----- Original Message -----
From: "Sam Vilsmeier" <syp104@email.psu.edu>
To: "FFML (E-mail)" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Monday, May 27, 2002 5:59 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][R.5/SM][2nd Draft]Awkward Consequences 4
Eh... bit late, on this one.
Nodoka nodded. "Very serious. You are eighteen years old. You are legally a
man, and soon you will be a father. It is time for you to make your own
decisions."
'start making your own decisions.' seems to fit better.
Ranma smirked. His mom must have hit her head or something. Oh well, he has
no complaints.
Oh well, he wasn't going to complain.
or
Oh well, he had no complaints.
has no... sounds kinda present-tense to me.
In seconds Nodoka's cheerful tone returned and she continued. "Now we just
have to break it to your father."
For some reason I see her as being cheerful throughout this whole exchange...
Ranma chuckled; he had already dealt with that problem. "It'll have to wait,
he's leaving on a training trip with Happousai tomorrow."
chuckled. He had...
"I guess we will have to tell him before he leaves," replied Nodoka.
"Then I guess...
or
I guess we'll have...
As it is, it sounds kind of abrupt. Then I guess... lessens the problems, so
does 'we'll' by making her speech slightly less formal. Either one would work
equally well.
Ranma face twisted into a grimace, he had been hoping that he could be
happily married and away from the Tendo Dojo before he had to tell his Old
Man. "Mom, you have got to be shitting me."
Ranma's face twisted into a grimace. He had been hoping he could be married
and...
married, not happily married. It's too early to tell, for that.
Tendo dojo? This makes more sense, to me, but I'm not completely sure. Tendo
home wouldn't be capitalized, after all, so I'm not sure that Tendo dojo would
be, unless it was the actual name of the place. I don't think there's a sign
there that says 'Tendo Dojo', though. More likely any such sign would say
something along the lines of the type of martial arts taught at the place.
old man. lower case.
Nodoka scowled, "No, I am not. He is your father, and he should be informed
of you decision."
scowled. "No, I am.. --scowling isn't part of her speech, so it's seperated
by a period, not a comma.
your decision.
"Mom," growled Ranma. "That dirty old Panda would stop at nothing to unite
the schools, honor be damned. He would be totally against the idea, and
would do everything he could to stop it."
panda.
could do to prevent it. --you just used 'stop' in the previous sentance.
"What about what you said? Make my own decisions? Besides, the last thing we
should do is go over to the Tendo's and tell them! Nabiki would make sure
this was public knowledge before the end of tomorrow!"
Tendos'. there are more than one, so it's plural posessive.
Nodoka smiled. "Who said anything about the Tendos? If it's true that he is
going on a training trip, then he will visit tonight." Nodoka blushed, and
continued. "He always visits the night before he leaves on a trip." With a
girlish giggle she said, "That's how you came about."
giggle, she said, "That's...
Ranma's faced twisted into an absolutely diseased expression. There are some
things children wish to be left in the dark about. In a weary, sickened
voice he replied, "Ok... I'll see you later mom."
absolutely disgusted expression. diseased doesn't really sound quite right...
could go either way, though, i guess.
There are some things children didn't like to hear from their parents. --as
it is, it could be taken to mean that Ranma is a child. With the change to
'from their parents', however, the 'children' comes to mean the people born of
those parents, without really having as much of a meaning with regards to the
age involved. So that would probably be the better way to state it.
Nodoka blinked. "Where do you think you going? You're the one who is going
to tell him. Now lets go inside."
Eh... Sudden collapse of the brain, here. I'm still pretty sure that it
should be "let's", not 'lets'. It's a contraction for 'let us', not something
a word meaning 'to allow'. "This bonus lets me put a down payment on a new
car!" Nice bonus, but you see what I mean. ^_^;
Ranma sighed and pulled out a cigarette, which was promptly smacked out of
his hand. With a sigh of acceptance, he followed his mother into the house.
Why couldn't anything ever be easy?
I don't know if Ranma would try smoking around Nodoka, especially when it was
time to go inside the house. That seems rather far-fetched.
