Sebastian,
 
This strikes me as an entirely serious attempt to write good fiction, so I
am going to treat it to some serious C&C. Please do not take my commentary
the wrong way. I am doing the best I can to help you out. My comments are
enclosed in square [] brackets.
 
Regards,
 
Don Granberry.

The End of the Rope



Prologue (Unfinished)



Saotome Nodoka looked at his dejected-looking son, and his shamefaced
father, and wondered at the cause of their expressions.
 
[POV established with Nodoka Saotome. in the very first line. BRAVO!]

[Confusing use of pronouns! The first use of "his" should probably be "her".
You must exercise great control over pronouns in any Ranma 1/2 story. The
sex of the characters is often in question, so pay careful attention to
pronoun gender lest you inadvertently confuse the reader about the
characters' sex. If it is your intent to confuse the reader, and that is an
acceptable tool in an author's hands, do so with great caution and only to
set the reader up for a good scare or a good laugh.]
 
  
Ranma's hair had changed color, that much she could see, but surely that
wasn't so much to be worked up about? Sure, red hair would stich out, but...
 
[Use "stick" rather than "stich".]

"Dearest, I've failed in my promise," Genma began, his voice clearly
conveying that tears were not far away. Either Genma had gotten much better
at faking, or there were something seriously wrong here.

"Which promise?" Nodoka asked in puzzlement. There had been a lot of
promised made and broken over the course of their marriage, none of them
serious enough to warrant this kind of behaviour, katana-waving or not.
Could he have been unfaithful?"
 
[Extraneous double quote after the word "unfaithful". "Behaviour" is a
British spelling. Such is perfectly acceptable to me, but you are advised
that others will grump about it. One wonder's if Nodoka would not be a bit
disappointed in Genma if he were completely faithful, but this is the
author's call not the critic's.]
 
"I've failed to keep my boy safe from harm," Genma wailed, causing Nodoka's
heart to freeze in her chest, "...and now he turns into a daughter!"
 
[I am uncertain as to how one may correctly punctuate this sentence as
written. I think it probably should be written thus:
 
"I've failed to keep my boy safe from harm!" Genma wailed, causing Nodoka's
heart to freeze in her chest. "And, now he turns into a daughter!"
 
I suggest consulting with an accomplished grammar-geek on this one. I may
well have gotten it wrong as well.]
 

And Saotome Nodoka knew no more for a good long while.

[Author's query: Suggested filler? This prologue feels way too short, but
the rest of what I've written doesn't feel like prologue material]
 
[[To tell you the truth, I am not much on prologues. I think you are better
off starting the yarn with a first chapter. The only circumstances under
which a prologue will serve a story well, is when the prologue establishes a
body of facts, occurrences and circumstances that took place well in advance
of the time in which the actual story is set.
 
In this case, we know from the original manga how Nodoka came to find out
about Ranma's curse, so you owe us a wee bit more story about how and why
she discovered Ranma's condition from a voluntary admission made by the
cowardly Genma Saotome. We are left wondering at Genma's behavior. His more
typical response would have been to throw Onna-Ranma over his shoulder and
set out for the safety of the distant hills at a high rate of travel.]]





Chapter 1
 
[Change in scene abrupt, but adequate given that the story began with a
prologue, which ended with the collapse of Nodoka. POV established with
Ranma Saotome in the very first line. BRAVO!]

A vision of cool, clear morning sky greeted Saotome Ranma as he opened the
blinds of his bedroom window. Not that the rest of the view was anything
spectacular - second floor bedrooms in the middle of a city aren't naturally
conducive to such. But at least the sky was nice, and Ranma decided to take
a few moments to enjoy it while it lasted. His reverie was broken by a
clattering noise from the kitchen, followed by his mother's voice.
 
[The second and third sentences clank around a bit. I would suggest you
consider re-structuring them, but the flaw here is fairly negligible. Use
your discretion in the matter.]

"Ranma dear, it's time to wake up! You don't want to miss your first day at
school!"
 
'Oh yeay. School. Whoop dee do.' Ranma's nascent good mood fizzled abruptly,
and with good reason - the combination of his Jusenkyo curse and martial
arts skill had gotten him kicked out of more schools than he could count on
one hand. 
 
