} From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
} Date: Sat, 29 Jun 2002 22:26:08 -0400
My, I'm behind. So behind that I'm ignoring my backlog, as
it depressed me, and doing something a little more
recent. ;)
I'm afraid I only have time to either C&C this fic, or read
all the C&C already done. So I'll most likely be pointing
out things others have already caught. My apologies.
} Kachiko Tendou awoke with both a start and a splitting headache. Splitting
} in the sense that she would gladly have split her head open and removed her
} brain if it would have brought any form of relief.
I would suggest putting quotes in the second sentence:
'Splitting' in the sense that....
since the word is an object here.
} "Never again." That the words were whispered did nothing to decrease the
} needles of pain that reverberated in her skull. There had to be aspirin
} downstairs to relieve the headache, or barring that, some of the dog that
} bit her to take the edge off the ache.
Maybe "some hair of the dog"? I suppose it works either way.
} The move struck a familiar chord within Akane. The gesture was identical to
} when she was a little girl and had hurt herself falling down a hill or
} scraping her knee trying to match her father's moves when he taught her
} martial arts. A surge of emotion roiled through her entire being, eliciting
} an affection she had not known in years. Water began to fill her eyes as she
} opened her mouth and found herself saying, "OW!"
Heh.
} Akane couldn't argue with the logic of that, largely in part because she was
} uncertain if any was actually involved.
Sure there was. Logic doesn't have to be good.
} "Resilient old perv," Kachiko commented as she walked past his twitching
} form. She continued heading downstairs, even as Akane's cry of, "Dad!"
} reached her ears. Kachiko sighed at that. If her father had been that
} perverted, there's no way she'd ever admit to their being related, even
} under threat of torture. And the girls' outrageous claim that she would ever
} marry such a dirty old man made Kachiko wonder just what drug they thought
} she was on that would have made her commit such a stupid act. It was
} inconceivable. And since it was inconceivable, she stopped thinking about it
} and instead concentrated on getting some breakfast. She hadn't eaten since
} lunch yesterday, the whole time travel thing and finding out she died pretty
} much ruining her appetite. Besides, she needed to take an aspirin or twelve
} to make the pounding in her skull cease.
This is mostly stylistic, but I'd suggest making the "the
whole time travel thing" clause a new sentence. It took me
a little to parse it as is.
} And in a flash of insight it came to Kasumi. The answer had been quite
} simple. After all, hadn't there been a point in Kasumi's own life where she
} had acted horribly out of character, perpetrating Loathsome, Terrible, and
} Unspeakable acts upon her family and those around them?
No, not really.
KASUMI: I meant Loathsome, Terrible, and Unspeakable by my
standards.
} Of course, she
} hadn't been responsible for her actions, but she had still engaged in them
} all the same. And now her mother was displaying similar behaviors: tying up
} visitors, committing acts of violence on her husband, swearing like a
} sailor, and drinking like a full fledged alcoholic rather than in controlled
} quantities like she used to. The signs all pointed to one thing.
The "Kasumi misbehaving" episode was watered down... a lot?
} Kachiko Tendou had been possessed by an oni.
Heh.
} Kachiko considered that. "If I say no, what will you do next?"
}
} Kasumi picked up a hammer she had nearby for just such a scenario. "I can
} hit you in the head and drive the oni out directly."
}
} "I feel wonderfully normal! Your napkin did wonders!" Kachiko shouted
} gleefully.
Heh.
} Kachiko made certain to leave her unnatural smile right where it was. How
} wonderful. One of her 'daughters' was completely deranged. Best to humor the
} girl until Kachiko had a chance to call a psychiatric ward and have this
} 'Kasumi' institutionalized for her own good, as well as time-lost girl's own
} peace of mind. Kachiko had to hand it to herself. Not a mother for a day,
} and she was already acting like a parent, protecting both herself and the
} other people living in her home from harm. Perhaps it would be wise to call
} the police to take care of the pervert that kept trying to fondle her as
} well.
Heh again.
} Kachiko was still in the midst deciding how best to subdue Kasumi when a red
} and blue blur passed by the open sliding door leading to the outside.
