Dave: Chapter four, and I'm still sane...narf.
James: Are you sure about that?
Dave: No.
Suzi: I skimmed ahead a little. This chapter doesn't look quite as bad
as the first three.
James: Promise? <puts his sick-bucket on the floor>
Suzi: Can't make that kinda promise, Jimmy-boy. Keep that bucket handy.
James: <whimper>
Ranma 1/2
Chapter 4
Well, This Is Another Fine Mess
The next few days were pretty much normal, except for the fact
that Orion gave a small diamond instead of cash. Even Nabiki was
Dave: Is he giving something to the diamond?
James: I think he's giving a diamond to something. I can't tell.
Suzi: Me! Me! I'll take it!
surprised, and everyone was even more surprised when it turned out that the
diamond was worth half of the house.
James: Must be either a cheap house or an extremely big diamond.
Dave: I don't follow you.
James: Diamonds aren't *that* expensive. The Tendou house is rather large,
and would normally cost a small fortune. I figure six digits, easily. It
would take a whopper of a gem to be worth that much.
Dave: Ah. <makes snoring noises>
Suzi: <chuckling> Jimmy, it's a fanfic. It doesn't have to make sense.
James: True.
Nabiki kepted pestering Orion to tell her where he had gotten
it. "Oh, alright. I've boughten some land and it turned out to have
diamonds on it." Orion said.
Suzi: Kepted? Boughten?
Dave: The new Japanese dialect of "Ebonics".
Nabiki wasn't convinced until Orion showed her deeds to about
James: Orion showed Nabiki's deeds?
Dave: No, he showed his deeds to Nabiki.
James: Why didn't the author say so, then?
Dave: <shrugs> Dunno.
Suzi: <singing> Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap...
Dave & James: Shaddap.
James: <as Orion> Nice deeds, baby.
sixteen large plots of land with mineral rights. "Can I help it if I
managed to purchase sixteen pieces of land, each containing the world's
largest supply of a type of jewel?" Orion said innocently.
Suzi: Hang on. If he's not sure how many deeds he's showing her, why is
he certain about just how many parcels of land he owns?
James: It's a very rare writing technique known as "The Author Ain't Sure."
Nabiki's jaw dropped. Orion had a good laugh at her expression.
Suzi: I would too. A jawless girl.. Ick.
Dave: Wouldn't be a lot of fun on a date, would she?
James: I'd think not.
Suzi: <grumbles> Damn perverts.
Things were pretty much peaceful, though it surprised Ranma that he hadn't
gotten splashed by cold water.
Seeing Shana and Orion practice in their 'new room' was rather
Dave: Any idea why "new room" is singled out like that?
Suzi: Not a clue. It shouldn't be, unless there's something really
weird about their room.
Dave: Perhaps it's not a new room at all, perhaps it's actually a
separate subspace pocket that only exists where Orion puts it.
Suzi: ... <looks at Dave oddly>
James: ... <looks at Dave oddly>
Dave: ....What?
James: No more Star Trek marathons for you.
Suzi: Geek. Sheesh!
unusual, especially since neither had shown a battle aura since that
incident with Kuno, though both showed exceptional skill. "Yo, Orion. I
was wondering if you like to spar with me?" Ranma asked as Orion kicked at
Shana.
James: <as gay-Ranma> C'mon, big boy... Show me whatcha' got.
Dave: <as gay-Orion> You got it, Tiger. Grr..
Suzi: <staring at them> You guys do animated gay porn voice-overs, don't
you?
Orion looked at Ranma, just before Shana planted a kick to his
face. Orion flew back. "I don't know if that's wise, Orion." Shana and
Akane warned in unison.
James: Interesting.. Shallow two-dimensional characters in stereo.
Suzi: Neato!
"Yeah, Ranma could get hurt." Shana continued. Akane looked at
Shana as if she was crazy.
All: HURT HIM! HURT HIM NOW!
"Don't try to hurt Orion, Ranma." Akane told Ranma.
All: HURT HIM! HURT HIM NOW!
Dave: Wow, deja-vu.
