Yeah Comments!

----- Original Message -----
From: "Troy Thomas" <Silentnova@go.com>
To: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>; "FFML mailing list"
<ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Monday, June 10, 2002 3:08 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Utena] To Save A Prince, Chapt 1

Hi, I'm Troy Thomas. Here are some comments. Take what you like. Ignore

the rest.

Hi, Troy.  And thanks.  I won't respond to everything.  Me saying I did bad
isn't very worthwhile.

A small white archway marked the entrance of the school.  Ranma stared

skyward, peering at the emblem boldly emblazoned upon the crest of the arch.

'Ranma stared skyward' is a bit awkward. I suggest something like:
Ranma stared at it, peering at the

<

Ranma walked onto the campus grounds, the months of searching behind him.
It felt lighter, a little happy as he finally arrived.

What is 'It', exactly?
Ranma? The campus grounds? Or the months of searching?
It can be any one of the three, so 'It' needs to be identified with

something beforehand.

KP:  oops, the dangers of last minute edits...

manicured floral arrangements and he felt like he had entered another

world.

Gulping, he remembered he had to breath as he walked erratically down the
beautiful walkway that was composed of white marble and lined by a small
brick wall that seemed to hold back the teeming mass of white and pink
flowers beyond.  The flowers were in full bloom, beautiful pastel colored
petals that overlapping each other gave the impression of a lovely

picture

The flow seems a little bumpy. I suggest something like:
The flowers were in full bloom, beautiful overlapping pastel colored

petals gave the impression of a lovely picture.

KP:  I think I'll steal this.  Thanks.

and knowing she would one day be chasing him around, like all the girls

in

this school would be.

I think this could be a good place to show off a bit of Ranma's arrogance:
and knowing if he was cleaned up, her entire demeanor would be quite the

opposite of dismissive.

KP:  ^_^

<

He paused to consider his answer.  This man set him on edge and he

wondered

if he should bolt.  It was unidentifiable, but likewise undeniable the
sexual energy that this person exuded and it creeped him out.  It wasn't

the

crude overt feelings that Shampoo or Kodachi would sometimes try and

employ,

nor was it the casual cuteness that he noticed from Akane or the

occasional

other girl.  This was something in-between, it was more subtle, more
enticing... disgusting.

Very nice scene.

KP:  Thankies

<

He believed he saw the man twitch at mention of his name, but Akio said,

He twitched at what name, exactly?

KP:  ahh... Ranma's.   I'll change to make it clearer.

"Why did you want to attend?"

That sounds a bit awkward for someone to ask. I'd actually expect him to

ask in the present tense, do rather than did.

KP:  good point


Thanks again, Troy!



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