My comments@@
Everything is IMO ONLY!
Take what you find useful and ignore
the rest.


TaitekiKagato@aol.com wrote:

Well.. here goes. My first post to the often-talked about FFML. Any and all C&
C is more than welcome, and furthermore, appreciated.
I started this fic 2 years ago, and have since touched it up, though added 
little. I intend to change that. It's time to get back into writing. So! 
without Further bla-ing on my part, here's (the newly-named) Slayers: 
Resurgence... ... god I hope I spelled that right. 

@@Disclaimer? Giving credit to the original author(s)?
Put author notes at the end of the story.

~~~begin fic~~~

Prologue

      The balance between the Ryuzoku and Mozaku had been disrupted. Due to 
their inherently reckless bahavior, petty infighting, and the occasionally 
lucky human, the Mozaku now had a far smaller number of high-level minions to 
wreak havoc upon the world as before. These desperate times called for 
desperate measures, and so, an unsteady alliance between the bickering 
leaders of the Mozaku was called for, and a meeting to decide their fate was 
established. 

@@Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

Except that Jaberwocky makes more sense (I can at least look the words
up in the OED) While I like Slayers I have NO idea what you’re talking
about here. Which means, for me at least, that there is NO HOOK.

      The time between making such a decision and gathering was short, but 
Dynast, Deep Sea Dolphin, and Zelas all made it. Along with them were Deep 
Sea's General, Maris, and Zelas' Priest/General, Xelloss. Dynast's 
highest-level minions were on assignment, and Deep Seas Priest had been 
slain, much like Sherra, of Dynast's army had been. A few more higher level 
Mozaku, were also there, because their power, while nowhere near as powerful 
as the three leaders, was still more than any mere human, and they had been 
instrumental in the War of the Mozaku's Fall, taking on hordes of enemies, 
and coming out alive in the end. 

@@Again, what? 
A lot of telling (about people, places and things that have no
refecence) but no SHOW. This needs some narrative.

      Watching the meeting from their positions on the astral plane were 
literally millions of lesser Mozaku,

@@What’s a “Mozaku”?

 all interested in what was about to take 

place. Dynast suddenly spoke up above the rest, quieting all their murmuring. 

@@Is “Dynast” a name or title? Who are what is he/she/it?

<SNIP>

@@Ideally the Prologue should set up the story to
follow. While all of this might make sense to someone
who _knows_ Slayers intimately  . . .it’s gibberish
to me. Also, much too dialogue heavy with 
insufficient narrative to build a picture of what’s 
going on. 

Prologue:
1) WHAT is the critical information to set up the story?
2)WHO/WHAT are the characters/situations you must
introduce here?

After answering those two questions introduce this
information in as FEW words as possible. The prologue
MUST have your HOOK, so you’ve got to get
into the meat of the story as quickly as possible. 
One problem with fanfiction is that if you spend too much 
time re-introducing things, fans of the original story
will get board. OTOH, too little information leaves
people confused. ^_^





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