Comments/corrections are to be used and/or ignored to the author's whim. And 
on with the show...

Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.  Key: The Metal Idol written and
created by Hiroaki Sato, and owned by Viz Video.

I thought Viz only owned distribution rights? Ah well. *files away new 
knowledge*

Key to the Heart: Chapter One
by Thermopyle (thermopyle@tds.net)
http://thermopyle.anifics.com/index.html

#####

Ranma raced along the fence-tops, slipper-clad feet balancing easily
upon the thin wooden surface as he used his formidable skills to keep
his burden from becoming upset.  The fact that this was the last

'...used his formidable skills to keep his burden from becoming upset.'

-could be--> '...used his formidable skills to keep from upsetting his 
burden.' But whatever works. ^_^

*snip*

Cologne had pretty much blackmailed him into serving as a delivery >girl 
over the last few days since three people were needed to run the
Nekohanten at full steam; one person to cook, a second person to wait >on 
the restaurant customers, and a third person to make deliveries.  >As the 
old ghoul had said, a large portion of their business was in >deliveries 
and since she had to go and deal with some kinda Amazon >matter they needed 
to have an extra person to help out.  Otherwise, >they would have to close 
for the period of time that she would be >gone, due to the much-decreased 
cost effectiveness the restaurant >would suffer with only two workers.  
When Ranma had said he didn't >really care if they shut down, she told him 
that if he didn't want to >play delivery-girl that would be perfectly fine 
as well, since it >would give Shampoo some free time to spend with her 
husband.  He'd >quickly agreed, knowing that one beating by Akane after a 
day of >being hugged by Shampoo would be better than being malleted 
numerous >times during the day as Akane actually SAW the hugs.  At least 

Cologne had insisted that he make the deliveries while in his girl >form, 

since their customers were used to a pretty girl arriving at >their 
doorstep with bowls full of ramen and a heaving chest from >trying to catch 
her breath, which gave him an excuse to use it to >keep Shampoo from being 
too pushy throughout the day.

That last bit didn't really make a lot of sense to me. Why would Shampoo be 
pushy to him? Because better he be leered at than her? Also, you might want 
to make that last sentence two sentences.

por ejemplo: 'At least Cologne had insisted that he make the deliveries 
while in his girl form. Their customers were used to a pretty girl...'

Still, he was expecting an attack from Akane and possibly Ryouga, if
he'd shown back up yet, as soon as he got home, which is why he

Might want to change 'if he'd shown back up yet,' to 'should he show up,'.

*snip*

The doorway opened into a hallway that lead to a series of doorways

Might want to replace that second 'doorways' with 'doors' to sound 
frequently repetative.

on either side and when he stepped forward and looked through the >first 
doorway, which was on the right, he stopped in surprise.

The grammatical structure is sound, but you might want to refrain from using 
so many commas in your writing. Try alternating with periods and starting 
with new sentences. It still complements the initial paragraph idea, and 
doesn't put as much strain on your reader to take in such a long thought all 
at once. It also makes it easier to see where you can cut one paragraph into 
two paragraphs.

por ejemplo:
'The doorway opened into a hallway that lead to a series of doors on either 
side. When he stepped forward and looked through the first doorway on the 
right, he stopped in surprise.

Inside were two men and a girl, all three staring at him.  One of the

'Inside were two men and a girl, all three staring at him.'
-should be--> 'Inside were two men and a girl; all three staring at him.'

*snip*

He shrugged, judging it none of his business, and moved to leave.  He
heard talking as he was about to go by the door to the room those >people 
were in, and he slowed down, hoping to find out why the girl >looked 
familiar.

"Key...is leaving," said a quiet, mechanical sounding voice.  The

might want to switch mechanical with monotone instead. Mechanical brings to 
mind Alpha 5, which should really never be brought to anyone's mind. ^^;

girl's, he supposed.  Then there were footsteps, two sets by the >sound, 
and a light slapping noise.  Another voice spoke and Ranma >recognized it 
as belonging to the thin man.

"You think you can do that, having already come this far?" he asked.

