Sorry I took so long to get to this, Tom. My comments are in square
brackets.
 
Don.

To be read in conjunction with Replaced and Desperation.

-----

The rap on the window sounded again, drawing her attention from her
account books.  Nabiki sighed and rolled out of her bed, knowing that
it was likely Gos visiting her.  He was the only she knew of that
hadn't discovered the convenience of a cell phone.

 
[Missing a word in this last sentence. He was the only what?]

She looked out through the window, catching site of Gos on the ground
below with a handful of pebbles.  She favored him an annoyed glance
before waving him to find his way up as she opened the window.

 
[Should be "favored him with".]

Nabiki watched him sling his camera over his back before he began his
fumbling way up the side of the house.  He was dressed in his school
outfit, its dark colors seeming to suit him well for the type of work
he preferred.  She silently wondered what other goodies she could get
from him today.

He dove from the nearby tree, catching onto her sill.  She grinned,
watching him scrabble his way through the window, not bothering to help
him.  If he fell it certainly wouldn't hurt her reputation in the
slightest.  She'd simply claim he was attempting to break in and her
word was a lot stronger than his.

Once in, Gosunkugi rested on the sill, panting as he caught his breath.
Nabiki yawned, waiting for him to get to the point of his visit.  She
did hate to waste time but she also wanted the distraction from
estimating the costs of the repairs for the damages done to the dojo
after the failed wedding attempt.

The would-be spy nodded to her, slipping off the knapsack he was
wearing.  He unzipped it and pulled out a set of photos, handing them
over to her.

"The pictures you wanted," Gos stated evenly.  "Mostly Kodachi," Gos
said flatly.  "The others haven't been so photogenic as of late."

 [Your call, but I think "here of late" works better than "as of late".]

Nabiki skimmed through the racy photos, many looking professionally
done.  She shook her head.  "I don't have many buyers for her," she
sighed.  "You have absolutely nothing on the others?"

 
[Sighing does not produce intelligible sounds. So, either:
 
 "I don't have many buyers for her." She sighed.
 
Or
 
"I don't have many buyers for her," she said with a sigh.]

The spy shrugged, digging out some more photos out of his pack and
showing them to her.  She snatched them from his hands, flipping
through each.

"Nothing I'd pay to see," Gosunkugi commented offhandedly.

Nabiki snorted in disgust, thrusting the photos back at him.  "Who's
going to pay to see Ukyou bawling in the tub?" she demanded angrily.

"I almost blew my cover on that shoot," Gos said with a nod.  "She
nearly 'drowned' in her sorrow.  Good thing Konatsu was around, though
he got a good whack to the noggin for his help."

 
[Need a period after the word "though".]

"What is wrong with everyone?" Nabiki sighed, throwing herself back
onto the bed.  "So they didn't get married.  Big deal.  Masturbation
goes on."

 [Sighing produces no intelligible sounds. Same drill as before.]

"I can only work with the situations I'm given," Gos said simply.  "If
they're not giving me a good scene, I can't take good photos."

"What about my sister?" Nabiki asked quickly.  "I know you have
pictures of her."

"Sure," Gos returned, thumbing through his pack for some more pictures.
He walked over and sat down on the bed next to her, laying the photos
down on her flat stomach.

 [Use rejoined rather than returned. "Returned" in this context is
confusing.]

Nabiki grabbed them and grimaced.  "These are wedding pictures, moron,"
she huffed.  "You know what I meant."

Gos shrugged again.  "Taking pictures of Akane is just too frustrating
for me," he admitted.  "And if you hadn't caught me doing it in the
first place, I wouldn't have to be doing this all the time."

It was true.  A little snapshot of Gos peeping in on Akane with a
camera in his hand was the one thing that kept him under her thumb.
"Don't be holding out on me," she said sternly.  "All I have to do is
show a couple of your 'works' to Akane and you're through."

"Bah, I've been through," he snorted.  "She's never going to give me a
chance so I stopped taking pictures of her, honestly.  Sure I still
have quite a collection of her, I don't have the heart to throw it away
I suppose, but nothing's recent.  Nothing since that stupid armor scam
I got caught up in."

