I combined the two in a meager attempt at saving someone's mailbox.


DB wrote:

Sanosuke's previous relaxed posture changed as he returned his chair

to

four

legs and leaned forward to smile at Mitsuki. He grinned wolfishly at

her,

showing off a perfect set of teeth. "Hey, Sanada. Finally come to your
senses and dumped that wimp, Yotsuga, so you can go out with a real

man?"

Any sound associated with his returning to four legs?

Not really. And I have the legs to the bed Mitsuki S. is bound too scrape
later on. Do you think it needs it?

KP:  Need, no.  But I like to make suggestions as the thought occurs.  I
always rather discard something I don't like then miss a potentially nice
idea.

a

dozen ways to deflate his ego, but it was hard choosing the most

effective

way to go about it. Her acerbic reply met a silent demise in her mind

as

she

recalled that she needed this lecherous idiot for her scheme to work,

though

his open arrogance nearly made her walk off and choose someone else.

Heh.  The number of times a rebuke dies on my lips because I can't

decide

is

legendary... well, in my own mind at least ~_^

At least you think before you speak. :)

KP:  generally.  But I find my conversation can be poor because I'm
perpetually shutting my trap ;)

able to understand how she could reject him so casually when

practically

no

other girl had. It was ironic, since Mitsuki couldn't understand why

any

of

them would want to go out with him.

I'd suggest using something a little more specific than them.  I could

be

tired but I had to page back up a little to make sure I knew 'them' was

the

unspecified girls who would go out with him.

Okay. I didn't want to reuse 'girls's since it becomes redundent with one

in

the previous sentence and one in the next. Maybe 'women' or something
similar.

KP:  I think 'women' would definitely help the flow a little.

but it was too late. She couldn't back out now and pick someone else; it

would risk blowing everything. Swallowing her recriminations, she said

in

a

voice dripping with false sincerity, "I don't think that's such a good

idea.

You see, I have this vaginal yeast infection that's-"

KP: but... but... what's wrong with wanting a threesome! ^_^  and then I
read her excuse... would someone really admit that, to anyone?  it's
hysterical though^^

If she really did, no. But it is useful as an out. Female friend of mine
back in college used this on a handful of male professors when she missed

a

class and didn't have a real excuse. It then occurred to me why it worked
because

A: Men do not want to EVER hear about feminine hygene.

And why in the name of all that we hold dear, would we ever WANT to here
about that stuff...  *blinks*  no one is reading this but you, right?

B: Men are not stupid enough to try saying 'So what' in reference to
complaints women make about female hygene as said women will lay into them
like a rabid dog since 'men can't possibly understand the suffering women

go

through with [insert problem]'

KP:  But... isn't that what he did essentially? Luckily, the few women I
know and talk to spare me these details. I guess the understand.

The veins in Mitsuki's forehead bulged badly enough that people in the

hall

kept mentioning the words 'brain embolism' as she walked past.

KP: maybe 'whispering' the words and consider throwing around the word
'tumor' or 'over-enlarged zit'.  It's what I imagined it appears to be.

I'll do the first but will keep the 'brain embollism' bit. I like that one
as is.

KP:  One out of two is pretty good for me^_^

"You were staring at my tits like there was something wrong with

them."

KP:  heh.

Now this is a great opening for a guy to use to his advantage, but

absolute

hell for  a woman :)

KP:   That depends, is getting clobbered to a man's advantage^?^  Well,
unless you're Ranma.

just

about anything to return it to them. "Relax. I was just looking and

making

sure I wasn't interested in you." As soon as the last word left her

mouth,

Mitsuki knew that had come out horribly wrong. Pretty much as horribly

wrong

as she could have managed.

KP:   hah.

It wouldn't be fun if she got off easy.

KP:  but she does get off easy... oh wait, that's the next part!

"Get out, you disgusting pervert!" Bottles of shampoo and other

cleaning

utensils headed towards Mitsuki's way. She bolted out the door to the

locker

rooms before they started throwing something heavier, like lockers, at

her.

It had gone from one hell of a morning to one hell of a day.

KP:  what was she wearing when she fled?  You couldn't have had her

decide

to check out the other girls after she had been reduced to bra and

panties?

Okay, so I'm a little pervert, sue me =p

I mention right before the 'examination' starts she only got two buttons

on

her top undone.

KP:  Sorry, that was me not looking over what I wrote.  The question was
supposed to be a rhetorical thinggy leading up to the suggestion of having
her remove some clothing before she ran away.  Looking back, I can't see how
anyone could get that from what I originally wrote>_<

Rara released a deep breath and placed her hand to her chest. "That's

a

relief."

KP:  heh

So you picked up on the faint hints there, eh?

KP:  My mind is perpetually *in* the gutter.

Eyebrows twitching, Mitsuki forced out, "He's a major hunk." Of brain

dead

beef. "Pleasant personality." Just like a limp dishrag. "Very

popular."

With

himself. "Knows how to treat a girl like a lady." One that hangs out

at

street corners and is paid by the hour. "He's an all around great

guy."

