Dave: Round 2! Get your airsickness bags ready.
James: You're not kidding.
Suzi: Shh.. It's starting.
Dave: Don't remind me..
Ranma 1/2
Chapter 2
"What The...."
Orion awoke on a grassy plain. Noticing that this wasn't the
univerisity, he looked
James: I shall refrain from the expected Kansas reference.
Dave: Thank the Gods.
James: Not a problem, Toto.
Dave: ...
around frantically, trying to gather enough information to figure out what
had happened. He saw a farm in the distance. He decided that he couldn't
do anything just standing around, he started walking towards the farm. As
he got closer to the farm, he noticed a band of rogues roughing up the farmer.
Suzi: Who uses the word 'rogue' nowadays?
Dave: This author, apparently.
James: Isn't that some sort of makeup?
Suzi: That's 'rouge', sweetie.
Dave: No, it's another word for a hairpiece.
Suzi: <getting steamed> That's a rug.
James: Oh, it's a sheer mountain range.
Suzi: That's a RIDGE. Now shut up.
Dave: Maybe its a--
Suzi: <smacks them both with her remote>
Dave & James: Oww..
Suzi: <smirk>
He ran towards the group. When he was within ten feet, he
stopped and yelled. *"Leave him alone."* Orion said, menacingly.
Dave: Remarkably calm for someone who's yelling.
James: Maybe they're hard of hearing.
Dave: Or the author is hard of thinking.
The rogue leader stopped and stared at him, obviously trying to
figure out what Orion had just said. The rogue leader decided that Orion
had insulted him and attacked.
Suzi: How can you lead rogues? Isn't that contradictory?
James: They must be really lost.
Suzi: Wouldn't they be a group of Ryouga's?
James & Dave: <both smack her with both their remotes>
James: Just watch the fic.
Orion smiled as the rogue leader charged with his sword intent on
spearing him, Orion slid left and stuck out his foot. The leader was going
too fast to stop and tripped over Orion's foot.
Dave: Don't say it. Just don't say it.
Suzi: <innocently> Moi?
James: Have a nice trip! <ducks>
Dave: I SAID DON'T SAY IT!!
Orion turned to see the rest of the rogues charging. Orion
quickly counted them and found that there were only six lackeys.
James: Well, are they rogues or lackeys? Make up yer mind!
Suzi: And are they using Visa or MasterCard?
Dave: Huh?
Suzi: They were all charging.
Dave: ...
A single round-house kick hit one into two other lackeys sending
the three to the
Dave: At least his math skills are accurate.
James: Don't count on it. This is chapter two, and that's two too many.
ground. A fourth lackey caught a fist to the face. A fifth weilding a
staff swung at Orion as he ducked, the staff caught the sixth lackey in the
face.
Suzi: Now *that's* a staff meeting.
James: ...
Orion stood up and threw a swift kick to what would have been the lackey's
stomach if the lackey hadn't charged.
Suzi: Instead he hit the lackey's credit slip.
Dave: I want a refund from this fic.
Suzi: Sorry, sweetie. All sales are terminal. Er, I mean final.
James: Same thing.
The kick caught the lackey in the groin, who collapsed. The rogue leader
was already up as Orion turned around.
Dave: His groin collapsed?!
James: It would seem so.
Dave: Harsh.
The rogue leader pointed at Orion, the himself, indicating a
one-on-one fight. Orion nodded.
Dave: The almighty Himself! Praise be thy anonymity!
James: Again with the rogue leader. What's he leading if he's rogue?
Suzi: I still say it's a bunch of Ryouga's.
The lackeys walked past Orion and stood behind their
leader. Orion began running as the rogue leader did. The rogue leader
threw a series of carefully timed punches, all of which Orion
blocked. *"Branch fist!"* Orion yelled, throwing a single punch. The
rogue leader collapsed.
All: **Branch fist?!**
Suzi: Oh, come ON..
Dave: He must be a Druid.
James: Funny, he doesn't look Druish.
Suzi & Dave: <GROAN>
James: <blink> What'd I say?
Suzi: What the heck's a branch fist? Woodland Martial Arts?
Dave: Naah.. Fast Food Corporate Martial Arts.
James: Huh?
