Okay, so a friend of mine asked me to post this for him, and I decided to do
it.  Straight up nice guy, that's me.  Anyway, he was wondering what you all
thought of it, and asked me to direct any feedback directly to him at
st05@sjnma.org
Spiffy, huh?
Anywho, yeah, this is his stuff.  Don't yell at me; I'm just the messenger.


Interesting premise.  Two notes.

One:  The Wheel of time series is a far future Earth, and there are enough 
odds and ends of artifacts for a resonably intellegent person to figure that 
out.  Take a look at the description of artifacts in the museum at Tanchico. 
  Two especially will stand out, the elephant skeleton and the Mercedes Benz 
symbol.  It will be strange, but a modern military commander would probably 
figure it out, ala the original Planet of the Apes.


Second:  You're hurrying too much.  This is a WoT/x-over, with either an 
original series or a series I'm not familar with, but you seem to be trying 
for a Jordenesque story.  The pace of the story is far to hasty for that.  
event piles upon event piles upon event with little or no description.  Slow 
down and describe things.  Set the scene.  Jordan's major strength lies in 
painting a picture so vivid, you get drawn in to his reality.  You've got a 
good start here, but it needs filling out.




Prelude
The Winds of War
Ages come and go in the Wheel of Time; only there was a change to this
cycle.


*** this is probably the first place you need to expand.  The intro to every 
WoT has several sentances which are nearly identical.  You started to use 
it, then cut it short.  That's jarring***

There were strangers in the world of the Creator.  They marked an
end to the cycle that was.  They marked the beginning of a new one.
An old wind blew.  The light breeze flowed from the north across the 
fields,caressing every grain of wheat.

***Here again the style needs a little polishing.  It's always "A wind arose 
in" (place) followed by a description of the lands it passes over till it 
arrives at the location the story begins.***




  The wheat which I brought here, among other
things.

***This is a formatting issue.  Normally, thought will be italicized.  I've 
discovered that I have to add formatting marks to plain text .doc files.  If 
you use word 2000 and up, word can automatically convert standard plain text 
format marks like *  * or _  _ into Bold or Italic respectively.  If you 
convert to plain text, it's useful to go through the document and make sure 
some type of format marks are present is any types of empahasis are 
needed.***


The thought came bitterly to the man watching the workers move
across that field.  I brought so much destruction and death to these people,
and they have repaid me with nothing but kindness.  I am the worst kind of
monster; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Stalin have nothing on me.  He observed
the change in the breeze; he felt the true meaning behind it.  So, the old
wind blows again...War is soon to come.  The village will look to me to
defend it.  They need me...just like I need them.  They are my last chance
at redemption.  He walked inside the hut that he used as his home.  The
inside differed greatly in style from the primitive appearance of the outer
shell of the building.  The hut was filled with pictures, metals, equipment,
and weapons unlike those made in the world that this guardian had called
home for many millennia.  All from a time which I was proud to be a killer
of men.  He approached the back of the hut and picked up a hat that was not
in style, and indeed never been in style on that world.  It was a black
cloth with a shield sown on it.  Upon that shield there were two silver
stars.  Under the hat the guardian noticed the two objects that he despised
most in this life.  He had once worn them proudly; he had eventually grown
to see them as proof of the countless murders for which he was responsible.
They were two simple blue silk ribbons that met at clasps of the same blue
silk, but the clasps had tiny white stars upon them.  Below the clasps were
five-pointed gold stars.  Men who lied for a living gave them to me; they
felt no regret at giving them to one who did what I did.


