As others have said, reading it through a second time lets one notice
all sorts of things that one missed the first time.
Not all of these things are of equal importantce to the story, but
they're all interesting in their own way.
I'll just comment on the ones I haven't seen others comment on.
And, as others have said, my opinions are only my own, feel free to
ignore tham, and take them with a grain of salt, etc., etc..
C. Richard Davies wrote:
As they cook, she gets a jar of milk and a squeeze-bottle of cherry
jam out of the refrigerator.
Are there places where milk is still sold (delivered?) in glass jars?
Cardboard milk cartons or plastic jugs are the modern US way for milk to
be sold -- glass jars seems old fashioned. Putting that in contrast
with a (presumably plastic) squeeze-bottle of jam is clearly intended to
make a statement about this world. But I'm not quite certain what that
statement is.
Oh, and ITYM jelly, not jam, since jam is too lumpy to come out of a
squeeze bottle. Well, unless it's been pureed to the point where it
might as well be jelly.
She pauses to bestow a pleasant smile on Miss Watanabe, who responds
with the cold expression of a shark examining a succulent human
appetizer from behind a transparent aluminum barrier. It puts a bit of
lift in her step as she heads for her locker.
Eh? Miss Watanabe is looking at Lara in an unpleasantly hungry manner,
and Lara *enjoys* the attention? How peculiar.
Oh, and "transparent aluminum"? Does this exist in your universe? If
so, then I'd love to know what directions science there has developed.
Thus far, there haven't been any very bad days -- ones where
the victim dies after she "frees" them, or has killed other innocents
-- nor any embarrassing episodes involving the police.
The phrase "ones where the victim dies" almost sounds like that it *has*
happened, and more than once.
Perhaps:
Thus far, there hadn't been any very bad days --
where the victim died after she "freed" him, or had
killed other innocents -- nor any ....
And, although it might lose some meaning, and might sound like a
statement of the obvious, I might change the " -- nor any ...," into, "
-- and she hoped there never would be one."
"No. I am a survivor." Seeing Sam frown, she elaborates. "Suppose
that Iell you all that I know. What need do you have for me then?"
"Are you suggesting --"
"No, I'm saying it more or less directly."
Sam stares at her. It's the first time she's ever been accused of
contemplating deliberate murder. (Well, except for when Diane has done
it, but that doesn't count.)
I wonder who Diane accused Sam of murdering?
"Huh?" Sam asks, returning to look at Ruen. "Oh. I've still got a
Typo: Ruen -> Rune.
"Somebody asked you to come here, to Japan, from this Dark
Kingdom, in order to give me -- and I guess other people, too --
these devices," Sam begins slowly. "My question is, why you?"
I forget, was it actually mentioned in chapter 1 that the name of the
place the bad guys come from was the "Dark Kingdom?"
Rune blinks. "I don't under--"
"Why did this person choose you, and not someone else?"
The confusion finally appears in Rune's expression. "How in the
world should I know what she was thinking? I ... I suppose that she
had some way of finding out those who had doubts about the Cru--" She
stops in mid-word, staring in horror at Sam's calm, attentive face.
"You tricked me."
It's been noted that "Cru-" could be any number of things, but noone's
commented on the fact that it was a "she" that recruited Rune.
Also, she didn't say "finding out that I had doubts," it was "finding
out those who had doubts." So there are others?
"Yes." There is no pride there, only patience.
The cat is plainly visible in the woman's eyes, in her mouth, and
in her suddenly curled fingers. "You may have *killed* me, you little
--"
"Then wouldn't it be a good idea to make sure that I can protect
you from whoever you just betrayed?" Sam asks. "And want to?"
Rune didn't give away *that* much information -- would her mistress
really destroy her for that little bit?
Irritated by the refusal of the half-breed clerk to produce the
publications that she wants, Lara turns to examine his publicly
displayed goods. She has no intention of buying anything -- graphic
books are for children, and she left childhood behind years ago.
Who says that comics are for children? Often, serial comics have plots
that are quite complicated and grown up. And I don't mean grown up in
terms of H/XXX, though some involve that, too.
And then ... something very strange happens. The blonde murmurs
somethinghat Lara can't quite make out, and light streams out from
her, so brightlyhat Lara has to close her eyes. When she can bear to
open them again, someonelse is standing where Sam stood. Actually, her
first thought is to wonder how exactly the girl managed to grow a pair
of waist-length ponytails. Then she notices the skirt. *She* wouldn't
wear something as daring as that.
The different girl speaks, and does so in a voice higher than
Sam's. "How dare you take on this man's seeming and use it to molest
this girl, who has already suffered enough?"
Hmm, in the Sailor Moon manga, if bystanders saw them in and out of
uniform, they recognized them as the same person. The Senshi just made
an effort not to be seen.
Clearly, you're chosing to do things differently.
Lara can't quite bring herself to hurry on someone else's say-so,
Not even in the middle of a fight?