[I would give serious consideration to having Ranma mutter his string of
exclamations, rather than relegating them to silent thought. Actual
utterances have a wee bit more impact on the reader or, at least, so it
seems to me. "Yeah" is the way the cheer, sarcastic or otherwise is spelled.
Yes, it is the same exact spelling employed to say "Yeah," meaning "yes". At
one time it was spelled, "Yea", but that spelling is usually reserved for
period speech, said period being the eighteenth century or earlier. ]
  
Most recently, he'd been expelled after threatening to inflict grivous
bodily harm on one of the stupider and more obnoxious perverts in his class.
It had been well-deserved - even the teachers loathed the guy. If the kid
had been anyone else other than the son of the chairman of the scool board,
he would have gotten away with it, but...

At least the two-week enforced break had been nice - he'd gotten to kick the
stuffing out of his old man for six more hours a day, while his mother
pulled the strings to get him into a new school. Anyway, that was the past,
and it was the present which needed more attention now.
 
[The POV here is fine, but its voice is weak. You are straddling the line
between the voice of an independent observer who reads Ranma's thoughts and
then relays them to us, and having us "hear" Ranma's thoughts just as they
course through his mind. Given that you have already established the POV
with Ranma, I recommend that you rewrite this so that the voice is entirely
Ranma's, complete with his usual colloquialisms and bad grammar. If it is of
any consolation to you, I catch myself making this same mistake with more
than a little frequency. "grivous" should be spelled "grievous". School
Board, rather than "scool board", and I don't know that they have such in
Japan. Others on FFML could answer that question for you. Use "present that"
instead of "present which", unless you are going to re-write this to reflect
Ranma's thinking directly.]
 
"Yeah, mom! Is the furo free?"
 
["Mom" should be capitalized in this context. Ranma is using "Mom" in lieu
of Nodoka's proper name.]
 
Judging from the way he'd woken up, the old man hadn't quite recovered from
either Ranma's or his own recreation - no telling which, or if it was a
combination. He _should_ be fairly sore still after yesterday's match - the
roughest of the whole break - and on top of that, he'd gone out with an old
friend in the evening. Anyway, the respite was nice.
 
[This came off as a sudden and unexpected turn. It needs a transition of
some kind to help the reader keep up. Have Ranma see Genma sitting out on
the engawa or something, then let us hear what Ranma thinks of his father's
condition and why he is in such sad shape this morning.]
 
Not really waiting for an answer to his own question, Ranma headed for the
bathroom. It _was_ empty, and Ranma took his time - the mindnumbingly cold
washwater was actually pleasant when one was prepared for it, and the
sensations it created on his, or _hers_, for the moment, skin were very
nice. 
 
[Use "mind-numbingly" and "wash water". Why "wash water" instead of
"wash-water" or simply, "washwater" is beyond my ken. I can only tell that
this is the proper way to write this out. I once had a major altercation
with an accomplished grammarian over the use of "nightjar". Should it have
been one word, two separate words or a hyphenated word. As it turns out,
"nightjar" seems to be a term now found in dictionaries. This, of course,
well after the time when the majority of us has ever had any actual
experience with the device.]
 
The soak in the hot furo water was pleasant in another fashion, easing the
aching muscles in Ranma's neck and back. Finally, he rinsed off again with
cold water. 
 
Ordinarily, he would have just used the western style shower which had been
installed for his benefit a few years ago, when it became painfully apparent
that there were times when the application of hot water to Ranma was not a
good idea. 
 
[Sentence length! The word "which" should be replaced with the word "that"
unless the word "which" is preceded by a comma. And how did it become
painfully obvious that Ranma should avoid exposure to hot water? That is
normally the first thing on his mind whenever he has been turned into a
girl.]
 
But today was special, and his mom had insisted.
 
[As a rule, you should avoid starting sentences with a conjunction, but when
you do start a sentence with a conjunction, a comma after the conjunction is
required. Why? I don't know! It just is.]
 
Ranma made his way back to his own room, using the tap to switch back to his
birth form en route. Since he hadn't registered for classes yet, he didn't
have a uniform, so he was theoretically free to choose what he wanted,
within reason. 
 
[As a rule, you should avoid the use of contractions in narrative, unless
you are writing the narrative in the character's voice. In this case, you
are straddling the voice between that of Ranma's and some independent
observer relating the story to the reader. It does not work. It works quite
well, on the other hand, if you write the scene from Ranma's perspective
throughout. This is not really an error in POV, but it does read as a clumsy
piece of writing.]
  
On the other hand, he'd had a 'dicussion' with his mother about it last
night - which meant that Ranma would wear what _she_ chose. At least her
choice wasn't too far off from his own. Opening the male half of the
wardrobe, he pulled out a pair of lightweight black drawstring pants - one
of the few garments that were totally acceptable to him in both forms,
because of the difference in build - a black tee, and a white shirt. If he'd
had it his way, he'd have used the red silk shirt hed gotten on the last
trip, but as his mother had pointed out, it was better to try to remain
inconspicous for as long as possible.
 
