Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding
writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spend on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.
##########################################################

Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:

Sequel to "The Great Mystery"

Disclaimer: Tenchi is the Property of Pioneer, Metroid of Nintendo. No money 
is being made from this and no such intent should be inferred.

C&C, public or private is welcome. I respond to all C&C...eventually.

************************
"The key to success?
Work hard, stay focused
and marry a Kennedy."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

@@It's funny, and I like it.
But it doesn't set the mood for SF&F.
You might want to look for a similar 
quote about marriage from a similar source.
Something Chinese or Japanese or Indian.
@@@@

"What?" Princess Ayeka demanded. "What do you mean, he has to marry her? 
She's not even of noble rank!"

"Um yes," said the man seated across from the enraged Princess. He was small and skinny, dressed in an ill-fitting robe and his hair appeared to have been  attacked by a crazed weed whacker. "However, the fact remains is that Prince Kinshoue is a direct descendant of the Emperor's Alpha Line, while you and Princess Sasami are of the Beta Line. As both the Prince and Lord Misaki have foresworn their claims to the throne, it falls to the Prince. But in order to legitamize his claim, Lord Misaki must marry the mother."

@@Nice hook. It's a little confusing who is being talked about, especially
at the end.
 "As both the Prince and Lord Misaki . . . it falls to the Prince."
Same "Prince" or different? And if different, who are they?
"Lord Misaki must marry the mother." Who's mother? Who IS the mother?
@@@@

This is one of the pitfalls of writing. As author, you know exactly who
everyone is and don't realize when you haven't given enough information.
In addition, in fanfiction, you've got to balance boring the reader and 
confusing them. 
@@@@

The duo looked over to where a brown-skinned blond-haired woman was seated in a chair, cooing softly to a squirming bundle in her arms. Behind her chair,two upright logs hovered protectivly off the ground.

@@You need a better description than "logs"
@@@@

"And she is of noble blood...of a sort," he continued. "Her grandfather is 
the GP Comissioner

@@GP = Galaxy Police? Better to state explicitly the first time.
Then use shorthand GP
@@@@ 

 and one of the most highly decorated war heros. It was his 

unit that led the supression of the Protoss Uprising. The Royal Bloodline 
would not suffer."

"That's entirely beside the point," Ayeka said, glowering. "Peerage aside, the child was concieved entirely on accident because she's too stupid to tell the difference between a bottle of lotion and a...ah...a sp....a DNA sample and moreso, she's a klutz. If she marries into the family, she will embarass us all."

@@OK, you need to change description of how "she" got pregnant just a bit.
I'm afraid my mind boggles at the idea someone could manage to mistake
a "DNA sample" for lotion. (And, btw, there's a difference between a DNA
sample and a sperm sample. They look different, though it's possible
that this is not so in the future. I'd just like a little something different.
As written, the idea of mistaking a bottle  of lotion with a sperm sample and getting pregnant just killed my suspension of disbelief) 
The first thing that comes to mind is that 
"She" messes up a computer input before or during a doctor visit. Due to this the computer instructs the doctor (living or computerized) to impregnate her.
Perhaps a misunderstanding between "innoculate" and "inseminate" or
"impregnate"? 
@@@@

"Be that as it may, highness, your father is reaching the end of his term. A heir must be declared." Ayeka's eyes narrowed. To prevent the corruption offered by the immense power and long life that being the imperial ruler bestowed, each Emperor was limited to a thousand years on the throne before they had to step down in favor of their heir. This limit was enforced by the very Trees themselves who can and had withdrawn their power. "If no heir is declared, the Royal Council can choose a sucessor as per the terms of the Constitution." Ayeka stared at the tabletop. The Constitution was an agreement between the people, the Emperor and the Trees of Jurai to prevent abuses of power.

@@Not bad. I'd like more description of the "Trees" and less about the
Constitution. (The last line could be deleted. It seems pretty self evident from what has gone before)
@@@@

"He is not even old enough to rule..." She said softly looking back up. "He is a newborn and she is a Melcon, she won't even let him out of her sight until he is a year old. Her instincts won't allow it. How is the child supposed to undergo the bonding process with the Trees if she is unwilling to let him go?"

