BJO Speedwagon wrote:

Gotta love these terms of endearment. ^_^

&&&[Begin Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part Three!!!]

Funky mists

If your story leads off with a word like 'Funky' you know it ain't going
to be serious.

True. Of course, a lot of people look at the "From" header
and come to the same conclusion. ^_^

"Yeah, stupid fairies," Professor Kalypsoe groaned and turned
over, still trying to catch a few zees after not having slept a wink
in the past couple weeks. "Never let me get any rest." He held his
head. "@#$^#@ buzzing and your @^@#$^& Swiss accent..."

"Eet'z FRENCH!" Dementoe protested, his eyes aflame behind his
goggles.

I wonder what a Swiss accent even sounds like.

I have no idea, actually. Unless it's a Swedish acennt. But
no, that's Sweden. Switzerland's famous for watches and
chocolate, not accents.

On the other hand, Sweden's known for its accents and its blondes. ^_^

"Daymans?!" Chidisye screeched, bits of the phone falling out
from between her fingers. "Aye don't need none a' dat hokey-pokey
funky voo-doo junk! Me n' mah guyz can handle wotevah you wants us ta
due, right, boyz!?" She turned toward her companions.

Kalypsoe snored while Dementoe shrugged.

See? They agree.

Basically. Whatever cosmic twist of fate tossed this trio together
is beyond me.

"So tell me wot'chew wants done, Doc!" Chidisyte blared,
enthusiastically munching on a chilled carrot stick. "We c'n take
it!"

"I want you to find those of pure heart to bring in so we can
drain their lifeforce, thereby allowing us to spawn daimons."

Find hookers, like the one in Pretty Woman.

Yeah, but this is the SM universe. Where are we...

Oh, that's right. They're all like that in the SM-verse. ^_^

Chidisyte grabbed her drowsy subordinate as he slid to the
floor and lifted him up by the back of his collar before tossing him
in front of the lockers. "C'mon, 'Lypsie! This ain't the time ta be
fallin' asleep! We got work ta do!"

Heh. He'll eventually snap from lack of sleep.

Probably. Lack of sleep can do a lot to people.

Whistling calmly, Doctor Dementoe saved his data, waited a
couple of minutes for the little light to go off on the 8-inch
floppy drive,

Ohhh. That gives me such flashbacks.

Like when they finally made 5 1/4 the standard? Ahh, the
days of the lightning-fast, ultra gaming machine: the IBM
PCjr...

*Click!* The metal door swung open and the girl put away her
white labcoat, showing off her bright red spandex outfit underneath,
then grabbed one of her ultra-high-caliber gatling guns. She paused
in thought for a little while, then snatched a couple chains of
special, non-lethal rubber ammunition before closing the large
storage unit.

A hundred rubber rounds hitting you at a rate of 5000 per minute is still
lethal. :)

I changed it to "marginally-less-than-lethal" ammunition. ^_^

But this is a weird, nonsensical dream sequence with odd portents,
so it's bound to be off in a few spots.

Dementoe scratched his head. "Zherrie Lewiss?"

Eminem

Oooh! Good one!

	The three Deathbusters looked at each other for a while.

	"Like, Madonna?" Kalypsoe suggested.

	Dementoe scratched his head. "Zherrie Lewiss?"

	"Or Eminem?"

	"Naaaaah," Subcomandante Chidisyte said, dismissing the others'
suggestions with a wave of her hand, "wot we need is someone with,
like, a -really- pure heart."

"I met this nice girl in Elementary School," Kalypsoe
whispered, looking up and putting a hand to his chin, "I thought she
was kind of pure."

"Do jhuu rrrrremember vhere she lives?" Dementoe asked.

"All I remember is the name I called her," Kalypsoe admitted,
brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes, "which was Chibi-Susa.

Oh. Now that's evil.

I have no idea why this crew got dropped in. Maybe the mysterious
program that got the SIs there had a huge bug that tried to make
past lives for 'em, but failed miserably.

Kalypsoe and Dementoe looked at each other, then faced the
pink-haired young woman. "Keiichi Morisato?" they asked in unison.

That could work.

Watch the trio get trashed by three Norse goddesses doing a combo
move. ^_^

Chidisyte slapped her forehead. "Hey! Wake up, Lypsie!" She
walked over and picked him up by the shirt with one hand and started
to shake him around violently. "HEY! Darkylocks! Get'cher hiney in
gear n' get up here right now!" She shook him around some more. "Quit
countin' sheep, maaan! Way-kuuuup!"