 [discussion. inconspicuous.  Several unnecessary uses of a malformed
em-dash.]
 
Intent on finishing off his morning preparations, Ranma untied the 'string'
he habitually tied his hair with (another 'souvrenir' from China), and
quickly brushed it out, retying the string again as soon as he could manage.
The fifty or so strokes it took were a good speed drill, and it was easy to
measure how fast he was by looking at how much hair he had to cut off
afterwards. Today it was about an inch - not his best, but a lot better than
when he first started. His personal grooming done, Ranma went down to the
kitchen to grab something to eat. At his destination, Ranma found that the
old man had finally gotten himself out of bed, from the look of it not of
his own volition.
 
[souvenir]
 
[Puzzling sequence concerning Genma. Either re-write the previous mention of
him, or re-write or embellish this mention of him.]

"Good morning, Pop!" Ranma started with a mischievous grin, causing Genma to
cringe. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and why, I do believe
they're starting construction of that new mall today! Isn't it wonderful?"
 
[Ranma started? What frightened him?]

For every word out of Ranma's mouth, his father cringed harder. When he came
to the word "construction", he was almost blubbering, his mind filled with
visions of horrendously loud construction _equipment_ - jackhammers,
piledrivers, diamond-edged circular saws etc, all in addition to the tribe
of hammer-wielding dwarves which seemed to have moved into his skull
sometime during the night. Not that this could in any way be connected with
the amount of Sake he'd consumed, not at all.
 
[Change in POV from that of Ranma to that of Genma, albeit one that is
almost warrantable. However, the humor would work better here if you simply
described Genma's reaction as though you were Ranma inflicting this torment,
not as though you were Genma suffering the torment.
 
Ranma knows that Genma went out drinking and therefore expects his father to
be suffering from a hangover. He has discovered, no doubt by observing his
father and others suffering from such excess, that loud noises and bright
lights are torment for them. Have Ranma reflect on this and grin evilly as
he describes the start of a cheery, rambunctious day.]

"Ranma dear, it's not nice to torture your father like that," came Nodoka's
voice from just outside the kitchen. Ranma smiled, knowing full well what
would come next. "That's _my_ privilege," she continued from the doorway.
His smile growing ever larger, Ranma answered her.
 
[POV shifted from Genma back to that of Ranma, again without adequate
transition. However, this is where the POV began in this scene and should
have remained. Genma should never have been the bearer of POV at any point
in this particular scene. The story gains nothing of significance from the
shift, except to avoid taxing the author's creative abilities, which, I
might add, are already proven adequate to the task of fixing this little
problem with style.]
  
"Good morning, Mom! What happened to 'share, and share alike? Can't let you
have _all_ the fun, right?" Nodoka looked at him with mock sternness, then
at Genma, with the real thing this time, and back again, her expression
melting into a smile.
 
"I suppose not." The usual hangover punishment over with, she continued.
"You ready for your new school, Ranma?" The reminder took away some of
Ranma's good cheer.
 
[Although it is permissible to use such speech in dialogue, it seems OOC for
Nodoka. Her grammar is ordinarily quite correct and she uses all the polite
forms of speech, especially when dealing with men. She is a little less
formal when it is just her and other girls or women. I suggest using "Are
you ready for your..." instead of, "You ready for your...".]
 
"Yeah. I went over there yesterday, to get a hang of the route. Looks kind
like a nice place." 'However long that lasts', Ranma's thoughts continued
darkly.

Ranma scarfed down his breakfast, earning him a frown from his mother, got
his freshly packed bento, and made his excuses. With a silent prayer to the
Kami, he then started off for his first day at his brand new school -
Fuurinkan...

 
[Lord Redmond's minions dislike the slang term "scarfed". We may be assured
of this as a fact because they left it out of the spelling checkers that
come with M$-Word. I would normally object to the use of such a term in
narrative, but this is being told from Ranma's POV. Unfortunately, you do
need to firm up the voice a bit so that it reads as "RANMA", not Ranma and
some unknown observer taking turns to  relate the story's events to the
reader.]
  
[Additionally, some may disagree, but I firmly believe that this passage is
nearly unreadable owing to poorly chosen paragraph breaks. I believe it
should have been written thus:
 
-----------------
 

"Ranma, dear, it's not nice to torture your father like that," came Nodoka's
voice from just outside the kitchen.
 
Ranma smiled, knowing full well what would come next.
 
