Brian Randall wrote:

Nicholas Leifker wrote:

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis -- -- File:
goodbye2.txt

From beginning to end, it all revolves around the little black
dress, Akane thought as she sat on the edge of the bed.  We wow
them with some daring mini, celebrate the good times with a power
number... and say goodbye in a plain, silk sea of black.  Except
for that one day in white... it all revolves around the black.

	Whoops. The document (for me) began with a >, which Mozilla rewrapped. I 
think. Largely inconsequential, I'm sure.

	Ahem.

	Okay, everything I C&C (unless otherwise stated) is genrally my own 
opinion, and you can use or ignore it as you see fit for your fic.

Of course.

	As an aside, I was honored to meet you on Saturday at the Fanime fanfic 
panel, Mr. Leifker.

It was nice meeting you as well.

All Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumik

o Takahashi, and I claim no

ownership of those characters.  All other characters created by
Nicholas Leifker; those I do claim some control over.  I ask that
you not do anything with any part of this work without permission.

	I'm going to take a leap here and assume that C&C is acceptable, despite 
the lack of express permission. ;)

(nod)  

world without a friend.  Moreover, jealousy didn't even seem
possible with her; she didn't seem the type to get upset at things
so... petty.

	Heh. That's some judgement to be making based on a few words and the 
initial meeting.

Ranma, IMO, is simple.  Doesn't hide anything; the guy is so obvious and 
straightforward that he simply projects who he is out to others.  The 
politics games that go on in school require more obfuscation.  

Here was a girl that needed knowing.  She'd been lonely this year at
school; to have a friend she could talk to would make the hell of
boys so much easier to deal with.

	What about her other friends? Sayuri and Yuka?

The loneliness... well, consider this.  All the boys want her.  This 
means that, by extension, all the boys are taken up by her existence. 
 Thus, most of the girls, who want said boys, are less than happy with 
her presence.

It was clear that this girl was lonely, too.  She looked up at Akane
with these innocent blue eyes; a smile formed on her lips, just
before she nodded 'yes'.

	these -- those (?)

	I'm not sure, but it doesn't quite read right as it is.

She's not quite used to Ranma yet; in some ways, the eyes are new, and 
surprising.

She led Ranma to the dojo; the girl stared at the surroundings in
mild approval.  "Nice dojo," she whispered quietly.

She rubbed a hand against the hard wood of its walls; she'd known
this place as long as she'd known herself.  "Yes, it is.  This
place... this is where I belong.  Father first taught me the basics
of the Art in here; ever since, I've been trying to be as good as I
can.  You?"

	Lotsa semi-colons.

Yes... beats ellipses out the wazoo.  

The sight shocked her so much that she forgot where they were - in
the bath, as Ranma was in the middle of a soak.  All of the
anxieties of the past weeks began to flow slowly out of her;
unfortunately, the energy those demons burned wasn't leaving.

	After Horai-san, right? Weren't Ryouga and Mousse there, too?

Yes; however, her focus is all on him.  

Somehow, it just came; she glomped him.  She didn't flaunt it like
Shampoo did; she just wanted to hold him.  She needed to feel his
warmth, his strong muscles; he needed to smell that unique,
sweet-musky scent she knew as Ranma; she even needed to hear that
uncultured, scratchy voice that too often insulted her.

	Somehow, 'glomping' implies much less romantic interest and much more 
physical interest, at least to me. You can disregard any of my comments 
as you will, but it just lends itself to the suggestion that Akane 
wouldn't be able to accept Ranma as anything less than a male. Could be 
what you meant to say, in which case it's fine as it is, but if it's 
not... it scans a little awkwardly to me. But enough about me. >_<

Well, by the manga, 'glomped' is probably most accurate, judging by the 
picture...

Another mental picture came to her, causing her to snarl in
frustration.  Shampoo.  She'd survive, all right, if for no other
reason than to make sure that... that... she couldn't even think the
words.  Shampoo had used her as a pawn, bargaining with her life to
get Ranma to do her will.  Ukyou and Nabiki would face the same
problems - and Ranma still wouldn't have a solution.

	At that particular point, I'd honestly expect Akane to be much angrier at 
Kiima, really. I mean, drowning her, stealing her form.... Why worry 
about Shampoo in the face of that?

	Eh. Guess it's just me.

Because Kiima isn't a romantic threat.  Shampoo, on the other hand, is.

"L-leaving?"  Akane had been afraid of this; at least now she was on
comfortable ground.  "Y-you can't leave, Ranma!  You... me..."  She
cursed the cowardice within herself; if she had a backbone, she'd
have him back in Nerima by now.  "What about us?" she finally
squeaked out, a pale shadow to what she wanted to say.

	You know, I'd expect all _that_ to enter her mind the second she saw that 
he was gone, leaving not even a note behind. I think you might want to 
expand -- just a bit -- on it finally driving the permanance of his 
intentions home to her, because for me, it seems a bit awkward.

