Oops, sorry if you get this twice, didn't set the To: addresses right.
Finally getting around to putting dents into my backlog of stuff to do,
one of which was reading this :P
DB Sommer wrote:
You can freely blame Donny Cheng for this. He's the one that put the seeds
of this idea in my mind. I would most likely have never come up with this if
he hadn't just kept going on and on about Dual! lemons and getting my mind
flowing in this sort of direction. It is entirely his fault.
I think you're giving me too much credit and being too hard on
yourself. Given the content of this story, I'd say your mind flows in
this direction quite easily without any help needed whatsoever. ^^
Some general thoughts on the story as whole as I read it purely to help
you with your writing and not because it contained the tags
[lemon][Dual!]:
I found the internal reflections of the Rara and Sanada interesting.
It's nice to see a character work out her process of thought in finding
her motivations and interests. One small nit was that too much of it
was told rather than shown to us. For example, her plan with Sanosuke
was a great sequence that did more for me in showing how far she would
go for him than when she later thinks about how far she went for him and
ended up just being redundant thoughts. And speaking of Sanosuke, great
job of characterizing him. I hate him very much >_<
The most interesting concept I found in this story and wished it was
explored with more was Kazuki's subconsciously affecting both Mitsukis'
minds. I would have liked to see more hints that could have been placed
in the story to suggest Kazuki's involment was in the creation of this
universe like in the anime with Hartzenen present and Akane Sanada.
Creating new lives for people is one thing, but affecting their minds
would be another based on his subconscious desire for how he wants the
world to be: like say, newspapers signalling peace everywhere. Slightly
darker and more angsty themes could have Mitsuki rethink her entire
reasoning and wonder if any of her liking him, came from him. This
would veer off from being more of a lemon story... well, not
necessarily.
Rara: The whip.
Sanada: You're kidding, he likes you like that?
Rara: I don't think so. When I thought about what "I" would like to
do with him in bed, I purposely thought of something innocent like
cuddling like you told me to and suddenly I got an image of me whipping
him, while he licked my toes... oh, my, he likes pink toe nail polish.
Sanada: I'll try this time... what the... but I don't like being tied
up.
Rara: Ahem, what about earlier.
Sanada: ...I'll kill him. Well, not before I find some silk ropes that
won't chafe me.
Rara: You know it's kind of ironic. He likes you submissive and me
domineering.
Sanada: I don't like to be...
Rara: Shut up and lick my whip clean.
Sanada: Yes, Rara-Sama.
Anyway, not to get side tracked. I enjoyed it, and hope to see the
sequel soon.