"That's _my_ privilege!" she added, not surprising Ranma at all.
 
His smile growing ever larger, Ranma answered, "Good morning, Mom! What
happened to share and share alike? Can't let you have _all_ the fun, right?"
 
Nodoka looked at him with mock sternness, then at Genma with the real thing,
and then she looked back at Ranma again, her expression melting into a
smile.
 
"I suppose not," she said.  The usual hangover punishment over with, Nodoka
asked, "Are you ready for your new school, Ranma?"
 
(note that this is almost a change in POV from Ranma to Nodoka, but I let it
slide because it really isn't all that noticeable.)
 
The reminder took away some of Ranma's good cheer. "Yeah, I went over there
yesterday to get a hang of the route. Looks kind of like a nice place."
 
However long that lasts, Ranma's thoughts continued darkly.  He sat down at
the table and began wolfing...]
 
 
----------------
 
I find the habit, to me it seems a recent fad, of agglomerating action,
thought and dialogue together in a careless pile to be confusing, annoying,
and just plain ugly. Despite the numerous disagreements voiced with me over
this issue, I shall continue to fault such writing every time I run across
it. Putting it bluntly, I don't really care who thinks this is good writing,
be they professional or amateur. This sort of thing reads like hammered
shit!
 
Pardon me while I expound further. I do not see any value in avoiding white
space as though the author or his readers might catch the plague from it,
especially in light of the fact that the majority of us buying books for the
pleasure of reading them are of an age at which it is also necessary for us
to wear reading glasses. To me, the injudicious avoidance of white space in
one's copy can be nothing more than corporate sloth and parsimony run amok
at the expense of sound aesthetics. Any editor foolish enough to ask me to
write in this fashion may expect a fiery rebuff.
 
Now, do as you will with this advice. This is YOUR story, not mine, but as
you can see, I have little liking for this technique and you should expect
to read my gripes on the subject every time it rears its ugly head.]

[Author's note: Last scene of segment needs work - description of the
kitchen? Ideas for darkening the tone just a tad?]
 
[Why darken it? So far, the over all tone is in fairly close keeping with
the tone of the original story. While one must use darkness in a story, just
as one must use darkness in a painting, there is a definite need for
balance. Use too much of the light, or too much of the dark and the story
will suffer for want of contrast.]

***
[Change of scene quite good with adequate transition. POV established in the
first line. BRAVO! POV is Omniscient Observer.]


Swearing softly to herself, a sodden and now-female Ranma tightened the
drawstrings at her waist and ankles. The cause of her ire had nothing to do
with being female - ten years under the curse had rather thoroughly
desensitized her to that - but it had everything to do with the curse. Ranma
abhored getting wet - being wet meant he changed, and changing in public in
her experience usually meant alienation.

["Abhorred" rather than "abhored". Now for a word on dashes, hyphens,
em-dashes, _et cetera_. An em-dash is two, count them, --, two dashes. Not
one or three or four, but two and two only. A hyphen is but a single dash,
thus: -. Hyphens are used to splice words. Em-dashes are used to break text
when the author wishes to add an afterthought to a sentence. This means that
you should make little use of the em-dash in narrative, depending upon the
voice of the narrative. In this case, it is an acceptable thing to do, but
you MUST use two dashes not a single dash. Also, it is poor form to use two
em-dashes in a single sentence as you have done here. Personally, I would
fix the problem by replacing the em-dash after "female" with a period and
starting the next sentence with the pronoun "her". It would then read as
follows:

The cause of her ire had nothing to do with being female. Her ten years
under the curse had rather thoroughly de-sensitized her to that, but it had
everything to do with the curse. Ranma abhorred getting wet. Being wet meant
he changed and changing in public, in her experience, usually meant
alienation.
 
Notice that "in her experience" is a parenthetic phrase, delimited by
commas, not parenthesis. Thankfully, you did not indulge in the use of
parenthesis, but you neglected to employ the commas. Either commas or
parenthesis must be employed in this kind of sentence structure, commas
being the preferred method, especially in fiction writing.]
 
"'A martial artist's life is fraught with peril', he says. Feh!". Quietly
venting his displeasure with the whole situation, and the man indirectly
responsible for getting him into it,
 
 [Here, you definitely should have employed the verb said, or some variation
thereof. As written, the sentence is confusing as well as bordering on a
change in POV from that of the Omniscient Observer to that of Ranma. The
verb "exclaimed" would have worked nicely, as would have the verb "groused"
as well as several other possible synonyms of the verb "said".]
 
Ranma continued on his way. Ahead, hecould see two other girls, both wearing
the Furinkan girl's uniform, so she knew that she was at least on the right
track. 
 