Somewhat unfortunately, "red" makes me think that Ranma is
in cursed form here.
} Eyes widened in horror, Kachiko shouted, "Look out! It's an excessively
} violent panda! I'll protect you, Ranma!"
I'm forced to wonder what Kachiko considers a "reasonably
violent panda." ;)
} "That's not a real... Why is there an ofuda sticking to your head?" Ranma
} asked.
RANMA: Family is important, but spirit wards rule.
} Unaffected by the her friend's attitude, Kachiko continued in a tone more
} suited for a classroom than a walk to school. "Fixation Syndrome is a
} condition by which one member of the species, especially if she's had
} limited or no contact with members of the opposite sex, will fixate on the
} first available romantic interest that comes around and decides that he's
} the one she loves no matter what. Reason and reality take a hike since that
} person is so fixated on that one interest that she will ignore any other
} potential partners that come along afterwards, never mind if the other men
} are actually bettered suited to her as a romantic partner."
"actually better suited"
Kachiko's choice of "she/he" in this paragraph struck me as
a little odd, since the discussion came up in terms of Speed
Racer. On the other hand, she's a she. ;) Just a thought.
} A voice called out from an open window high above in the building. "Tetsuo,
} I told you to throw the bucket of dirty water out, not the anvil."
This line needs to win some sort of prize, I feel.
} Sakura returned to Kachiko's side, making certain to show her companion the
} oversized words she had written on a sheet of notebook paper. "Speed and
} Trixie: 2gether 4ever."
}
} "Oh, just shut up," Kachiko grumbled as they resumed their walk to school.
I'll admit to being rather slow today, but I feel like there
is some signficance to what Sakura has done that I'm missing.
} The motorized hum of the rear passenger window rolling down into the car
} reached the girls' ears. Reluctantly, the turned to see a handsome face with
} perfectly crafted brown hair stick out of the window and peer closely at
} them. "Well, if my eyes don't deceive me, I have the good fortune to behold
} two lovely visions of beauty: the vibrant Kachiko Tendou and ever
} sophisticated Sakura Daisho."
I was sure at this point that this was a Kuno.
} Voice dripping with venom, Kachiko grimly intoned. "Great. If it isn't the
} walking ego, and God's self-proclaimed gift to all things female, Icky
} Slutzenin."
But I was wrong. Great nickname, though.
} Kachiko said, "But how can you walk us to school when you have a broken
} leg?"
}
} "I'm afraid you're mistaken. My legs are just fine," Ichiro assured her.
He's rich. He gets a lot of action. He doesn't *need* brains.
} "Gos, Gos, Gos," Kachiko sighed. "Haven't you learned by now that digging up
} the ground is no way to get a girlfriend?"
}
} "It is if you're a necrophile," Ichiro pointed out.
Thanks for that detail.
} Kachiko ignored the comment and went to a nearby sack that was resting
} against the table. It made jingling sounds as the plethora of odds and ends
} clinked and clacked within. "Look at what all this digging has got you." She
} began pulling items out of the sack and tossing them left and right. "Holy
} Grails. Arks of some convent. A crappy old spear that belonged to some putz
} named Loginus. Dead Sea scrolls. Necronmicons. Second editions, mind you.
} Lemurian Serpent Crowns. A philosopher's stone. Gos, you hate philosophy."
} She tossed the stone aside (the item turning the pile of earth it struck
} into gold) and pulled out something that caught her attention. "What's this
} computer keyboard doing in here?"
Ark of the Covenant, Necronomicon, and the Spear of
Longinus. Those spelling mistakes might be intentional
(appropriate under the circumstances), but I thought I'd
point them out to be safe.
} "I found it in a cave in Norway," Gosunkugi explained. "According to the
} ancient stone tablet that was found next to it, it's an ancient interface
} system for something called Yggradsil, the World Tree, which is said to
} control the world. I haven't tried it yet since I don't know what it'll do.
} It's unwise to fool around with something that might control reality as we
} know it. "
"Yggdrasil" is the most common spelling, though I've seen
enough variations not to be entirely sure.