"Give me something, Hikaru," Nabiki demanded.  "Don't you have
anything of Ranma?  I might be able to sell those."

The spy raised an eyebrow at her.  "Business bad?" he quipped.

 
[Quipped barely works here. I would reconsider it.]

Nabiki shook her head emphatically in the negative.  "Expenses from
damages to cover," she explained.  "I depleted a bit of my personal
funds and I'd like to at least get myself back up to my balance before
the wedding."

Gosunkugi leaned forward, digging his elbows into his knees while
cupping his chin in his palms.  "You should consider it a small price
to pay," he said sullenly.  "At least you got what you wanted."

Nabiki sat up quickly and smacked him on the back of the head with her
open palm.  "Don't say that," she growled, leaning into him and
breathing on his ear.  "I sent the invitations and nothing more."

 
[Ooh! Having Nabiki blow in my ear! That was good.]

'What the hell did he mean by that?' she thought to herself.  She had
gotten some money out of the incident to cover some of the damages but
it had not really been enough.  She had wanted to demand recompensation
from the offenders but Akane had refused to let her do so.

 
[Use compensation or recompense, but not recompensation. Put in a comma
after offenders and before but. Most of the time, you need a comma ahead of
the word "but".]
 

Normally
she would have done so without a care for her sister, but this was a
special circumstance that Nabiki had decided to concede to her sister's
wishes.

The spy scooted away from her, rubbing the back of his head as he
looked back to her.  "But it's true," he claimed.  "The wedding
failed."

"And perhaps that was for the best.  He's too young," Nabiki sniffed,
putting the matter away nicely.

 
[Oh! _He's_ too young is he? Well, isn't that interesting!]

"But your sister isn't?" Gosunkugi pried.

 
[Prying does not make an intelligible sound. Use ask instead.]

"People change as they grow up," Nabiki stated evenly.  "Ranma won't be
any exception.  If they got married now ... I'm afraid they wouldn't
stay together.  They barely know each other.  They're always fighting.
Getting married won't change that."

"But it might rid Nerima of a bit of confusion with all this fiancee
nonsense," Gosunkugi pointed out.  "I honestly was looking forward to
this thing going through, to finally end this with Akane and move on,
but you've single-handedly put us all back into overtime."

Nabiki scowled at the obvious lie.  She knew for a fact Gos still spied
on her sister, though admittingly not recent, but that was due to all
the trouble as of late.

 
[The phrase "admittingly not recent" clanks upon the mind's ear, largely
because the reader expects, "admittedly not recently."]
 

Plus she sorely doubted her sending
invitations to Shan Pu and Ukyou had anything to do with their arrival
at the wedding.  She had sent them merely to assure that they would be
there.  "They were just invitations," Nabiki repeated.  "You make it
sound like some devious scam that took months to plot out."

"Is your business that important to you?" Gosunkugi asked snidely.

The Tendou daughter was quickly tiring of his company, and that remark
wasn't what she wanted to hear.  She slapped him across the face,
leaving a nice, red handprint on his cheek.

 
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative. "Wasn't" saps all the power
from the phrase "was not what she wanted to hear" in any case.]

"This has nothing to do with business," she snarled.  "Sure, Ranma
marrying would likely throw my profits for some time but I know
business.  You can't control the market for long so you have to adapt
to the changes."

 
[Comma after the word "time". Also, comma after "long". You almost always
need a comma ahead of the word "so".]
 

"Then why do you need my pictures?" Gosunkugi asked, holding his cheek.

She grabbed him by the collar, shaking him once.  "Hikaru, other than
pictures and eavesdropping, what else can you competently do?" she
inquired.

"A l-little magic," he said meekly.

"Nothing," Nabiki answered for him.  "I have absolutely no use for you
if the market changes entirely so I'm trying to find a middle ground.
Sure I could just get rid of the lot of you and establish new contacts
elsewhere, but I'm not ready to downsize just yet."

 
[Comma after "entirely".]