*KERACK!* Suddenly, one of Professor Kalypsoe's shoulders popped
out of its socket from the force of the girl's hold.

Ouch.

For some reason, Chidisyte just ended up with stupidly excessive
strength.

"Huh? Whaaaat?" the little girl with a puffy pink cotton-candy
hairstyle asked sleepily, glancing around, her head still resting on
her arms on the top of the small desk.

The little boys and girls around her giggled mockingly.

That's the only giggle they know. :)

I'd be willing to believe that. It's the one most commonly
heard by children that age. ^_^

"Umm-hmm?"

"Fourty-two!"

Forty-two

Oops! I keep messing that one up. Fixed it.

"Think harder," the teacher urged. "It's right under your nose."

What? A bad case of hairlip?

Hmm... Could work.

	"Think harder," the teacher urged. "It's right under your nose."

	"What? A bad case of hairlip?"

	"No, it's something else. Very obvious."

	Chibiusa hunkered down, deep in thought.

	"Waaaaait," the girl finally said, narrowing her eyes as she
suddenly recognized the paradox. "This isn't a math class! It's a
SCULPTING class!!!"

Whaddaya know? It worked. ^_^

"Waaaaait," the girl finally said, narrowing her eyes as she
suddenly recognized the paradox. "This isn't a math class! It's a
SCULPTING class!!!"

Heh.

Ben's very good at math, but he misses very obvious things.

"I can't believe you signed us up for this #$^@#^ sculpting
class!" Jason screamed at Ben in annoyance as he floated along in
Chibiusa's mental ether. "We're @$^#$&#$ SUPPOSED to be finding a
way outta here, REMEMBER?!"

"Hey!" Ben replied. "I gotta broaden my horizons, don't I?"

I wrote a fic with a title like that once. It was not an SI. :)

Speaking of which, DB, when are you going to write an SI?

And if you did, what series would it be in? (I get this funny
image of someone trying to outdo Heero Yui...)

"It was supposed to have this way to amplify any character's
strength and power up to a hundred times on top of their maxed-out
status. Then there was this thing that they had in alpha testing for
copying attacks from other series just by calling out its name."

Heh

If someone makes a difficult program, the next thing to come out
is always the cheat codes.

"She goes to Mugen Gakuen," Ben noted in thought as the clay
began to take shape under Chibiusa's fingers. It was starting to look
a bit like a charicature of a seal.

Urk!

The ArbyFish was a puppeted stuffed animal persona before it made
fanfic stardom. My younger brother invented it, actually.

We've got a few more:

Mylar -- a chronically depressed white harp seal

"Oh dear, it's so depressing..."

Lepardu -- a creature that speaks with an African/Indian accent...

"Hmm. No hunting-du, no eating-du, no shaving-du. What Du-du?"

Esteban -- the polar opposite of Mylar.

"'Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! I'm puffy! And fuzzy. Love me!"

Chocoleto: A smaller, black version of Lepardu. Can only
speak in high-pitched Japanese.

Choco: Chocoleto-san desu!

Me: Uh, no, Choco, you don't give yourself a suffix--

Choco: Chocoleto-SAN desu!


The dozen or more ArbyFish varieties are just icing on the
cake. Feel relieved that you haven't had to endure the
rest. Yet. ^_-

"Or," Ben added enthusiastically, "there's a pink spore at the
door. Should we let her in, or leave her to sprout on the mat?"

"Oh, okay, I get it now," Chibiusa replied with a high level of
feigned comprehension.

I almost feel sorry for CU.

Sort of like little sisters who beg to be brought along by older
siblings to a mosh pit. Chibiusa doesn't quite get it, but she's
not about to admit she doesn't know. ^_^

If Usagi were stuck in her head, Chibiusa would see no end to
inner teasing... However, she reacts very differently to complete
strangers.

One beautiful morning at the Tsukino residence, a triad of
minds was faced with a dilemma.

"Chibiusa!" Usagi called impatiently from the bathroom. "Are
you going to bathe today, or what?!"

Yep. That would be a delemma.

I don't want to see Chibiusa naked. How about you?

