Hotaru giggled wildly as Ranma carried her through the air over
Juuban's rooftops. The first time he(: had) carried her through the air

she

had been terrified. Even the second time, after they had made love, she
had been apprehensive, but now she was free of her fears. Ranma would
never drop her, so she(: had) best enjoy the ride(,:;) and enjoy it she

did.

For that second correction, also consider "was free to enjoy" instead of
"had best enjoy".

I likes... will change.

She had never felt this carefree. Here she was soaring through the air,
from rooftop to rooftop in the arms of her beloved. It made her feel
like a heroine in a shojo manga, a beautiful maiden rescued from some
great evil by her one true love. This is how Usagi must feel whenever
Tuxedo Mask appears to aid the Senshi.

Either indicate that that last sentence is word-for-word what she's
thinking, or rephrase it to use the past tense. (I can think of at least
two different ways to do that, and I'm not sure which is better.)

*shrug* I really don't like to mark off thoughts... it's a styleistic
choice.

"Ranma, why did we stop?" asked Hotaru, (making her disappointment
obvious with the tone of:disappointment obvious in)  her voice.

Also consider using "tone" instead of "voice".

I'll just rewrite it a tad...

Hotaru blinked. What would he need to know. "What do you want to know?"

Seems slightly redundant; you should probably rephrase this.
(Regardless, the middle sentence probably needs a question mark rather
than a period - which of course makes the repetition all the more

obvious.)

Yeah... I think that's covered by the Department of Redundency Department...

Hotaru nodded. Part of her really wanted to show off her boyfriend, and
she needed to tell Chibi-Usa and Usagi about "Ranko" before they
mentioned the curse to anyone.

How long are they planning to delay the revelation? It wouldn't seem to
make sense to plan to postpone it to later than tomorrow.

Logically yes... but where's the fun in that?

Admittedly they might end up putting it off to still later once
"tomorrow" arrives, but given both Setsuna's advice on the matter and
the way they both seemed, not too long after that advice, to be thinking
about the subject, putting it off they way they are seems implausible.

Their gonna get sidetracked... ; )

"Well..." Ranma blushed, and scratched the back of his head. "Where
does she live?"

Hotaru blushed lightly, and let out a sigh. She had been so caught up
in everything that she (forgot: had forgotten) to tell him where they

were going. Hotaru

looked over the edge of the roof in an attempt to get her bearings
relative to the streets. She was not used to this method of
transportation. She didn't recognize roofs.

Since Hotaru is blushing right after Ranma, you might want to rephrase
her part of that description - maybe "turned a matching pink", or
something along those lines? (Just pulling a phrase out of my hat, here
- I'm well aware that their complexions are hardly identical, so their
blushes are unlikely to be.)

I likes... will use.

Also, the last three sentences probably shouldn't be more than two, with
one of the periods replaced with a semicolon and any necessary
rephrasing done to match.

Aok...

Once she had her bearings, she pointed toward Chibi-Usa's home. "Oh,
about three kilometers that way. I'll tell you where to go once we're
in the area."

Sure of "Oh" rather than "Uh"?

Not really... ^_^'

"Ranma, how are we ever going to tell Haruka-papa about Ranko?" asked
Hotaru. "I really hate lying to her."

I see I may have been slightly premature. ^_^

yep

You're pretty good with varying how you refer to people, rather than
just always using their names, but something about this one seems off
somehow. Not sure where the problem is... the preceding sentence
represents just a stab in the dark at the question.

People make stabs in the dark pretty often. It's just natural...

Ranma sighed, and looked up into the air. "So do I... I had to hide
behind 'Ranko' for months with my mom... I really don't like to do it,
but how are we gonna tell her?"

Overuse of ellipsis. Consider replacing the second with a period, and
indicating a brief pause some other way.

I kinda do that don't I... I'll fix 'er up a bit.

Any particular reason they aren't mentioning Michiru? Aside from the
fact that *she* wasn't the one who went after them last half-chapter,
and may not be as potentially hard-assed about it.

Bingo... Michiru might get pissed, she might be disapointed, but she will
not get pissed enough to do something exceptionally stupid. HARUKA on the
other hand... well... you read 9a...

Ranma shook his head. "No, I'm already doin' that. I don't put on any
act when I'm 'Ranko'." (Ranma:He) sighed, and looked at the Tokyo

skyline.

"Hotaru, I've never had that many friends, and now that I have 'em,
they all mean a lot to me. Every last one of them of 'em, even my damn
fianc�es and rivals... I would rather die than forsake any of 'em."

Ranma shook his head. "No. I'd have to do it eventually. You just made
it so I couldn't stall anymore. I'm grateful for that..." Ranma sighed
and looked down. "Hotaru, chances are I would have ended up" Ranma
suppressed a shudder, "marrying Akane..."