The two combatants stood at opposite corners of the practice
hall. Ranma took up a fighting stance, while Orion stood with his hands at
his sides.
Dave: Stop detailing every little thing, for Pete's sake.
Suzi: Yeah, I dumped Pete months ago.
"Begin!" Shana yelled.
Suzi: Once upon a time..
Dave: Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away..
James: <unscrews the cap on a cold bottle of vodka and takes a swig> You
begin your way, I'll begin mine.
Dave: <looks at the bottle> You gonna share that?
James: No. Get your own. This is *my* way out of this fanfic.
Suzi: Not really, Jimmy. That's just soda water.
James: <looks at the bottle>
Suzi: If I have to suffer through this, so do you.
Dave: Damn... You're a cruel woman, Suze.
Suzi: Not really. Consider this payback for that last birthday present
you gave me.
James: <grumbles> How long am I going to have to apologize for that?
Suzi: I'll let you know. <smirk>
Dave: Can we get back to the fanfic?
Suzi: If we must.
Ranma raced at Orion. Suddenly Orion spilt into six different
images. Ranma skidded to a stop. Cologne had done this before(See Ranma
1/2 Chestnuts roasting on an open fire). Except each image
Suzi: Well, gee. Thanks for pointing that out. I never would have
remembered, even in it WEREN'T completely irrelevant.
Dave & James: <slowly moving away from Suzi>
started attacking separately. Ranma felt a kick to his back, a punch to
his stomach, and sweep to his legs all in a matter of seconds. Orion's
fake images disappeared.
Dave: Now make the original vanish, too!
James: Is it just me, or would "a matter of seconds" be a long time when
compared to the pace of Ranma's usual fights?
Dave: You may be right, his bouts usually move faster than Genma through a
buffet. Ranma must be standing still.
"I'm sorry. I so used to having Shana being able to see through
the fake images or at least guessing." Orion said. "That's okay. Ranma
heals fast." Akane told Orion.
James: Dialogue Error Alert.
Dave: Huh?
James: Two characters with dialogue in the same paragraph.
Dave: Uh.. okay. What's so bad about that?
James: When a different character speaks, you almost always have to start a
new paragraph. Read that last one again and tell me who's speaking.
Dave: <pausing> Orion.
James: <shakes his head> The last part is Akane.
Dave: <re-rereads> Oh yeah... I get it now.
Suzi: Not today, you don't.
Dave: <looks at Suzi> Well, what about earlier in the pool--MMRPH!
Suzi: <slaps hand over Dave's mouth> Eh, heh heh... He's kidding.
Orion walked back to Shana. "I'm glad I held back. Who knows
what I could have done if I had gone full out." Orion whispered to
Shana. Shana agreed.
Suzi: Full out, huh?
Dave: I knew he was gay!
Suddenly, they heard Akane yell "Ranma! You're such a jerk!",
quickly followed by a splash.
James: Hmm.. If I were to peel back this paragraph, I'd probably find a
generic author instruction behind it. You know, a sort of stage-direction
for the author to help him write his fanfic?
Dave: Which instruction?
James: [Insert Standard Overused Segue Here]
Suzi: I see what you mean...
Orion and Shana turned back to see Akane growling and Ranma-chan
yelling insults at Akane. Shana burst into tears and hugged Orion.
Suzi: This proves my point.
Dave: You have a point?
Suzi: Yes. That this fic could drive anyone to tears. Even the cast.
"Ranma? Did you by any chance go to Juesenkyo?" Orion asked.
Suzi: Good guess, nimrod.
Dave: <as Orion> For my next trick, I'll pull a rabbit out of my hat!
Suzi: It would be better if he could pull a plot out of his ass...
Dave & James: ...
"You know about Juesenkyo? Are you cursed too?" Ranma asked.
James: <as Orion> I'm in this fanfic, aren't I? Isn't that curse enough?
Dave: <as Jusenkyou Guide> Ah, Customer fall in spring of
Bozoniichuan: Cursed Spring of Lame-Ass Loser. Is very funny story of
loser who fall in spring. World better off without him.