"Gee, how thoughtful of you," the spy stated nervously.

 
[I would consider using "stuttered" in place of "stated", but it's your
call.]

"You should be happy," Nabiki said with a smirk.  "If I have no use for
you, I'll simply expose you to Akane.  At least then you can't say she
doesn't notice you when she's pounding you into next week."

 
[I would replace "when she's pounding" with "while she's pounding".]

The spy blanched.

"I want you to keep tabs on things," she commanded.  "Watch the fiancee
squad at their homes and report anything strange.  I don't want to
spend anymore on damages if they go berserk."

 
[Hah! Gos is gonna be doin' lots and lotsa reportin'!]

"I can't watch them all," he returned, perplexed.  "I'll need some
help."

 
[Use rejoined instead of returned. It works especially bad here with
perplexed.]

"Ranma hasn't really spoken to either of them in the past two weeks,"
Nabiki started, ignoring his protest.  "At least that's what I gather
in passing from him and Akane."

Gosunkugi blinked.  "He's actually speaking to you?" the spy asked.
"Does he know about the invitations?"

The Tendou daughter nodded.  "I told him the day of, rationalizing my
actions to the fact that they would have shown up anyways," she
explained.  

 
[The day of what? Also, "anyways" seems uncharacteristic speech for Nabiki,
but that is your call. The word "anyway" would work, but "anyways" is a bit
to countrified for Nabiki.]
 

"And they would have shown up, Hikaru.  My invitations had
absolutely nothing to do with it."

The spy thought about it for a moment and nodded.  "Smooth as always,"
he commented.  "But do you really think they would have found out about
the wedding if you hadn't invited them.  I know I wouldn't have known
if you hadn't told me you wanted pictures for the occasion."

 
[Replace the period after "them" with a question mark.]

Nabiki narrowed her eyes.  It was that same thought that troubled her as of
late. 

 
[Use "that had troubled" to make the tense perfect. I would replace "as"
with "here".]
 

 "No regrets," she said, releasing his collar which caused
him to flop backwards on her bed, "from what I gather from your
pictures I'd say that neither Ukyou nor Shampoo are taking this too
well.  

 
[Comma after pictures.]
 

There's a possibility that either or both of them will come back
and cause more damage.  If you can only watch one, so be it.  Choose
one and I'll see what I can arrange for the other."

"I can watch Ukyou," he said, quickly adding, "She lives closer."

Nabiki narrowed her eyes at him but said nothing about it.  "I want you
to start as soon as you can," she declared.  "It's been too quiet as of
late and things don't stay like that for long ever since Ranma showed
up."

 
[Ah, "things seldom stay that way for long since Ranma showed up" would work
better. It would let you avoid cleaning up the past perfect tense in this
sentence.]

The spy nodded.  "Where will you be tomorrow for me to reach you?" he
asked.

"The beach with Ranma and family," Nabiki answered quickly.  "Call my
cell for a change.  I've paid for the minutes already and I hate them
being wasted because some of my contacts don't feel like using the
phone."

 
[Comma after "already".]

Gosunkugi smiled wanly.  "I'd love to go to the beach..." he muttered
trailing off.

"Not on my clock," Nabiki huffed, gesturing for the spy to get up off
her bed.  "Get to work."

The spy sighed, rolling off the bed and onto his feet.  He snatched his
backpack and crossed the room to the open window without looking back.
Still, he paused at the window before exiting.

Nabiki felt uneasy about his prolonged presence.  "What?" she demanded.

"I'm just curious," Gosunkugi called back over his shoulder.  "Who did
you do this for?  Ranma or Akane?"

"My sister of course," Nabiki answered quickly.  "I don't want to see
her hurt.  If I have to hurt her today to prevent a deeper hurt
from Ranma tomorrow, I'll make that choice.  They can hate me if they
want.  I don't care."

"What do you get in return?" the spy asked softly.

"The satisfaction of knowing I did the right thing," she shot back.
"Am I going to have to shove you out the window to get some sleep
around here?"

Gosunkugi shook his head and quickly hopped out of the window.

