Comments@@
I'll skip my 'disclaimer' since
you've already got a copy. ^_O

I'm sorry to hear you're having
problems. I hope things have
worked themselves out.



"R E" <ranma_e@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hi all,

Well, here is chapter 8 - the first draft, at least.  Due to some
unfortunate personal circumstances I haven't been able to dedicate as much
time to this as I would have liked, and I somewhat rushed the ending.  I'm
very open to suggestions for improvement, as I'm guessing it will be a
revised version that becomes the final chapter 8.  Still, I'm pretty pleased
with the chapter.  It's a bit longer than the previous chapters, but not too
long.  :)

I hope you enjoy it.  As always, previous chapters are available at
http://ten.waxwolf.com , and C&C is very welcome.

@@Disclaimer?
And, put author notes at the end.
@@@@

@@The ending is just fine.
The beginning is a bit rough
@@@@

               = = = =
                T E N

            A Ranma 1/2  Fanfic

               By  R. E.
            (ranma_e@hotmail.com)

            Illustrations by Irka
            (irka@ciudad.com.ar)
               = = = =

              CHAPTER EIGHT
              "Tomorrow"
             = = = = = = = =

One thought, and one thought alone, struck Akane as she opened her eyes.
The sunlight streamed through the window, reflecting off the ceiling and
dazzling her eyes; the sounds of the birds and the rustling of trees filled
her ears; the cotton blankets wrapped around her enveloped her skin in
their warmth - and yet, the thought persisted.

Gods, it's quiet.

She sat up slowly, clutching her forehead as a stinging headache whipped
across her mind, its touch briefly excruciating.  She blinked, wincing at
the pain, and then it was gone, leaving behind a vague fuzziness.  The
memory of dozens of voices calling to her washed over her mind and, for a
moment, she imagined she could hear them again.  Just as quickly as they
appeared, however, the voices vanished into silence, leaving Akane alone.

Alone?

No, that was not entirely true.  The sounds of speech were gone, but Akane
could still hear something, a vague whisper, the ghost of a voice, the
warmth of breath upon her ear, almost 

@@Not _quite_ purple prose, but certainly shading toward lavender.
Tone it down just a smidgen.
@@@@

<SNIP> Good stuff. I'd trim it by about 30 words, (any 30) 

just to tighten it up. BUT, that's very much IMO.
@@@@

Akane watched the redheaded girl for a time, suddenly aware of just how
small she was.  The bed had barely shifted as Ranma lowered her weight onto
it, and as she slouched forward it became apparent just how tiny she was.
Where once Ranma had seemed to tower, ever confident, over her, Akane now
found herself silently looking down upon this frail, weary-looking person,
a girl who looked little more than a child.

@@RANMA: "OK already. I shop at Junior Miss! Sheesh. Gimme a break."
@@@@

"What do you remember?" Ranma asked, turning her head to look at Akane.
Her eyes were dull and, despite her youthful appearance, Akane saw in that
moment the toll that eight-hundred-and-ninety-four years of life had taken
on Ranma.  She had never seen the Saotome girl looking so tired before.

"I, uh," Akane stammered, trying to tear her eyes from Ranma's, "I remember
talking to Happosai, about ... about ...."

"About what?" Ranma prompted, turning and raising one leg up to rest on the
bed.  Her eyes bore into Akane, quiet apprehension giving way to restless
curiosity as she waited on the Tendo girl's next word.

"Dragons," Akane finished, her voice dreamy, the word barely more than a
whisper.  She looked up at the ceiling, mulling the word over for a time,
mouthing it silently as if trying it out.  Her mouth drew closed as she
lowered her gaze to look once again at Ranma.  She smiled, almost
laughed.  "Dragons."

@@GOOD!
@@@@

<SNIP>

@@Basically the dialogue is good, but needs more narrative
to help build a word picture. At most, you might trim the
story a bit, just to make it faster paced.
@@@@

@@you might add a short bit about Ukyou to remind the reader
of why she holds such animosity toward Ranma.
@@@@

<SNIP>

@@I thought the ending was very good.
Again, you _could_ trim it a tad, to make it faster paced.
Good overall, if a bit uneven. Some parts VERY good,
others suffered from a surfeit of adjectives or
insufficient narrative to balance the dialogue.

I've re-read this chapter a couple of times, trying to figure
out what bothers me about it and I _think_ I've found it.

1)Dialogue heavy. It's GOOD dialogue, but I'd prefer
more narrative.
OR perhaps replacing some of the dialogue.
 so there's not so much of an imbalance.

2)SLOW paced. This chapter seemed to move much more slowly
than the last one. 

I suggest editing, cut the chapter by about 10-15%.
That would probably take care of pacing and
dialogue/narrative imbalance

However this is a VERY subjective feeling on my part.

Good story, well thought out with
well developed plot and interesting characterization. 
(Just add a reminder about Ukyou to bring
readers up to speed.)




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