allyn yonge wrote:
> My comments@@ Please remember it’s ALL IMO. Take what, if anything,
> you find useful and ignore the rest. As mentioned in my essay and
> elsewhere, I’m now C&Cing based on thing I learned at Akon and as if
> the author were submitting for publication. (For $$ in other words)
Most of your advice applies only to a very limited fraction of the
reading community at large -- not everyone wants to read the same style
of writing 100% of the time.
Since I write neither political drama nor horror/action, we'll see what
advice I can glean from your expert commentary.
>> If I don't reply to your comments (hah, assuming you find this
>> comment-worthy), then now you know why it takes me so long to get
>> back to you. Right. On with the fic, thanks to Rumiko Takahashi,
>> Ken Akamatsu, and Tatsuya Egawa for the colors.
>>
>> Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and go get blitzed.
>>
>> (Post the stuff after ths line, Larry. ;)
>
> @@Editoral comments AFTER the story. Separate disclaimer. Try to
> restrain any inclination to slam another writer in public. Just adds
> fuel to the fire.
Two things to consider here:
1: I take it you are unfamiliar with the concept of a 'foreword'.
'a short introductory essay preceding the text of a book'
2: I am writing this as a note to the pre-readers and the list at large.
While some people see the list as such, I firmly believe it is intended
for C&C, not merely distribution. If I think it's ready to be read by
the world at large, then the final version won't have personal notes
like that, and I'll post it straight to the RAA...F? RAA...C? Crikey. I
haven't had anything worthy of being submitted in so long I forgot which
newsgroup it goes to.
Bleah.
As to the rest... I'll be sure I don't say bad things about Takahashi,
Akamatsu, and Egawa on the list.
>> Ranma woke up with the first lights of the rising sun turning the
>> walls of her room golden, running with a soft amber glow. She
>> stretched carefully, mindful of the silver-haired girl cuddled up
>> against her, and muffled a yawn. "Morning, kiddo," she said
>> sleepily.
>
> @@Pretty. The “ . . .room golden, running with soft amber . . .” was
> a bit confusing on first read.
Hmm. Might be a bit awkward.
>> "Eight treasures," Suu said, frowning. "What's that? Is it
>> delicious?"
>
> @@Cute. I”m coming at this cold, having missed the first chapters AND
> never having seen “Love Hina” or”Goldenboy” so far, very good
> writing. Pace is a bit leisurely for my taste, but seems to fit the
> mood.
Eh... if you're not familiar with at least Love Hina, and the premise of
Goldenboy, a lot of it will be lost on you.
>> Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Takahashi, Viz (Ranma
>> 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa
>> (Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.
>>
>> Notes: Divergences should become apparent as relevant.
>
> @@ Editorial comments at the end. Don’t break the flow with the
> disclaimer. @@@@
Hmm. I've been writing this particular fic like this to use the opening
bit as a mild teaser, then introduce it and disclaim -- I feel it's
disrepectful to the creators of the source material to wait till the
very end to disclaim, excepting spamfics where keeping the respective
series a secret is a major point.
People write differently. I'm not sure which author you're trying to
emulate, but when I write, I'm trying for a more... cinematic style, if
you will. Try and keep the source in mind when you read this -- I would
like to write a novel some day, but at the moment I'm writing a fanfic.
The disclaimer title, etc. -- see them as the eye-catch/title screen of
an episode, if you can.
Not to say I think I'm anywhere on par with the creators of these series
-- just that it's the mood I'm trying to emulate.
>> A soft footstep sounded nearby, and Ranma nodded at her, producing
>> a toothbrush of his own. Suu had finished brushing her teeth
>> already, and then run off to chase Tamago across the roof. Ranma,
>> however, had taken the time to take a bath, as his once-again male
>> form suggested.
>
> @@ Leisurely is fine, but this is almost catatonic. I’m handicapped
> by not know what has come before, so this bit with brushing teeth,
> taking bath, looking into the mirror, may explain something earlier
> or set up something to come. But IMO I think you need to pick up the
> pace a bit.
I'll consider it, but most of this is setting the scene for future
chapters. How Shinobu percieves Ranma is important, especially later and
in the next chapter.
>> "It helps," Ranma said in an offhanded manner, rinsing his mouth
>> out and spitting into the sink. "Aniki used to write down notes
>> like that, too. One of them was, 'The human head is not meant to
>> turn one hundred and eighty degrees. I tried it today. It hurt.'"
>
> @@Hmmmm . . .obviously missing something due to not being familiar
> with the series. @@@@
Kintaro Oe is quite the character....
>> Ranma remained silent, eyes growing large with shock,
>
> @@At first I thought it was shock due to mention of the photo-album.
> You might want to clarify that a bit.
Good point.
>> "I'd rather not say," Ranma said evasively. "But, uh, look at the
>> time, you know?"
>
> @@Ummm . . .why is Ranma being so cryptic? Why not just _explain_
> things (not mentioning H*p***sai by name)? I’ve never been fond of
> setting up a conflict by having a character be deliberately and
> unnecessarily mysterious.
There are reasons for this -- Ranma wants to keep his past a secret as
much as possible, outside of his older brother and a select few other
people. Tsuroko, for example. Also, he's unclear on Naru's perceptions
of him, especially in the context of perversion, so he's trying to
diffuse _that_ specific situation before it could potentially get out of
hand.
