Comments@@





"C. Jones" <guilty@furinkan.net> wrote:

<SNIP>

  "I think that further conversation is going to have to wait,"
Michiru noted. Haruka looked on curiously.

  "Uhh..." Artemis sweatdropped.

@@ Eeeeee! That knocked me right out of the
story. No 'sweatdropped" please. ^_*
@@@@

  "YEEEOOWWWLLLLLOOOHITHURTS!" Luna screamed.

  "Uhm," Minako noted, a sardonic smile rapidly creeping over
the top of her brooding expression. "I think we better call Ami."

  "DOOOOSOMETHING!!" Luna complained, sinking both sets of
front claws into Artemis's side.

  Unprotesting, the white cat fawned nervously over his mate.
"What's wrong, Luna? Are you hurt? Did you injure yourself?"

@@Having had cats do similar things to me (I've still
got scars on both hands, among other injuries)
I'd think Artemis would have a wee bit more reaction.
@@@@

<SNIP>

@@Now, the following fight scene is the only real problem
I have with this story.
@@@@

  "Ami's already on her way," Venus informed her. "Where's
Cobalt?"

* * *



  "PUT KELLY DOWN NOW, LEAD!" Cobalt screamed, her fist raised
to attack.

<SNIP> most of the fight.

  The darkness began to swirl around her as her consciousness
faded. The last thing she saw before passing out were the retreating
shadows and, concealed within them, a pair of glinting eyes and a
glowing green scar.

- - -

~to be concluded

----------
* * *
@@@@@

I had REAL difficulty figuring out who was doing
what. VERY confusing. I had to read through the
fight several times and make notes. You need
to add more identifiers to dialogue to make clear
who is speaking. More narrative, to flesh out the
dialogue. 

Excellent story as always. Great characterization,
exciting storyline. A GREAT read.

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