Aishuu Offers:
Smile
~ A Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ~
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimers: Fruits Basket is not mine. 
Author's Notes: Credit Anna for talking to me and
inadvertently feeding me lines.  Thanks to Autumn for
directing me to the Furuba scanlations- unfortunately
when I Dled, I got errors- hopefully "Smile" is
acceptable, though.  No beta on this one, since none
of my betas KNOW it, and I can�t always pester Lyra�
hope it�s okay.




	When a child is little, sometimes the only thing that
can bring comfort to them is a mother's hug.

	I never had that.  Neither did some of my cousins,
but forgive me for being a little self-centered, for I
rarely get a chance to be.  I'm so often worrying
about the others and their crises that I rarely get a
chance to think about mine... and I do have them, no
matter what some people may think.

	I guess it's the nature of the rabbit, to be ignored.
 The rabbit is very loved when people think of it, but
it's always the argumentative ones who get the
attention.  After all, who would pay attention to
little Momiji when Haru or Ayame or Ritsu or Yuki
or... well, you get the idea.  So I taught myself to
always smile and laugh, and keep things that way.

	Smile.  That because my personal motto, and it's one
that serves me well.  When it hurts most, smile.  When
I see Akito being particular horrid, pretend not to
notice and smile.  Whenever I seem Momo with Mama and
wish it was me she loved like that, I act happy and
smile.  Whenever I have to say goodbye to my father,
watch him go home to Mama and Momo and leave me to my
foster parents instead of letting me join him, I say
everything is all right and smile.

	But not everything is all right.

	I am a child who was rejected by his mother.  My Mama
even forgot me... No one can ever know how much that
hurts unless it happens to him or her; but still, I
smile, because that was the only thing I can do.

	Tohru was the only one who ever noticed the sorrow I
carry within me.  Some of the Jyunishi may notice that
my smiles aren't quite real, but they pretend not to
see.  They have pain of their own, but right now, I
carry so much pain... how can a mother not want her
child?  How can she go to the extent of allowing the
memory to be taken away?

	Sometimes I hate Hari for allowing it to happen. 
He's had so much pain in his life... the dragon is
considered to be the least desirable curse, with the
exception of the cat, and Kanna... well, how could he
knowingly add to my pain, even to make Mama happy?  We
all have trials in our lives, and Mama should have
learned to deal with them, rather than run away, I
think.  But it wasn't Hari's choice- it was Mama's. 
He was merely her instrument.  He only did what she
wanted him to, so I couldn't can't blame him.  Still,
it's hard to tell the heart what the brain knows.  

	I just smile at him, as I smile at everyone.

	One of the mothers of the Jyunishi, Hiro's mother,
said something recently that made me think.  "I really
can't see how she could have forgotten him... he's
adorable... even if it hurts, I would never forget my
child..."

I wish my Mama was a little bit more like Hiro's.  She
seems to understand what I so firmly believe: no
matter how painful the memory, it's something to
cherish.  We are the sum of our memories, and without
them, we are incomplete.

No matter how the memory hurts, I will cherish it.

I told Tohru that, and it was her hug that assured me
that though I was treasuring a child's wish, it wasn't
wrong.  Tohru is like that; she is able to take the
bad and heal the pain within me.  I'm not the most
damaged of the Jyunishi, though.  What is my pain
compared to Hatori's, or Yuki's, or Kyou's?  Still,
being abandoned by a mother, and not allowed to freely
acknowledge my sister... I could hate my mother for
that. 

There's been times when I've wanted to go up to her
and yell, "Look at me, Mama!  I'm here!  Whose child
do you think I AM?  How many Sohmas have blonde hair? 
Look at Momo- can't you see I'm her big brother?"  
	
I want my little sister.
	
It's sad, but as I get older, I actually lose some of
the longing I have for my mother, and find myself
getting angry at her.  She has taken my father and
sister from me, simply because she couldn't accept the
truth about who I am.  She has added to my pain- it's
not enough that I will never be able to hug a woman,
or hug my daughters, should I have them, but Mama has
taken herself and my Papa and sister away as well. 
How could she be so selfish?  Simply because she can't
touch me, doesn't she understand there are other ways
to show love?  A kiss, words, a caress?  Or a smile?
		
Smile, Momiji, I tell myself.  Whenever I see her and
Momo, I smile at them, because I love them.  No matter
how much pain my mother has caused me, I love them.
	
Tohru, too, seems to share my belief in smiling. 
Until she entered my life, I never believed that
someone like her could exist.
	