"Yes Setsuna, I almost had a heart attack," replied Michiru as she attempted
to catch her breath, and steady her footing. She has almost fallen over.
Yes, Setsuna, I almost had a heart attack," added Michiru...
Michiru isn't talking to Haruka, here, she's talking to Setsuna. This means
that she shouldn't be making a reply right after Haruka speaks, because it
gives the impression that her words are a response to what Haruka said,
instead of what Setsuna did. So, instead, she would be adding to what Haruka
said, that the joke wasn't funny, with a statement about how the joke was so
unfunny that it almost gave her a heart attack.
Setsuna shook her head. "Let me put this in another way. Hotaru has a bun in
the oven. She is in a family way. What I'm trying to say is, Hotaru is
pregnant!"
in another way: Hotaru has...
The last sentance simply doesn't work. Setsuna has already said that Hotaru
is pregnant, at the end of the previous chapter. When you say, 'What I'm
trying to say is,' it is usually because you are rephrasing earlier statements
for clarity. Since she has already said that Hotaru is pregnant, however, she
can't clarify with an exact repitition any more than the earlier statement had
already provided for.
So, while I do think you should have something there, it shouldn't be that
sentance. Instead, change it to something else with the same meaning. Just r
ephrase it somehow.
Michiru wobbled on her feet for a moment with a look of absolute dread.
"Setsuna, you're not kidding?"
Wobbling on feet isn't related to having a look of absolute dread. You should
seperate the two somewhat.
Michiru wobbled on her feet for a moment before collapsing into a nearby
chair. Her face held a look of absolute dread. "Setsuna... you're not
kidding? She's really pregnant?"
You don't have to use this, particularly since I'm not sure where exactly the
three of them are and the location might not have so many chairs available,
but you could definitely benefit from rewording what you already have.
Michiru was the first to speak. Her voice was monotonous, like all the life
had been sucked out of her. She slowly sat down. She was struggling to keep
from fainting. "Oh my god. It makes sense! It makes perfect sense! The
reason why she had been sick in the morning, the reason why her appetite has
been picking up." Her tone changed into a wail of distress as she continued.
"Oh Hotaru-chan, why didn't you tell us?!"
Well, there IS a chair. If you have her sitting down earlier, simply remove
this reference.
Oh, Hotaru-chan, why...
Haruka twitched. Her reaction was the opposite to her lovers, full of fire
and emotion. "I'll kill him. I will hunt the little bastard down to the end
of the Earth and rip off his balls. I will make him regret the day he ever
stole our little girl's innocence! Whoever you are, prepare to die!"
to her lover's,...
end of the earth. --she's not refering to the planet by name, here, but the
planet in general. A bit of a distinction...
Setsuna sighed and shook her head. "Do you think brutalizing the father of
Hotaru's child is going to make her happy?" Haruka, I think the first thing
you should do is beg Hotaru's forgiveness. You said some things that must
have really hit home."
happy? Haruka, I think... --extra quotation mark.
Michiru looked toward Haruka, the pain on her face amplified by a bleak
realization. "What you said! No wonder she ran off! If she's really going to
have a baby...."
Hmm.. toward, or towards? I can never figure that out...
Haruka's anger faded almost instantaneously when she heard this. "Oh shit.
She must hate me. I... I have to apologize to her. If I ever thought things
through, I would have never said those things." Haruka sat down and rubbed
her head. "She'll never trust us again, will she."
said all that. --you just used the word 'things', this avoids the repetition.
will she?
Setsuna shook her head. "After what you did, how can she any time soon."
soon?"
I do have to say that this part of the exchange is awkward and rather lame.
It doesn't feel natural at all. I can't think of anything at the moment that
you could replace it with, however.
Michiru eyes narrowed, and she began to glare into Setsuna. "Did you know
about this?"
glare at Setsuna.
"Setsuna...," growled Haruka, coming to a similar realization.
suspicion, not realization.
Setsuna sighed and shook her head "I had absolutely no idea."
