The story was great, and the problems were few and far
between. I had some questions and some comments,
though.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

As I sit waiting in the darkness, amid the carnage
and smell of death I
orchestrated, I find my mind drifting back to the
first time I met you. It
was back when Mao Yenrai introduced you as a new
member of the organization,
a young man whom I was to treat like a brother. He
placed before me a gangly
youth wearing a too loose suit 

{too loose suit : suit, too loose}

and a messed up mop
of hair that made it look
as though he had just woken up; an unimpressive
sight if ever there was one.
At a glance, there was nothing to differentiate you
from the standard
buffoon who dressed badly and shot even worse. I'd
seen the kind dozens of
times before, street trash posing as foot soldiers
who worked for the Red
Dragons. They were the rabble who performed the
menial tasks necessary to
every organization, even the legal ones. Such
meaningless fools died often,

{Such meaningless fools died often: They died often}
You had use fools and meaningless heavily later on,
and the sentence was long enough anyway.

and were just as quickly replaced by other equally
stupid buffoons. The
worlds are full of them. That's what allows people
like me to rule as I do.

But then I changed my opinion when I looked into

{But then I changed : I changed } 

your eyes for the first
time. That pair of uncaring brown orbs that saw
everything all at once, that
was what set you apart. There was no fear in them.
Not from a lack of wits
(there are many fools who mistakenly believe they
are invincible), it was
from the knowledge that there was no reason to fear.
All you had was a sort
of cautious regard for everything, acknowledging
that while the potential to
kill you was there, it was meaningless. Your skills
could take you past
whatever problems would arise, and if not, well, it
really wouldn't matter,
would it?

The eyes are mirrors to the soul. I liked yours,
showing me what lay within.
I saw the very same thing in mine every time I
looked in a mirror: the soul
of a beast. One that was in control, but still an
animal all the same. You
were one of the rare beasts, a predator of the most
dangerous kind. I

You use beast twice in close context in this
paragraph.

decided at that moment that I liked you, and you
were the only one I could
say that of. The old man, I had respect for. At
least back then. He was a
beast like us. He still had his fangs. He was still
dangerous, and so I
agreed to work for him, for I was not the beast he
was. Not yet.

Mao had an eye for our type, which was why he chose
us from the rabble that
surrounded him. He knew from the moment he first saw
me that I was the sort
of 'son' he was looking for, since he couldn't have
one of his own. That was
probably why he opened his doors for us; his
inability to produce heirs made
him desire some all the more. He found me heading a
ghetto gang at the age
of fourteen, a group twice as large as all the
others, and with no nearby
competition, since I had destroyed them all. I was
king of the miserable
pile of shit in which I lived. And then he met me,
and my perspective
changed.

Mao took me in and under his wing, refined some of
my raw talent, and taught
me all I needed to know. One thing I will always be
grateful for was his
broadening of my horizons, showing me the world I
could have if I only had
the strength to take it. I would be his eventual
successor, though even then
I knew it would not be enough, that I would take it
all, because I could.

But anything can happen, and even the best can fall
to a stray shot, so Mao
took a second heir. He chose you. I think he liked
you more than me, not
that I cared; I didn't want his affections, just his
place in the hierarchy.
Around the time he took you in, I could tell his
fangs had begun to grow
dull. I sensed weakness in the beast, and it made me
hunger all the more.
Why accept table scraps when you can eat at the
table itself?

I think it would be better if you just stopped with
this, but it works well your way too.

I chose to
bide my time until an opportunity to consume him
came about.

In the interim, I became closer to you. I found
myself understanding why he
liked you. You had a sort of affable charm that won
many over, even
myself -not that I would have hesitated to kill you
if you stood in my way-
but lesser men could be mollified with that cocky,
care-free grin of yours.

Without the side comment, was this sentence supposed
to be, 'You had a sort of affable charm that won many
over, even myself, but lesser men could be mollified
with that cocky care-free grin of yours'?

People, for the most part, liked you, and that was
to your advantage with
the way you approached life. The same could not be
said for me.