Hmm. Mark Doherty once wrote a scene like that, and it involved
tentacle demons... but the demons nearly went blind and couldn't
stomach looking at women anymore after that. ^_^;;;

Speaking of which, I tried to get into contact with MD, but it
looks like he's gone. I'll have to track him down sometime.
(With a ninja? Naah. Too inefficient.)

*WHAM!!!* With Chibiusa's head imbedded deeply into the wall,
Jason lost consciousness, leaving Ben in control.

Heh. Yep. That might work.

There's a perfect solution to every problem. ^_^

"YOW!" Ben yelped. He yanked the child's face out of the
impression and sat down, panting heavily. "Now that you mention it,"
he said after a moment, "that's not such a bad idea!"

Chibiusa realized what was going on. "No, don't--"

*THWACK!!!* This time, the girl's head broke through the
sheet rock and hit hard against the supports beneath.

Hehehehe.

Nothing like a little Chibiusa-bashing, eh? ^_^

Usagi walked in, wearing a bathrobe. Her jaw dropped at the
scene before her. "Umm, Chibiusa? Why is your head stuck in the
wall?!"

"I, uh, tripped?" The little girl tried to pull her head out,
but did not succeed. "Can you help me please, Usagi?"

And that would work on Usagi too.

Even though she's the invincible title character, she doesn't
get a lot of things. ^_^

*Crash!* Some boy slipped on a piece of wet clay, accidentally
throwing a very heavy metal tray full of clay into the air, which
promptly dropped its center of gravity directly onto Chibiusa's right
foot.

"@#$^#$&@#$&@#^&@^!!!" Jason yelled and grimaced in pain. He
pulled Chibiusa's foot out from under the pile of materials and
hopped around on one foot while holding the other. "WOULD YOU !@$!@#%
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE !@@#^^&@^&@ GOING, YOU @#$^#&@^#^&@@#^%@!##$ KID!"

Oh, that will go over real well.

Still, it'll take a while for everyone to realize that the spore's
possessed. ^_^

"His father and grandfather were sailors," Ben explained. "What
were yours?"

"My mommy was a Sailor," Chibiusa replied.

Hehehehe.

Different kind of sailor, but close enough. ^_^

"She never said

anything like that." She thought about that. "Well, only that one
time when I was hugging Mamoru a while back."

Double heh.

Usagi got very eloquent when her relationship with Mamoru seemed
threatened. ^_^

"Good. Come down to the lab when you are ready. I want to show
you something."

Eudial nodded. "Of course, Professor." She put down the phone
and buried her face in her hands in frustration. "My drivers'
license!"

That might do it. :)

That info's usually enough to hunt people down. ^_^

"Nah," Jason replied. "It's @#$@#^%@! GREAT either way.
Especially if we're just gonna use it for making chicken right now."

"I can't believe you guys did this," Chibiusa muttered. "What
if Ikuko-mama and Kenji-papa find out about it?"

Offer them some.

Precisely.

"Okay, guys, you found my stash... BLOCK PARTY!!!"

After all, it's not nice to be unwilling to share. ^_^

"Well, maybe YOU'd only need one six-pack, but I need extra:
I've been under some serious pressure lately!"

"Like the day you came with me to this fantasy?" Ben asked.
"Honestly, self-inserting under the influence? What were you
thinking?!"

With about a .20 BAC.

Probably one of the reasons why they ended up where they did.
More beta-testing will obviously be required. ^_^

The clerk--a twenty-eight-year-old male with a Moe-style
haircut, square glasses, and a cynical look about him

What? Not an Apu clone?

Nah, Apu's too nice to hypnotize. We needed some jerk for
everyone to get mad at. ^_^

came to Chibiusa's face. "Right." He held out a hand. "Luna-P." In a
puff of pinkish smoke, the balloon turned into a multicolored
umbrella. He caught it and opened it up, starting to twirl it while
staring directly into the man's eyes. "You don't need to see my
identification."

Big swirls appeared in the clerk's eyes and he stumbled
backward a little. "I don't need to see your identification..."

My, it actually worked.

Works on the masses... But not some shopkeepers.

"Pegasuses

Pegasai is the plural, I believe.

Correct.

are cute," Chibiusa noted, blissfully unaware of

the fact that the proper way to say it would be 'pegasi.' "

Nevermind.

Some children don't know that until they get yelled at in
their sophomore English class. ^_^

Eudial glanced around furitively, expecting, at any moment, an
arm to wrap around her neck, a hand to clap itself over her mouth,
and someone to whisper sharp threats into her ear.