"Key...cannot?" said the girl.

That was enough for Ranma, and he stepped forward into the doorway to
reveal himself.  He noticed that the thin man had a grip on the >girl's 
wrist, and she was trying, although not very hard, to pull >away.  She 
wasn't actually struggling, her other hand hung limply, >holding a red 
duffle bag by her side, and she wasn't trying to kick >or hit the thin man 
at all; she just kept pulling determinedly on her >captive arm.

"Hey, what's goin' on here?"

KEY: They want me to do ecchi things for fun and profit!
RANMA: So...you're another fiancee?

The thin man turned to look at him and scowled when he saw that Ranma
was still there.  The girl kept pulling on her arm, not turning from >her 
task.

"It's none of your business," said the man.  "The girl is trying to
renege on a small business agreement.  Now, get out."

Looking at the girl again, Ranma shook his head.  "No way.  Let her >go, 
before I make you."  He stepped into the room and took up an >offensive 
stance, not one he normally used but something to indicate >his readiness 
to fight.

The thin man smirked slightly, then gestured with his free arm >through 
another doorway, which he and the girl were standing near.

Noticed you like to use 'which' a lot. You might want to alternate with just 
a straight sentence instead of breaking it off into a comma and phrase.

The big man, who had been absent, stepped back into the room, having >to 
duck slightly to fit.  "As I said, this is none of your business," >the 
thin man repeated.  "However," he looked Ranma over, his eyes >showing 
appreciation at the sight of an ample chest and >proportionately long legs, 
which the short and tight Chinese dress >accentuated nicely, "if you're so 
interested, why don't you stay?"

RANMA: Perverted leers do not work on me, only money. *gestures with hands*

The big man stepped towards Ranma, cracking his knuckles in an
impressive manner, causing his whole upper body to flex in different
areas.  The man's face took on a slightly menacing expression, and he
obviously expected Ranma to retreat through the still open hallway at
his back.

Ranma looked at him doubtfully, which caused the man to hesitate.  >"You 
don't even practice martial arts, do ya?" he asked.  The man had

BLONDIE: Well, does Tae Bo count?

*snip*

Ranma ignored the jerk and moved towards the girl, reaching out to >offer 
her help in getting up.  When she accepted Ranma noticed with >surprise 
that her hands were very small, even more so than his girl >form's, and 
very soft, quite unlike his hands or those of his various >fianc�es, who 
all had rough calluses from practicing martial arts.

RANMA: These soft hands... I must have them BOTH!
KEY: Not in this lifetime you don't.

These hands didn't look like they were ever used to 'punish' some boy >in 
any way, which was fairly uncommon.  What a strange girl.

You might want to tack on 'What a strange girl, he thought.'

He also saw that the dark bruise which had discolored her forearm >just 
minutes before was now completely gone.  Maybe she really was a >martial 
artist?

KEY: No, but I play one on TV.

*snip*

He began handing her one item at a time, waiting until she'd placed >it 
into the bag neatly before giving her the next.  When she was >putting the 
dress away he looked at the picture in his hand, which >was the last thing 
of hers that he had.  What it showed was a >complete surprise.

"You know Akane?" he asked.  The picture showed a younger version of
this girl, as well as one of Akane.  They were both wearing the same

Aw...no Sakura-chan in this one? Have to rethink how canon is being used in 
this, if at all. ^_^;

*snip*

school outfit, blue dresses with long sleeves that went all the way >down 
to their ankles, and the girl was looking straight at the camera >as Akane 
hugged her from the side with a big grin on her face.  Akane
looked kinda cute, actually, not at all like her usual self, even >though 
the picture was a year or two old.  The building behind them >in the 
picture confirmed that guess, with the words 'Mamioda Junior >High' written 
on the side.

Tearing his eyes away from the picture, he saw that the girl was >still 
looking at him, her hand held out and awaiting the picture.  He >handed it 
to her, then repeated, "You know Akane?"

KEY: She's my girlfriend and my pimp.
RANMA: ... You too?