Michiru scowled. "Do you really expect us to believe that?"
Setsuna scoffed. "Do you think I'm omniscient? I am human just like you.
Although this is strange."
Sighed, scowled, scoffed... gah! Having labels like these too many times in a
row is distracting and looks somewhat silly. You should get rid of one or
two.
"The Time Gates are fickle," she said, as she took another sip of her
drink. After a moment, she grumbled, "I hope the father is not who I think
it is," thinking out loud.
before taking another sip
or
after taking another sip.
she's not taking a sip and talking at the same time. ^_^;
Before taking a sip would work best, because then you have the 'after a
moment' to account for the time spent taking the sip before she talks again.
I'm not sure if the 'thinking out loud' bit works. You might want to drop
that.
Haruka laughed. "Don't worry Michiru! I'm not going to kill him, I'm just
going to convince him of the error of his ways!"
worry, Michiru!
Where is the guilt? She should still be upset about Hotaru, not instantly
returning to a desire to beat up the father, which would just make things
worse between her and Hotaru. Haruka shouldn't go from a fear of ever being
trusted by her 'daughter' again, to wanting to beat up the boy said daughter
is obviously attatched to enough to defend against her parents, let alone have
sex and a baby with.
Setsuna sighed. This was turning out to be a very, very long night. "Let's
just go to Usagi's and talk to Hotaru. We can worry about the rest later,
but right now we have to see our daughter."
------------------------
Saotome Genma sighed as he walked toward his home. A place he had not lived
in more then ten years. He wished that his foolish child would realize the
error of his ways and hurry up and marry Akane. If there was one thing he
missed after ten years, it was his wife.
Too much sighing going on... you really tend to overuse that.
Um. You need to show why Genma can't move home until after Ranma marries
Akane, I think.
Damn the boy. How could that young fool trick the Master into dragging him
on yet another foolish training trip. The boy never understood that
everything done was for him, for the Art. The Art was life, it went beyond
honor and morality. It was the Art.
The boy just couldn't understand the everything Genma had done was for him,
for the Art.
Why couldn't he realize that? The Tendo/Saotome union was for the good of
the Art. If only Ranma could abandon his misplaced sense of honor, he would
realize the truth. Moreover, the sooner he realized the truth, the sooner
Genma could return home to his sexy wife.
A LOT of repetition on 'the Art' going on here, more than I think is
necessary. It's more annoying than effective.
You also need to explain Genma's perception of what is misplaced about Ranma's
sense of honor. It seems to be a reference to not wanting to marry Akane
because of the other girls, but you should actually say it, say why Genma
thinks this is the case.
Genma smirked as he opened the door, and was surprised. He did not expect to
see his wife, the boy, and the boy's rival waiting for him. He had a bad
feeling about this.
Why was he smirking when he opened the door and saw them? Better to have,
"Genma opened the door, then stopped in surprise." or something of the sort.
"Hello, husband," said Nodoka. Genma gulped, she had her katana. Every ounce
of his being was fighting the urge to run. There was something very wrong
here.
Genma gulped, seeing that she had her katana unsheathed and lying across her
lap. --...or something.
"Sit down, and shut up old man," said his insolent son. When he returned, he
would remind the boy that he was the student. As much as he didn't want to
go, he knew that he would get stronger during the coming trip. Despite this,
he did as he was told. He did not like the glint in Nodoka's eyes, nor did
he like the harsh glare coming from the bandana clad Juggernaut.
juggernaut. or is it juggernaught? either way, lowercase.
bandana-clad, too, btw.
Ranma glared into his father. Genma did not like this look. He had seen it
only a few times and very bad things were the only result. Ranma always had
it when he stood in the way of his plans.
glared at his father.
bad things had always been the result. It was the look Ranma had whenever he
was about to stand in the way of his father's plans.
"I'm getting married..."
Genma smiled. Yes! The boy realized! Tendo would be thrilled, the schools
would be joined!
"...but it ain't Akane."
The boy had finally realized!
ain't to Akane.
Genma's eyes opened in shock, and he quickly looked over at the Hibiki boy.