> @@ Well, THAT scene was confusing. ^_^ I figure you’re talking about
> Happosai but the rest seemed a bit cryptic. Just a _tad_ more detail,
> esp. to clear up what Ranma is talking about at the very least.
I'm going to try and have to figure out which scene you're commenting on,
here. Stayed up too late.
Okay. I think I see what you're getting at.
But still, the reader doesn't (shouldn't, at least) know all the details
of what's going on here. It's intentionally vague on my part as the
writer. It's intentionally vague on Ranma's part because it's a piece of
the past he doesn't want dug up again.
>> Ranma marched across the lawn area behind the inn, glaring towards
>> the trees. Shinobu had realized that the man had a quick temper
>> that seemed to come and go -- mostly around Motoko -- but she
>> couldn't fathom what had brought up the man's ire this time.
>> Certainly, not why he would be angry about missing panties.
>
> @@ Why is she referring to him as “the man? Why not Ranma? At least
> don’t use “the man” twice so close together @@@@ .
Because he is the man in the scene at the moment. But I only meant to use
it once.
>> Mitsune and Suu stood nearby, the younger girl staring with
>> wide-eyed interest and a curious grin, Mitsune with slightly more
>> concern. "Well, what's all this about?" Mitsune asked after a
>> moment, when no one answered Ranma.
>>
>> "I-" Ranma snapped out, cutting himself off suddenly. He raised his
>> hands, glowering, and stared at them closely. "I'm not sure," he
>> said in a slightly subdued tone. "I... maybe I'm overreacting, is
>> all."
>
> @@ RANMA: “But I’m not going to tell you. It’s too dangerous for you
> to know what’s going on. Now, let’s all split up and search. And
> don’t forget to go swimming naked the first chance you get.” @@@@@
>
> @@For goodness sake, WHY can’t Ranma simply TELL them: RANMA:
> “There’s an incredibly perverted martial artist, looks like an evil
> monkey. HE gets his power by groping women and stealing their
> panties. Just mentioning his name can call him to where you are.
>
> @@He could have said all that and MORE in half the time it’s taken
> him to tell people he’s not sure what’s going on.
If I wanted to dissolve all of the dramatic tension, yeah. He could also
tell them exactly what drove him away from Nerima all those years ago,
too. Heck, I could write the entire story down in about six lines, if
you wanted.
But who wants to read just a summary?
>> "Something wicked approaches," Motoko intoned, drawing her sword,
>> and standing before Shinobu and Suu protectively. "Is this some
>> fell minion that followed you, Oe?"
>
> @@ This way comes? ^_~
Shoot. Grim and terrible.
>> Motoko held her sword in a ready position, her knees shaking
>> slightly, and her eyes wide with shock. Ranma crouched before her,
>> one hand on the earth, the other held parallel to the ground at his
>> side. "Oe," Motoko said softly, taking a staggering step
>> backwards. "What... what have you done?"
>
> @@Yeah. What HAS he done? Not clear from this description.
It's not supposed to be. Not for a moment.
>> Ranma growled, reaching into his shirt, pulling out a frilly black
>> lace bra, and throwing it to the ground. "Saving you a lot of
>> trouble," he spat. "Now stay out of the way, little girl. This is
>> _my_ fight."
>
> @@HUH? Where did THAT come from? And why? Distraction for Happi? You
> should say so in the narrative.
That would be awkward and slow the story down. The implication is that
Ranma took an attack meant for Motoko by jumping in the way. I thought
it was pretty obvious, but the scene probably needs revision.
>> Straightening up, Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "What difference
>> would that make?" he asked. "I don't know why you're here,
>> Happosai, but I don't want you to stay."
>
> <SNIP> really good stuff to make reading earlier. This is where the
> meat of the story is.
Packed in a delicate outer layer of description and setup for later chapters.
>> "Sounds like a challenge, Ranma m'boy!" the man cackled. "Your
>> father Genma may be the master of the Saotome school of Anything
>> Goes, as Soun is the master of the Tendo school of Anything Goes,
>> but I am the grandmaster. If you don't have their permission, then
>> you have to have mine to practice." He rubbed his hands together
>> slowly, grinning from ear-to-ear. "So that means if you can't beat
>> me, you have to beg my students for permission."
>
> @@Now THIS is where you should have started this chapter. From the
> point HAPPOSAI appears:
>
> "A dark, rounded blur like a massive troll or ogre . . ."
>
> or MAYBE just a few lines earlier to set this up. That set-up could
> be the prologue, Perhaps the panty theft.
>
> THIS is the meat of the story. The earler part is, IMO, just filler.
> IF there is information there that’s needed, integrate it into THIS
> section. Good stuff here, a bit wordy. Tighten it a bit to keep up
> the pace, but good stuff.
>
>> <SNIP>
>
> Overall: Not bad. Some interesting character changes here. Nice
> dialogue and narrative. BUT, SLOW, SLOW start. Cut the entire
> beginning, including prologue and start with Happosai. THAT’s the
> story. The rest is just filler. You really get the readers attention
> there and hold it. It’s still too wordy for my taste. I’d suggest my
> “Cut-one-word-in-five” editing rule of thumb to pick up the pace.
> You’re a tad dialogue heavy (more narrative)and tend to have the
> characters, esp. the Ranma/Mokoto interaction, be too cryptic. Make
> the story confusing. The good stuff is really good. Mostly a matter
> of going back and deleting everything that is not directly moving the
> story along.
Thank you for your time, Sir, but I somehow suspect that your commentary
is better suited to a different genre of fanfiction than anything I write.