} Hesitantly, Gosunkugi said, "Actually, Ichiro has a metal plate in his
} skull, we've been having problems with locusts lately, and there was a solar
} eclipse scheduled for today."
Ha!
} Gosunkugi said, "I've become convinced that this beautiful demon goddess is
} nothing of the kind, but is in fact an artificial life form created in a
} magnificent world in another dimension that traveled here to Japan in
} ancient times and was buried so that someone would wake her up in the
} future. If I'm right, then all I need to do to make her mine is find her,
} awaken her, and she'll be loyal to me and me alone. At the very least she'll
} owe me big for digging her out of the ground and reactivating her."
Heh. Inspired.
} Gosunkugi's shoulders --which were called that due to the fact that was the
} place where his arms were attached to his body rather than from any actual
} broadness to them-- slumped in abject defeat, which was only slightly lower
} than the usual slump they had. "Let's face facts. I should just kill myself
} and get it over with. The only way I'm going to get a date is if some girl
} that has a thing for skinny, pathetic, guys with no self-esteem suddenly
} appears out of nowhere and asks me out."
And of course, that's the obvious thing to happen now, so
it won't happen, right? Unless you double-fake-out....
} "Ah. Good." Ingrid drove her knee straight into the area between Ichiro's
} legs. He doubled over in agony and crumpled into a tiny, mewling heap on the
} ground.
}
} A plague of locusts descended upon him.
Nice touch.
} Ingrid walked closer until she was standing next to Gosunkugi, easily
} violating what should have been his personal space. She was forced to look
} down at him, due to the fact that he only came up to about chest level on
} her. She turned a sultry stare upon him that seemed to ignite the air.
} "Forgive me for saying and being forward, but you are reminding me of my
} ex-boyfriend. I am hoping that we can be friends. Maybe close friends.
} Perhaps we go out to dinner and get to know one another better after school.
} I pay for everything, of course."
Ahh, a double-fake-out! ;)
For the record, we've actually seen Hikaru Gosunkugi's mother
in the Gosunkugi battle-armour arc. Ingrid does not seem to
meet her description. ;) On the other hand, this might not be
Hikaru's dad, or perhaps the Gosunkugi creepiness is
infectious -- a theory to which I'll ascribe. :)
} Shoulders suddenly firming up for the first time in his life, Gosunkugi
} turned away, an amused grin on his face. "Well, I don't know. I have so many
} women after me, I'm not sure if I can fit you Urk!"
Living proof that all men just want to be jerks.
} Kachiko smirked confidently. "Which means the real curse is buried somewhere
} in the phrasing so that you don't realize it's there. It's camouflage. I'm
} telling you."
Now, this is the sign of a future archaelogist, right here.
} "Your doom, stupid! Pay attention when I proclaim the day of your
} reckoning!" The girl shouted.
Heh.
} ....Beautiful and vivacious girl in half. It was a tremendous battle that
} lasted well past third period. It raged across the width and breadth of
} Tokyo. Singers sung the tale of the conflict between the force from Hell as
} it strove against the flesh and sinew of mortal woman. The battle
} encompassed such a tremendous scope that it is legendary even to this day."
I think it should be "Singers sang the tale." (As oppposed
to "The tale was sung".) However, I'll readily confess that
I'm forced to rely on my intuition for this aspect of English.
} She looked up at the beast and said, "Why Mr. Saotome, you're wearing tinted
} contact lenses."
"Why, Mr. Saotome"
} "FOOLISH MORTAL, YOU DARE TO IMPLY THAT MY APPEARENCE... SAY, I WOULD LOOK
} BETTER WITH GREEN EYES, WOULDN'T I?!"
Heh.
} The demon swiveled its head around, face full of hatred directed at the one
} who dared interrupt its schemes concerning the destruction of the human
} race, as well as improving his style. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
"his style" should be "its style. And I think it should be
"human race and the improving of its style"; currently, I
think your final sub-clause binds to "face full of hatred."
} "OH, WELL THAT'S EASY. FIRST I EXTERMINTE HUMANITY. THEN-"
EXTERMINATE.
Gosh, I feel like a Dalek!