No, surely not!
^_^;
Genma's mind froze, as he saw over ten years worth of schemes, plans, and
dreams come crashing down around him. It only took him a moment to get out
of his mental freeze and when he did he was livid. "What?! Foolish boy! You
are honor bound to marry a Tendo! The schools must be joined!"
freeze and when he did, he was livid.
honor-bound
"Husband, a more pressing 'engagement' has come to light, and I am afraid
that I agree with Ranma. It take precedence over the Tendo betrothal,"
interrupted Nodoka.
I think the original wording was better. 'come to life' is an interesting
reference to the upcoming birth of Ranma's child.
BTW, for this to be an interruption, it should be mentioned at the beginning
of the paragraph:
"Husband," Nodoka interrupted, "a more pressing...
takes precendence.
Genma was livid, how dare they! How dare they stand in the way of the Art,
of his livelihood! He had raised the boy, put him through the most extreme
training know to man for this! To produce an heir worth of uniting the
schools, to create a warrior capable of ending the Master's reign of terror,
and to make sure he could live high on the hog with Ranma's tournament
winnings. "What could be more important then the Art?!"
You just used the word 'livid' a paragraph or two, and it's not a common
enough word to support the repetition, so you should change it to something
else.
to man, for this! To produce...
worthy of uniting...
high on the hog... what? I've never heard that expression before... also,
this reference to Ranma's tournament winnings doesn't work. ranma is 18 now,
and as far as we know from the manga, he's never been entered in tournaments
for money, nor is it mentioned in the story to have happened any time in the
two years since the end of the manga, either.
Genma snarled. In one lapse of discipline, the young fool had found a way to
ruin everything. Akane would never take him back after something like this,
Kasumi would refuse because of it, and he honestly did not want a pit viper
like Nabiki as a daughter in law. "Is she a martial artist, son?"
daughter-in-law.
Genma should be eyeing nodoka's katana and forcibily biting back his curses,
then going for a last ditch effort with, "is she a martial artist,
on?" --this presents a slightly better progression of events.
Ranma shook his head. "Nope, she is a normal girl. Hell, even for a normal
person she is kind of weak."
Nope, she's not. Hell, even... <--slightly better? no repetition of
'normal'.
Damn. He could always support the chef. At least she would add something to
the school, even if it was from that pathetic Okonomiyaki School of hers.
This weak woman he impregnated would ruin all of his work! She would not
understand the art; the little slut would probably turn his boy into a
salaryman! Oh well, best to keep up appearances, hopefully he could salvage
it. "I can not allow this, for the sake of the schools..."
umm... dunno if ukyou would go for it, but kodachi probably would.
okonomiyaki school. it's not the title of her school, so it's not
capitalized. besides, you just said 'school', better to say 'okonomiyaki
art', maybe?
Ranma had impregnated --genma didn't do the deed, thank goodness.
...what about appearances is he keeping up?
Nodoka glared at her husband, and he heard a scraping sound as her thumb
readied her katana. Just a few centimeters, only enough so he could see the
glint of light reflecting off of the razor sharp steel.
razor-sharp
Genma's mind froze. If there was one think he cared about more then the art,
it was his skin. Screw the Art, he wanted to live! "Well, now that I think
of it that way... It looks like our family will be having two new members,
right Nodoka-chan?"
art, or Art? need to be consistent...
right, Nodoka-chan?
"That's right." She replied as she reseated the blade.
right," she replied
Ranma smiled. "Thanks mom. It looks like I'll be moving back in here"
Thanks, Mom.
here."
Genma looked at the boy. A small part excused him for what he did. He knew
very well what it was to be a father. Everything he ever did was done for
Ranma, well, most of it, well, some of it. He may have to live with this
marriage, but he did not have to make it easy on the boy. "Not so fast
boy..."
fast, boy..."
Genma smirked. "I feel that it is time for you to be out on your own. If you
are going to raise a family you will do it on your own."
on your own... repetitive. maybe it'd be better to manipulate nodoka a little
bit, have him say, 'family, you should do it as a man would, without our
help." ?