This, of course, is exactly what happened.

Which means she hasn't been taken by surprise, and can now attack.

Sort of. That's the funny thing about being panicky: even if you
expect something, that doesn't mean you'll react properly.

"Do you, ah, think Neo-Queen Serenity really sent Chibiusa back
because she was going crazy in the future?" Minako suggested while
fixing the bow in her hair.

Hehehe.

'Cause that's what it's looking like to them.

Finally, Ben decided to break the monotony and ask, "So, when
were we supposed to meet with Haruka and Michiru?"

"Oh, probably a few hours ago," Jason replied. "Why?"

"No reason," Ben said, while a van with Uranus, Neptune, and
Eudial struggling inside sped by.

Heh

It was either cut away and have them sneeze, or just have 'em
show up.

"This girl was being very rude to me," Kaolinite said, fingering
her face. "Aside from insulting me, she shot off explosives right in
front of my face!"

"Wow, you did?" Hotaru asked, grinning at her smaller friend
before looking back up at Kaolinite. "That's wonderful! You look so
much better with all that soot on you. Kind of like a puppy."

I really don't want to know.

Hotaru REALLY doesn't like Kaolinite. ^_^

Suddenly, the man blinked and turned to look at the door.

"I didn't back out; I was committed," Jussi muttered before
turning back to the window. "And I still think I got the better part
of the deal."

Prolly

I wanted to get Jussi dumped in as an SI character somewhere, but
he wasn't _that_ interested, so he sent me this scene. Thanks, Jussi!

"I had hoped you would," Hotaru beamed, and laughed softly. It
certainly was nice to have a friend that could understand her, she
reflected. Chibiusa could probably empathize with her frail health
and occasional seizures, since she suffered from them as well.

Heh

There's some kind of deep, bonding friendship that forces itself
between Chibiusa and Hotaru.

Little Miss Death Star meets the Sugar Baby. Inn'at so cute? ^_^

Chibimoon noticed a row of tall lockers to her left. One
of them had been recently opened, emptied, and left that way.
She quickly climbed in and closed it as silently as she could.

Surely

Sure

I think it can work either way, but I'll go with your suggestion.

"Sure enough" vs. "surely enough."

Chibimoon climbed under the railing and slid soundlessly
behind a strewn pile of steel drums before making her way across
the room. However, as she tried to sneak by, she tripped over a
fallen camera tripod. "Ow!"

Oops

Even though the raid had to succeed, it couldn't go off without
any hitch at all, y'know.

The girl found it and activated the device.

"@#%^@! It didn't blow up," Jason muttered angrily.

That would be a bad thing at the moment.

For Chibiusa, at least. ^_^

"@#$^^@^#!" Jason cursed, then dove for the lockers, but
the one that Chibiusa had used before had closed and locked itself
again.

Oops/

Two to three major snags hit in a low-chance-of-success plan
usually makes it passable.

Sailor Chibimoon grasped the Fire Buster's nozzle and pointed
it into the open passageway, and pulled the trigger, shouting,
"HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN' LOVE!!!"

*BLAAAM!!!* The blast scored a direct hit on Kaolinite's back,
knocking her deeper into the lab and melting away a goodly portion
of the entranceway before the secret door slid shut.

One would think it melted a good portion of her as well.

She's a villain. Heavy-duty resistance to everything. She once
took a hit from the big Planet Attack combo move from the Senshi
and was barely staggered.

So... Anyone STILL want me to continue this? ^_^

Yep. T'was good fun to read and want to see more. Nice chaos being done

up

right and proper.

Woo-hoo! Glad to hear it turned out well. I can never tell right off
the bat, since a lot of humor is hit-and-miss.

Fortunately, it seems, the shotgun spread effect managed to strike
a few chords here and there from people. ^_^

Thanks for reviewing it, DB! I appreciate it!

This is one of the reasons I keep writing: realizing that other
people actually like it. I'd imagine you're a little like that,
too, DB.

Looking forward seeing the comedy you'll dump into the next
part of your stuff. BTW, "Yard Work" got so much funnier after
I had the chance to see the Gundam Wing movie. ^_^

Until later, then!

----------------------
Benjamin A Oliver
boliver@U.Arizona.EDU
http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html

        "We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
         We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
         Your humor will adapt to make us laugh.
         Resistance is and always has been: Futile."


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