Overuse of the name "Ranma". Also, if you really want the name "Hotaru"
at that point in his speech, I'd suggest moving it to before the
preceding ellipsis and separating it from the earlier part with a comma.
Plus, you left out a comma just before the last "Ranma".

*nods*

Ranma chuckled bleakly. "No, she's worse... she'd never listen ta me,
she would always hit me, and she'd always overestimate 'er skills and
everything... then usually leave me ta suffer the consequences. She'd
probably (end:have ended) up killin' me with her cooking."

I understand the tendency to portray Akane negatively, and I admit that
in a fic like this it pretty much has to be done to a certain extent,
but this seems just a little bit too much, a little bit too strong. You
might want to consider toning it down a tad.

This ranma had had to deal with her crap for years and is venting.

Ranma looked at Hotaru seriously. "No, I ain't kiddin'. The girl could
burn water." He paused for a moment than added, "I swear, if it wasn't
for Shampoo and Ucchan she'd(: probably) already have killed me."

"I always had a place ta eat for free when Akane cooked. Sure, she
would always hit me with something when I got home, but I would rather
get smacked over the head with a table then eat that toxic crap that
she cooked, unless it was her curry. Her curry is actually passable."

I'd suggest moving the last sentence break from after "curry" to before
"unless", and putting a semicolon in its former place. If you have to
mention the curry at all; sure, it's there, but it seems to get talked
about somewhat more than is entirely plausible in fanfic. Ask yourself:
would Ranma actually mention it in this sort of conversation?

I'll move the break, but I'm keeping the reffrence to her curry. She wasn't
ALL bad... just ALMOST all bad. ; )

Hotaru beamed. She was going to be a Saotome soon, she had never
thought of that. Saotome Hotaru. She liked the sound of that! "Thank
you, Ranma!" she cried, as she hugged him.

Using a comma there doesn't really work well... not sure what else to
suggest, since everything I can think of at the moment would require
rephrasing to a greater degree than I feel qualified to.

Rephrase away. Even if it is too much, I'll still take elements from it.

Hotaru sighed. Well, every journey begins with a single step. "So...
can we get off the roof?"

Suggest adding the word "first" before the question mark. You might also
want to bring up the issue of whether or not (and, if so, under what
circumstances) she's going to be calling him "sensei". It doesn't have
to be discussed in this chapter, and if she *is* going to do it
routinely (where appropriate) it doesn't need to be *discussed* at all,
but the issue does need to be addressed at some point.

I'll use the first... and "sensei" will come up when he starts teaching her.

Ranma walked silently as he processed what he had heard. Mentally he
went over her story. She(: had) almost died in (a:an) accident caused by

her

father, then (was:had been) brought back to life by the

"(Deathbusters:Death Busters)" to be used

as a host for a being called Mistress 9. The damn thing( had) actually
managed to possess her(:,) and it was only Chibi-Usa that saved her.

Once

she was (saved:free,) though, she(: had) killed their master, Pharaoh

90, and saved

the world(,: -) but in the process (was:had been) turned into an

infant(:,) and(: promptly) adopted by

Haruka and Michiru. That was where they had stopped.

The first two sentences overlap extremely in meaning; the second doesn't
really say anything that isn't said by the first, although it does
provide a better lead-in to the rest of the paragraph.

Rephrased it a bit...

Consider replacing "then was" with "only to be", instead of the
correction noted.

Ok...

If you do use the "had" rather than "was" past tense, as corrected,
you'll need to correct something about the reference to Chibi-Usa; I
could possibly come up with a suggestion, but it would involve
rephrasing this to a greater extent than I feel authorized to do.

As I said before... but I keep was in mose cases

The final sentence has run-on problems, which are only made worse by my
suggested changes; you'll need to address those yourself.

I cleaned it up anyways...

He gazed over to her. They hadn't spoken for several blocks, since her
last(: pause for) rest. She was starting to look unnerved, and

apprehensive. She

probably thought he was going to reject her as she had been for most of
her life. He knew now what he (must:had to:needed to) do. Time to build

up her confidence.

The phrase "reject her as she had been" seems somewhat awkward. Try to
rephrase it.

Ok...

You haven't previously mentioned their stopping to let her rest; it's
reasonable from some perspectives, as you mention immediately below
this, but it might be worthwhile to make reference to it (maybe in a
"don't worry" sort of way) before the walk itself starts.

I really don't feel that it's needed.

Man, she looked cute when she smiled. Hey, saying that might be a good
idea! "Hotaru, ya look really cute when you smile."

How... un-Ranma-ish. (In a good way.)

Hey, he's said it to Akane... it's not THAT un-Ranma-ish. ; )

Ranma sighed(,:.) "Again?" He really hated cutting short like this, but
until he knew what was safe it would have to do.

Cutting short? I can sort of puzzle out what you mean, but it's far from
intuitively obvious. Consider rephrasing that a little for clarity.

oops.