Ranma turned to Nodoka. "Mom?"
She was obviously unhappy with the decision, but shook her head. "While I do
not agree with this choice, I am his wife and must support his decision. I'm
sorry, Ranma."
Um... as somebody else said, this really doesn't work. She's forcing Genma
into accepting that Ranma isn't going to marry Akane, yet she's 'his wife and
must support his decision'. Well, she obviously isn't supporting his decision
with respect to the engagements and his marrying of Hotaru, so...
It might be better to redo this slightly so that instead of Nodoka being
reluctant, she goes along with it out of a desire for Ranma to be manly, to
face the consequences that go along with his own decisions.
Genma smiled. He knew Nodoka would react something like that. When it came
to family honor she was a Katana welding bitch, but other wise she was the
traditional Japanese wife, quiet, supportive, and out of the way.
katana-wielding
"Your leaving tonight, and you will not spend the night at the Tendos. You
have dishonored their family enough," replied Genma.
You're leaving...
Tendos'.
"Are you kidding me, Old Man? Where the hell do you expect me to sleep?"
old man?
Ranma began to twitch. "Fine. Ryouga lets go."
Ryouga, let's go.
The snarling bandanna-clad boy nodded, and stood up.
...he's snarling? or just, in general?
As they began to leave, Genma smirked. He had lost the war but at least he
had one victory to his name. Ryouga, who had been clearly trying to hold his
building anger snapped when he saw Genma's stupid victorious grin. With a
cry of, "Outta my way, Panda!" he smacked the older man with his umbrella.
The blow sent Genma flying out the still open door and through several of
the neighbors' privacy walls.
anger, snapped when...
panda
still-open
privacy walls... don't know much about japanese houses... is that the correct
term for the outide walls? or just the inner ones?
"See ya, mom."
Mom.
"Bye, Auntie Saotome."
...what? Why is he calling her Auntie Saotome? Did she ask him to, and I
just forgot?
Nodoka waved them off, saying, "Remember, you father just said you can't
stay here. You're both welcome back any time. I love you, Ranma."
"Thank you, Auntie Saotome."
Again.
"I love you too, mom."
Mom
Watching the two youths leave, Genma cursed as he removed himself from the
debris. That Hibiki boy really was a brute. After a moment, he smiled bright
and walked back into the house. "So, Nodoka..." he began before being
interrupted by a glass of water to the face.
smiled brightly and...
began, before being interrupted...
Hotaru was afraid about so many things; the moment she feared had come. What
would she do? What would she say to her family? Was Haruka papa right? Would
they ever forgive her? Could she ever trust them again? Usagi had just left
the room to make the call. She would know soon.
things, and the moment when she would have to confront those fears had
ome. --better?
Haruka-papa
Ryouga was furious. He had not expected this kind of day. What he had hoped
for was maybe a solid brawl with Saotome followed by possibly a warm home
cooked meal and maybe a warm bed.
a warm bed? who was he expecting to share with? O_o;
was a solid brawl with Saotome, followed by, maybe, a warm, home-cooked meal,
and, if even luckier, a night spent in his own bed. --better?
Ryouga glared at Ranma. He thought that was pity. It was more then that,
Ryouga has honestly sorry for him, but through understanding. "I'm just
trying to be nice, Saotome! I know what it's like to be without a home. I
haven't been home in over a year."
more than that, Ryouga was honestly sorry for him, understanding the position
the pig-tailed boy was in through his own experiences. --better?
Ranma sighed. "Sorry. I'm just really pissed... although that was a pretty
good whack you did on my Old Man. Must have hurt like hell."
old man.
Ryouga laughed. "Ranma, as much as a cowardly, dishonorable, bastard you
are, your father is a hundred times worse! I enjoyed it, especially after
that crap he said!" It had taken all of his will to keep from ripping Genma'
s head off. Hell, Ranma's mom was weird too. The whole family was mental.
Must be genetic.
