Hello, boss gave me the day off, so I am only too happy to read an
AMG fic, my first read in a LONG time. :)
---------- Original Message ----------------------------------
From: TaitekiKagato@aol.com
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 19:27:57 EDT
[snip]
Keiichi nodded and turned towards the door, lopsided grin
still in
place.
"Keiichi!" Belldandy called from behind him. He froze, then
turned.
"Yes?"
"You forgot your keys," She said, holding them up.
"Oh, no, I thought I'd walk to the little market up the road.
It's a
nice day out, so... I think I'll just walk today," he said,
nodding, as if
convincing himself.
This feels a bit odd, especially if he has no intention to take
the bike in the first place.
It had quieted down quite a bit since Skuld and Urd had left,
Belldandy reflected as she resumed stitching. Her sisters had
come calling
not too long after she'd arrived, and ended up staying much
longer than
planned. They'd left recently, ostensibly to return to Asgard so
they could
'assist with a bug problem caused by an update to Yggdrasil.'
Upon
returning, however, Urd had found her suspension lifted, and
Skuld had found
her training period complete. Urd's power was returned, and
Skuld's power
was officially recognized.
Unless we're strictly going by the anime, Urd's suspension was
lifted a long time ago (or at least it's no longer mentioned by
the time Bell finishes Keiichi's sweater), but a minor point.
Skuld had been tempted to stay, but, over the time she'd
spent on
Midgard, she had realized that Keiichi wasn't all that bad, for a
mortal.
Not that she would ever tell him that. Still, she promised to
return, so she
could make sure he was treating Belldandy as one should treat a
goddess.
I think Skuld always felt that way about Keiichi, but her love for
her sister was much more important and too precious to leave
unattended.
Before it had settled in the cradle, she was moving toward
the
nearest mirror. Kami-sama never said "immediately" unless it was
important.
She didn't know what to expect, but knew that she was needed in
His office
yesterday.
Idioms like these (ex. "I need that report five minutes ago"), the
kind that attempts humor and wit, are nice when you are writing
about characters like Keiichi or Chihiro, et al. When it is used
in a situation involving Belldandy, it seems out of place. Again,
minor point, I'm just nitpicking, but that could only mean I've
found little so far that is just flat out wrong. :)
With that, Belldandy left the temple she and Keiichi had come to
call their home, practically diving through the mirror.
Ah. No note? No warning? No sort of communication for Keiichi
when he got home? Understandable that Belldandy has very pressing
matters to attend to, but Keiichi is first in her life, above all
else.
However, even though it would appear wonderful, almost
immediately,
problems had begun to pop up. Along with breaking dormitory rules
(and
subsequently being kicked out) on the night of Belldandy's
arrival, Keiichi
soon found that he'd attracted the attention of numerous people
who'd
previously seen fit to leave him alone. It wasn't just human
attention,
either. Belldandy's two sisters, Urd and Skuld (and later the
demon Mara)
had threatened his sanity and safety on numerous occasions.
I'm not too comfortable about using plot summary in a fic. Had
this been a sequel to a fic and you're summarizing its
predecessor, that would be fine. In here, though, it seems to be
patronizing to the reader, as if it is written to assume that he
or she knows nothing about AMG. In fanfic, you can take a few
liberties and not have to seem to fill space in this manner.
He turned, and looked uphill toward the temple he now shared
with
Belldandy (and, of course, her sisters, whenever they dropped
by). So caught
up in his thoughts, he failed to hear, or notice at all, the
truck coming
>from the other direction. Just as unfortunately, the truck driver
failed to
notice Keiichi as well.
Oh. My.
I snipped the last part, but it was written VERY well. I have no
reservations about it, and shows a lot of promise for the rest of
the story. You probably know where you're headed with this, but
there is opportunity to be quite efficient with what you have set
up in this first section (ex. Belldandy: "Why didn't I go with
him? I could've convinced him to take his bike" etc etc, and just
what was going on in the prologue? *g*). If you can keep the rest
of the story at this pace, then you're in the clear.
That's the technical aspect. It is a novel concept, save for the
fact that I don't believe Belldandy would leave in the manner that
she did. Otherwise, the end result was positively unexpected. A
very emotional first chapter, and while you might have overdosed
on the sentiment, the feeling and tone of the story was
communicated quite nicely. I might have problems with this story
coming around full circle (ex. Keiichi comes back to life in the
end and all is back to normal) without there existing some lasting
consequences for the players, and I'm not talking about the
emotional impact either. Someone has to pay a price or give up
something in exchange for a de facto status quo (I won't mention
the possibility of any goddess, Bell in particular, losing their
powers, I think I've seen that in another fic somewhere *bg*).
That is, of course, if you're going to go in that direction.
BTW, I totaled my car last week hitting a taxi cab, if you need
for your story any insight on how to counter depression in the
wake of an accident, you let me know. ;)
In any case, I shall wait by the mailbox for the next section. :)
Roehl Sybing - (917) 741-5355
Campaign Manager, Cure for Civil Court, Kings County
infiniteDeferral - http://www.infinitedeferral.com/
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