Even though she's only a year older then me, she views
me as a child, which is okay, I suppose.  I seem to
have stalled in my growth; a part of me refuses to
grow up.  Maybe it's because I'm waiting for Mama to
be ready to acknowledge me... maybe it's because the
rabbit is always cute, and grown men aren't as cute as
children, I don't know.   The first time I heard of
her, it was through, surprisingly, Hatori.  Hari
didn't talk much, and the fact that he was talking to
me was a little surprising.  He rarely talks to me
except to scold.  Hari doesn't believe that smiles
make the world better.

I had just arrived home from school, and was thinking
about what to do.  Schoolwork was amazingly easy and
took little of my time, and I had to fill many long
hours at the Sohma house waiting for the evening.  My
foster parents, Sohma Akiko and Sohma Touma, are
somehow tied to the Jyunishi in a fashion I haven't
figured out.  They are affectionate, but not loving. 
Akiko never hugs me, afraid of triggering the curse,
and Touma is not a demonstrative person.  I prefer to
avoid them, rather than notice the difference between
what a foster family and a real family is.

Hatori met me at the gate.  "You're skipping school
tomorrow," he said.

I looked at him curiously.  "I am?" I asked.  "Why?" 
I wondered if my latest medical results had come back
with an abnormality.  Hari watches the health of the
Jyunishi closely, to prevent us from transforming when
we get ill.

"Kyou and Yuki's school is having a festival.  Akito
wants to go, and I think you'd like to see your
cousins again, wouldn't you?"

I had never been particularly close to either the cat
or mouse, but I liked them both.  I like most
everyone.  "Sure!  But... Akito is going?" I asked.

"If he's well enough.  I think he's coming down with
something."

I was silent.  Akito's obsession with Yuki was
well-known among the family.  If I went, I could
distract the crowd from seeing Yuki's fear of the
family head, which was probably Hari's intention. 
Then I smiled.  Always smile, Momiji! I told myself. 
"It'll be fun to see Yuki and Kyou again!" I said,
pretending to be excited.  "Will you get me something
to eat?" 

Hari was the only adult who wasn't deceived my smiles.
 Even with his limited eyesight, he saw more than most
people did with two normal eyes.  "There's something
more," he said softly.

I was still smiling slightly as I looked at him, my
wide eyes studying his face.  "What? Is Kyou on the
verge of beating Yuki?" I asked, the laughter
exploding out of me at the very thought.  It would
never happen; Yuki was the mouse, Kyou was the cat,
and in the Jyunishi, the cat was forever cursed to
pursue the perfect mouse without success.

Hari didn't laugh at that.  "There's a girl who's
living at Shigure's house with them," he said.

I lost my smile, and forgot how to breath.  It took a
second for that knowledge to return to me.  "What?" I
whispered finally.

"Her name's Honda Tohru, and she knows of the curse,"
she said.

My mind started spinning.  "Are... are you going... to
do..." I trailed off, not able to finish my question. 

Hari knew I was sensitive on that subject.   "Not at
the moment.  Akito has decided that she's to keep her
memory."

I looked at him, unable to believe that.  "A girl... a
non-Sohma... who knows about the Jyunishi?" I said,
trying to sum it all up.  It seemed like a fairy tale,
or maybe a nightmare.

"Shigure says you'll like her.  She's always smiling,
and a little bit dense."  Hari was silent for a
moment.

"So we're going?"

"Yes... tomorrow.  I'll pick you up at your house, and
then we'll go get Akito.  And... Momiji?  I'll have my
hands full with Kyou, Yuki and Akito.  You give me any
problems, and I'll use that as an excuse to go home."

"I'll be good!" I said, crossing my fingers behind my
back.  I didn't know what to feel of think, so I
quickly darted away, much like the rabbit I was cursed
by.

There was a place in the compound that I liked to
think; a small vegetable garden that was overgrown. 
When I had been younger, it had been Yuki's place, but
since he had left, none of the cousins had claimed it,
and no one not of the Jyunishi would dare venture
within.  I knew better than to disturb any plants,
because Yuki, when he came back, would be furious if
the plants were damaged.  He loved plants more than
people.  I had no doubt that Yuki would return.  

Akito wouldn't let his favorite toy escape him.

I sat in a patch of clover, inhaling the fresh scent. 
A girl... who knew about the Jyunishi.  The
possibilities made my head spin.  

Would she be able to look at me without fear?

Could I perhaps hug her, and know what a real hug
feels like?

I wanted to know.  I wanted to know so desperately...
there is nothing sweeter than forbidden fruit.

Kyou... and Yuki.  Together at the same school.  I had
heard that rumor, but I hadn't thought of it.  I liked
Kyou, but part of me felt a little sorry for him- and
angry.  He desperately wanted to be a part of the main
Jyunishi, which was the one thing he could never have.

He was the cat.

The cat had to be excluded.