[If you are going to match the gender of pronouns referring to Ranma with
Ranma's current sex, then be consistent throughout. Here, you appear to have
used a "his" where you should have used a "her", and a "he" where you should
have used a "she" given that Ranma's current sex is female. Also, there is a
space missing in "hecould".]
  
Both girls were fairly tall - an inch taller than her female form, and two
short of her male height. Probably sisters or best friends, since they
seemed to be having a mild argument. Suddenly, one of the pair raced ahead,
yelling something that wasn't quite intelligible at this distance.
 
[The phrase "two short" should probably be replaced with the phrase
"two-inches short", but that is strictly a judgment call. If more than one
reader flags this one, consider changing it accordingly. Otherwise, the
voice for this POV remains quite solid.]
 
'Oh well, better see what this was about.' When Ranma reached the school
gates, it was all over.
 
 [Without a phrase reading,  "Ranma thought", at the end of the first
sentence, we have a change in POV from that of the Omniscient Observer to
that of Ranma. Remember, the Omniscient Observer DESCRIBES all events,
including the unvoiced thoughts of the characters.]
 
The yard was littered with groaning boys, some having been smashed or flung
into the trees and walls. The girl that had raced ahead stood in front of
the main doors, staring daggers at a tall kid in kendo garb that was
declaiming something in a loud, but not loud enough, voice. Something about
dating. Whatever it was, the girl very obviously didn't like it, because she
countered by punching the guy's lights out, and stormed inside. 'What a
wierd place. I'm gonna fit right in...'
 
[weird]
 
[Use "who was declaiming" rather than "that was declaiming". Inanimate
objects cannot be said to be "declaiming", especially not declaiming in the
extemporaneous fashion that causes Kuno Tatewaki to live in infamy.
Additionally, because you meant to maintain the POV of the Omniscient
Observer, you must work the verb "thought" into Ranma's internal monologue,
or you must have him utter his thinking aloud and use the verb said or some
suitable substitute for it.]
 
Ranma made her way across the school yard, figuring she'd ask one of the
less brutally injured boys where the principal's office lay. Reaching the
stairs, she leaned down to rouse the kendoist.
  
[Be careful with the voice of this POV! Colloquialisms are not permitted
when writing in this POV. As written, this constitutes a change in POV from
the Omniscient Observer to that of Ranma.]

"Hey there. You wouldn't know the way to the principal's office, by any
chance?" she greeted him, hoping for a quick answer.
 
["Greeted" will not serve in lieu of "asked" in this context. Also, the
proper term for the practitioner of kendo is kendoka, rather than
"kendo-ist". ]
 
 No such luck, as the only thing she got when his eyes focused was drool on
her sleeve. Sighing, she drew her fist back and returned him to la la land,
since it seemed to be where he belonged.
 
[POV voice much improved here, but I think that "la la land" should probably
be written as "La-La-Land".]

'Figures I'd try to ask the school pervert for directions. Hope they're not
_all_ this way, or this'll be a _long_ year...I'd better go find the office
myself.' Dismissing the though as wishful thinking, she made her way inside
to the map on the inside wall.
 
[Failure to use the verb "thought" or some reasonable substitute for it,
therefore constituting a change in POV from that of the Omniscient Observer
to that of Ranma. You used the noun "thought", but misspelled it.]

It took Ranma a few minutes to figure out the stylized map on the wall -
someone had had fun with moving the 'you are here' marker. Nice prank. She'd
have to remember that one for future reference. Once she'd figured out her
real position, it was quick work finding the route she was after - two
floors up and round a couple of corners. Nothing major. The inside of the
building reflected the outside nicely - everything in good repair, which was
odd, given the rumors, nice and easy colors on the corridor walls, and the
floors at least in this corridor was freshly waxed. She'd been to worse
places, Ranma concluded. Which was how she found herself across a desk from
the vice principal.
 
[Author's query: Suggestions for revising the above paragraph? Specifically
the last sentence. More text in this block?]
 
[For starters, get it back into the Omniscient Observer's POV and keep it
there. The paragraph starts in the Omniscient Observer's POV, then switches
over to Ranma's POV, then back to the Omniscient Observer's POV.  Next, you
could probably replace the malformed em-dashes with periods making only
minor changes to the sentence structures involved, thereby producing much
better prose. The phrase "at least in this corridor" is a parenthetic phrase
lacking commas.]



***

[POV no longer identifiable.]