*snip*

Was that a yes?  He guessed so.  "Okay, follow me."  He jumped up >onto the 
nearby fence and started back towards the Nekohanten, being >sure to keep 
his pace at a normal walk so she could keep up.  Key >followed without 
comment, staying right beside him.

On the fence? Well, will wonders never cease? Hmm...interesting. I kinda 
always thought Key would be one to take more conventional methods in doing 
things, but what do I know? ^_^;

After a few minutes of throwing glances at her, expecting her to say
something about his travel methods, he relaxed a little and enjoyed >the 
silence.  It was different, walking along side this girl.  >Normally it 
would be Akane on the ground, and even when she was quiet >he had always 
been able to sense anger or annoyance from her.  For >some reason his 
fiancee always seemed to think he was showing off >when he fence-walked, 
rather than just accepting it as balance >practice as he'd told her it was. 
 This girl, though, seemed to not >care where he was walking despite the 
occasional odd looks from other >pedestrians, which weren't always directed 
just at him.

After a minute or two of walking they arrived at an intersection, and
rather than jumping down from the fence and walking across the street
normally, he leapt over the road and onto a fence on the opposite >side. 
Looking back to see Key's reaction, he continued as normal.  >All she did 
was look both ways to make sure there weren't any cars >coming, and then 
sped up slightly to catch up.  When she did catch up >he was almost halfway 
to the next intersection and she just slowed >down and kept walking at his 
pace without any complaint.  What an odd >girl.

'What an odd girl.' -could be--> 'What an odd girl, he mused.'

*snip*

She stopped beside him.  "Key understands," she said.

With that, he dashed forward, letting himself stretch his legs out,
short though they currently were, for this last stretch.  He was

That sentence seems confusing and repetitive. ^^;

*snip*

"Owww..." He rubbed his nose and wiped the dirt off his forehead.  >That 
had hurt, he'd been completely surprised.  He hopped to his feet >then 
looked over at the Key, who had stopped a couple of feet from

'...then looked over at the Key,' -should be--> '...then looked over at 
Key,'

She leaps tall fences in single bounds? Keen. I'm guessing this physically 
adept ability is Key's defense against the inbound craziness of Nerima?

*snip*

Sure enough, there was a kettle of water on the stove with the eye >set to 
LOW, just hot enough to trigger the change.  He dumped the >contents on his 
head and felt himself grow taller, his muscles grow >and his body suddenly 
feel more powerful, and a few other things he >didn't really like to think 
about change in certain ways.  It wasn't >until he heard a slight gasp that 
he realized his error.  He was so >used to people knowing about his curse 
that he'd forgotten that Key >wouldn't have heard about it.  Still, he was 
glad he'd gotten some >kind of reaction out of her, that creepy 
expressionless thing she had >going was kinda scary.

KEY: ... This will make our sex-making much more interesting.
RANMA: Meep.

When he turned to look at her though, he didn't see what he was
expecting.  She wasn't backing up, horrified, or staring with
fascination, or even pinching herself.  Instead, he found himself
captured by the most soulful brown eyes he'd ever seen.  Key's hair,
previously a light gray, was now a rich brown with dark red >highlights. 
Her eyes, too, were brown, almost black with the way they >seemed to suck 
light in.  Her face, though, looked entirely >different.  Before, it had 
been stiff and pale, completely >expressionless as her wide-open eyes 
stared forward without any sign >of what she felt or was thinking.  Now her 
eyes were filled with >tears, her mouth turned into a small smile, her face 
filled with >warmth and happiness.  It was a warmth he knew.

"Key-chan?" he whispered.

Would he actually know her name, considering her grandfather made it up for 
her, or did he make it up for her in this alternate story? Well, more notes 
on questioning canon at the end of the story.

"Ranma-chan!" she replied, throwing herself forward and wrapping her
arms around him, holding tight.

Completely stunned, he accepted the hug without the slightest
hesitation, his hands slipping past her waist and pulling her to him.
She was smaller now, the top of her head coming up to his nose, and >the 
difference in height made things awkward, but he didn't really >notice. It 
was Key-chan.  He hadn't seen her in years.