Genma's head... --extra space between Genma' and the 's'.
weird, too.
well... i don't think genetics would be the problem... unless nodoka and genma
were related in some way.... unless you meant that ranma's being mental was
genetic from both of his parents. that's not what it sounds like, though.
Ryouga glared back at Ranma. He was trying to be nice and Ranma insulted
him. "Don't call me P-chan!"
Ryouga glared back.
Ryouga growled and tensed up for a fight. Oh, Ranma was begging for an ass
kicking. "Fine! So what now?!"
ass-kicking.
...it sure looked like they were about to fight... what happened to make
ryouga back down?
Ryouga shrugged, that made sense, but one question still bothered him.
"Ranma, you have a place to stay?"
Ranma shook his head. "Nope, I was hoping to crash at your place."
Um... camping. Why can't Ranma just camp out?
Ryouga rubbed the back of his head and blushed, "Do you remember where my
house is?"
blushed. "Do you...
Ranma paused for a bit. "Crap, I can't remember right now! Oh well, onto
'Plan B'. Hey, could go separate ways for a while?"
Hey, could we go...
Ryouga growled; Ranma was trying to ditch him, probably to do something
dishonorable. "Not a chance, not even the kami could keep me from hounding
you."
growled. Ranma was...
i don't get the whole dishonorable thing. ryouga is acting rather
inconsistent in his behavior towards ranma, it seems like...
Not a chance. Not even the kami..
Apparently, the kami did not much like Ryouga comment, and it began to rain.
Ryouga mentally screamed as he once again lost his humanity to his thrice
damned curse. He really needed to learn to curb his Hubris.
thrice-damned curse.
hurbris? upper or lower-case? not sure... don't know what the word means,
actually. ^_^;
Ranma sighed and put her hand on her hip. Ryouga barely fought off the
nosebleed as he saw Ranma's giant, firm, luscious breasts peeking through
her wet shirt. Ryouga smacked his piggy head against the pavement, causing
it to spider. He really needed a cold shower, in say, liquid nitrogen.
put a hand on her hip. --she has more than one, after all. trying to
identify which side would sound odd, though, so...
it to spider? eh? you need to say that it caused a spiderweb of cracks to
break out from the point of impact, or something. 'causing it to spider'
doesn't sound right.
Ranma lifted Ryouga by the scruff of his neck and looked him in the eyes.
"Ryouga, I'm going to leave you and your things at the Tendo's. I'll see you
tomorrow, okay?"
Tendos'. plural.
"Hotaru?" She cracked her eyes, as the gentle voice and a shake on her
shoulder brought her into the waking world. Barely aware of her surroundings
she turned over, facing away from the voice.
Um. Better to have:
"Hotaru?"
Hotaru cracked her eyes open as the... --seperate the dialogue from hotaru's
actions, and identify Hotaru more clearly as the person waking up, and that
somebody is talking to her to cause her to do so.
Without realizing who it was Hotaru grunted, "Just a little longer
Michiru-mama." Her eye burst open and she flipped around. It *was*
Michiru-mama. She was struck by an emotional shock of fear and apprehension.
Instinctively she jumped back away from Michiru, falling off of the other
side of the bed.
Without really giving it any thought, Hotaru grunted, "Just a little longer,
Michiru-mama." --although grunt is NOT the word I'd use. it's hard to speak
in grunts. murmured, maybe?
Her eyes burst open...
For a second she felt a jolt of pain. In a flash Michiru was next to her,
helping her up. "Hotaru-chan, are you alright?" asked her mother figure.
flash, Michiru was...
She sat back onto the bed, and stiffly glanced around the room.
Setsuna-mama, Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, they were all here. She looked over
the other two members of her family for a moment. Haruka-papa looked very
uneasy, while Setsuna-mama looked, well, drunk out of her mind.
all present. She looked...
Haruka sighed and laid back. How would she explain this one to them?
Hotaru, not Haruka.
She wondered what to say, how to put this so it would not hurt them. Why
bother, it was not like Haruka cared when she said those horrible things! In
a cold, forward voice she said, "Yes, I'm pregnant." Without skipping a
beat, she glared into Haruka. "Well, Haruka does that make me a 'little slut
' or a 'whore'?!"