	But then, I can't write nearly this well, so who am I to talk?

(shrug)  Yes, but... she still hasn't had the questions answered.  

She often thought about the next few seconds in the years to come,
usually with a slight blush.  Desperation pushed cowardice out the
window; within a second, she'd raised Ranma's chin with one hand,
grabbed her by the waist with the other, and gone for a full
lip-lock.  She felt the pressure of Ranma's chest on her own and the
small of Ranma's back against her hand; she even felt, though
barely, the lack of any masculine bulge between Ranma's thighs.
Normally she would have blanched at the concept of kissing another
woman, even Ranma, but desperate times called for desperate
measures.

	This, for me, works much better, though it seems to run somewhat counter 
to the impression I was given previously.

Ranma's manhood is important to him.  Akane knows that Ranma isn't Ranma 
without it.  And, with Herb, it almost disappeared.  

She looked up to Ranma, who held her at his side.  His eyes faced
forward; they burned with an anger more appropriate to her than to
him.  During the fight, she'd seen a side of him that terrified her,
as he'd come dangerously close to killing Shampoo in his rage.  It
had been a near thing, on all sides.

	Eh.... This, for me, is where I started seriously having trouble with 
this fic.

	You write with a very well defined style. You lend the characters a 
certain level of humanity that Takahashi never bothered to. You make 
them seem more than letters on a screen, and characters that are _alive_.

	And then counter to all of this we've got Shampoo as (I hate to use the 
word, but I feel it's warranted) the cliche cardboard cut-out that's out 
to mindlessly kill Akane. I won't cite the manga, or anime, or anything 
else to try and 'prove' anything. I'll just tell y
ou flat out that the 
characterization (or, more honestly, the complete lack of it) is a big 
disapointment to me. I was really looking forward to reading the next 
Leifker fic after meeting you at the con, but....

I've dealt with this already in other posts; I really don't feel like 
beating further any sort of horse that's been kicked, hung, stabbed, 
shot, dropped from a thirty-story building, and ground into cafeteria 
food.  

Ranma nodded, as though slowly doing a calculation in his head.  "I
start training you, in earnest.  Shampoo may not be fighting anytime
soon, but there's no telling what Mousse or the old ghoul might be
up to.  And I... I'm afraid I might not be able to protect you one
day."  His eyes sparkled in the sunlight; his lips smiled at the
possibilities.  "We start during the honeymoon.  I hear Hawaii has
some great places to camp out."

	And this just makes it worse. Most of it can (I suppose) be passed off as 
Akane's PoV. This doesn't sit well with _me_, because despite 
everything, Akane's one of the most forgiving characters (ultimately) in 
the entire manga. This one I _will_ cite some references to, but just a few:

	Pantyhose Tarou kidnapped her, and she only wanted to help him, even if 
she couldn't understand the problem.

	Cologne kidnapped her (the
Breaking Point arc), and Akane still talked to 
Cologne afterwards. Even trusted her enough to help Ranma learn the 
Hiryuu Shouten Ha.

	She even showed sympathy towards Kumon Ryu after all that he had done...

	...and yet she can't forgive Shampoo?

	Well, be that as it may, that's one issue.

	The bigger problem I have here (and it's a doozy) is: Why does Ranma 
think that Cologne and Mousse (Mousse, of all people! Mousse was trying 
to help Akane marry Ranma in volume 38!) are a danger to Akane? I can 
accept that this Akane, for some reason, harbors an irrational hatred of 
Shampoo (though it weakens the fic for me, and the story would be just 
fine without those references, quite honestly), but having Ranma join 
in, and then lump in Cologne and Mousse....

Kidnapping is one thing; killing another.  Shampoo tried to kill.  As 
for Mousse... he's always been difficult to read - and in this 
situation, he may prove to be a dangerous adversary for no other reason 
than for hurting Shampoo.  

Mousse's fate, by the way, is hinted at later, and the fact that he's 
not only in Japan but with children in Japan should be telling.

Training.  Ranma wanted to train her - for real.  No more avoiding,
no more kid-gloves... real training.

	I've seen this scene (or its ilk) in a great many other fanfics. Not to 
call it cliche (some cliche are that precicely because they _do_ work), 
but you might want to consider rephrasing it somewhat. Bleah. It's just 
me, I'm sure.

Finally, everything had been put into place.  No more worrying about
engagements or other entanglements; Ranma and Ukyou had settled,
while Shampoo was forced to "settle" with the Chinese and Japanese
governments.  The marriage had come; the dojo now passed into their
hand

s.

	Repetition of settle. I shouldn't comment on the other aspect, save to 
say that it feels like a casual insult, but.... I would have thought 
that with Shampoo out of the picture, Akane would begin to discard the 
intense hatred you've characterized her with.

Having someone come within an inch of killing you will tend to color 
your perception of them...

