In a message dated 8/14/02 3:09:16 PM, feltmate_ffml@fastmail.fm writes:

C&C inbound.  Take or leave it as you will.

Take.

which she filled with water heated to
a comfortably warm sixty-five degrees.

Damned ice mages... (...says the person who currently feels cold in a room
that's 82F.)

Heh.

Hmm....  I think this would be better off as a quoted thought to herself,

as so:

"But then again," her rational mind pointed out, "Bunny was raised on a
farm, and as such, her figure came from simple combination of genetics and a 
lifetime of hard work that no reasonable exercise program could duplicate."

Also, if you're going to qualify the type of blade Bunny's carrying, you'd
be better off going more specific than less specific.  Narrow it down to
"a very large Bowie Knife," perhaps?

Would Amy Lynn even know what a Bowie knife was?

"Hey," Bunny said with a grin. "Moll and I were gonna go down to the creek
and do some fishing, and we thought you might like to come along."

Now's when I point out that there doesn't seem to be anywhere near enough
mangling of the English language going on.  I mean, come on...what's the
point of Sailor Redneck if Bunny's not going to bastardize the language
until the British cry?  ^_^;

Consider it basterdized. I should warn you, writing accents is a problem area 
for me.

At least it's not Sailor Bajou; otherwise nobody from outside of the bajou
would be able to understand a word she said.

And she'd be hard to understand inside the Bajou as well.

..although it'd be funny as
hell to see a Sailor team where one half couldn't understand a word the
other half said.  I can just see Tuxedo Kamen breaking out in tears when
he realizes that he can't understand a word his Destined Love says.  ^_^;;

It would be. Unfortunutly, that's beyond my abilities.

Mr Tymes?

I keep getting this feeling that Amy's mother has a rather interesting
past...

Well, there was this one time at Band Camp...

[Author is beaten by Alyson Hannigan, who is screaming something about "can't 
anyone let that stupid line die?"]

affinity with tools --> affinity for tools

Hmm. I dunno, with tools just seems to sound better. 

had already put together both couches and the large computer desk.

Three pieces of furniture in three hours?  Seems like a pretty average
rate to me.  I'd cut that in half for an "astounding" affinity for tools.

You ever work in furniture? Believe me, an hour a piece is high speed. I used 
to work in an office supply store. The Store Director once said that you 
don't measure it by how many hours, but by how many beers.

Maybe have her sigh softly after closing the door or as she closes the
door?  Just another thought...

A good one too.

Painted in the primary colors:  Primer Red and Primer Gray.  ^_^;
You should specify what "the maker" is rather than leave it generic.
Any other redneck-ish details?  (deer antler rack bound to the front with
leather thongs?  nekkid women on the mudflaps?)

It's Bunny's truck.

I've always found "zoom" to be such a wussy word, and Amy's 
near-death-experience deserves to be lovingly lavished with detail.  ^_^

"No seatbelts, either," she continued, seeing Amy Lynn frantically looking
around.

"No seatbelts, either," she continued, as Amy Lynn scrabbled frantically

for a handhold.

"Pa cut them out. Said we didn't need 'em." Wrenching the wheel, she
swerved the truck onto the road, shifted again and floored the accelerator.

shifted again and floored --> shifted into drive and floored

Now, I'm assuming this is an automatic.  If it's a manual, you'll want
to indicate some (probably rough) clutch work.

Done.

Recommendation:  have fun with this scene.  Give it a good paragraph or
two.  Spinning tires, losing traction, bottoming out the suspension.  Have
Amy find religion...or at least wish she had a religion to find.  Just
run with it.  ^_^;

Oh, I did,

*****************
"Feeling better?" Molly asked as she took the canteen from Amy Lynn."

Sure that isn't a hip flask?  A little of Grandpa's Cough Medicine works
wonders for nerves.  ^_^

Tempting, but no.

I suddenly get this vision of Rayelene as an evangelical Christian.  It
would certainly be a great source of antagonism for Amy.  It would probably
also be interesting to see happens when Rayelene findes out about the 
history of the Silver Millenium, and how it would completely hash any 
literal interpretation of the Old Testament.  Would she have a major crisis
of faith, reject her Sailor heritage, or decide that Serenity was the God
of old?  For that matter, the whole "Sailor Moon as the second coming of
the Messiah" would be a very interesting turn.  Would the new Holy Trinity
be Mother/Daughter/Silver Crystal or somesuch?

Ah, now that...is a secret.

Seriously. I have a new twist on the Senshi for this one but I aint telling 
what. You did, however, come close to Raylene.

There were also rumors of a blond haired woman who roamed the woods near

the lake whenever the moon was in the night sky accompanied by a black-haired

wolf, searching for something.

This sentence is very, very out of place.  It just kind of flew in out
of left field, and doesn't really link to anything.  You need to either 
transition to it gracefully, move it somewhere where it fits naturally,
or ditch it.  It needs to be split up into two sentences or heavily 

rearranged

in any case.

Done.

"The state says that this year, those of you who are aged fourteen through
seventeen have to study the life cycle of plants and animals. The folks

over at Black Mountain Plantation have agreed to let us use their facilities
as part of this. So, in two weeks class will meet two days a week at Black

Mountain where you will tend and care for a small herd of sheep, twenty

four head of cattle, and a small, one acre field of various plants, including

cotton. At the end of the school year, I expect each of you to tell the

class what you learned." A few groans and complaints were heard throughout 

the

room. "I know most of you have spent your lives raising plants and animals
which is why I expect A's all around as you will help the others with

what you know. Any questions? No? Good. Open your math book and turn to page

fifty-one."

Oh yes.  Amy Lynn is most definitely in her personal Hell.  ^_^;

Not yet....

I'm not sure how you get from "Ms. Ande" to either Beryl or 
Metallia.  Maybe I'm missing something, or maybe she's just the only one
smart enough not to base her pseudonym on her real name.

Fixed.

One or two of the workers made Amy Lynn nervous in the way they moved, like 

they

were shells wrapped around something.

And I'm suddenly put in mind of the first Men In Black movie:  they're
wearing Edgar-suits.  ^_^

That's actually fairly close.

"This is Jeddadiah Cite," Michael said. "Jed, this my Daughter, Amy Lynn."

*Groan*  Jed's got all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the crotch, I
see.

Actually, he's even less subtle then that.

"Shut up, Jeddite," Malachite snarled.

Excellent twist there.  I like.

Thanks. I'm rather proud of it myself.

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