She wondered briefly what to say, hot to put it without hurting them, then
cast the thought away. Why bother? It wasn't like Haruka had cared when...
voice, she said, "Yes...
glared at Haruka. "Well, Haruka, does that...
slut', or a 'whore'?!" --you had a space between slut and the '.
Haruka looked down, her voice missing its usual confident manner.
"Hotaru-chan, I'm sorry. I never meant any of those things. I was angry, and
would never said them if I had a clear head. I only wanted to scare you into
taking precautions."
usual, confident manner.
Hotaru nodded, she had thought as much but it still hurt a lot. "Haruka, I
will not have an abortion. I'm not going to kill my baby! Do I make myself
perfectly clear?"
as much, but it had still hurt--a lot. --not sure if the dashes are the
appropriate way to do this, but it sounds better than as it is.
Hotaru sighed. "It's a long story. I went on a date, and he took me to one
of 'those' college parties. He dumped me off near the punch bowl. I ended up
meeting a nice boy and we talked. We also had snacks... and punch."
That's not a long story.
Hotaru rolled her eyes, she knew Setsuna-mama did not say cruel things like
Haruka, but she should have enough consideration not to get drunk! "What is
it, Setsuna-mama?"
consideration to not get drunk!
Setsuna leered forward, and smiled stupidly at Hotaru, "What's the name of
the daddy?"
Hotaru. "What's...
Hotaru narrowed her eyes, "Why do you want to know?" She knew damn well that
once Haruka heard his name she would be out for blood, and she knew how easy
he was to find.
Again... this whole Haruka going after Ranma thing does NOT make sense--she's
fucked up enough already. She would WANT to, yes, but she wouldn't talk about
it, especially around Hotaru, and she would NOT want anybody to pick up on it.
It would frustrate her, but she'd prefer that to having Hotaru's rejection.
Since this is Hotaru's POV it's okay to leave it, here... but you should be
careful with the way that Haruka acts, and what she says, and what she thinks
on the occasions when you show her POV.
Hotaru wilted, both Michiru and Haruka were looking at her persistently. She
might as well tell them. "His name is Ranma."
expectantly might work better than persistently.
Setsuna laughed. "I knew it, I just knew it! You slept with a 'Butterfly'!"
I thought this was amusing. ^_^;
Michiru blinked, "Doesn't that say that a butterfly flapping its wing in one
part of the world can change weather patterns in another?"
blinked. "Doesn't...
Ranma slowly crept up the wall of the Tendo Dojo. Silent and invisible he
snuck into his room, stopping only to drop 'P-chan' off in the living room.
His old man was right, he could not impose on the Tendo's any more. But he
was pissed, how dare the old bastard do this to him? After everything he had
been put through; he was just thrown out after she stopped being useful.
again, think it's Tendo dojo.
Tendos' anymore.
through, he was just thrown out after he'd stopped being useful.
Oh well, retribution would come later. Right now, Ranma had to worry about
where he was going to sleep. He had settled in too much. With all of his
collected possessions and his college classes. While he had an idea, he
could not help but worry about where he was going to sleep at night if it
didn't pan out.
...'With all his collected possessions and his college classes.' --this isn't
a sentance. what are you trying to say?
Again, the whole 'where to sleep' thing is really wierd. why can't he just
camp out? he's done it before...
Ranma looked around the room that had been his. This room contained memories
for him. While few of them were especially good all of them were his. After
a moment of reminiscing, he grabbed his pack.
his. There were a lot of memories here. While few of them were especially
good, they were enough to make this place feel like home. --better?
He started to go through his things, beginning with clothing, schoolbooks,
and mementos. He paused as he came across a simple ring box. It was the
engagement ring that his farther and Soun had planed on using to trick him
into formalizing his engagement to Akane.
father and Soun had planned on...
At the thought of Akane he sighed. What was he going to do? Part of him
still loved the tomboy. If you had asked him six months ago he never would
have admitted it, but he really was set on Akane. Boy can things change in
half a year.