Whose greatest contribution to humanity will be donating his body to
science.

KP:  nice

Thanks. I debated about adding in the mental comments, since it does break
up the paragraph, but I thought they would be cute, and she's been having

to

bite her tongue for a while.

KP:  I usually hate when people do it, because they have a tendency to do it
badly, and mix it with the prose, which makes me go nuts with figuring out
if the narator is speaking or the character.  But this was done well, and to
very good effect.

"But that was only because I thought he was interested in you. If he's
interested in me, that's completely different."

KP:  heh

All in your POV

KP:  Well yes, but I usually don't admit that.

KP:  I love this conversation.

Thanks. I find dialogue easy. It's the other things I have trouble with.

KP:  I have trouble with everything, especially dialougue.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

KP:  are the scene breaks purposeful because of the lemon tag?

No. I always do them this way to make it clear it's a scene shift since
'triple spacing' probably wouldn't make it clear.

KP:  Actually, I was referring to the use of the x's specifically^_^  I was
wondering if it was subliminal, or my hentai mind going into overdrive?

actually suffered that bastard's slimy grasp, and all because she had

been

deceived by someone she trusted as a friend. Mitsuki deserved to share

in

the suffering she had caused. It was like when she had accidentally

sent

Kazuki to the other world. She was not Ayuko. She would not avoid her
responsibilities. She would pay for what she had done, no matter what

nature

the currency Miss Ra wished to extract from her was.

KP:  nicely set-up thoughts, I had wondered where you were going with

the

long internal dialogue at the beginning of this part.

Sanada's tied up thoughts, you mean?

KP:  I was actually talking about her internal monologue when she was
waiting for Rara to return and then continued here.

Mitsuki said something through her gag. Miss Ra removed it.

KP:  this seems a little rushed.   It's is Mutsuki's POV so we can be

privy

to her attempted talk.  Also, how did Miss Ra, remove the bond,

reluctantly,

quickly, did she fumble at the bonds, straps... etc.  It's more jarring

than

anything with the rest of the details in the piece.  ~_^

Okay. It is very brief. How about this?


Muffled words came from behind Mitsuki's gag. Miss Ra looked at her
confusedly. With only a hint of hesitation, she reached behind Mitsuki's
head and undid the strap which held her gag in place, then removed the
object altogether.

KP:  I think this definitely flows better.

Miss Ra seemed shocked by the admission. "You really mean that, don't

you?

You're not just saying this to save yourself. You were sorry for what

you

did before I came back."

KP:  seemed shocked, how?  Her brow crease, he mouth move silently.

Okay,

I'm being overly critical.  But I think showing more physical

descriptions

will make her turn-around a little more believable.

It is a touch on the unbelievable side since it's a hint that Kazuki did
something to them. I think it needs to be there to help Mitsuki S. leap to
the conclusions she does at the end. Think I need more.

KP;  I was speaking on a merely descriptive level.  One of the things that's
continually beat into me by pre-readers and commentors, is the old 'show
don't tell' line.  So I tend to in return torment everyone else with it.
All that being said, I was thinking about what does shocked mean in her
appearance(ie how does she show her shock).  'Eyes wide, mouth moving
slightly, or was she stock still for a split second.  Did her hands jerk as
if hit with an actual shock of electricity.

Miss Ra laughed. Not with the venom of before, but a genuinely amused

one.

Mitsuki felt a peaceful seeing her cousin enjoying herself for the

first

time this evening.

KP:  'felt a peaceful seeing' -- is either misssing something or the a

is

extra.

'a' is extra. Sometimes when I revise I edit words and don't reread the
remainins sentence close enough

KP:  I do much worse....

"Played? Yes. Eaten myself out? No. I'm not that flexible. And it

doesn't

take that long to get me off either."

KP:  lucky woman...

Ask any woman, and you'll learn how lucky us guys have it when it comes to
orgasms. :)

KP:  I'm not complaining.~_^

Happy beyond belief, Rara said, "So now that we've settled things

between

us

and how we feel about Kazuki, all we have left to do is inform him

that

we've come to this mutual agreement for a three-way relationship."

KP:   heh.   Isn't she getting ahead of herself?

Persumptuous, but like they said, on some subconscious level, this is what
Kazuki wants.

KP:  Well if Kazuki wants it, he shoud get it!

pretty persuasive method of delivering information. Don't you? He'll

have

to

sit still while we lay down the ground rules. And then afterwards we

can

show him examples of what our expectations of him are going to be."

KP: bossy now, ain't she?

A result of the 'gestalt'. She has Miss Ra's confidence and aggression
tempered with her own more passive nature.

KP:  Yeah, Yeah, blame everything on Kazuki, he's a man, it's his fault!

I think the look inside her head, helped my undersstanding and the
believablility of the bondage scene, so leave it.

Well, I was actually referring to the Mitsuki S. accepting she loves

Kazuki

and why she's been so hesitent to admit it.

KP:  That was good to; although it didn't add all that much to the story
proper, it does give a nice set-up about the character, which is never bad,
IMO.






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