} Ranma said, "We'll drop it off with the Old Ghoul. She'll know the best way
} to either get rid of it or seal it away forever."
Because she's had such a good track record with keeping
ancient Amazon magics from being misused so far....
} *You'll pay for that one, boy. I won't include you on my schemes for world
} domination,* Genma signed and went after Ranma again.
Heh.
} In the middle of the room there was a completely naked Kachiko Tendou,
} sitting on a stool, completely naked and in the process of cleaning her
} completely naked body off with a bucket of water. She had lathered some soap
} on her form, and Ranma would have liked to have said the bubbles covered up
} the normally hidden parts, but that would have been too easy. Instead, all
} of the most interesting parts of her body were quite free of everything save
} a sheen of water that only served to display all of the girl's attributes in
} an even more erotic manner. And except for the hips, Ranma could positively
} certify that Kachiko was built a lot like Akane.
I might suggest using "completely naked" even more
throughout this paragraph.
} "I'm sorry," Ranma blurted out. One of these days apologizing was going to
} work and make everything better. It wasn't going to happen today, of course,
} but someday.
Hope springs eternal!
} "Great. Another daughter no one thought to tell me about," Kachiko said in a
} tired voice, "Well, get in here and help me wash by back."
"wash my back."
} In Ranma's mind, the offer was translated into, "Well get in here and enjoy
} certain death at everyone's hands if you even consider for a moment doing
} what I suggest."
"Well, get in here" (comma)
Ranma does have a grasp of the feminine language.
} The scene had now become so horrible that all Akane could do was stand there
} and gurgle incoherently as the veins began popping up one at a time across
} her forehead.
I share her pain.
This story is going to end up one of your raunchier ones,
isn't it? ;)
} Kachiko continued pondering things. "But by refusing to touch me, he
} insulted me by implying my body wasn't worth touching." She plunged his head
} back in the water.
}
} Akane wanted to protest, but what her mother was saying made sense.
Well, in case you were wondering if they really were related.....
} Everyone looked at the unconscious Ranma, slumped in a sitting position next
} to the bath.
}
} Nabiki shot the unconscious youth a disdainful look. "Bah. Why did I even
} bother?" she pulled the back out of the camera and exposed the film.
Oh, she is cruel. You, too. Though it's nice to see a fic
not taking the name so literally for a change.
} "No, no, no. That's not perverted. It's just showing a healthy interest in
} members of the opposite sex. There's a world of difference between that and
} perversion. We'll have to make a day of it and hit a locker room and I'll
} show you what I mean."
Heh.
} "Uncomfortable. I know what you mean. We're a lot alike." She took Akane
} aside. "You want to know something? I didn't want to say it out loud, but
} your sisters must have gotten their racks from your dad's side of the
} family, because they sure didn't get it from mine." Kachiko grabbed a
} bathrobe and put it on. "That reminds me, I don't have any extra clothing,
} so I'm going to borrow some of yours."
}
} "Sure. You'll probably need some extra clothing, too. I can loan you some of
} mine, since we're about the same size," Akane said in somewhat better
} spirits. It was almost as though she and her mother were bonding, which made
} her feel very odd. She was silent as she considered the matter.
They seem to be repeating each other here.
} Akane and her mother exited the room, leaving a naked Ranma lying next to
} the tub. Silence reigned for only a few moments as Ranma woke with a start,
} shouting out, "I didn't see anything, especially that distinctive mole on
} the inside of your..." he trailed off as he realized he had been dreaming.
} The last thing he remembered was... too much of what had actually happened
} before unconsciousness had blissfully taken matters into its own hands.
} Looking around, he assessed his current situation.
The phrasing seems a bit odd for Ranma. Maybe, "I didn't
see anything! Not even that mole on the inside of...."
} "Heh, sure got away with one that time." Ranma smirked as he eased himself
} into the still tepid waters of the tub. He rested his head back against the
} side and put a hand towel over his eyes so he could relax and enjoy his warm
} soak.
Heh.
Fun chapter. It was nice to see the antics of Kachiko
independent of the current Nerima crew, to really establish
her character. Looking forward to the next.
Bjorn