VERY short remarks.
Good story over all. some very nice dialogue/narrative smoothly done.
BUT - -
1)don't write large chunks of exposition/description such as :
. . . There was no sense of falling, because the ship's gravity drive gave the finger to conventional physics by not only nullifying the effects of gravity upon an object, but also by allowing said object to generated a gravitational field as strong as it wanted (within reason) and in whatever direction it wished. Of course, that didn't stop momentum from building up as the SDF-1 engaged in a controlled free-fall . . .
You need to establish 'rules' for your universe. The _limits_, advantages, disadvantages, etc.
BUT weave this sort of information into the narrative, NOT in large indigestible chunks. See also:
"Expository lump" in A Glossary of Terms Useful in Critiquing Science Fiction by David
Alexander Smith
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/
You might also look at:
Science in Science Fiction: Making it Work
byJoan Slonczewski
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/
2) " . . .It was only seconds between Hayes cutting off and the rushing
of air being cut off in a huge, jarring rumble that nearly sent the Veritechs to the floor. Artificial gravity cut out and Tenchi felt momentum press down . . ."
Cutting, cut off, cut out . . .
the author's knife must be getting pretty dull about now. ^_*
seriously, go through your manuscript and LOOK for things like this. It
really breaks the flow of the narrative.
Some other useful links:
http://writing.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/clarity.html
http://writing.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/cliche.html
3) A nifty "free demo" from
http://www.x-plane.com/
allows you to build and fly ANY aircraft in the world or any thing
you can imagine including flying ships or dragons. There are
a lot of sites you can download blimps, X-wing fighters, dragons, etc
if you don't feel up to building your own. Weather Maker allows you to simulate thunder, lighting, air pressure, hail, snow, microbursts, etc so you can use it for building your imaginary world OR simulating weather in a place that really exists.
This is a Flight Simulator not a game
and the demo has limited maps of CA, USA and only 6 minutes of
flying time.
The full version has extended world
maps plus Mars maps using NASA data (plus MARS with grav and atmosphere
already simulated) They've also got a "walking fighting robot" sim
add-on for those who like that sort of thing. I haven't looked at that yet,
not having any robots like that in any of my stories. I don't know
if you can use it to 'build' a transforming Veritech, but judging
how complex plane builder already is, I bet you can. OR could
find someone who's already done it. (My 'plane' in a story I'm
writing kept ground looping, so I got a working design off a free site
and modified it to suit the story)
The 'free download' is incredibly useful
if you're doing any sort of 'flying' in a story BUT you need a fairly powerful machine. I'm using a DELL 866MHz with 256 RAM and an 8M graphics
card and that's working pretty well. But more is better
If nothing else, it's useful for keeping the cockpit layout straight while writing.
For example . . .are the Transformation controls from flight to guardian mode on the right side or the left?
IMO if you've got the layout in front of you, it's easier to keep it straight. (And you can have the fun of flying your Veritech through a thunder storm and seeing how it handles)
The story has promise, but it needs a little tweaking.
Hope this has helped a little.
Good luck.
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