Nicholas Leifker wrote:
>
> -- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis -- -- File:
> goodbye2.txt
>
>> From beginning to end, it all revolves around the little black
>> dress, Akane thought as she sat on the edge of the bed. We wow
>> them with some daring mini, celebrate the good times with a power
>> number... and say goodbye in a plain, silk sea of black. Except
>> for that one day in white... it all revolves around the black.
Whoops. The document (for me) began with a >, which Mozilla rewrapped. I
think. Largely inconsequential, I'm sure.
Ahem.
Okay, everything I C&C (unless otherwise stated) is genrally my own
opinion, and you can use or ignore it as you see fit for your fic.
As an aside, I was honored to meet you on Saturday at the Fanime fanfic
panel, Mr. Leifker.
> All Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, and I claim no
> ownership of those characters. All other characters created by
> Nicholas Leifker; those I do claim some control over. I ask that
> you not do anything with any part of this work without permission.
I'm going to take a leap here and assume that C&C is acceptable, despite
the lack of express permission. ;)
> world without a friend. Moreover, jealousy didn't even seem
> possible with her; she didn't seem the type to get upset at things
> so... petty.
Heh. That's some judgement to be making based on a few words and the
initial meeting.
> Here was a girl that needed knowing. She'd been lonely this year at
> school; to have a friend she could talk to would make the hell of
> boys so much easier to deal with.
What about her other friends? Sayuri and Yuka?
> It was clear that this girl was lonely, too. She looked up at Akane
> with these innocent blue eyes; a smile formed on her lips, just
> before she nodded 'yes'.
these -- those (?)
I'm not sure, but it doesn't quite read right as it is.
> She led Ranma to the dojo; the girl stared at the surroundings in
> mild approval. "Nice dojo," she whispered quietly.
>
> She rubbed a hand against the hard wood of its walls; she'd known
> this place as long as she'd known herself. "Yes, it is. This
> place... this is where I belong. Father first taught me the basics
> of the Art in here; ever since, I've been trying to be as good as I
> can. You?"
Lotsa semi-colons.
> Ranma looked down at her feet. "Not really. Pop and I have been
> traveling for as long as I can remember. He wanted me to be the
> best martial artist in the world, so..."
I'll only make this comment once (not many people adhere to the
convention anyway), but I believe that when you terminate a sentence
with an elipses, it should have four periods in it, not three. If it
doesn't terminate a sentence, then it should have three.
> The sight shocked her so much that she forgot where they were - in
> the bath, as Ranma was in the middle of a soak. All of the
> anxieties of the past weeks began to flow slowly out of her;
> unfortunately, the energy those demons burned wasn't leaving.
After Horai-san, right? Weren't Ryouga and Mousse there, too?
> Somehow, it just came; she glomped him. She didn't flaunt it like
> Shampoo did; she just wanted to hold him. She needed to feel his
> warmth, his strong muscles; he needed to smell that unique,
> sweet-musky scent she knew as Ranma; she even needed to hear that
> uncultured, scratchy voice that too often insulted her.
Somehow, 'glomping' implies much less romantic interest and much more
physical interest, at least to me. You can disregard any of my comments
as you will, but it just lends itself to the suggestion that Akane
wouldn't be able to accept Ranma as anything less than a male. Could be
what you meant to say, in which case it's fine as it is, but if it's
not... it scans a little awkwardly to me. But enough about me. >_<
> Another mental picture came to her, causing her to snarl in
> frustration. Shampoo. She'd survive, all right, if for no other
> reason than to make sure that... that... she couldn't even think the
> words. Shampoo had used her as a pawn, bargaining with her life to
> get Ranma to do her will. Ukyou and Nabiki would face the same
> problems - and Ranma still wouldn't have a solution.
At that particular point, I'd honestly expect Akane to be much angrier at
Kiima, really. I mean, drowning her, stealing her form.... Why worry
about Shampoo in the face of that?
Eh. Guess it's just me.
> "L-leaving?" Akane had been afraid of this; at least now she was on
> comfortable ground. "Y-you can't leave, Ranma! You... me..." She
> cursed the cowardice within herself; if she had a backbone, she'd
> have him back in Nerima by now. "What about us?" she finally
> squeaked out, a pale shadow to what she wanted to say.
You know, I'd expect all _that_ to enter her mind the second she saw that
he was gone, leaving not even a note behind. I think you might want to
expand -- just a bit -- on it finally driving the permanance of his
intentions home to her, because for me, it seems a bit awkward.
But then, I can't write nearly this well, so who am I to talk?