Nabiki sighed, deciding to leave the window open for the night.   She
sprawled onto the bed, shoving the books aside and onto the floor.

"I did the right thing," she repeated softly to herself, the words
ringing hollow in her heart.  "No regrets."

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Ranma blinked.  The sight before him was not exactly what he had
expected.  "Nabiki?"

The said girl turned her head lazily towards him, her eyes hidden
behind petite sunglasses.

[Use "Said girl" rather than "The said girl". Alternatively, "The
aforementioned girl" would work, but might seem a little too pompous for
this context.]
 

She sported a simple one-piece that was blue
with black stripes running down her sides.  As she was lying in a
lounge chair, partially reclined, he could not tell much more about the
design other than the only thing risque about it was the low cut and
that her legs were fully exposed to the sun.  In all, it was quite
conservative for the girl.

 
[I would use "Nabiki" rather than "the girl". Your call.]

"Yes?" she asked, sipping on some bottled water she had brought along.
The squat cooler had been dropped heavily in the sand next to where
she was now sitting.  The towels and other beach paraphernalia was
strewn out next to the cooler, protected from the sun by an umbrella
that had been set up half-heartedly by their parents.

"What happened to the bikini you wore last time?" he asked, blushing as
he realized the stupidity of the question.

 
[Good old Ranma! Still suffering from foot in mouth. I'll bet he's banned in
England.]

'Might as well ask why she bothered with wearing clothes at all,' he
grumbled to himself.  'Thank goodness Akane didn't hear that.'

"Oh that old thing?" Nabiki drawled, waving her hand dismissively.  "I
gave that to Akane.  I decided to go with this number for today since
I'm not really wanting to put in the effort for tanning."

Wondering what on Earth could be so difficult about tanning, Ranma's
vision clouded over at the thought of Akane in Nabiki's bikini.
"Ak-kane's ... w-wearing..." he stammered.

 
[Yeah, I thought that might get to you, Saotome.]

"Honestly, Ranma," Nabiki said, stealing one of her sister's lines.
She then turned her gaze out to sea.  "You really should be used to the
idea by now.  Maybe you should have tried something different than red
trunks."

 
[Use "besides" in lieu of "different". The situation warrants a
colloquialism.]

Ranma balled his fists up.  "I am not debating over what I wear with
you," he stated.  "You may think it's cute to have me in a girl's
swimsuit but I'm tired of it.  Now if you don't mind I'm going to put
on some of that waterproof soap before anything crazy happens."

 
[Comma after "swimsuit". Ranma's diction is a bit too precise in this line
of dialogue. "I ain't arguin' with ya over what I wear!" is more like him,
but this is strictly a stylistic choice.]

"I'd bet Akane'd love to see you in one of those," Nabiki quipped
nonchalantly.

Ranma followed the direction of Nabiki's pointing finger and blushed at
the man wearing ... well wearing practically nothing.  He wandered over
and around Nabiki, ignoring her protest of him blocking her view of the
aforementioned, scantily clad man, and spread out a towel on the sand
before plopping down on it.

Ranma smiled softly to himself, feeling the warmth of the sun on his
chest and arms.  He turned an eye lazily over to Nabiki, startled to
catch her scrutinizing him in return.

"Sorry," she quickly snapped, her eyes darting back out to the water.

Ranma frowned confused.  He dismissed the thought as he began to wonder
how Nabiki got changed so quickly when she was supposed to have been
watching the stuff.  He thought it over before asking, deciding that
she probably had been wearing the suit underneath and had stuffed her
clothes into the duffle bag beneath the chair when she had finished
changing.

 
[Comma after "frowned". You might consider breaking that last sentence up
into two sentences rather than leaving it as is.]

"Smart," he quipped aloud.  "I see you wore the one-piece to have an
easier claim on the chair."

Nabiki nodded, turning a sly smile at him.  "Of course," she admitted.
"I couldn't wear what I wanted to and change out here without risking
an 'accident'."

Ranma blushed but quickly fought the feeling down.  "You say things
like that on purpose," he accused.