Suzi: That's not a curse, Dave. That's his real self.
James: <blinks><looks at Dave oddly> Bozoniichuan?
Dave: <shrugs unconcernedly> All I could come up with besides Hoserniichuan.
"No. But I think it's time to explain our situation." Orion answered.
Suzi: <as Orion> We're really secret agents sent from the future by the
American CIA to make sure that sushi doesn't eventually become the
snack-food of choice for refugee Albanian lesbians fleeing oppression by
the Carribean Pirates of the Nile. We MUST stamp out sushi! <stamps
foot> [SQUILCH]
James: ...
Dave: And she said that all in one breath, too.
Suzi: <almost whimpering> Just what went [SQUILCH]?
Dave: <look to the floor> Your foot.
Suzi: <whimpering> Why?
Dave: It's in James' bucket.
Suzi: <turning green> That's what I was afraid of. Excuse me. <bolts
from the room>
James: Well, that was amusing. Disgusting, but amusing.
Dave: You wanna wait for her?
James: Depends on what's up next.
(Author's note:Yep. Another commercial.)
James: <nods> We'd better wait for her. <pauses the fanfic> She wouldn't
want to miss this.
Suzi: <comes back, having changed clothing and taken a quick shower> I
feel cleaner now.
Dave: That won't last. We've hit another commercial.
(We see Akane tearing apart the kitchen. Ranma enters.)
"Whoa. Akane, what's going on? You planning to cook?" Ranma asks.
Suzi: <as Akane> I can't find my Midol!
Dave: <as Ranma> That's nothing new.
Suzi: <as Akane> What's *that* supposed to mean?!
Dave: <as Ranma> Just that you're always bitchy, and irritable, and
bloated, and cranky, and bitchy, and-
James: You said that twice, Dave.
Dave: <as Ranma> I thought it was worth pointing out again.
(Akane ignores him and continues to search.)
"No. We're out of Corn Pops." Akane answers
Suzi: I never liked that cereal.
James: Why not?
Suzi: It sounds like something you'd put on your feet. "My feet are
killing me, I need some Corn Pops."
Dave: Eww...
"We're out of Corn Pops? Cool down." Ranma thinks.
Dave: Huh? Cool down?
"Well, maybe Kasumi is getting some." Ranma says.
All: !!!
Dave: YES!!! The lemon scene!!!
Suzi: Ooo...
"Kasumi's still asleep." Akane retorts.
All: ...
James: There goes that idea.
Suzi: Shit.
"Oh, no. Why do I have to be cool at a time like this? I want my
Pops!" Ranma thinks.
Dave: Because there's a first time for everything.
Suzi: He want's his Genma? Ick.
James: Sure, why not? I want his Pops too.
Suzi & Dave: You do?!
James: Yeah! Roasting slowly, with a nice honey glaze.
"Found some." Akane says with glee.
"You are so immature." Ranma says taking the box out of Akane's hands.
Dave: <as Akane> Am not am not am not! You big meanie!
(We see Ranma and Akane happily eating Corn Pops.)
Suzi: Ick. I keep thinking they're eating that foot product I mentioned.
"I gotta have my Pops" Ranma VO.
James: <as Ranma> I gotta have my Pops... arrested.
Dave: <as Ranma> I gotta have my Pops... assassinated.
Suzi: <as Ranma> I gotta have my Pops... skinned.
Dave: Oooh, brutal.
(Standard disclaimer.)
(Author's note:Corn Pops are not addictive. I should know. I've
tried them.)
James: And that YOU, my good fellow, for that mind-warping bit of tripe.
Dave: What's the point of all these commercials?
James: To distract us from how truly BAD this fanfic is.
Suzi: It isn't working...
(End of commercial.)
Dave: Why can't it say (End of suffering.)
James: That would violate the laws of fanfic justice.
Much, much later after gathering Ryoga, Mousse, Shampoo, Colonge,
Ukyou, and the rest of the Tendo and Saotome families, Orion began telling
their story.
Suzi: Once upon a time, in a psychiatric ward not that far away...
Dave: There once lived a handsome prince, who isn't in this fanfic...
