown on national TV, portaying the
undead SAS commandoes as loyal government troops (they wear balaclavas, so
there's no way to tell from a distance that they're zombies) and the
Hellsing troopers as insurgents attempting to overthrow the government. Dame
Helsing is arrested for treason on the strength of these accusations.









***SPOILER SPACE ENDS******

Given the givens, the Queen doesn't really have much choice but to disavow
the Hellsing Org. Since the Divine Right of Kings(Queens) more-or-less went
out with the Magna Carta, and the fact that an "error" on the part of a
Hapsburg queen wouldn't necessarily reflect badly on a Windsor, I feel that
PR alone would justify the rescinding of the writ. The mechanics of it
aren't really that important to the story, anyway; what's important is that
Celas is established as having no potential backup from the Hellsing group.

There are a LOT of examples like that on the web or in the library. I'd
look around British/Commonwealth sites for modern examples. Otherwise
Victorian era BE, especially India will give good examples of legal

pettifoggery.

4)VERY good segue with "lady Croft" in the wheel chair.
I'm not too sure about calling her "Lady Croft" as it's too close
in sound to "Laura" and I found it confusing.

What *would* be the feminine version of "Earl" be, then? Earless? (somehow,
I don't think that's right...) My style manual doesn't say...

Glock is NOT a hand cannon. Desert Eagle .50AE, Casul .60
or Barrett .50BMG . . . THOSE are hand cannons.

Feh. A hand-cannon is any large-calibre pistol. It's not a scientific term.

5)An *excellent* paragraph starting with "You'd best
watch that Miss Victoria . . ."Dialogue, Narrative, pacing
all just as they should be. First rate writing.
and the "bloody hell" about being drafted fit perfectly.

Thank you. Could you be more specific? I'd love to be able to duplicate the
quality for the rest of the tale...

Overall: it's uneven. Some really first rate dialogue/narrative

interspersed

with less good stuff. I like the style you've chosen, but to make it work
you're going to have to do a lot more work on bringing things to life.
more back-story may help. Lots of little details to add life
to the world you're building. The *voice* of the story (and the actors)
isn't *quite* right. It all feels just a bit off, in terms of sounding
 like British government officials in a gentleman's club, for example.
Again, it's a matter of adding some subtle detail work, polishing rather
than re-writing.

It's hard to convey, isn't it? My wife and her family have middle-class
London accents, which I've got a fairly good ear for, and a John
Cleese-esque Uxbridge drawl is within my grasp, but mimicking a cockney or
upper-class accent is tricky in print. I'll see what I can do to smooth it
out in the polishing.

I hope this has been helpful. I'll be glad to go into more detail if you
wish.

Very helpful, and I'd be delighted if you could elaborate on a few points
(see above). Thanks!

Dave Menard
"Cthulhu, I Choose You!"
Scribblings and Brain Droppings @
http://members.rogers.com/spghome/index.html



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