There were reasons for that, and Kyou couldn't accept
it. I could accept my mother abandoning me with a
smile- why couldn't Kyou accept the cards fate had
dealt him?  Still, I smiled at him, and was his
friend, since he had too few friends.  I never let my
pity show, because the last thing Kyou wanted was
pity.

And now... there was a girl.  Honda Tohru... I
wondered what kind of girl she was.  Was she pretty? 
Hari had said she was dense, but Hari was very smart. 
He considered many people dense.

I spent that night wide-awake, wondering.

To my vast relief, Hari judged Akito too ill to go, so
he was left behind, after giving Hari explicit
instructions and a camera.  I dressed as cutely as
possible, knowing that most people would think I was
an elementary school kid.  That was fine; that would
be according to plan.

I wanted to see this Tohru... 

I almost died when I walked in the classroom which had
been changed into an onigiri stand, totally blowing my
cover.  Yuki was in a dress.

Yuki looked thoroughly miserable, and I could guess
what had happened.  Yuki's bishounen looks had earned
him admiration all his life, and it was a constant
goal of females everywhere to dress him up. 
Apparently, someone had won a battle with him, and he
was sulking.  Kyou was sitting to the side, actually
looking slightly sympathetic.

I understood Yuki's misery; I had the same problem. 
In my case, though, I just accepted it.  It was easier
then fighting.  

And then I saw her.  She had to be Honda Tohru.  Her
long brown hair fell halfway down her back, and her
blue eyes were the color of the sky.  She was watching
us talk to Yuki and Kyou, and I knew who she was.  Her
eyes were innocent and excited to meet us, and there
was curiosity there.  I could tell she was wondering
about us...

She knew.  It was her.

After introductions, I arranged to be taken behind the
stand with her, doing my cutest routine.  I could see
she thought I was only about ten, but that was okay. 
If she thought that, that meant I'd be more likely to
succeed.

I wanted to hug her.

This girl... wouldn't reject me. 

I wanted a real hug, with no sadness beneath it.  Just
joy, and affection.

Kyou was there as well, but he was easily dealt with. 
When he tried to keep me from jumping into her arms, I
slyly said, "I bet you hug her everyday," I accused
Kyou, knowing that would get him to let me go.

Kyou sputtered, and released me, blushing brighter
than a tomato.

I wish I could say exactly what it was like, to be
embraced by Honda Tohru.  Tohru was surprised, but
there was something about her light strawberry perfume
that smelled wonderful to me.  I had a chance to
snuggle close to her soft body before the strange
tingle that signaled the Jyunishi curse's trigger came
over me.

It had been so long since I had been embraced by
female, except for Rin, Kagura or Kisa.  This was
different, though.  It was... warmer.  There was no
sorrow underlying it, and I knew that though Hatori
would yell at me and punish me, it had been worth that
brief glimpse of happiness.

I smiled at her, even though no one knows how to
recognize a rabbit's smile.

Since then, I've felt calmer.  It was a beginning for
me.  It wasn't a mother's hug, but it was the next
best thing; it was the hug of a person with a warm
heart, who had seen within my soul.  Tohru had that
ability- she saw within your soul upon meeting.

I fell in love with her, just a little, that day.  I
know that someday, she will make the choice between
Kyou and Yuki, and decide where her heart truly lies. 
I'm not sure what the right decision is... I wish I
did.  Should the mouse win, as destiny commands?  Or
should Tohru predestination and choose the cat,
forging a new path for the Jyunishi?

I wish I knew.

I'm rooting for you, Tohru-chan... I hope you find a
way to heal all our hearts.  Still, a large part of me
fears that there's no way you can, at least not
without tainting your pure soul which shines like such
a beacon in the darkness.  Still, I won't give up the
belief that maybe you can make a difference, Tohru...
it's selfish of me, but I need to have that hope. 
Without it, there's simply no reason to go on.

And me?  I'll do what I do best.  I'll keep on
smiling, pretending nothing really bothers me, and
hoping that some day, Mama will be ready to remember
that she has a son... and even though he is cursed to
turn into a rabbit whenever she embraces him, there
are other ways to show love.  All I need is for her to
smile at me, and I can give her an honest, true smile
back, rather than the false one I wear now.


END




Notes:

In the anime, Momiji calls Hatori "Hari".   Hatori
seems to wind up with a lot of nicknames, which I find
amusing, since he doesn't seem the type.

Foster family vs. real families- I don't want to start
this debate, but this is Momiji's story.  He's
dreaming of the perfect life, and having his Mama and
Papa and Momo would go a long way to heal him.


=====
Crazy world - full of crazy contradictions like a child
You're cold and you're cruel
And I, like a fool, try to cope
Try to hang on, to hope
But I've got my pride, I won't give in
Even though I know I'll never win
Oh, how I love this crazy world

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