"So you're Saotome, huh? I was expecting a boy, not a girl," the
vice-principal, a middle-aged woman in a severe business dress, suspiciously
asked. Ranma sighed. 'Yet another explanation. Hope she'll take it better
than the last one.'
 
[Arrgh! Gestures, thoughts and the dialogue of two DIFFERENT characters
piled into a single paragraph! Yecch!
 
"So you're Saotome, huh?" the vice-principal asked looking and sounding
suspicious. "I was expecting a boy, not a girl."
 
Notice that I separated the question from the statement while using a
variant of the verb said.
 
Ranma gave out a sigh thinking, Yet another explanation! I hope she'll take
it better than the last one did.
 
You have been using single quotes to indicate thoughts. As a rule, single
quotes are only permitted inside a passage already enclosed by double
quotes. I know, it's a pain-in-the-neck rule, but it is a rule. It's
forgivable in this context, given that we all must deal with constraints
imposed on us by the limitations of ASCII text, but do bear it in mind
should you ever consider submitting copy to a real editor. Also realize that
such special marking does not free the writer from the necessity of using
the verb "thought" or some suitable substitute of same, especially when
writing in the Omniscient Observer's POV.]

"It's my curse. I turn into a girl when I'm splashed with cold water. Takes
hot water to turn me back," Ranma started. "I've lived with it for ten
years." Ranma hoped in vain that that would be the end of it.
 
[Ranma started at what? Did Happosai goose him from behind? "Started" in
this context does not serve as a substitute for the verb "said". In fact, it
makes the reader wonder what frightened Ranma. Also, do not, I repeat, DO
NOT agglomerate thoughts and dialogue without adequately tagging them with
the verbs thought and said. It makes for ugly, difficult to read prose. Oh,
that reminds me, POV now appears to be that of the Omniscient Observer.]

"Preposterous, at face value, but I've seen some strange things before.
Would you mind demonstrating, before I believe you?" The woman still looked
somewhat suspicious.
 
[The comma after "Preposterous" is superfluous. The agglomeration of
gesture, in this case, the state of the vice-principle's face with the
dialogue and not tagging via "said" or "asked" simply fails to catch the
mood of this scene. It is a two-sentence bit of dialogue, the first sentence
being a statement followed by a question with the two of them then being
followed by a limp description of the character's face. You could do better
and I submit that if you were in the habit of using verbs like "said" and
"asked" and "thought" you would have done better.]
 
'Damn it! Can't some people read the damned files, and *trust* them? It's
all *in* there!' Sighing dejectedly, Ranma reached out for her sac.
 
[Change in POV from the Omniscient Observer to that of Ranma. The voice of
the narrative is weak overall, mostly because the author is afraid to use
"said" or "thought" or "asked" or any other such verb that might give the
reader a clue as to what the POV might be. On the whole, this is rapidly
becoming very weak writing. Also, "sac" is generally used as an anatomical
term, rather than for an object or device in which one carries one's
belongings. I would change it to "sack".]

"Sure. Let me get my Thermos." Reaching down into her bag, Ranma pulled
forth an old military-issue hotflask. "I hope it's still warm enough..." she
said, as she unstoppered it. "No blinking!"
 
[Okay, "hotflask" does not appear in my dictionaries, even though "thermos"
does, which strikes me as an oddity because, if my memory severs me
correctly, "thermos" is actually a brand of thermal flask.  This is very
likely an American bias on the use of terms in this case. Use your own best
judgment in the matter.
 
"Unstoppered" is a clumsy term to begin with, but if you are fond of it, you
must at least hyphenate it thus, "un-stoppered". Personally, I'd dump
"un-stoppered" in any form and use "pulled the stopper" instead. Replace the
ellipsis after "enough" with a comma. The agglomeration of dialogue and
action works okay here.]

Pouring the water over herself, Ranma gained three inches of height, 30 or
so pounds of bone and muscle, and lost some very prominent body fat. The
weight gain caused a groan, as Ranma realized he'd forgotten to loosen the
drawstring at his waist first. The facial bones shifted slightly, giving the
previously female face a very distinctly male aspect.

[POV now belongs to the Omniscient Observer.]

"The change itself is no big deal, to me," Ranma explained to the now
slack-jawed, but recovering, vice-principal. "I've lived with this since I
was a kid - I know the way everything works, no surprises. The only really
bad part is the damned trigger - I keep getting splashed at the worst
moments. I hate being wet."
 
[Replace the malformed em-dashes with periods and correct the sentence
structure accordingly. Oddly enough, I would replace the comma after "works"
with an em-dash. That seems to be the one place in this paragraph where the
use of one is actually required.]