James: There once was a girl from Nantucket...
Though it was a tough story to swallow, the group did. Shana had
kept her head down and facing away from Ranma-chan.
James: Ah, he makes you ill too, then?
"Why did you lie to us?" Akane asked.
Suzi: Fun! You're a gullible sap!
"Why didn't you tell us that Ranma, Genma, Shampoo, and Mousse had
curses?" Orion countered.
Dave: <as Shana> Yeah! I have so many good recipes for pork, duck and
cat, too!
"Because I didn't know if we could trust you." Akane answered.
James: Good instincts. Now drop dead.
"Exactly." Orion replied.
Soon after Orion stopped telling the story, Kasumi brought in some
hot water.
Dave: <in his best Hillbilly Hick voice> Thanks, maw! That there must be
the new hot water crop.
Suzi: <dropping her head into her hands> WHY ME? Someone tell me WHY I'm
dating you...
Dave: <looks at Suzi><whispers something in her ear>
Suzi: <turns bright red><giggles> Oh yeah, that's why...
Ranma had just finished putting the kettle down when Happosai ran in with a
bucket of cold water.
James: <as Ranma> Bad kettle! Naughty kettle! EVIL kettle! There, that
ought to do it.
Suzi: What the hell are you doing?!
James: Putting the kettle down.
Suzi: ...
Happosai threw the bucket at Orion and accidently latched on to
Shana. Orion
James: How do you accidentally grope someone? How does Happosai, no less?
looked at the old man grabbing at his fiancee's behind and smashed the old
man's head into the floor. "How dare you, Ran.....Who are you?" Happosai
said raising his head.
Dave: I *AM* the Pumpkin King!
Suzi: I *AM* the Lizard Queen!
James: I *AM* the Funky Monkey!
Dave & Suzi: ... <looking at James oddly>
James: Heheh...
"That's not important. What is important is WHY WERE YOU GRABBING
MY FIANCEE?!?!" Orion yelled. He grabbed Happosai and threw him into the
stone wall that surrounded the Tendo dojo.
Suzi: <as Akane> You wanna get this one, Ranma?
Dave: <As Ranma> Yeah, sure. Where'd you put the squeegee?
Orion walked out and grabbed the old man again. Happosai pulled
his pipe and hooked Orion's wrist. Nothing happened. Happosai was visibly
shocked. "What? Was that supposed to do something?" Orion asked before
slamming Happosai into the ground again and again and again.
Suzi: Visibly shocked, hm? How many volts?
Dave: Hey, now there's sport I can really enjoy. "Happy Slamming!"
"How'd he stop the old goat from throwing him into the sky?" Ranma
asked.
James: He eats his Wheaties.
"That technique requires total fury from your opponent. Orion is
never tottally angered. If he was, the old man would be annihilated
already." Shana answered.
ALL: GET MAD! GET MAD!
"Looks like the old freak tried to eat a mountain in one bite."
Ranma remarked.
Suzi: An entire mountain?
James: Nah, just a really big bowl of Cocoa Pebbles.
Orion finally released the old man (Who was barely a lump) and
began walking back to the house. "Look out!!" Akane
Dave: Aw, barely a lump? Can't you do better than that?
Suzi: Yeah, go for "grease spot!"
yelled as Happosai flew and jabbed at Orion's sleep spot. Orion turned
around and yelled "Branch fist!" Happosai yelled in pain as 3451 punches
struck him in one second. Happosai's beaten form flew back into the wall.
Dave: <as Ranma> We're going to have to have that wall sandblasted to get
those stains out...
Suzi: <as Akane> I don't know.. The reds kinda look neat with those brown
swirls mixed in.
Orion walked back into the house with EVERYONE, including Shana,
staring at him. "That's odd. The old goat rarely misses." Ryoga said.
Dave: He must be having a "BAAAA"-d day.
James: If everyone is staring at him, wouldn't that include Shana anyway?
"Yeah, well, he missed." Orion said. Colonge walked and jabbed
the same spot Happosai had. Again, nothing happened. "Will you knock it
off?" Orion said to Colonge.