> She often thought about the next few seconds in the years to come,
> usually with a slight blush. Desperation pushed cowardice out the
> window; within a second, she'd raised Ranma's chin with one hand,
> grabbed her by the waist with the other, and gone for a full
> lip-lock. She felt the pressure of Ranma's chest on her own and the
> small of Ranma's back against her hand; she even felt, though
> barely, the lack of any masculine bulge between Ranma's thighs.
> Normally she would have blanched at the concept of kissing another
> woman, even Ranma, but desperate times called for desperate
> measures.
This, for me, works much better, though it seems to run somewhat counter
to the impression I was given previously.
> She looked up to Ranma, who held her at his side. His eyes faced
> forward; they burned with an anger more appropriate to her than to
> him. During the fight, she'd seen a side of him that terrified her,
> as he'd come dangerously close to killing Shampoo in his rage. It
> had been a near thing, on all sides.
Eh.... This, for me, is where I started seriously having trouble with
this fic.
You write with a very well defined style. You lend the characters a
certain level of humanity that Takahashi never bothered to. You make
them seem more than letters on a screen, and characters that are _alive_.
And then counter to all of this we've got Shampoo as (I hate to use the
word, but I feel it's warranted) the cliche cardboard cut-out that's out
to mindlessly kill Akane. I won't cite the manga, or anime, or anything
else to try and 'prove' anything. I'll just tell you flat out that the
characterization (or, more honestly, the complete lack of it) is a big
disapointment to me. I was really looking forward to reading the next
Leifker fic after meeting you at the con, but....
> Ranma nodded, as though slowly doing a calculation in his head. "I
> start training you, in earnest. Shampoo may not be fighting anytime
> soon, but there's no telling what Mousse or the old ghoul might be
> up to. And I... I'm afraid I might not be able to protect you one
> day." His eyes sparkled in the sunlight; his lips smiled at the
> possibilities. "We start during the honeymoon. I hear Hawaii has
> some great places to camp out."
And this just makes it worse. Most of it can (I suppose) be passed off as
Akane's PoV. This doesn't sit well with _me_, because despite
everything, Akane's one of the most forgiving characters (ultimately) in
the entire manga. This one I _will_ cite some references to, but just a few:
Pantyhose Tarou kidnapped her, and she only wanted to help him, even if
she couldn't understand the problem.
Cologne kidnapped her (the Breaking Point arc), and Akane still talked to
Cologne afterwards. Even trusted her enough to help Ranma learn the
Hiryuu Shouten Ha.
She even showed sympathy towards Kumon Ryu after all that he had done...
...and yet she can't forgive Shampoo?
Well, be that as it may, that's one issue.
The bigger problem I have here (and it's a doozy) is: Why does Ranma
think that Cologne and Mousse (Mousse, of all people! Mousse was trying
to help Akane marry Ranma in volume 38!) are a danger to Akane? I can
accept that this Akane, for some reason, harbors an irrational hatred of
Shampoo (though it weakens the fic for me, and the story would be just
fine without those references, quite honestly), but having Ranma join
in, and then lump in Cologne and Mousse....
I'm an Ukyou fanboy, but if things were that bad, I would at _least_
expect her to have some involvement with the issue, either way.
I could say more, but this is your call, even if I don't agree with it.
Back to the rest of the fic:
> Training. Ranma wanted to train her - for real. No more avoiding,
> no more kid-gloves... real training.
I've seen this scene (or its ilk) in a great many other fanfics. Not to
call it cliche (some cliche are that precicely because they _do_ work),
but you might want to consider rephrasing it somewhat. Bleah. It's just
me, I'm sure.
> Finally, everything had been put into place. No more worrying about
> engagements or other entanglements; Ranma and Ukyou had settled,
> while Shampoo was forced to "settle" with the Chinese and Japanese
> governments. The marriage had come; the dojo now passed into their
> hands.
Repetition of settle. I shouldn't comment on the other aspect, save to
say that it feels like a casual insult, but.... I would have thought
that with Shampoo out of the picture, Akane would begin to discard the
intense hatred you've characterized her with.
> Now, she had both in amounts she hadn't thought possible. Five
> pounds, three ounces of it, to be precise. Kaori was so tiny; her
> skinny, bird-like arms and legs flailed about as she lay in her
> crib. Her blue eyes were closed as her mouth twitched, but she knew
'she' and 'her'. A bit confusing, given that each one is referenced a
different person.
> The eyes of all of the women widened when Kaori performed a perfect
> spin-kick to Ken's face. The boy spun around, dropped the shovel,
> and found his face buried in the sand.