Dave: You know.. The Branch Fist.. The Franchise Kick.. The Marketing-Ploy
Overhead Pocketbook Smash..
Suzi: <smashes her sidetable into Dave's head> ENOUGH!
The lackeys raced up to their leader. They looked at Onion,
disbelieving. They picked up their leader and ran leaving their weapons
behind.
James: Onion Man strikes again!
Suzi: He definitely stinks, that's for sure.
The farmer yelled some chinese insults at them (Author's note: I
won't even try to translate the words.), then turned to Orion and started
thanking him. Orion realized he was in China. He mentally thanked his mom
for signing him up for chinese and japanese language classes.
Dave: Yeah, thanks mom. I could'a been in Gym, tryin' to score with the
girls in the next class, but nooo...
{"Thank you very much."} the farmer said, bowing deeply.
James: You're welcome, bloke. Now if you don't mind, could you stand away
a bit? You smell like cow flop.
Suzi: No, that's the fic you're smelling.
Orion noticed that the famer had brown eyes, grey hair, was about
his height, and worn muscles. Orion swore that if it weren't for the hair
color, the old farmer would look about in his mid-twenties.
Suzi: The famer? He's ready for his close-up, Mr. DeMille.
James: Mid-twenties? Is that age or remaining brain cells?
{"They won't bother you for a very long time."} Orion said
confidently. The farmer laughed and nodded.
{"You must be tired and hungry. Please allow me to properly
thank you by giving you some dinner, some new clothes, and shelter for the
night."} the farmer said.
Suzi: You can even have my daughter for the night, kind stranger.
Mentioning food, Orion's stomach grumbled, and the mention of new clothes
made Orion look down at his jumpsuit.
James: Anyone would look down on that thing. He looks like a bloody Smurf.
Literally.
The jumpsuit's arms and legs were completely torn up. The torso
area was some what salvagable, but Orion dismissed the idea. It would just
look goofier. But the one thing that
Dave: Is looking goofier than a red-and-blue superhero jumpsuit possible?
James: Sure. He could be in a burlap sack.
Suzi: I wouldn't mind getting him in the sack.
Dave: Suzi!!
surprised Orion the most was that for all the damage on his jumpsuit, he
was completely uncut.
Suzi: Hmm.. Must not be a Jewish boy, then.
Dave: Suzi!! Must you?!
Suzi: As often as possible, chum.
James: <laughing quietly>
A thought popped into the farmer's head, seeing as Orion was
uncut and he had on strange clothes. {"You're not a dragon, are you?"} the
farmer asked worriedly.
{"No, just a lost traveler."} Orion answered. The farmer smiled.
Suzi: Ah.. He IS Ryouga!
Dave & James: I give up.
Something about that smile reminded Orion of a certain car dealer that had,
in thirty minutes, convinced Orion to buy a thirty year old station wagon
that didn't have an engine or tires.
James: Ahh.. The legendary Nissan Stump. Great for sitting, didn't move
worth a damn.
Dave: Just like this fic. It sure isn't going anywhere.
That evening, after a lengthy bath, Orion was in a grey shirt and
black pants. The shirt and pants looked odd, but nice. Convincing the
farmer that he had been wandering around the mountains for months, Orion
learned that the year was roughly one thousand, five hundred years in the
past, give or take a few years.
Suzi: About the time the last can of SPAM was produced.
Dave: Sounds about right.
Orion remembered a crudy show about some guy that went around in
time, fixing mistakes and then going to some other place and time. Orion
shuddered at the thought, but dismissed it since no one had come to help him.
James: Quantum Crap?
Dave: Come on now, I loved that show.
Suzi: What, Diarrhea Leap? It's fitting, seeing as this fic is a real
piece of s--
James & Dave: SUZI!!
As Orion headed down stairs, the farmer told him it was time to
eat. {"You'll finally get to meet my little girl, Shana."} the farmer said
proudly.
Suzi: Ah, here we go. The lemon scene!
James: Depending on how "little" this little girl is. This could go from
kinky to illegal real quick.
Dave: This whole fic is a lemon. A big one.
{"Who's Shana...."} Orion managed to say before a beautiful
young girl walked in carrying a tray of food.