"In other words, no use keeping it a secret." Ranma shook his head
empathically.
 
[POV now very iffy again. Dialogue agglomerated without tagging with Ranma's
gesture serving no good purpose that I can discern. Worse, Ranma's statement
comes off as a complete non-sequiter. The next line of dialogue by Ranma
seems to be in answer to something said by the vice-principal, but her line
of dialogue appears to be missing.]
 
"I've tried that. It only gets people mad when they find out. Especially the
girls. On the other hand, going public invites its own kind of hell." The
woman in front of him made sympathetic noises.
 
[Dialogue by Ranma agglomerated into the same paragraph with the gestures of
the vice-principle. Using "said", at least in the draft phase of a yarn
helps you maintain proper control of POV, and to avoid this kind of ugly
prose. You can always go back and delete the excessive uses of the verb
said, but losing control over POV requires major repair work. Further, in a
scene wherein' there are only two characters, it is usually possible to
write several pages of dialogue without a single use of the verb said, but
you must be both careful and consistent with paragraph breaks to do it. This
means getting the gestures, actions, thoughts grouped into paragraphs by
CHARACTER, and not as a means to conserve white space. ]

"I can imagine." Ranma stifled another groan, this one having nothing to do
with physical discomfort. That line had been used way too often, and never
with sincerity. 'No, you can't.'
 
[Did the vice-principal say "I can imagine" or did Ranma say it? I had to
read this twice before I figured it out. Not good for the flow of a story.
Worse, you have grouped the gestures, noises and thoughts of Ranma in with
the dialogue VOICED by the vice-principal.]
 
"Yeah." Ranma continued, shaking his head. "Since going public is the only
real option, how do we play it? I'd rather let my own class know right away,
but then the rumor mill will have it all out by the end of the day."
 
[Ranma continued? The last line of dialogue uttered was spoken by the
vice-principal, not Ranma. The last thing we "heard" from Ranma was what
Ranma thought. So how is it Ranma "continued" instead of Ranma said?]
 
"Are you sure that's the best idea? We could make a public announcement
tomorrow morning." Ranma shook his head again.
 
[Okay, this is the vice-principal speaking, but you have Ranma's responsive
gesture jammed onto the end of the vice-principal's dialogue, thus
misleading the reader into thinking that it was Ranma who said, "Are you
sure that's the best idea"--at least, that's what I think you did. I am
rather confused at the moment.]

"No, that would make the first impression a lie, and everyone would be angry
at me. I can handle the rumors, and anyone trying to take advantage is in
for a rude surprise," Ranma explained determinedly.
 
[Okay, finally! Here I can tell that it is Ranma speaking. "Explained
determinedly" clanks upon the mind's ear, but at least I can tell that it
was Ranma speaking.]
 
"Ah, yes. Your martial arts skills. We've got plenty of martial artists on
the premises, although none quite as far ahead as you. Fifth Dan in Kempo?
And Third in Aikido?" the teacher inquired.

"That's when I was last tested, two years ago. I've got a First or Dan
ranking in a couple of other styles as well, as well as my family style,"
Ranma expounded. The teacher looked suitably impressed.
 
[Very confusing use of "First" and "Dan". "Dan" means, roughly translated
"level", but it is the first level above that of the many levels achieved by
rank beginners. I would use "Dan" alone rather than the phrase "First or
dan". Also, your WP capitalized "dan" for you.]

"The Musabetsu Kakuto? Actually, we've got another practitioner of that
style here - and she'll be in your class, from what it looks like. Tendo
Akane." At this, Ranma lit up. He'd thought the style mostly dead except for
his own family.

[Once again, you have the reactions of one character tacked onto the end of
the dialogue of another character. You have used a malformed em-dash where
there is no readily apparent need for an em-dash. A comma would have done
the job. You have a two or three sentence dialogue by one character,
consisting of a question and at least one, possibly two statements,
depending upon how you correct the grammar, with no dialogue tags. The use
of the verb "asked" is all but mandatory here.]
 
"Really? What, my class?" Ranma mentally reviewed what he'd seen of the
morning fight. "She wouldn't happen to be about this tall, with slightly
bluish black hair, would she?" The vice-principal nodded. "I saw her this
morning. Hmm...that explains the bruising I saw on some of the boys this
morning."

[Thoughts, dialogue and gestures of two different characters jammed together
in a single paragraph without dialogue tagging to help the reader sort it
out. It first reads as though the vice-principal is claiming to have seen
Akane fight that morning, but upon a second reading, the reader finally
realizes that it is Ranma making that statement. A third reading reveals
that it was the vice-principal after all. NUTS!]