The repetition of 'spin' and 'spun' feels a bit awkward to me.
> Akane looked over at Ranma, who was equally surprised. "You
> didn't... did you?"
It took me a few times to figure out who was saying this. (no speech
indicators)
> No, things were definitely not going to get any easier...
I'm guessing this was an allusion to some pivitol point in Akemi's life,
but reading through this section, all I can see is that Akemi's getting
to be a very good martial artist. Why does that make things harder for
raising her as a child? Or was it the more general 'she's growing up'
thing? I feel that was better captured in the next section, but then, I
might have missed some subtext here.
> Ranma sat back, ran his fingers through his graying hair, and
> sighed. "Akane... I don't know. I mean, she is our daughter.
> Maybe all three of us should be up there." His lips pursed
> thoughtfully for a moment. "But... I think this is a problem she's
> going to need to get through without us. Wakizashi is his father's
> son - and she's going to have to decide how to deal with his curse."
>
> Akane raised an eyebrow. "What about her curse?"
More detail on those would be good, since something of a big deal is made
of the curses, we, the readers, have no _clue_ what they are. (Oh, sure,
we could guess, but there aren't even any really appreciable clues to go
by, so it would just be unfounded speculation).
Of course, if this isn't a major point of the fic, you could be better
served by dropping the references entirely -- just say, "They've got to
deal with their problems" or the like (after all -- who doesn't?).
> Akane sighed gently. Kaori did not look ridiculous; chances are,
are -- were (I think)
> she'd send Wakizashi reaching for his meds to keep control. Her
> face had been made up to perfection in the ancient style; her
> shimmering eyes and ruby lips invited the man she loved. Her
> scarlet hair was pinned up for once; Akane knew from experience,
> however, that the real fun would come when the hair came down. The
> gold-and-white wedding kimono dazzled in the sunlight, the symbol of
> rebirth to a new life. Akane fought back a smirk as her eyes traced
> the golden strands, and wondered what Ranma and Tatewaki would think
> of the phoenix motif.
And that is a lot of semi-colons.
> "Honey, you look incredible. Much better than either your father or
> I did at your age."
Ranma: Yeah, right.
> Kaori snorted, and made a rather un-graceful move in the kimono; it
> figured that Akane's own lack of grace would come through in her
> child now... "Come on, Mom. This... this isn't me. This feels like
> I'm supposed to be someone else." She crossed her arms within the
> sleeves. "I feel like I'm playing dress-up... not getting married."
un-graceful -- ungraceful
> Her arm gripped Ranma's reflexively. To her surprise, he made no
> reaction; he simply stood there.
'made no reaction' scans a bit clumsily.
> She watched him get up and walk out; only the smallest tremor went
> through his muscles at the movement. She really should have seen
> this before; Ranma Saotome simply wasn't mortal, and only something
> of critical danger could keep him from perfect motion. "So. What
> are you thinking?"
This seems to work, but still feels awkward. You might want to expand on
it a bit....
> "Yes?" Even his voice had wasted away, the clear-bell chime of it
> ground to gravel.
clear-bell -- clear bell (I think)
> The valley stretched out before her, a pristine land almost
> untouched by the scar of technology, even as the warning of full
> invasion could be seen in the distance. Mountains rose in the
> distance, jagged peaks designed for a bird's eyrie rather than a
Repetition -- 'distance'
> Kaori left the room, drowning in tears; Waki simply held her, the
> stoic Kunou honor cracking slightly in his grimace.
I think I missed this earlier -- if his name is Wakazashi, since this
isn't first person, shortening it to 'Waki' feels off a little,
especially since the whole name is used earlier.
> No, she thought; there was no need for mourning at all.
That's a very nice ending.
> Hey, everyone.
>
> This is what happens when a 'serious' fanfic writer tries his hand
> at WAFF. Scary, ne? This is also what happens when your muse
> decides to come back from her vacation in Tahiti - an even scarier
> concept, if you ask me.
>
> Thanks to ami for making the little suggestion that led to this
> experiment; while I don't plan on carrying through with her idea, I
> do like what came about here. Also thanks to the pre-readers who
> have helped this along: Richard, Debbie, Doug, Sean, Zen, and Bast.
Well, overall, I think you have a good story weakened only by a few
factors that just slow it down. If you were to remove those detractors,
I believe that you would have something approaching excellence -- far
better than I could ever write.
> Nicholas Leifker nightelf@thekeep.org
> http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic April 24, 2002