She pulled back slightly and he let her go grudgingly, missing the
closeness he'd had with his best friend when they were younger.  She
looked up at him, still smiling.  "Ranma-chan, I've-"

"Pervert!"

Ranma's head whipped around in surprise, not at all expecting that >voice 
to intrude so suddenly, and he saw the approaching mallet.  He >pushed Key 
away quickly, and then it hit him in the face, and he was >thrown across 
the kitchen and into the wall.  The last thing he saw >before everything 
faded away was Akane's angry face and red, flaring >aura.

To be continued.

Notes:  As I think I said in the previous email, I'm going to have to 

rewrite this.  I pretty much forced it out when I wasn't sure how I >was 

going to write the story, and it suffered somewhat because of >that.  I 
definitely need to tone down Akane's implied/stated >behavior, as it isn't 
going to fit with this at all.

Depending on what you decide to do with the story, she can be a help or 
hinderance, true.

The reunion between Ranma and Key has to be reworked because it has rather 

obvious romantic tones, which really don't belong, either.

I sort of agree on that point. Ranma seems to be remembering her for reasons 
that I wouldn't have assumed. I actually would have thought he recognized 
her through some odd empathetic bond developed from his time around her when 
they were younger. But that was my guess. ^-^;

I haven't
looked at this in months and months, so odds are good that there is 

something else that will need to be redone as well, aside from the 
generally bad writing which I could see even on a quick look-through. 
Run-on sentances and too-lengthy paragraphs, things stated unclearly >or 

in ways that simply don't sound right, etc.  Just bad writing.

Not bad writing. On the technical side, you favor a repetitive use of 
phrases and conjunctions where it would be easier to use semicolons and 
periods. It's not really that atrocious, but the commas at one point 
distantly reminded me of my British Lit class, where there are usually two 
periods per paragraph. But as I said, it really isn't that bad at all.

Anyway, comments are definitely appreciated, especially >thoughts/questions 
on the actual content.  :)

I really like this story. It's attempting to blend two VERY different 
characters (both of whom happen to be some of my favorites), and shows good 
potential in doing so. The main things I could see coming in conflict with 
the story are only two:

Characterization: Key in the story is much more 'bouncier' than Key of the 
manga and anime (though I'm only familiar with anime Key). Her 
characteristic robot belief doesn't present strongly, since she had little 
trouble matching Ranma's superhuman agility and stamina, yet any other time 
she would faint from exhaustion. Depending on the next chapters, that could 
help or hurt her. Also, the earlier comment on Ranma comes to mind. Wouldn't 
he more recognize her from a deeper bond than just physical traits? Key does 
look different in her monotone mode, but to that line of thought on Ranma's 
physically recognizing her, not that different from the more compassionate, 
emotional Key.

Canon: You have a romantic comedy with martial arts action in Ranma 1/2, and 
you have a dramatic tragedy with violent action in Key: The Metal Idol. To 
blend the two raises a question - will you ignore canon? If so, which, and 
to what extent? I can't remember clearly, but I'm sure that some point Key 
gained her nickname from her townsfolk, yet Ranma immediately recognized her 
with that nickname. Does that mean he gave it to her? Also, there's Akane 
with the picture with Key, replacing Sakura. If you're taking the story in 
detail, that majorly misplaces the Tendos as a whole, stating that at some 
point, either Akane Tendo was a transfer student (which would be believeable 
if she didn't live far from Key, but I'm not sure how close her little 
remote village would be to Tokyo, Nerima specifically), or her entire family 
eventually moved to Nerima. Depending on what you want to mix/match/ignore 
with the canon settings of both R1/2 and K:TMI, it can hinder the 
believability of the story and/or characterization overall.

I hope that jumble helped in some way. Good luck with the next chapters, and 
I look forward to them. ^__^

- Kenji M. (KMurasaki@Hotmail.com)

Kenji's Nexus:
http://www.geocities.com/nexuslink

Random Plug:
http://www.gre.org

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