And more backlog. Just as a reminder, these comments represent nothing
more than the opinions of one particularly hard-to-please reader; take
them for what they're worth. :)

"Sebastian Palm" <winchester@telia.com> wrote:

Posting notes: If at first it looks like shit...

HIROSHI: ...flush.

DAISUKE: ...adjust your fiber intake.

Disclaimer: Takahashi Rumiko designed the characters and setting. I hope
she finds it in her heart to forgive me for mutilation them... ^_^'

for mutilating them....
(or)
for my mutilation of them....

Ten years ago...

10 years ago...

A total of twenty years ago, or was this accidentally duplicated? I'd go
with the first form, BTW, as numerals should be avoided unless you're
dealing with very large numbers. (I recall one instructor claiming that
starting a sentence with a numeral is one of those things you should
always avoid.)

"Dearest, I've failed in my promise," Genma began, his voice clearly
conveying that tears were not far away. Either Genma had improved
greatly on his acting skills, or there was something seriously amiss,
much worse than usual.

Some more specific description of Ranma might help point out the fact
that he's a toddler in this scene (which I missed on first scan).

"...and now he turns into a daughter!"

And Saotome Nodoka, mother of Ranma and husband of Genma, left the
waking world and knew no more for a good long while.

Hrm. The fainting thing seems a bit cliched, given that (1) Genma hasn't
actually demonstrated the curse, and (2) Noddy isn't the bundle of
emotions that Soun is. It's okay, but IMO would be better if you could
come up with a more Nodoka-specific reaction.

A vision of cool, clear morning sky greeted Saotome Ranma as he opened
the blinds of his bedroom window. Stretching his limbs, he spent a
moment admiring the view. Not that the bland sea of rooftops was any
different normal, but Ranma seldom had his mornings to himself. Judging

different from normal,

>from the amount of light outside, he hadn't woken any earlier than

usual, which had to mean that his father had had much more Sake than was

sake
(it's not the name of a specific entity, so don't capitalize)

"Ranma dear, it's time to wake up! You don't want to miss your first day

"Ranma, dear, it's

"Yeah, Mom! Is the furo free?" Ranma called out.

You misspelled "bathtub".

By age eleven, the differences between boys and girls had begun making
themselves more pronounced, not that it was physically apparent. The
girls in class had slowly gone from 'fear of cooties' to 'suspicion of
perversion', and the boys in turn had grown _very_ interested in the
female body. Too much so for Ranma's taste, especially since he was the
most easily observable example.

"Yes dear. I don't think your father will be out of bed for a little

"Yes, dear.
(In this sentence, "yes" says something, whereas "dear" identifies who
the something is said to; never the twain shall meet without a comma
separating them.)

Satisfied with the answer, Ranma opened the wardrobe and retrieved the
clothes his mother had selected for him last night. A pair of drawstring
pants and a tee, both black, and a white shirt, the closest
approximation of a school uniform he could manage. 'The nail that sticks
out gets pounded', he thought.

Why would she not just get him an actual uniform? He could still wear
the boy's uniform in female form. Certainly would work better than the
other way around. ^_^;;

The washing done, Ranma entered the furo, changing back to his male
form. The the hot furo water was a sharp contrast to the earlier

Remove one "the".

"It looks like it's going to be a nice day out, today," Ranma opined, as

out today,"

"A perfect day to clean out the Koi pond, wouldn't you say, Mom?" Ranma

the carp pond,
(not a proper name, so don't capitalize, and don't use gratuitous
Japanese)

"It's not nice to torment your father that way," Nodoka replied sternly.
Her heart wasn't in it though, as she continued. "That, is my job. I was

"That is my job.

"Ready as I'll ever be. I swung by yesterday just to make sure I'd find
it. Looks kind of nice," Ranma said as he put away the dishes and
grabbed his rucksack, thermos and bento. "Gotta go now. See you later,

rucksack, thermos, and bento.

"'A martial artist's life is fraught with peril', he says. What would
_he_ know about it?" Ranma muttered as she continued on her way.

GENMA: Try training under Happosai sometime.

RANMA: Who?

GENMA: You'll learn. Heh heh.

"Nice form," Ranma muttered to herself. "I wonder what that was all
about."

Momentarily, Ranma reached the stairs and reched down to wake the

reached (I think you mean ^_^)

KUNO: Who is the reprehensible cur who just vomited over me?

RANMA: Um... he ran off.

(You may want to reword so that "reached" isn't repeated)

"Hey there," she said, as his eyes focused. "Could you direct me to the
principal's office?

office?"

When it became evident that the only answer she'd get was drooling,
Ranma sighed deeply and dropped the slobbering fool.

"It figures I'd ask the school pervert for directions," she thought. "I
guess I'd better try and find it myself."

On what basis does he conclude that Kuno is the school pervert?

"What's it feel like? Does it hurt?" So far so good, these he could
handle. But...

"Are you a virgin?" someone shouted, followed by a loud guffaw.

TEACHER: Right, here are the class rules. Rule one: no virgins. Rule
two: this term I don't want to catch anybody not brawling. Rule three:
no virgins. Rule....

"Yatta!" he exclaimed softly. Seeing Akane's own look of

You misspelled... um, what the heck does "yatta" mean, anyhow? Another
reason why English fanfics are best written in English.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Akane whispered when she had
the chance. A few moments later, she continued. "You're good at this!
Some jock you turned out to be." Ranma flashed her a quick grin.

Since this paragraph is Akane's dialog, suggest you move Ranma's action
(the last sentence) into the next paragraph where he's the speaker.

"Myperiodstartsontuesdaycanyoutellthegirlssotheywon'tkillmeplease?"
Akane stared. She couldn't possibly have gotten that right.

"Come again?"

Again, I'd move Akane's reaction into the paragraph where she has
dialog.

"I tried that once, after my first. Can you imagine what happens when
your body tries to initiate something that most of the parts for are
missing? I'f I'm a girl at the time, I bleed a little and get a bit
moody. If I'm a guy, I'm totally out of it for about a week, or wishing
I was. That *hurt*! Either way, once it starts the curse locks up until
it's over."

How come this never happened to him in the manga?

Akane was still incredoulous, but the explanation was satisfactory.

incredulous

The final part feels a little redundant. This is where the backstory was
originally, as Ranma explains things to Akane. Hopefully I haven't
created an impression of "uber-Ranma". The scholastic prowess he
displays have come at the expense of his training, particularly his ki
skills.

I dunno if I'd say uber-Ranma, but... the Ranma depicted here simply
doesn't seem all that interesting.

I mean....

-he's got the school's head administrator and his teacher on his side; 

-he's getting along fabulously with Akane;

-he expertly dispatched the unnamed antagonist in his class;

-the aforementioned people on his side seem to be helping him avoid any
possible problems caused by his curse;

...and so on, and so on.

Compare this to canon Ranma from the manga, who has to frequently match
wits with the school's head administrator, who has to work at staying on
good terms with Akane, who has lots of antagonists who won't just fade
into the background upon being threatened with bodily mutliation, who
often gets into messes caused by his curse activating at inconvenient
times, and so on.

To be frank, the backstory you describe second-hand sounds a lot more
interesting than what Ranma is actually dealing with during your story.
You really need to get him into a situation where he's vulnerable (in
the generalized sense), something he can't handle without growing and
learning as he goes. Otherwise, well... you show me a contented
character, and I'll show you a character who's boring to read about. And
if the interesting conflicts are going to happen later in the story,
then why not start your fic when they begin, and just subsume everything
prior as backstory?

Just my own humbly opinionated comments. ^_^  Hope some of it proves
useful, and good luck with your writing.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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