Ranma smirked. "We can finish our talk later. I wanna meet your friend
Chibi-Usa. She sounds really nice. I'll just carry you the rest of the
way. That okay?"

Maybe my memory is playing tricks on me... when has she told him about
Chibi-Usa enough for him to reach that kind of conclusion, even in a
preliminary sense?

She basically told him Sailor Moon S from her POV... she really couldn't
really do that without going into great detail on how great her best friend
in the whole wide world is! ; )

Hotaru giggled. "It wasn't by that far. Here, I'll show you," said
Hotaru as she (began:started) towards her friends house.

Technically she's been on the way there for a while now; consider
"started back", or similar, rather than just "started".

Minor detail... but it sounds better!

Ranma smiled as he walked behind her. She had a cute butt too. He
really liked being around her. It was going to be good to train her.

What's the context of that "too"? Something else about her that's cute
("in addition to her cute face, she has a cute butt" - if so, it should
be mentioned shortly before this)? Some other desirable characteristic
about her ("in addition to being <foo>, she has a cute butt" - this one
should be mentioned first, too, if present)? What?

It was in refrence to her smile, which me mentioned above.

Ranma smiled slyly. "I'm gonna go easy on you for awhile... make sure
nothin' happens to the baby."

This is a little bit out of nowhere - no conversational lead-in, no
situational context aside from the fact that they were discussing the
matter a subject or two back. You might want to come up with some sort
of opening to reintroduce the subject - either that, or some indication
that this is slightly out of the blue, and might take a moment for
Hotaru to adjust and respond to.

Shit... That was a copy pase from a draft that was scrapped. I left part of
it out I see...

"Why's that funny?" asked Hotaru incredulously.

I don't think "incredulously" is the word you want (if nothing else,
it's a little too strong); I had another word in mind when I first saw
this, but then I went and wrote the paragraph above, and now I've
forgotten the suggestion. Hopefully you can come up with something.

I'll try something else... like "skeptically"

"Nothin' permanent" It was then that Ranma that Hotaru stopped. Looking
at the house in front of him he asked, "This it?"

"that Ranma that Hotaru" - obviously not what you wanted; I'd
hypothesize you meant something like "that Ranma noticed that Hotaru
had", with perhaps a reference to him having to come back from having
walked too far (at least a step or two).

I'll fix it up... ^_^'

After a moment, an attractive middle-aged woman with long purple hair
opened the door. She smiled when she saw Hotaru, and said, "Hello
Hotaru-chan." She paused for a moment when she saw the sweat on
Hotaru's brow, and the slight heaviness in her breathing. "Hotaru-chan,
are you alright?"

Purple? I don't recall Usagi's mother (whose name hasn't been introduced
at the stage of SM I've reached, though I do know what it is) having
oddly-colored hair; I remember it as being just black. Not the same sort
of black as Rei or Ami (or Mamoru!) has, but black all the same. (Unless
my memory is playing tricks on me, in which case it might be brown - but
there's *no* way a normal-vision person could plausibly mistake brown
for purple.)

She has a kind of blue-ish purple hair...

"He just asked me," stated Hotaru. "Here," added Hotaru as he lifted
her left hand to show Ikuko her ring.

Double use of "Hotaru".

Oops...

"She picked it out," muttered Ranma with a flush

Missing period.

woops...

Ikuko coughed and stood up (strait:straight). "Where are my manners..."

She turned

to Ranma and said, "I am Tsukino Ikuko, and welcome to my home."

You need a question mark after "manners"; you can put it at the end of
the ellipsis, if you don't want to lose the trailing-off effect, but you
should have one just the same.

Ok.

The woman shook her head, and said, "There's no need to be so formal(:,)
Ranma-kun. Call me Ikuko."

Ranma smiled. "(Ok:Okay), Ikuko-san."

Hotaru nodded. "Sure!"

Given that you've been using Japanese terms from time to time anyway, it
might be appropriate to have her say "Hai". (Unless there's a more
appropriate Japanese term for the context - it seems to me there might
be, but nothing springs to mind. If there is, but it's not the sort to
be commonly known by readers, you should probably just leave things as
they are.)

Hai! ; )

Ikuko quickly led the teens (to:into) the Tsukino home and exited to the
kitchen to get some tea. Both Hotaru and Ranma sat down at the table.

Might want to indicate what sort of room she led them to - otherwise all
we know for sure is that it isn't the kitchen. I don't specifically
recall a family-room type of place from the anime, though one definitely
exists in the Another Story RPG; if all else fails, you can stick them
in the dining room, which does exist and fits with the mentioned table.

Have done.

Ranma smiled to himself. This didn't feel too bad. He was meeting her
friends. Maybe he should introduce Hotaru to his friends one of

(theses:these)

days.