After that, the discussion turned to matters more mundane, and fifteen
minutes later Ranma was standing outside his new homeroom, rehearsing the
greeting he'd decided on for his new classmates.



***



"Today, class, we have a new student, transferred from Kolhotz High. Say
hellow to Saotome Ranma!" With more nervousness than he'd ever admit to,
Ranma surveyed the classroom. There in the corner was the girl he'd seen
outside, Tendo Akane. She looked slightly suspicious - well, she had that
right, since the only empty desk was next to hers. Drawing a deep breath,
Ranma took out his thermos and bottle, and started his explanation.
 
[Use "Hello" or "Hallo" instead of "hellow". POV established with the
Omniscient Observer. Change in scene wants for a better transition. Replace
the period after "explanation" with a comma, then begin Ranma's speech on
the same line with "Hello, I'm Saotome Ranma..."]

"Hello, I'm Saotome Ranma, and I've got some things to tell you before class
continues. You see, ten years ago, when me and my Pop were in China, I got a
curse..."
 
Five minutes, four changes, and a tersely worded explanation of the
circumstances surrounding the curse, the classroom was quiet. The Tendo girl
had a strange expression, like she had to concentrate very hard to keep her
scowl, and the rest of the class was busy hoisting up their fallen jaws from
the bottomless pits at their feet. And then the questions started.
 
[Replace "like" with "as though". This is the improper use of the word
"like". I would replace "and the rest" with "while the rest", but that is
strictly a judgment call. ]

"What's it feel like? Does it hurt?" So far so good, these he could handle.
But...
 
[Paragraph breaks! Paragraph breaks! Geez! Read this and see if it doesn't
make better sense:
 
"What's it feel like?" someone asked.
 
"Does it hurt?" asked another.
 
So far, so good, Ranma thought. These kinds of questions he could handle,
but...
 
"Are you a virgin?" someone shouted. That was followed by a loud guffaw.
 
Damn! I knew there'd be a pervert in the class, Ranma thought as the
questions rapidly became even more embarrassing and even more personal.
Ranma struggled through it all for several minutes, somehow managing to keep
his cool, when the same kid that had asked if he were a virgin shouted,
"What's it like to beat off as a girl? Do ya like that better?"
 
The air around Ranma began to writhe and shimmer, as though some invisible
living thing had suddenly coiled around him. In fact, a living thing had
coiled around him. It was his battle aura flaring to life. For the first
time his advanced training had taken over without Ranma ever realizing it or
thinking of invoking it, He was now producing a visible manifestation of his
ki.  Inhaling from the soles of his feet, Ranma took in a huge breath of air
and bellowed, "Si-i-i-ile-e-ence!"
 
The Saotome boy's voice, unimaginably deep and laden with ki, roared like
the storm-grey sea. The windows of the classroom rattled and buzzed. One of
them even cracked. Everyone in the classroom, except for the Tendo girl,
visibly winced. Akane, for her part, merely widened her eyes in appreciation
of Ranma's feat. Somewhere, in the deep recesses of his mind, an approval
stamp went "clunk", labeling the Tendo girl as one of the few females he
knew about who was worthy of further interest and study. The forepart of
Ranma's mind was, at present, concerned with other, rather more pressing
matters, such as scaring some perverted asshole completely shitless.
 
-----------------------------------------------

It's late, so I am going to skip down to your questions, Sebastian.]

[Tell me this isn't hideously overdone?
 
NO! If anything, it is a bit too sedate for a Ranma 1/2 story.
 
Again, suggestions for names are appreciated, since I'm really, really bad
at them. The worst case scenario being everyone's called 'hey you' or I
start stealing from other anime...
 
I have found that the Japanese newspapers are a veritable goldmine of names
for the cross-cultural writer. Go to Google and run a search for "Japanese
Newspapers",  and it will return several good URL's. ]


I need some help with "girly" reactions - I know very well how guys react to
a pretty girl, but I have no experience with girl talk - please?
 
[Sorry, Mate. I haven't the plumbing for that job. Several of the ladies on
FFML are real dears if you are nice to them, though.]
 
Oh yeah - guess the name of the guy who got Ranma kicked out of the last
school...
 
[Mikado Sanzenin, who else?]
 
So far, I have found this to be an interesting story, Sebastian. Your
technique needs a bit of polish in spots, but that is why we all participate
here, right? I learned great deal by submitting my work to FFML for review.
Much of what I learned, I used on your piece this evening.
 
Hang in there! It gets better with time and practice,
 
Don Granberry.




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