Suzi: <as Cologne> I just tried that. It won't knock.
James: <singing> Knock, knock, knockin' on Orion's head...
"Great-grandmother NEVER miss." Shampoo announced.
Suzi: I *KNEW* she was a man!
Dave: How do you figure that?
Suzi: If she was never a miss, she had to have been a mister!
James: ...
"He hit the right spot alright. But, it seems that this young
man's pressure points are not where they should be." Colonge said examining
the spot she had hit.
James: Out, damn spot!
Dave: They're already out, Jim. She can't find them.
Suzi: <singing> Under pressure... Dum dum dum dee dee dum dum...
James: Enough already, Suzi Bowie.
"So, I'm special. What would you think, after all I do control
magic." Orion countered.
Dave: Where the heck did THAT come from?!
Suzi: "After all, I do control the key to the bathroom."
James: "After all, I do control the "repeat" function to this video
wall." <makes the last scene replay itself>
Suzi & Dave: NOOOO!!
"No one insults me and gets away with it!" Happosai's angry came
from the garden. Orion walked out. "Old man. If I win, you leave Japan
and go to the Antartic to die. In the unlikely event that you should win,
I'll do anything you want." Orion declared..
Dave: The Antarctic?
Suzi: Those poor penguins.. <sniffle>
Dave: There, there... I'm sure the author wouldn't be THAT mean to an
innocent little flightless birdy, right?
Suzi: <sniffle> But look what he's doing to us poor innocent readers!
James: Poor, maybe. Innocent? <looks Suzi over> Not hardly.
Suzi: ...
"Alright, prepare to be beaten." Happosai yelled.
Suzi: <as Julia Childs> Whip with a gentle motion, using a fine wire whisk.
Dave: <singing> Whip it! Whip it good!
James: ...
Happosai battle aura grew, until there was a thirty foot Happosai
standing in front of Orion. Orion ignored the battle aura and concentrated
on the real Happosai. "What's he doing? He'll be killed!!" Ryoga asked Shana.
James: Hope springs eternal.
Dave: Yeah. Put him out of MY misery.
"A true martial artist focuses on the real threat, not the
distraction." Shana answered.
Dave: <as Ranma> So it's safe to ignore Akane's cooking?
Suzi: <as Nabiki> No, *that's* the real threat.
Happosai's battle aura fist flew and slammed into the ground
around Orion. Orion was completely unhurt and advancing on
Happosai. "Fireball!" Orion yelled releasing a HUGE flaming ball at
Happosai. Happosai didn't move quickly enough and was caught dead center
on the explosion.
Suzi: Please, oh PLEASE let that statement be true...
Dave: What statement?
Suzi: "Dead" center.
Happosai's battle aura died away and a scorched Happosai was on
his knees.
Dave: There's two of him?! And why is one of them on his knees?!
James: Ugh, I'm not even gonna go there.
"Impossible! No one has been able to resist my attacks!! No
one!!!" Happosai yelled in despair.
Suzi: He even talks though panties. How sad?
James: Where did you get that from?
Suzi: He's talking in despair, and sooner or later he'll talk in dat-pair,
and then de-other-pair..
Dave: Seek help, honey. Quickly.
"Meet the new master, Happosai." Ranma declared.
Suzi: The new master Happosai? Isn't he the old master?
Dave: No, he's the old bastard.
Happosai leaped away. "Well, that takes care of that. So, you
mentioned earlier about needing aid?" Ranma asked Orion.
James: Sure left quietly, didn't he?
Suzi: And it's forgotten just as quickly.
Dave: "Needing aid"? It sounds like he's a foreign country looking for a
handout.
Jame: Maybe it's a hearing aid.
Dave: Kool-Aid?
James: Farm Aid?
Dave: A Band-Aid?
James: Lemonade?
Suzi: ALRIGHT ALREADY!! Damn jerks..
James: <hands Suzi a pair of small pills> Here.
Suzi: What's this?
James: Midol. "Bitch Aid."
