----- Original Message -----
From: <tabyk@attbi.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Sunday, January 05, 2003 7:29 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma] Diary of a Mature Child: Prelude
"You want us to WHAT?!?"
And with those words out of my youngest sister's mouth we
all stared at Father, who had by now begun to sweat under our
collective gaze.
KP: Remove the leading 'and'.
After a long moment of silence Nabiki finally asked, "What
were you thinking Father?"
KP: silence, Nabiki
Putting on a pained expression Father looked at us all and
said, "A long time ago, just after Kasumi was born, Saotome Genma
and I made an agreement to unite our two schools of martial arts
by marriage. And now, Saotome Nodoka was hoping to uphold the
honor of her... um... remaining family and keep the agreement."
kp: drop 'all and said," make the comma a period. Too many instances of
unneccesary speech modifiers.
"Now, I know you are all a bit young for such matters, and
I'm not saying you HAVE to do this, I'm just asking you to...
think about it for a while. As... a future possibility."
KP: Hmmm, I'm assuming the girls are the age they started in in cannon. If
not, it should be mentioned before now.
With that Akane jumped to her feet and yelled, "No way!
Forget it! I'm NEVER going to marry that... that... jerk!
That... psychopath!" The sound of her stomping off to her room
was more felt then heard, and the slam of her door was eventually
followed by a sigh from Father.
KP: Have they met the 'jerk' in question yet.
And what shocked me most about this whole thing was simply
the fact that I wasn't surprised. Somehow I knew things were
leading up to something like this. And as I sat on my bed and
thought about it, all those little conversations with Nodoka, all
the simple and innocent questions, suddenly made sense.
KP: Conjunctions shouldn't start sentences, and they aren't needed at the
beginning here.
She had been planning this all along, from the very
beginning.
But why?
And, of course, the answer was plainly obvious.
For Ranma.
KP: I like this
Everything that woman did, was for Ranma. She must be
worried that he might never marry, and was using this agreement
between her husband and our father to ensure her family's
bloodline.
That's so silly though. Ranma should have an easy time
getting married. He's nice, honest, a little simple, but a good
person overall. You just need to watch out for... hmmm.
KP: hmmm?
Four diaries. One started when I was six years old, my
first, given to me as a present from my mother, Kami bless her
memory. The second one I bought a month after she died, because
I had nobody else to talk to while our whole family mourned. The
third on my first day of Junior High two year ago, announcing the
first steps toward my fast approaching adulthood. And I still
write into them, all of them. Usually not more then once or
twice a month, but I still do.
KP: so Kasumi is 18.(approx)
Diary of a Mature Child
Prelude
A long time ago I said I would never write a continuation of
"A Child's Prayer," thus proving that I am as infallible as the
rest of the world. Where I'm going with this even I am not sure,
but I think the journey will be interesting...
This story was not written for profit and all characters of
note are owned by Rumiko Takahashi. Also, any C&C will be gladly
accepted. And once again, thank you CyMage for the proof-reading.
KP: Move this section to the beggining. It also seems that I should "A
Child's Prayer" before this, making it more important to place this last
section at the front, lest people abandon it because they are overly
confused. Decent beginning. I now go to read.
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