[FFML] Re: [Ranma][fanfic][revised] Ten

WOW!
I'm going to skip my new generic C&C disclaimer on this one. It would be longer than the C&C.

1)start is kind of choppy. Languge in dialogue/narrative is stiff and unnatural.
2)Plot is intricate and VERY well thought out.
3)Narrative/plot start to smooth out when you get to Happosai. Could stand a bit of work, still too formal in language and sprase Narrative.
4)WOW!!!!
When you get to Akane "awakening"
Beautiful, breathtaking. I got chills reading it.
One of the best things I've EVER read ANYWHERE!!!
5)Everything past that is very good. I'd like to see more narrative to flesh out the dialogue. Good, but could be a lot better if not so sparse with description. And some of the dialogue could be edited or cut. Not bada, but either more narrative or less dialogue.

Quite frankly, this is good overall, but the Akane awakening bit is so
brilliant, and the story line is so original . . .I suggest you STOP writing this as a fanfic and do it as an original story for publication. It's got a LOT of potential. And anyone who can write something like that bit with Akane should be getting royalty checks.

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