The middle Tendou blinked.  "Well ... how could I say them on
accident?" she asked in a sarcastic tone.

"That's not what I meant," he protested.

Nabiki reached over and fumbled in her duffle bag for a moment.  Ranma
pointedly found something else to look at and consequently had a bar of
soap strike him in the head.  "You best put that on unless you want to
have an 'accident'."

"You didn't have to hit me in the head," he grumbled.

Nabiki's head turned at a sound.  "Looks like the Mrs. is coming to
join us," she declared.  "Don't worry, Ranma.  If you faint, I know
mouth to mouth."

 
[Usually, "Misses" is used in lieu of "Mrs." in this kind of context. Mrs.
Is actually a contraction of Mistress, which leads to all kinds of
confusion. English is a crazy language.]

Ranma blushed, feeling positively miserable with embarrassment.  He
didn't know which was worse; the fact that he was soon going to see his
fiancee in a very revealing swimsuit or Nabiki's casual antics.

"Hey, no fair, Nabiki!" his fiancee's voice cried out in protest.  "I
wanted that chair."

Ranma turned his head reflexively, noting Nabiki's tongue sticking out
at....

Ranma felt a trickle in his nose as he flushed crimson.  Akane was
wearing a black two-piece with gold edging and strings that wrapped
around her strong body.  The strings were tied in loose, looped knots
in the back, nothing that a firm pull at any of those loops could
easily undo.  The black material, what little of it there was, was
smooth, covering barely enough to be acceptable at a beach.  Ranma
could only wonder where on earth Akane had put that tomboy that called
him names and hit him often.

"What are you looking at?" Akane demanded with a confident smirk.

Ranma stammered, "W-what do you mean?"

"You're staring at me," Akane pressed her hands balled in fists against
her curvaceous, exposed hips.

"Drooling to be more accurate," Nabiki added in a casual demeanor.

"I was not!" Ranma denied emphatically.

"Than what are you looking at?" Akane repeated crossing her arms over
her chest.

Ranma's eyes quickly darted away.  "N-noth," he fumbled over an answer.
"N-n-noth."

"Well ... out with it!" Akane snapped, clearly annoyed.

"A lot of fuss over nothing," Nabiki drawled, leaning back in her
chair.  "Why don't you just say you were staring at her and be done
with it?"

"I wasn't staring at her," Ranma snapped.  "I was staring at ...
um...."  He was at a loss.

"We heard you the first time," Nabiki sighed.  "N-n-n."  The middle
Tendou daughter stuck out her tongue at him.

"N-n-na," Ranma fumbled again, feeling Akane's glare upon him.  "Nabiki?"  A
fist was planted in his head.  Ranma growled in annoyance,
rubbing the top of his skull.  "What did you do that for?" he demanded.

"For staring at my siter!" Akane shouted at him.  "You call yourself a
martial artist.  Why don't you practice some self-control!"

 
[Sister, not siter.]

"Self-control?" he shouted back.  "I need self-control?  Listen here,
you uncute tomboy...."

"Ranma, you idiot," Nabiki sighed as Akane's fist connected underneath
his jaw.

Ranma felt his feet lift off the ground as he shot up and out towards
sea.  'I knew I should have worn a top,' he grumbled as he splashed
into the ocean.

 
[Because Ranma is grumbling and therefore making an audible communication,
you should use double quotes as though he were speaking to another person.]

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Akane sulked underneath the sun, lying down with her back to the
heavens in a vain attempt to tan.  This was supposed to be a chance to
forget her troubles but Genma had let it slip to Happousai about their
outing.

'Okay, so it was beaten out of him, but it's his own fault for acting
as if he had a secret to hide,' she sighed, still not understanding how
two full grown men could be terrorized by such a diminutive old man.

Akane looked about, her head resting on her folded arms.  Her father
and sister were out playing in the water.  She turned her gaze to her
right and a little behind her, noting Genma sweating in panda form
beneath the umbrella in an even more futile attempt to keep cool.  She
would have felt sorry for him, seeing as he had tried to stop Happousai
only to get dunked earlier.  It had to be really terrible having all
that fur and needing hot water of all things to cool off properly on a
hot day.

