Whew, haven't given public C&C for awhile now, so thought I'd try and get 
back in the habit...

Anyway, rather interesting start here, and like the last person, just needs 
a few grammer and spelling fixes.

      "Your a powerful Amazon, Xian Pu."  The intruders Mandarin was

Fix: intruder's Mandarin (add apostraphe)

She hated that cold unforgiving glare that
looked down on her, yet she couldn't help but admire the fierce pride
and determination that burnt beneath them.  "K-ka-san?!"

Shampoo using gratutious Japanese to address her mother!
Seriously, I'd think about changing that to just "Mother", but it's your 
call. I used to use the odd Japanese phrases and such, but I've since 
changed my mind; makes it easier for others to understand if you go with 
straight English.

And apparently stronger despite it's dainty limbs.  Her
mother's blow had landed before she'd even had a chance to react.  And
what a blow.

Suggest: Moving the sentence "And what a blow." to the beginning of the next 
paragraph, or have it be a paragraph all by itself. Makes it stand out a bit 
more.

      "Oh, so I see our great grandma still has her strange obsession with
all things foreign."

COLOGNE: But Japanese soap operas would add much to the Amazon lifestyle!

      "Damn it," thought Shampoo angrily, "Why she always make
Shampoo feel so much guilty, as if me and grandma bad guys.  SHE one
should feel guilty.  HER training what make Grandma custody take."*
Why was she letting this get to her so much?  It probably wasn't even
happening.  Much more likely that the purification herb used in this
ritual had psychedelic properties than that her ancestors spirits had
come to pass judgement on her.

Suggest: Clear up Shampoo's thoughts, so that she's speaking normally. When 
we think, we think in our own language, and Shampoo would be able to speak 
normally. "Why does she always make me feel guilty?"

      As soon as her mother started to twist her body back to strike,
Shampoo ducked, and played right into her opponents hands.  As her
mothers other hand snaked under her black and silver shirt Shampoo
realized the charge had been a feint.  With blinding speed Shampoo's
mother drew her concealed sword in a battoujitsu attack which
Shampoo couldn't dodge.

Might want to add a definition at the bottom for battoujitsu, as most people 
won't be aware of what it is exactly.

Spirits of Law.  Shampoo will do honor to law."  Then she turned and
faced her seething mother who was holding her blade inches from
Shampoo's throat.  "You say law what make Amazons strong, and you
right.  But you wrong despise outside, for brining back what is best

Fix: "brining" should be "bringing" A quick spellcheck would have caught 
that. :)


Overall, it was an interesting start, and I look forward to see how Shampoo 
solves her problems.

Kaiphantom
"Why can't I be molested?  Phooey..."  - Hinako



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