@@Good again. But who is "he"? Need more description on that point. Maybe::

  "But, 'she' is a Melcon." Ayeka said softly. "Her instincts won't allow
her to let the young prince out of her sight until he is a year old. And if the prince is not released to bond with the Trees, he will never be able to rule."
@@@@

Not the only way. But, first put 'she' in quotes (or something, *she*?) so the reader can keep track of which "she" you're talking about. Then replace "he" with "young prince" or something to indicate which "he" you're talking about.
The rest is pretty arbitrary. I picked this particular format to give what I considered the most essential information in the most logical order. BUT, there are lots of different ways to do this.
@@@@

"Empress Funaho believes she has a way. But in order to clear the line of 
sucession, you and Princess Sasmi must also foreswear your claims."

"I doubt you will have any trouble with Sasami. She's never cared for being a princess." Ayeka stared out the window for a few more seconds and then nodded. "Very well, I will foreswear my claim to the throne." The man nodded and began to reach into his case for the proper papers when Ayeka held up her hand. "However. Before I sign those papers, my Father will do two things. 
First, he will see to it that I am named as Regent for the Prince and that I will be responsible for his education. Secondly, he will accept that I will not foreswear my claim until the Prince comes of age and he will see to it that the Royal Council does the same. If both these terms are not met I can and will make Court a living hell for whoever is Regent."

"I will...hm...have to consult with his Highness."

"Yes," Ayeka replied. "Do that."

@@Nice dialogue. Well expressed thought on Ayeka's part.
@@@@

He got up and left and Ayeka sighed, all the confidence draining out of her like a flood.

"You did well, Ayeka," said an older man in a priest's robe as he knelt next to her. "Exactly as we rehersed."

@@Now, where did this guy come from? Need to show he's there earlier OR make it clear he was hiding during this interview. I'd prefer the latter. That's what I thought on first reading and kept looking for 'his' entrance into the scene from hiding."
@@@@

"Yosho, do you really think father will accede?"

"It's either you or a council pawn. You, at least, they will not be able to control and he knows it. Kinshoue will follow suit."

"I hope you're right."

@@Need transition between this scene (with Ayeka and the next with Wushu et al)
@@@@

<SNIP>

@@Some nice stuff in the <snipped> bit. BUT, avoid names like "Endor" IMO they jar the reader out of THIS story by reminding them of another. (OTOH, some readers might like the 'cameo' . . .hard to tell) And Jackal makes me think of an animal or a bumbling mid-eastern assassin. (According to recent reports, the Jackal was mostly PR on both sides) In any event, I'd look for another name. A few more problems like that. And a _little_ more detail on who is doing what. I liked most of it. Just needs some editing.
@@@@

"But they were famous," Tenchi said. "Surely someone would've recognized them by now if they were still alive."

"Maybe," Kiyone replied, sitting down. "The thing is, Aran was a notorious recluse and pictures of her without her suit on, or even just her helmet off are rare. As for Hiboshi, I'm told she was gifted. She could slip into a guise so completly, that if you didn't know who she really was, you couldn't tell the difference. Blending in, like camoflauge. That's why they called her Predator.

So yeah, with a little effort, they could disappear into the Edge Colonies. But I don't believe it myself. No, I think they both died in the nova. And good riddence."

@@I'd end on THIS line. And in the setup (snipped part) Spend some more time making clear who Aran and Predator are. (GP? Bounty Hunters? Lawyers?) I was never sure who they were. What they looked like, what they were doing or why. Need more detail so the reader gets a better 'feel' for
Aran and Predator and why Kiyone is so upset about them.
@@@@

With that, the evening went back to as it had been...somewhat.

****

<SNIP>


SUMMARY:
GOOD: Good hook, nice start. dialogue is generally good, VERY good in spots. Plot appears interesting and well thought out.

BAD: Narrative. Spotty and confusing. Difficult for me
to figure out who is doing what and why. I finally had to 
give up reading. Readers familiar with Tenchi _might_ have 
less trouble.

Ugly: Nothing that I could find in what I read.


As always, Write what you want, the way you want. 



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