'Oh well, he probably deserved it,' she sighed.  Her thoughts turned to
Ranma and she sighed even more.  She wasn't sure why he couldn't just
give her the satisfaction that she looked good in her new bikini.
Maybe it really didn't look good on her.

There was a tug and her top was yanked out from her.  She jerked her
head back to the left to yell at the offender.

"Sweeto!" Happousai exclaimed.

"Give her that back!" Ranma shouted.

Akane growled, moving to get up and take matters into her own hands.

"Akane, don't!" Nabiki cried out.

"Here, Akane!" Ranma shouted.

A white tee shirt fell on top of her as she heard Ranma bound past her
after Happousai.

"Ranma, you shouldn't have," Happousai squealed in glee.

"Ah, get him off me!" Ranma shouted, her footsteps pounding back in the
other direction.

"I don't think giving Akane the shirt off your back was a good thing,"
Nabiki commented dryly.  "Noble, yes.  Stupid, definitely."

 
[The last two sentences fail to contrast quite the way you intended. Try
"Noble, perhaps. Stupid, definitely."]

Akane struggled to get the shirt on and quickly got to her feet.  She
assessed the situation quickly and ran over to aid Ranma, really
wishing she had that top.

 
[I would use "as quickly got" instead of "and quickly got".]

"Give me that back!" she shouted angrily, seeing Happousai clinging to
both her black top and Ranma's bosom.  She grabbed onto the evil master
and tugged.

"Oh, so nice," the old lecher cooed, snuggling his head between Ranma's
breasts.

"You are dead, old man," Ranma growled, similarly trying to pry free of
the iron grip.

"Yes, I know, I can feel rigor mortis setting in, I'll never let go
now!" Happousai quipped merrily into Ranma's chest.

 
[Oh, that was a precious line! I love this one! Good stuff, Tom!]

Akane placed her foot on Ranma's thigh and leaned back, pulling with
all her might.  Happousai came free with a pop, sending Akane over
backwards into the sand.  The evil master sailed overhead at a
surprisingly fast speed.

"Happousai, the human cannon," Nabiki remarked with a wan smile.

 
[Should be "cannonball" rather than cannon. Cannons do not fly, their
projectiles do.]

Ranma held out a hand to help Akane up.  She slapped it aside and got
to her feet.  Ranma grimaced, crossing her arms across her exposed
flesh.

Akane peered off into the distance, holding a hand up to shield the
light from her eyes.  "My top," she protested weakly.

"Your top?" Ranma balked.  "What about me?"

Akane turned to yell at the pigtailed girl but a shirt was thrown at
them.  They both stared at Nabiki curiously.

 
 [comma after "girl".]

"What?  Just because I don't mind seeing Ranma naked doesn't mean I
don't think about his feelings," Nabiki said, defending her actions.

 
[Whoa!]

"You're going to charge me for this?" Ranma asked.

"I said I cared for your feelings," Nabiki echoed.

"Really?" Ranma said, reaching down for the shirt.  "So this is free?"

"Keep talking like that and it won't be," Nabiki warned him.

"But MY top," Akane complained again.

"Think of it this way, Akane," Nabiki said with a grin.  "You won't
have a tan line."

Akane flushed at that thought and noticed Ranma was blushing too.
"What are you blushing for?" she demanded.

"T-tanning topless," he stammered what was on his mind.

"I'm not going to let you watch me," Akane huffed, crossing her arms.

Ranma clenched his fists and threw his face mere inches from hers.
"Now why would I want to watch you tan anyways?" he shot back.

Akane oooed angrily and slapped him before storming off.

"Hey!" Ranma protested.  "What was that for?"

"Ah the pigtailed ... urk!" a deep voice resounded.

Akane paused, turning in her tracks.  "Kunou?" both Akane and Ranma
queried.

Nabiki made an attempt to hide her face in her hands.

"Oh my lovely goddess, let me cover you up!" Kunou shouted, sprinting
towards them.