Somehow I don't think that would be as good of an idea as the reverse was.

See below ;)

Nuku-Nuku would be easy, (:since )she always stayed in one place(, as:;

so) would

Ryouga, who had a strange way of always running into him. Ryu and
Sakura would be a pain to find, but where you (find:found) one you would

find

the other within a reasonable distance. Then there was Terry... the
kami only know when he would show up next. Oh, and he might as well
introduce her to his extended family...

Oh, you're talking about the non-Nerima-based friends...

Yep!

What family might that be? Another fanfic-specific tidbit? Or another
cameo opportunity? Or something I'm just not remembering?

Yet another cameo opportunity. I LOVE cameos. If it can be crossed
realistically or by comical plot device (like Ryouga's sense of direction),
I'll do it! ^_^

>From the kitchen the woman shouted, "Yes, Hotaru-chan's here, and she
brought her fianc�e."

Extra > in there; it's probably in the source document as well.

Nope.

There was a rumble of (motion:footsteps) as the pink-haired girl flew

down the

steps, then all but exploded into the room. "Hi, Hotaru-chan!"

"Hi, Chibi-Usa-chan!" exclaimed Hotaru, as she grabbed Ranma(:'s) hand

as if

to say "mine".

That last bit needs rephrasing. I'm not quite sure how.

*shrug*

"Chibi-Usa," Hotaru began, "When we're done with tea can I borrow you
bed?"

Either change that second comma to a period, or decapitalize "When".
Probably the latter.

'k

The pink-haired girl's eyes widened(,:.) "You just didn't ask what I

think

you did, did you?"

Hotaru body blushed, becoming a rich shade of crimson. In an almost
frantically embarrassed voice, she said, "No, no, no! I just want to
lie down!"

Odd turn of descriptive phrase there. Can work, but needs care... I'd
think you'd need a little more work to get it to look right.

It works, and I like it. ; )

Chibi-Usa snickered to herself. Her mouth rising into a amused smirk
she said, "Sure you do..."

Missing comma after "smirk".

oops

In an attempt to curtail Hotaru's embarrassment, Ranma said, "Don't
worry, we ain't gonna do anything on your bed. We already did that
today." Needless to say, it had the opposite effect (as:from what he)

intended as

Hotaru blushed an even deeper red.

That's even less think-before-you-speak than Ranma usually is. ^_^

The Saotome School Secret "Foot-in-Mouth" Technique strikes again! ^_^

I don't particularly like my suggested correction, but anything else
would require rephrasing what's already there.

I'll keep what I have.

"Oh," said Chibi-Usa. She smiled, the look in her eyes becoming almost
predatory. "So when did this happen?"

Predatory? Chibi-Usa? Especially towards her own best friend, with all
that implies in this instance? Did I miss something?

She just got a REALLY juicey bit of info... ofcourse she's going to have a
predatory gleam in her eyes. She wants to know, and she's not going to give
up until she hears all the squishy details...

Hotaru took this as a chance to get back at her friend for all of her
embarrassment. "Right after he got me this!" she exclaimed, as she
thrust her left (had:hand) forward.

I don't see how this in any way involves or counts as "getting back at"
her for anything.

Chibi-Usa is digging for info, teaseing her, and doing other anyoing best
friends stuff. She's knocking her off ballance.

In many ways, friendships are like small battles. You love your friends, but
that the same time you try and tease the hell out of them.

It's true, guys even take it a step farther. What Chibi-Usa is doing is a
less insulting, more femine equivilant of "busting her balls"

He trembled with terror as the deadly predator stalked up behind the
(purple haired:purple-haired) woman, its lithe body flexing, ready to

kill. Its deadly,

vorpal claws prepared to rend flesh from bone. Its evil, glowing eyes
(burning:burned) with hate and malice. Then it hunched back, and opened

its maw

to expose its (flesh ripping:flesh-ripping), razor sharp teeth and voice

its horrible,

(soul chilling:soul-chilling) battle cry...

"Vorpal" is a Carrollian word, most familiar from pen-and-paper RPGs;
it's a little bit ("jarring" isn't quite the word I want, but the better
ones don't seem like real words) in this context. Not entirely sure what
to use in its place... perhaps "needlelike"? That might work better for
the teeth, enabling you to use "razor-sharp" for the claws.

*shrug*

Incidentally, if you do want to use purple hair for Ikuko it might be
worth having Ranma make (though not necessarily mention, and almost
certainly dismiss shortly after) a brief mental association with Shampoo.

Maybe later... of course at the same time he might not. She hasn't attacked
him yet! ; )

"Meow?"

The only really successful way of dealing with this I've ever seen came
in Fire's marvellous "Destiny's Child", and can't really be used here;
I'll be interested to see how you handle it. ^_^

It'll be creative but simple...

Hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'll have the next draft out tomarrow.

- Sama




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