In many ways I was your exact opposite, whose very
appearance made people
uneasy. I was lean as well, but my more hawkish
features invoked images of a
bird of prey ready to strike. I encouraged this
perception, even going so
far as to keep one around me at all times in these
last few years. Most
thought it a psychological edge I used to give me an
advantage when dealing
with others. My birds did indeed serve as that, as
well as a fail-safe plan
that I used in finally ascending to the top of the
syndicate. Even my name,
"Vicious" was intended to reinforce that image. Not
that I feared anyone
else, just that scaring off fools and idiots was
less of an annoyance than
dispatching them. None were my match. Oh, there were
those that could be
dangerous, those that represented a challenge,
beasts with sharp fangs as
well, but never as long as mine. Never as deadly as
mine.

A little excessively long. The name is pretty obvious,
so I'd just leave it out. Some other things could be
shortened out as well.

Except yours.

I knew it on some instinctive level from the instant
we met. For the first
time in my life, I had met an equal. Someone that
was just as good as me.
Someone that was just as dangerous as me. You had no
regard 

------- message was truncated -_- -------

for your life.
Not that you were any more fatalistic than me -neither
of us wanted to 
die-
just that you weren't afraid of death. You would risk
anything to come 
out
ahead, to finish a job, to do what you felt needed to
be done. Should 
you be
injured in the process, so be it. Crippled? It
happens. Die? Then that was the way it was. 

I like this. You could even end the paragraph here.

Just so long as you did what you wanted to. You were 
the
most dangerous kind of man there was, one who would
give his life to 
win in
the end. There was those that sensed it, and as much
as you were liked, 
you
were also feared in equal amounts by those that feared
you would become
their enemy.

This could be another paragraph, leaving out the

'Just as long as you did what you wanted to.', which
is not a very strong sentence anyway.

You would think that my perceiving of you as an equal
would be dangerous to
me, 

{me : myself}

that I would see you as a threat that needed to be
eliminated. On 
the contrary, since we were on the same side, it
afforded me a chance to 
finally
team up with someone that I didn't have to carry,
didn't have to look out
for, didn't have to concern myself with should they
fail and I had to pick
up their slack. It was to my advantage, and so I was
content.

There was one other thing I sensed in you that was
reassuring: a lack of the
hunger I had for control. Your fangs were sharp, but
your appetite never
came close to matching mine. Nor did your tastes lie
in that direction. 
What
you wanted was a sense of personal accomplishment
rather than the rule over
others. That suited my purpose. Our desires were
different, so I trusted you
enough to allow you to stand next to me, without
concern of when it might
become necessary to dispose of you for fear that you
would betray me.

It was camaraderie, in a fashion. Perhaps even a
friendship of sorts. Not
that I would have risked my life for you, unless the
potential gains
outweighed the risks, but keeping you near me was very
much in my best
interest. So I went out of my way to make certain you
were still there,
fighting at my side. 

Leave out the 'so I went out...' sentence.

And we were the best. Everyone feared us when we
worked
together. None could stand in our way. Our stars rose
to the top over the

Stars? Cliche!

piles of bodies the organization left in its wake. In
some ways, there was
never a better time in my life than when we outshone
everyone else without
even trying.

{In some ways, there was never a better time in my

life than when we outshone everyone else without even
trying : There was never better time than when we
outshone everyone else without even trying.}

In time, I came to understand that the trio of old men
who ran things were
indeed just that: old. As I continued gaining power
and became more
dangerous, they grew weaker and complacent. I soon
realized it was my
destiny, as the most dangerous beast of all, to kill
them and take what they
had for myself. Once there, I would show every world
in the system what it
meant to be a predator and what they were like as my
prey.

You only ever use the word 'beast'. Change it

sometimes. {I would show....what they were like as my
prey : I would show....what it meant to be a
predator.} Leave out the prey part.

And you, Spike, would help me attain those goals. With
your lack of
ambition, we made the perfect combination. With you at
my side, my rise to
the top would be assured, made in haste, and cemented
for life. It wasn't
like you cared. 