"Ack!!" Ranma squeaked, turning on her heel and sprinting down the
shore, shirt still in hand.

Kunou followed behind, spouting sonnets about free spirits and other
nonsense that Akane had no clue about.

Akane sighed and slipped back down onto the sand.  'At least it's him
and not me,' she thought as she slipped off her shirt to continue
tanning.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Nabiki heard the faint beeping of her phone from the bag.  She reached
under the chair and fished it out of the bag and also finding her
forgotten bag of chocolates.  She lifted the silver phone up to the
side of her cheek and pressing the talk button.

"Yes?" she asked, popping a chocolate in her mouth.

"Nabiki," a voice sounded from afar.

"It's my phone, who else would it be, Hikaru?" she asked sarcastically.

"Tsubasa is back in town," he stated quickly.  "He really pissed Ukyou
off and she's been hiding out in the backroom for hours now."

"Do you think we could sell some pictures to him?" Nabiki asked
conspiratorially, lowering her voice in case Akane was listening.

"I didn't follow him," the eavesdropper admitted.  "Konatsu scared him
off, I think.  Tsubasa tore out of here like there was no tomorrow."

"Keep an eye out," Nabiki ordered.  "I'm sure Tsubasa will return
sooner or later.  What about Ukyou?"

"I'm thinking maybe being around Ranma is not a good idea for Akane or
you right now," Gosunkugi said nervously.  "When I say pissed, I mean
really pissed.  I think Tsubasa was lucky he got out of there alive."

Nabiki sighed, not really wanting to cut her outing short.  "I guess I
can leave early," she sighed.  "Ranma is busy fending off Kunou and
Happousai so getting away from him wouldn't be too hard, and convincing
Akane that it's somehow all Ranma's fault would probably take a
sentence or two.  Call me again when she leaves the store."

"Ok."

The phone went silent after her spy hung up.  Nabiki pressed the talk
button again to end the call and slipped out of her chair.  She
stretched out, knowing she was drawing some attention despite being
conservative for the day.

"Akane, let's go," she said, stooping over to pick up her stuff.

Akane gave a muffled, dreamy reply, "Why?"

The middle Tendou daughter popped another chocolate in her mouth before
stowing them back away in her bag.  "Because I'm tired of watching
Ranma make out with Kunou," she huffed, folding up the chair.

"He's doing what?!" Akane screamed, quickly getting to her feet.

Nabiki sweatdropped at Akane's sudden decision to expose herself to
everyone, albeit sand-laden.  She watched quite embarrassed as her
sister barged down to Ranma, who sadly from this distance looked to be
in an embrace with Kunou.  She walloped him back out to sea and then
flattened Kunou before the samurai had a chance to recover from the
sight of Akane's undress.

 
[Boy, what I wouldn't have given for pictures of that!]

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

"Akane, that's MY phone," Nabiki protested as her sister snatched the
beeping phone from her duffle bag.

Akane stuck her tongue out at the older girl.  "It's not like you have
a boyfriend that calls you," Akane justified, lifting the phone up to
her cheek and pressing talk.

 
[Justified does not serve as an adequate substitute for the verb "said".

["It's not like you have a boyfriend that calls you," Akane said to justify
her actions. She lifted the phone to her cheek as she pressed the talk
button.]

Nabiki withheld the urge to yell her thoughts at Akane.  'So,' she
thought angrily.  'Your boyfriend was arranged."

 
[Use "shout" rather than "yell". Most editors will frown at you for using
"yell" in narrative.]

Her father and elder sister were walking ahead of them with a restored
Genma.  As planned, Ranma had been left behind to fend off the evil
master with an all-too willing aide to the cause of justice: namely
Kunou.  Nabiki didn't even want to think about how Kunou would want to
be rewarded for his services to the beleaguered pigtailed goddess.

"Hello?" her sister asked tentatively.  "Ukyou?  Who's this?"  There
was a pause.  "You're that kid in my class."

Nabiki sighed and held out her hand, silently demanding the phone.

"Me?  I'm Akane.  Hello?  Hello?"