James: Shana! Come back, Shana! <kudos if you get the reference>
Dave: <groan>
{"Father, are you trying to marry me off on another......"} Shana
began. She was about three inches shorter than Orion, with black flowing
hair, greyish-blue eyes, and a red dress that complimented her nicely.
Dave: <drooling> Yummm...
Suzi: <smacks him with her remote again> ...
It was about three seconds after she had entered the room, that
Orion noticed his jaw had dropped. She stared at him and began to blush.
{"Daughter, you had better serve that food before it grows to
cold to eat."} the farmer said abruptly.
Shana quickly passed out the food. It was about half a minute
before Orion spoke. {"Uh, so. Um, do...do you have any other family?"}
Orion said, trying to start up a conversation.
Dave: Yeah, any more hotties like this one?
Suzi: <starts to glow a bright blue, which Dave somehow doesn't notice>
James: Dave, quit while you're ahead. <mutters> While you still *have* a
head, that is..
{"No. Shana's older sister died a few years ago at
Jusenkyo. Her mother died when she was just two years of age."} the farmer
replied. Orion winced.
James: Her mother was *two*?!
Dave: Couldn't take this fic for long, could she?
{"I lost my parents when I was only five. And I no longer have
many relatives."} Orion said, remembering the pain. [Or friends], Orion
thought.
{"So, you lost your family, too."} Shana said, sadly.
James: I say they're hiding from the author.
Suzi: See? They ARE the lost branch of the Hibiki family!
Dave: Suzi. Take a breather.
Seeing both of them in a sad state, the farmer asked Orion {"How
old are you?"}
Suzi: A sad state? Despair?
Dave: Shock?
James: California?
{About eighteen."} Orion said cautiously.
The farmer nodded and said {"Shana's fifteen. If you're not
married, why don't you marry her?"} (In medival ages and before, It was
standard practice to be married before twenty. And it was acceptable to
marry after fourteen.)
James: Oooh... Fanfic hits a new low. Jailbait fics.
Orion turned his head and spat out the water he had been
drinking. Orion began coughing forcefully.
Dave: Spit takes. Gotta love spit takes.
James: Unless you're the one being spit on.
Suzi: I could make a very interesting comment here, Davey.
James & Dave: DON'T! <blushing furiously>
Shana was worried that Orion might choke to death.
James: PLEASE choke to death.
Dave: End our torment! DIE!
Orion had just finished coughing when Shana reached him. {"Father. You
should know that almost every guy does that when they're drinking
water. So, why do you keep timing it like that?"} She asked angrily.
Suzi: <as farmer> I work for the Galactic Plaque-Fighters Guild. I always
give them the newest formula of hyper-mouthwash. The side effects are
getting more and more minor now! A few more years and we should have that
'spontaneous brain hemmhoraging' thing knocked!
{"Just to see they're reaction."} the farmer said laughing.
Dave: Yeah, seeing them wet themselves is SO hilarious.
James: And seeing people confuse "their" and "they're" isn't?
Orion stared at the farmer, then at Shana. He blushed. {"Well,
all the other boys around here are scum. You're the first not to propose
or try to rape Shana before a single word is said."} the farmer declared.
James: Hell, give me a minute, I'll get to it...
Suzi: Which one?
James: Er.. No comment.
{"I'll.....I'll have to think about this. I mean, this is so
sudden and I've never really thought marriage for a long time."} Orion said.
Suzi: <wipes a tear from her eye> That's so sad..
Dave: It is?
James: Must be a woman thing. I think it's pathetic.
Suzi: <sigh> You two are so unromantic.
Dave: Well DUH. My idea of romantic is a six-pack and a redhead.
James: Come to think of it, that's your idea of romantic too, Suze.
Suzi: No, that's my idea of "appetizer." <throws Dave a smoldering gaze>
Dave: Er.. <tries to hide his bright red hair> Back to the fic.
(Author's note: Caution: Flashback)
Dave: Reader's Note: Caution! Indifference.
Orion was sitting in front of an altar. The church he was in was
empty. A reverend walked up behind him. *"I have to say that I don't
think she's coming."* The reverend said.
*"I don't understand. We were in love. Why didn't she come?"*
Orion said to no one. He stood up and left.
James: Considering that you're a loser in a bad fanfic, I cannot begin to
wonder why.
Dave: 'Nuff said.