{It wasn't like you cared: You said no.} Then

paragraph break. (I think that's what you're trying to
say, but the sentence is pretty ambiguous, so I can't
tell.)

It wasn't as though you had anything better to do. You

were
content to exist, while I would only be content if I
led. Everything was
perfect.

And then came Julia.

I curse the day she caught my eye. Not that it was
love at first sight; love
is a useless distraction for the simpleminded.

Again with useless. {love...simpleminded : love is

only a distraction.}

No, she was just another form
of prey. Something to slake my hunger in ways only a
woman could, and she
was very useful in the regard. She was very good at...
appeasing me. 
Her
presence was never a burden. She wasn't anywhere near
as brainless as the
majority of women that were around us. She was smart
enough to stay out of
the way when she had to, and had just enough spine and
wit to make her
interesting. She was entertaining enough that I kept
her around as my
'woman,' though I would have discarded her when I grew
bored, like I had all
the others before. It was just taking a little longer
this time.

Ah, but poor, naive, Spike, you didn't see her in such
practical terms, did
you? No, you never did. Something happened to you
after I introduced her to
you. You changed, changed for the worse. Changed so
much I could barely
recognize you after a while. It was a pity I wasn't
aware of it at the time,
or else I would have gotten rid of the woman in an
instant.

Wouldn't you notice if your 'friend' had changed so

much you hardly recognized them?

You were far
more useful in your uncaring state than your lovelorn
one. It's beyond me
how you could change for a mere woman, especially one
you could have had for
your own once I was through with her. I admit, I may
be powerful, but I'm
far from all-knowing.

Humble, ain't he?

This was one of those times when my blindness proved
an inconvenience.

{This was one of those times when my blindness

proved an inconvenience : This time, it was my
blindness that proved the inconvenience.}

God, Spike, you threw it all away for a woman!

I agree. ^_-

I had no idea you were
capable of being that stupid.

How could you have been that stupid?

All you needed to do was wait until I became
bored, then I would have given Julia to you. She was a
form of
entertainment. I had all the emotional attachment to
her that I would a
holoprojector. I didn't actually care about the girl. 

I never really cared about the girl.

I didn't even mind it
when you slept with her behind my back, as long as you
kept it discreet. Had
such trysts become public knowledge, that would have
been different. It
would have made me seem weak, and then I would have
had to take steps to
eradicate such misconceptions.

I think this whole thing could be brought down to 2

sentences. "I didn't mind when you slept with her
behind my back, as long as it was discreet. If it had
become public, I would have looked weak, and so I
would have been forced to eradicate such
misconceptions." Break it down any way you like.

Is that what you feared? That your rendezvous would
become public knowledge
and I would kill the two of you? Or was it just
impatience? Did you hate the
fact that I could have her whenever I wanted? Did you
feel she should have
been your exclusive property because you 'loved' her?
Is that why you did
that last hit, faked your death, and tried to run off
with her?

But it didn't work out the way you hoped, did it? I
knew about the plan. I
was aware of the change in you by now, determined its
cause, and figured out
what you were up to. Running off with the woman you
loved with the mob on
your trail, a life on the run made worthwhile because
you would be together?
Such romantic drivel. If you had truly fallen so far,
so fast, you really
were useless to me. It was time to deal with you the
way all traitors to the
syndicate were dealt with. It was time for you to die.

Mua. Ha. Ha. Ha.

There were two potential ways of doing it. One was to
confront you myself.
There was no one else in the organization that could
kill you anymore than
they could kill me. But direct confrontation with you
held no assurance of
my victory.

Stupid equality.

As I said, you were my equal, and the fight could go
either way.

{and the fight could go : the fight could have}

It was a risk I considered, but then another avenue
presented itself; one
that held minimal danger for me and maximum pain for
you. It was that one I
chose to use.