Now, she had both in amounts she hadn't thought possible.  Five
pounds, three ounces of it, to be precise.  Kaori was so tiny; her
skinny, bird-like arms and legs flailed about as she lay in her
crib.  Her blue eyes were closed as her mouth twitched, but she knew

	'she' and 'her'. A bit confusing, given that each one is referenced a 
different person.

Good point.

Akane looked over at Ranma, who was equally surprised.  "You
didn't... did you?"

	It took me a few times to figure out who was saying this. (no speech 
indicators)

Ranma's action should be enough to tell who said it.

No, things were definitely not going to get any easier...

	I'm guessing this was an allusion to some pivitol point in Akemi's life, 
but reading through this section, all I can see is that Akemi's getting 
to be a very good martial artist. Why does that make things harder for 
raising her as a child? Or was it the more general 'she's growing up' 
thing? I feel that was better captured in the next section, but then, I 
might have missed some s
ubtext here.

Because of the following relationship, one instilled in both of them 
from their high-school days.

martial-artist = chaos.  
Badass martial artist = mega chaos.  

Ranma sat back, ran his fingers through his graying hair, and
sighed.  "Akane... I don't know.  I mean, she is our daughter.
Maybe all three of us should be up there."  His lips pursed
thoughtfully for a moment.  "But... I think this is a problem she's
going to need to get through without us.  Wakizashi is his father's
son - and she's going to have to decide how to deal with his curse."

Akane raised an eyebrow.  "What about her curse?"

	More detail on those would be good, since something of a big deal is made 
of the curses, we, the readers, have no _clue_ what they are. (Oh, sure, 
we could guess, but there aren't even any really appreciable clues to go 
by, so it would just be unfounded speculation).

	Of course, if this isn't a major point of the fic, you could be better 
served by dropping the references entirely -- just say, "They've got
to 
deal with their problems" or the like (after all -- who doesn't?).

I state Kaori's curse in the next paragraph.  A curse doesn't have to be 
Jusenkyo, after all...

Akane sighed gently.  Kaori did not look ridiculous; chances are,

	are -- were (I think)

she'd send Wakizashi reaching for his meds to keep control.  Her
face had been made up to perfection in the ancient style; her
shimmering eyes and ruby lips invited the man she loved.  Her
scarlet hair was pinned up for once; Akane knew from experience,
however, that the real fun would come when the hair came down.  The
gold-and-white wedding kimono dazzled in the sunlight, the symbol of
rebirth to a new life.  Akane fought back a smirk as her eyes traced
the golden strands, and wondered what Ranma and Tatewaki would think
of the phoenix motif.

	And that is a lot of semi-colons.

Three, in a long and descriptive paragraph.  I don't think that's too 
many...

"Honey, you look incredible.  Much better than either your father or
I did at your age."

	Ranma: Yeah, right.

(grin)

Kaori snorted,

and made a rather un-graceful move in the kimono; it

figured that Akane's own lack of grace would come through in her
child now... "Come on, Mom.  This... this isn't me.  This feels like
I'm supposed to be someone else."  She crossed her arms within the
sleeves.  "I feel like I'm playing dress-up... not getting married."

	un-graceful -- ungraceful

Hmmm.  Will think.  I wasn't aware that 'ungraceful' by itself was a word.  

"Yes?"  Even his voice had wasted away, the clear-bell chime of it
ground to gravel.

	clear-bell -- clear bell (I think)

Not this time...

The valley stretched out before her, a pristine land almost
untouched by the scar of technology, even as the warning of full
invasion could be seen in the distance.  Mountains rose in the
distance, jagged peaks designed for a bird's eyrie rather than a

	Repetition -- 'distance'

Ah.  Will have to see...

Kaori left the room, drowning in tears; Waki simply held her, the
stoic Kunou honor cracking slightly in his grimace.

	I think I missed this earlier -- if his name is Wakazashi, since this 
isn't first person, shortening it to 'Waki' feels off a little, 
especially since the whole name is used earlier.

No, she thought; there was no need for mourning at all.

	That's a very nice ending.

Thanks.

Hey, everyone.

This is what 

happens when a 'serious' fanfic writer tries his hand

at WAFF.  Scary, ne?  This is also what happens when your muse
decides to come back from her vacation in Tahiti - an even scarier
concept, if you ask me.

Thanks to ami for making the little suggestion that led to this
experiment; while I don't plan on carrying through with her idea, I
do like what came about here.  Also thanks to the pre-readers who
have helped this along: Richard, Debbie, Doug, Sean, Zen, and Bast.

	Well, overall, I think you have a good story weakened only by a few 
factors that just slow it down. If you were to remove those detractors, 
I believe that you would have something approaching excellence -- far 
better than I could ever write.

Well, my thoughts on many of them are given here or elsewhere.  Thanks 
for the commentary; it was quite extensive.  

-- Nick



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