"Give me the phone," Nabiki said sternly.  "Gos isn't going to speak to
you."  She added, "Not intelligibly anyways."

Akane shrugged, handing Nabiki the phone.

Nabiki quickly brought the phone up to her ear.  "Nabiki here, you
okay?" she asked quickly.

"Y-you s-said you'd answer the phone," her spy stammered.

"I'm sorry, she took it from me," Nabiki explained, staring at her
sister.

"Ukyou left her shop and is waiting for Ranma at your home," he
informed her.  "She's not technically on your property.  I think she's
afraid you might have a restraining order or something against her."

"Consideration from Ukyou?" Nabiki drawled.  "How cute.  We'll be home
in less than five minutes.  I want you to take pictures if anything
happens noteworthy."

 
[Use "if anything noteworthy happens" or "anything worthy of note happens"
to eliminate the squinting modifier.]

"I understand," he stated.

"You coming to my bedroom again, tonight?" she asked.

"Parents have something planned so if I do it'll be really late," he
admitted.  "Besides I need rest."

"Ok, I'll let you sleep," Nabiki commented, slyly looking at Akane.  "I
don't want to tire you completely out pleasing me."

"Um ... sure.  Bye."

Akane flushed crimson at her words.

Soun flashed up in front of her and shook her shoulders.  "What's this
about having boys over in your bedroom?" Soun demanded.

Nabiki sweatdropped, not liking this turn of events.  "Hey," she
started her protest, "you practically marry off one of your daughters
and then complain about MY activities?  At least I'm sneaking him in
like normal girls do."

 [Arggh! Sweatdropped! Et tu, Tom? Using "sweatdropped"? You're a better
writer than that, dammit!]

Soun began bawling, a tactic that simply disgusted her because she
couldn't reason with him, which was entirely the point of him doing
such.

Nabiki sighed.  "I swear, Daddy, that there is nothing going on between
me and this boy," she assured him.  "He's just one of my business
associates.  I was just teasing Akane."

 
[Too many uses of the word "just". I would drop the last one.]

Akane blinked.  "He said something about Ukyou leaving her place," her
sister declared.  "What are you watching her for?"

Nabiki patted her father's head absently, wondering if she should have
told Gosunkugi ten minutes instead of five at this rate.  "I'm just
trying to keep an eye on both her and Shampoo so we don't have any more
damages," she explained curtly.  She disentangled herself from her
father and started walking away, hoping this would encourage her family
to move along with her.  It did.

Her father recovered almost immediately, annoying her but having to
admit how useful of a tool it would be if she ever decided to grovel
for her wants.

 
[Comma after "her". The meaning of this sentence is not clear in any case,
as you seemed to be trying to say too much with too little.]

'Grovel,' she thought absently.  'Now that's an id....'  She squashed
the thought aside, knowing that what she was doing for Ranma and Akane
was for the best, regardless of what she wanted.

 
[The word "quashed" is preferred to "squashed". Also, delete "aside" or use
"pushed" in lieu of either "quashed" or "squashed". Squashed is actually a
colloquialism and should not be used in narrative. When speaking of
squeezing something, squashed is sometimes used instead of the proper term,
"squished".Yes, I know! It is rather bizarre.]

Nabiki sighed as home came into sight and she caught a glimpse of Ukyou
hiding in the underbrush.  She let her eyes roam the underbrush but she
wasn't able to find Gosunkugi, despite knowing he was there.  She
pretended not to notice Ukyou, though she sensed a tension causing her
to suspect something was going to happen when Ukyou got a hold on
Ranma.

[Comma after "sight". Comma after "underbrush". Use "even though she knew"
instead of despite. Consider streamlining the last sentence. It has too many
starts and pauses.]

'Grovel,' her thoughts echoed as she stepped through the gate and into
the familiar yard.

"No regrets," she uttered softly, underneath her breath.  She smiled at
Kasumi's questioning glance.

'There will always be another,' she reasoned miserably to herself.

 
Like I said before, Tom. I liked this piece. Hope to see more of the series
soon.
 
Don Granberry.


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