As you went out on your last job, I confronted Julia
with the truth. I
placed a gun to her head, showing her what was at
stake, and then turned it
away. I told her there was a way out. I told her that
that if she killed
you, she'd be free of me and the Red Dragons. She
could save her life, but
only at the cost of yours. I knew she was the only
person in the galaxy,
other than myself, that could kill you, and even then
it was only because
you would let her.

I would just end here.

All she had to do was keep your rendezvous, raise the
gun, and pull the trigger. Such a simple task to save
one's life, don't you
think? The decision should have been easy.

But she didn't do it, and to be honest, I guessed that
was what would happen
from the start.

Really? Vicious seemed pretty convinced she would in

the previous paragraph.

No, I take it back. It wasn't a guess. A part of me
knew she
wouldn't do it.

Perhaps adding "I just wanted to believe you would

die" or something like that.

Julia might have been practical, but she cared for you
more
than herself, else she would never have risked death
by betraying me and
loving you. She knew what she was doing. As I said,
she wasn't brainless.
So, if she was willing to sacrifice her life for her
happiness, and
sacrifice her happiness for her love, then she would
not kill that love to
save herself. 

A bit wordy.

I might not have cared for Julia, but I knew her well 
enough
to understand that.

But then she surprised me. I had assumed you would
flee together, as you had
planned, leaving the syndicate and forcing us to hunt
you down and kill the
two of you. Instead, she left you behind and ran off
on her own. She
sacrificed her desire to be with you, choosing to
protect you by traveling a
different path and drawing eyes away from you to her.
She allowed you to
pretend you were dead, even though I knew the truth
all along. Our little
Julia certainly had courage. Poor judgment, but
definitely courage. I could
see us fighting over her, had I been capable of love.
So much the better for
me that I am not. Fighting over a woman is clich�,
don't you think?

And so I let you go, despite my anger towards you.
Your departure meant that
my rise to the top would take that much longer, be
that much more
inefficient, be that much bloodier. But as time went
on something happened
to me. There was a nagging sensation in the back of my
mind that wouldn't go
away. For all of your stupidity in the end, for all
that you had changed,
you were still a beast. We were brothers of spirit, if
not of flesh. 
That
realization disturbed me the way nothing else had.
There was only one man in
the galaxy that could stop me and my desires; the man
who was my equal. Who
was to say our paths would not cross again?

Er...you never actually said that Spike left.

Even I could not say who would
emerge victorious should we clash. That knowledge
bothered me the way
nothing ever had before. It was doubt, and I found its
taste a bitter fruit
to swallow. I had to do something about it, or I would
never know peace.

I finally chose to act. I killed Mao, knowing it would
draw you to me. You
had an affection for the old man, the same way he had
one for you. So, with
you coming, I set a trap at the very church where you
had 'died', even as
you completed your last hit. I thought it would add
just the right touch of
symmetry to the end of your life.

Symmetry is a bit strange. Why not Yin for darkness?

The show deals heavily with violence, an interest
traditionally Yang. The opposite, which isn't really
in the show, and really isn't Spike, is Yin, so it
would be a bit ironic if he was killed by it.

Then the bait was made all the sweeter
with the capture of that acquaintance of yours, that
girl with no past. I
knew Valentine wasn't your woman, only Julia would
ever have your heart, 

A bit heavy on the Soap Opera there. Just cut it

short, and say he would go after Valentine because she
was a comrade of his.

but I knew you would come for Valentine all the same.
That was the sort of man
you were, even back when we worked together:
honorable. I didn't mind it,
for it meant I could trust you, and was as much a
strength as a weakness
when it came to you. But now, it would serve as the
final nail in your
coffin.

But things didn't work out the way I planned. You
somehow survived the trap,
though so did I. It was miraculous on both our parts.

Leave out 'It was miraculous on both our parts.' Or

shorten it, but it's kind of repetitive to say on both
our parts and then say one of us should have died.