If somebody had asked him.. --as it is, it's addressing the reader.
With a sigh, he let herself fall back onto his rear. What would he leave,
what would he take. Sighing, he made another quick scan of the room. His lip
rose into a smirk, he knew what he was going to do.
let himself fall...
leave, and what would he take? He made another quick scan of the room. --he
just sighed.
to a smirk. He knew what he..
He jumped onto his feet and walked over to his father's pack, which was
resting against the wall. He knew very well the Genma would need it
tomorrow, but he certainly brought this onto himself.
well that Genma would need it for his training trip the next day, but the old
man had certainly brought this upon himself. --better?
Ranma opened the pack and sorted through Genma's personal belongings. He
figured that his father had done this to him countless times, so why couldn'
t he return the favor.
Done what?
couldn't he return the favor?
It only took Ranma a few moments to finish packing the two bags, and than he
was back out the window. He just hoped this idea would not blow up in his
face.
and then he was back...
There was a thousand things running through her mind, all possibilities
related to her 'condition', but she didn't care. Sleep first, think later.
through her head, all... --used 'mind' at the end of the previous paragraph.
She snuggled into her blanket. It was so warm, so comfortable. The heavy
rain on the windowsill comforted her, it was nature's lullaby helping to
sooth her to sleep. She smiled happily as she closed her eyes and allowed
herself to slip into a deep, dreamless rest.
windowsill was monotonous, steady; it was nature's lullaby helping to soothe
her to sleep.
closed her eyes and relaxed, prepared to slip into a deep, deep, dreamless
rest. --having her sleep and then wake up doesn't work as well as having her
unable to get to sleep, i think.
Rap. Rap. Rap.
She turned over. What was that? Oh, forget about it, she just wanted to
sleep. No need to worry about stupid noises. Once again, she allowed herself
to fall into a deep....
Hotaru frowned, eyes still closed, and tried to cover her ears with her
comforter and pillow. There, that would fix the problem. She let her mind
slip back to her tummy and smiled softly. Would it be a boy, or a girl?
Rap. Rap. Rap.
Hotaru's eye opened. The is that? Whatever it was, it was annoying. Where
was it coming from?
eyes.
Rap. Rap. Rap.
"Argh!" growled Hotaru as she jumped from her bed. What the hell was making
that noise. She was tired, she was stressed out, she wanted to sleep, and
that god damn noise was keeping her awake!
noise?
goddamn noise...
Hotaru gazed around the room. What ever was making that noise was close.
Whatever.
Um. Did Hotaru give Ranma her address? I must have fogotten it...
It was Ranma in girl form, soaking wet and hanging upside down from the
roof. She quickly opened the window and allowed him to enter.
It was Ranma, in girl form, soaking..
Hotaru quickly opened the... --'she' could refer to Ranma.
Ranma quickly scrambled in, and closed the window behind him. Hotaru was
emotionally in conflict. Part of her was ecstatic. He had visited her! He
actually had come to see her! On the other hand, Hotaru was starting to get
pissed, she wanted sleep and was grouchy as hell that she didn't get it.
as hell about not being able to get any.. er, get it. 'get any' might be the
wrong phrasing.
Ranma looked down. "Hotaru I'm kinda in trouble."
Hotaru, I'm kinda in trouble."
Hotaru blinked. Whatever it was she would help. "What kind of trouble?"
Extra blank line, here.
Ranma sighed, "I told my parents about what happened, you know between us,
and my idiot old man kicked me out of the house. I really don't want to
impose or nothin', but anyway I could crash here for a while?"
you know, between us, and...
but anyway, could I...
Notes: Please comment. All C&C will be appreciated, applause will be happily
accepted, criticism will be considered, ideas would be useful, and flames
will be quickly discarded. Thank ye! ^_^
Expect Chapter 5 in the next couple of days.
Bah! You're going too fast! I was almost done with commenting on the first
draft when you sent this thing, and now I have another chapter to do! You
suck! >_<
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