*** Here, you give the reader teriffic insight into the character, but 
almost none into his environment, beyond basic things.  Describe things a 
little better, it will really help.  The knick knacks and furnishings are 
provoking his thoughts, so we should be able to visualize them more clearly. 
  This has the potential to be a gripping intro, but it needs more.***



He was brought out of his mental wanderings by another entering his abode.
"I'm sorry to bother you, old friend, but the Aes Sedai are here to see you.
Lews Therin himself leads."
"Thank you," said the old warrior, dismissing the village leader.  And so it
begins.  The Aes Sedai will ask us to ally against the Dark Lord.  They will
drag my Terran Expeditionary Force into a war that will cost more lives than
Washington will find acceptable, and shortly afterward I will be ordered to
return home for a board of inquiry.  That will take too long.  Those that I
love here will be old...nay, long dead by the time I return.  The damn
effect of the dark portal - we are immortal here.  After all, only four
years have passed back on Earth, while five thousand have passed here.  Who
will take my place?  That coward, General Reed, or perhaps that blood
lusting Colonel Harrison?  I would rather leave one of the non-commissioned
officers in charge.  He turned to see a tall man enter the hut.  "Well, the
Lord of Morning himself graces me with his presence.  What does the leader
of the Aes Sedai want with the lowly commander of the United States Army's
Expeditionary Force?  Would you ask us to follow you to the very slopes of
Mount Orodruin?"  The tall well-dressed man stared at the Guardian for a
long time.  "Well, good Lord Dragon you appear speechless."
  Finally, the man spoke.  "You Terrans from this United States came here
long ago to establish your new empire.  You established a massive capitol to
the south; you train the people you have conquered in your weapons.  The
weapons are not your best, but they are your make.  You made sure of the
fact that they were well behind you in power.  After all, you gave them very
few of your chopper creatures of their own.  Not only did you give
sparingly, but those with which you gifted them appear to be weak versions
of the species despite the fact that they fly.  You have established a vast
bureaucracy and control your subjects through your ability to speak to each
other instantaneously.  Yet here you are, the leader of an empire of
conquerors, guarding a small village on the outskirts by yourself..."

***this is either too much exposistion, or not enough.  This conversation 
either needs to take place later, or it needs to be worked in in greater 
detail.  Personally, I'd place it later.***


The Guardian was amused and dismayed that the "greatest" of the humans found
on that world thought that helicopters were alive.  Native superstitions all
over again...just like the Second World War and the Islanders.  They worship
us as gods to this day.  I will not let that happen here.  "Tell me what you
came for, Channeler.  I have no time for your nonsense."
"We request your aid."
The General felt his skin grow cold, the sign that told him that the
wretched Channeler was attempting to do something to him with his "One
Power".  Fools!  Will they never accept that because of the dark portal, the
"One Power" dissolves around us?  We are natural steddings to them.  "Your
request has been approved.  My troops will aid you in the coming war."
With that, the Greatest Aes Sedai and the Major General in charge of the
U.S. Terran Expeditionary Force laid plans to attack

the Mountain of Doom...



Good start, but too short by far.  The concept sounds interesting, but there 
is far too little detail.  It's too... abrupt.  I've been accused of being 
overly verbose, but it's possible to be too tacturn as well.  Minimalism 
doesn't work for a WoT fic.

With polish, this could be quite good.  Biggest help would probably be to 
have a copy of any of the novels and work on the style of the intro 
paragraph, then expand the descriptions in the rest of it.  The thoughts are 
quite well done, and give the reader a sense of the main characters feeling 
of guilt and responsibility, and that's a good means of getting the reader 
into the story, but without vivid descriptions, it's not enough.

LSMcGill









+++++++++

So...yeah.  Tell him what you think, I guess.  Remember, direct all replies
to st05@sjnma.org if you want to contact the author; if you just want to
direct meaningless spam somewhere, send all of that to
roundfolder@trashheap.com

Also, the author requested that I edit his story a bit before posting it, so
what you are getting has already been skimmed over and corrected a bit.
Just keep that in mind.

Okay, I'm done, now.  Bai bai.

A Depraved Sociopath with Psychotic Tendencies

Humanity: A Haiku
Tiny floating leaf
Calmly floating on water
Under mushroom clouds

"Never apologize for what you are"
           -DJ Croft, from "Neon Exodus Evangelion" by Benjamin D. Hutchins
and Larry Mann

"Remind me never to say _anything_ at all. Ever."
           -Misato Katsuragi, from "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut" by Andrew
Huang




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