By all rights, one of
us should have died, one way or the other. It was just
the sort of situation
where it should have happened, but it didn't. We were
both seriously
wounded -how could two ravenous beasts fight and not
be bloodied by such-
but neither were the injuries permanent. I was left to
wonder why such an
impossibility occurred. We both wanted the other dead.
You, for forcing you
apart from Julia and killing the old man. Me, for the
threat you
represented. So what went wrong?

'So what went wrong?' sounds like a lead in to a

newspaper article.

By the second time we encountered one another around
Jupiter, and survived
yet again, I was truly perplexed. Why was it we
entered what should have
been death duels, yet survived? That we were equals
meant events should have
reached a climax, there should have been a winner on
one side or the other.
After long debate, the answer came to me. It was so
shockingly simple, I
laughed the hardest I had since you left.

We both had things to live for. It was as simple as
that. Neither of us
could allow ourselves to die while we had things still
left to accomplish.
For me, it was ascending to the leadership of the
organization.

But he's already there, or something like it.

For you, it was Julia.

That was what she did to you, wasn't it, Spike? That
was how she had changed
you. Suddenly, for the first time in your life, you
had a purpose, something
to live for. You started caring what happened to
yourself because of Julia.
Oh, you might have run from her the way she ran from
you, but she was always
there. She was a ghost haunting your memories and your
dreams, even when you
were awake.

Spike does say something about having a false eye in

one of the last episodes, and that he sees the past in
that eye. You might want to bring that up.

I spent enough time with you to know how your mind
operates,
Spike. I heard of your exploits, and for all that you
had accomplished, I
could read between the lines, and feel her presence
dogging your very
existence. Yes, we both had to live, at least until we
had no thing left
undone.

{until we had no thing left undone : until we both

had nothing left undone}

I stopped interfering with you directly after that,
content to make my bid
for leadership first, although I engineered events so
that our showdown
would occur shortly after my last play for ultimate
control. I was
confident... no, I knew I would win against those old
men, but I wasn't so
certain about you. You were the last thing left to
chance. It had to end,
for my peace of mind.

Mine and yours.

I herded Julia to Mars, to where the new mantle of my
supremacy lay. I
hounded her until she had to face you again, two
wounded people in desperate
need of one another, even if neither realized it yet.
One advantage to being
a disinterested party on the outside is that things
can be far more evident
to my eyes than yours. You each tried to deny what you
needed more than life
itself, and I knew the false walls you built would
collapse when you met
once again.

You found each other in that graveyard, the way you
should have three years
in the past. But this time was different, the two of
you did what you should
have done so long ago. No, she didn't kill you.
Putting the gun to her head
and pulling the trigger would have been less painful
to her. Instead, you
ran off together, united at last in a common cause.
But Julia wasn't like
you, Spike. She wasn't like me. She wasn't
untouchable. She wasn't a beast.

It would be nice to close that, "She wasn't anything

we could understand."

I knew if I sent enough guns in your direction, I
would take her down. Not
you, but her.

And I was right. I knew it the instant I saw the
blood-stained jacket left
at Annie's shop. Julia was dead. It had all come to
the head I desired. You
will tie up your loose ends, and then you will come
for me. Closure is what
you seek now.

So I sit among the handiwork of my takeover, the
cloying scent of spilled
blood still hanging in the air, waiting for the
inevitable. I have achieved
my lifelong goal, Spike.

{I have achieved my lifelong goal, Spike : I have

done it, Spike}

I'm King of the Galaxy. I no longer have any
purpose left to strive for, and now you don't either.
There is no thing left
undone in our lives. There is no reason we have to
live; only to exist.

{only to exist : and only one reason we have to

exist}

So let us meet once more Spike, on as even a
battlefield as there is: I,
weakened by torture at the old men's hands, you,
exhausted from the gauntlet
you must pass to get to me. All of our lives, we've
been equals until this
moment. Now we are beasts unfettered by any
restraints. Let us bear our
fangs and show who the strongest truly is.

Come to me Spike. I'm waiting for you. Come, so I can
kill you and set you
free.

Woah, that was really awesome. I enjoyed it

thoroughly. Well, anyway, have fun with these
corrections.

Shen


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