The group was outside and waiting an answer. "I need some strong
fighters to aid me in taking on this demon." Orion began. Genma, Soun,
and Colonge stepped forward. "No. If we're beaten, that would leave the
planet defenseless. You would have to take on the demon if we failed."
Orion told them, then turned to the remaining group.
Dave: THOSE three volunteering for anything first?!
Suzi: My ass.
Dave: <puzzled> It's very nice, but what does your ass have to do with
this fanfic?
Suzi: ...
James: Her ass aside, I can see his point. Genma would hide, Soun would
cry, and the old bat would lurk in the corner and look inscrutable.
"There's a chance that the cursed ground and all curses caused by
it will be cancelled." Orion told them. Ranma, Mousse, and Shampoo joined.
Suzi: If you just cancel this fanfic, I'll worship you as a God.
"I'll pay for weddings." Orion tried.
Ukyo joined.
Dave: I hope you can pay the hospital bills, too.
Suzi: Ooh, I hope it's a big ceremony.
Dave: I dunno... Funerals are usually small and quiet.
"I'll teach secret techniques." Orion tried.
Ryoga and Akane joined.
James: If Akane knows any *un*secret techniques I'd be amazed.
Dave: Do delusions of grandeur count as a technique?
James: No.
Suzi: She has delusions of adequacy.
"At least stay till tomorrow." Nodoka told them.
Suzi: <as Nodoka> Yes, please. We need someone to unclog the
toilets. Genma had a big bamboo lunch.
"I don't think that the demon would mind. After all, we'll have
about a year's worth of training in before that." Orion said
"A YEAR?!?" The entire group exclaimed.
Dave: Please please PLEASE don't detail every single day of it... <starts
praying>
James: <puzzled> Dave, I thought you were an athiest.
Dave: Jimmy, when it comes to possibly getting out of this fanfic, there
ARE no athiests. I'd pray to Tony Soprano if it would help.
"Actually two months, but I have means of extending the time."
Orion announced.
Dave: <glumly> There is no god.
Orion took Nodoka aside as the rest of the group went to
pack. "Why did you want us to stay?" He asked.
Suzi: <as Nodoka> Because I wanted one last day to stare at that hot bod
of yours.
James: <as Orion> But ma'am! What about Genma?!
Suzi: <as Nodoka> Oh, screw him.
James: <as Orion> No THANK you!
"Because, tomorrow's Valetine's day." Nodoka told him.
Dave: Valetine?
James: Ah yes, Valetine's Day. When dyslexics all over the world come
together...
Dave: "Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!" Like that sort of thing?
Suzi: That joke was lamer than... well, it was really lame.
"Then we better not tell them that." Orion told her.
Dave: Sure, spoil the fun. I was looking forward to the bloodshed.
"Why not?" Nodoka asked. Orion told her what Akane had told him.
Nodoka was stunned.
"You never noticed?" Orion asked.
Suzi: Noticed? That Ranma is gay, Akane is a psycho hosebeast, Shampoo
has a feather fetish, Ukyou likes being spanked with her spatula, Nabiki's
into being dominated, Kasumi's a leather goddess, and Kodachi likes being
tied up? Nope, hadn't noticed a thing.
"I just thought they were REALLY good friends." Nodoka answered.
Dave: Ranma and Ryouga, sittin' in a tree..
James: P-U-K-E-I-N-G.
Dave: There's no E in puking, Jimmy.
James: I know. I needed another letter.
Orion shook his head.
Suzi: And so we come to the end of another chapter.
Dave: Just great. Another step towards oblivion.
James: Well, I've read worse.
Dave & Suzi: You HAVE?!
James: Admittedly not MUCH worse, but still worse nonetheless.
Suzi: I can't imagine it. This fic is starting to cause brain
hemhorraging in poor Dave here...
Dave: <drools quietly onto his shirt>
James: We'll get him a Whopper, he'll feel better. Are we ready for chapter 5?
Dave: As ready as we'll ever be, I suppose.
<to be continued>
Red Death
Archivist, Fanfic Reviewer & Author
Proprietor, Ranma 1/2 Superhighway
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/index.html
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