(Author's note: End Flashback)
Suzi: Reader's Note: Still indifferent.
{"I haven't had much luck with weddings either."} Orion told them.
{"Take all the time you need."} the farmer told him.
Dave: Just longer than it takes to read this turkey, thank you.
James: What happens then?
Dave: I thank the Gods I'm still sane, if that's the case.
{"Thank you."} Orion replied.
The next day, Orion walked into the forest to meditate and
consider the farmer's offer after telling the two what he was going to do.
Suzi: I have some suggestions what he could do.
Dave: Or where he can go, for that matter.
It was a hard decision. She was beautiful, but the farmer was
trying to unload her like unwanted cargo and he might disrupt the time line
or something like that. But, she was BEAUTIFUL and very open minded. He
thought about it, weighing the good and the bad.
Dave: Heh, heh.. He said "hard".
Suzi: <fuming> Sure, why not? Marry a fifteen-year-old girl you've known
for two days and ignore us 'old maids', eh?
James: You're barely older than her, Suze.. <rolls his eyes> What crawled
up your butt?
Suzi: <glaring> Just read the fic, jerk. <grumbling> Typical man..
After two days, he had decided. As he came near the house, Shana
came up to him and told him {"Father is sick! Hurry!!"}
Dave: Sick of this fic, no doubt.
Suzi: Perfectly understandable.
When they got to the house, the farmer was on a bed. Orion
checked his pulse. The farmer was already cold. {"How long has he been
like this?"} he asked Shana.
James: About two chapters.
{"Not long."} she replied.
Orion tried CPR for six minutes before he stopped. The farmer
was dead.
Dave: SOMEONE gets out of this fanfic.
James: Give it another chapter, you'll wish for death, too.
Suzi: Did this farmer ever get a *name* for crying out loud?
Shana burst into tears. Orion shook his head and damned himself for not
being able to use his abilities.
James: Wow... Spontaneous human hydrocombustion! COOL!
Dave: Don't damn yourself, Orion... We're damning you enough as it is.
Later that evening, Orion buried the old farmer and left a
marker. That night was unusually quiet. When Shana woke up the following
morning, Orion was standing next to her bed. {"I'm sorry about your
father. It's always hard to lose someone you care about."} Orion began.
Suzi: Luckily, I don't care.
{"He kept telling me he was dying. I just never took him
seriously."} Shana replied. She sighed.
Dave: Good thing. I didn't either.
James: He's quite seriously gone, though. I envy him.
{"I did consider his offer. I went to the nearest village and
bought this from a merchant."} Orion said holding up a bejeweled necklace.
Suzi: Well I'll bedamned.
Dave: We certainly will be if this chapter doesn't end soon.
James: My thoughts precisely.
Shana took the necklace into her hands and admired it. Then she
realized {"The nearest town is two days away."}
{"I ran."} Orion replied.
Dave: Mind if I do the same? Out of this room, that is.
Shana stared at him.
{"I took a horse."} Orion tried.
Suzi: Look, pal. Your kinky sex life is NOT something I wanna know about.
Dave & James: Eww..
{"We have no horses."} Shana told him.
Dave: <as Shana> Besides myself, anyway. Neigh!
{"I bought it from a traveling merchant."} Orion said.
{"You don't have any money."} Shana countered.
Suzi: <as Orion> I traded him a night with you. He's waiting in the other
room.
{"Alright, a band of thieves came by last night, I beat them up
and took it."} Orion confessed.
{"That's better."} Shana replied, returning her attention back to
the necklace. She put it on.
They smiled. {"And yes, I will marry you."} Shana answered his
question before he could ask it.
James: Run, chap, run! She's out for the kill!
Suzi: <punches James in the head> Jeez, you're all the same.
James: <rubbing head> Er.. Was it something I said?
Suzi: ...
{"That's great. I would hated to get a scar for nothing."} Orion
told her.
Dave: Please tell me this won't go on much longer.
James: Okay, but I'd be lying. There's eleven more chapters of this thing.
Suzi: Oh my lord.
James: No use praying, it won't save you now...
Dave: We're doomed.
<to be continued>
Red Death
Archivist, Fanfic Reviewer & Author
Proprietor, Ranma 1/2 Superhighway
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/index.html
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