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----- Original Message -----
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Sunday, April 14, 2002 1:26 AM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][Dual!][lemon] Gestalt Part 2
I lied. Instead of shrinking like the first part, or being the size I
anticipated, this baby grew on me. Now the whole thing will be a total of
140K. So I'm sending the remaining 100K out in two parts. The third part
is
actually done, I merely have to do one more revision on it. It should be
out
either tomorrow or the next day.
Xxxxxxxxxxx
Between classes, Mitsuki located the object of her hunt: the last row of
classroom 2-C, two seats to the left of the window. He was leaning on the
back two legs of his chair while his feet were propped up on the desk. His
uniform was open at the collar. He was trying painfully to act
non-chalant,
an effect he was halfway succeeding at. The only thing missing was a
cigarette dangling from his mouth.
Saccharine smile plastered on her face, Mitsuki sat down in the empty seat
next to the senior and said in ecstatically happy tones, "Sanosuke."
KP: I keep trying to mentally add, 'With a'... at the beggining of this.
Sanosuke's previous relaxed posture changed as he returned his chair to
four
legs and leaned forward to smile at Mitsuki. He grinned wolfishly at her,
showing off a perfect set of teeth. "Hey, Sanada. Finally come to your
senses and dumped that wimp, Yotsuga, so you can go out with a real man?"
Any sound associated with his returning to four legs?
Mitsuki was torn between saying, "But I don't see any around," to
defending
Kazuki by claiming that if Sanosuke was ten times the man he currently
was,
he might be worthy enough to lick the sweat off Kazuki's balls. There were
a
dozen ways to deflate his ego, but it was hard choosing the most effective
way to go about it. Her acerbic reply met a silent demise in her mind as
she
recalled that she needed this lecherous idiot for her scheme to work,
though
his open arrogance nearly made her walk off and choose someone else.
Heh. The number of times a rebuke dies on my lips because I can't decide is
legendary... well, in my own mind at least ~_^
She reevaluated Sanosuke. Conceited jerk though he was, there was no
shortage of girls that were eager to go out with him when he asked.
Alternate captain on both the soccer and baseball teams, he was a star
athlete, extremely handsome, and came from a wealthy family whose money he
spent enthusiastically. All of those factors interested Mitsuki about as
much as his ability to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide, which she had
made clear the handful of times Sanosuke had asked her out. He hadn't been
able to understand how she could reject him so casually when practically
no
other girl had. It was ironic, since Mitsuki couldn't understand why any
of
them would want to go out with him.
I'd suggest using something a little more specific than them. I could be
tired but I had to page back up a little to make sure I knew 'them' was the
unspecified girls who would go out with him.
The contrast made her realize how
different other girls' standards were from hers. Lesser standards, as far
as
Mitsuki was concerned. However, if Sanosuke's attributes served as an
effective lure to the school of hungry fish that were her fellow women,
they
would aid Mitsuki well in the execution of her plan.
That perked Sanosuke's interest far more than when he had first thought
Mitsuki dropped by to ask him out. That made her twice as irritated as
before.
KP: ^_^
He placed his arm around her shoulder and forced her closer. In a deep,
throaty voice, he said, "Hey, Sanada, I got an idea. Why don't you go out
with us too? Kind of make it a threesome. I know I can show you girls the
time of your lives. Don't worry about anything. I guarantee I'm a man
enough
for both of you."
KP: heh. There goes the coffee I was drinkning. ^^
Seeing the lustful gaze he was directing toward her, it took everything
Mitsuki had not to knee him in the groin on the spot. The statement about
a
'threesome' showed her just how much of a pig Sanosuke was. He was much
worse than she remembered. In hindsight, she wished she hadn't chosen him,
but it was too late. She couldn't back out now and pick someone else; it
would risk blowing everything. Swallowing her recriminations, she said in
a
voice dripping with false sincerity, "I don't think that's such a good
idea.
You see, I have this vaginal yeast infection that's-"
KP: but... but... what's wrong with wanting a threesome! ^_^ and then I
read her excuse... would someone really admit that, to anyone? it's
hysterical though^^
Mitsuki smiled falsely again and headed for the door, feeling dirtier than
she had in months. As she exited the classroom, she overheard Sanosuke
boasting to a nearby classmate, "Yeah, and Sanada wants me too. I can tell
these things."
The veins in Mitsuki's forehead bulged badly enough that people in the
hall
kept mentioning the words 'brain embolism' as she walked past.
KP: maybe 'whispering' the words and consider throwing around the word
'tumor' or 'over-enlarged zit'. It's what I imagined it appears to be.
"You were staring at my tits like there was something wrong with them."
KP: heh.
Mitsuki saw that she now had everyone's attention, and would have done
just
about anything to return it to them. "Relax. I was just looking and making
sure I wasn't interested in you." As soon as the last word left her mouth,
Mitsuki knew that had come out horribly wrong. Pretty much as horribly
wrong
as she could have managed.
KP: hah.
Panicked, Mitsuki shouted out, "But I don't, or at least I'm not
interested
in any of you." That had come out wrong too. This was not turning out to
be
her day.
KP: heh. classic misunderstanding scene, done well.
Tanaka led the charge this time. "Oh, so what you're saying is, we aren't
attractive enough for a pervert like you, is that it?"
Realizing if she said no, that meant she would be admitting they were
attractive, and if she said yes, it would still be interpreted as an
admission of lesbianism, as well as getting the girls angry with her,
Mitsuki instead tried, "Can we forget this ever happened?"
"Get out, you disgusting pervert!" Bottles of shampoo and other cleaning
utensils headed towards Mitsuki's way. She bolted out the door to the
locker
rooms before they started throwing something heavier, like lockers, at
her.
It had gone from one hell of a morning to one hell of a day.
KP: what was she wearing when she fled? You couldn't have had her decide
to check out the other girls after she had been reduced to bra and panties?
Okay, so I'm a little pervert, sue me =p
Eyes continuously scanning the lunch counters, Mitsuki saw the second
participant in her plan standing alone and serving the hot foods. She made
her way over and stopped in front of the target. Sweetly, she greeted,
"Good
afternoon, Mitsuki."
KP: the last is a little akward. Rara speaks, and then in the first
paragraph below she comes out of her reverie, or are they both named
Mitsuki? My Dual knowledge is limited>_<
"Oh!" Rara, startled out of her reverie of pouring food onto plates,
focused
her eyes on Mitsuki. "Come over here." Rara led Mitsuki over to the end of
the display, where they could have some measure of privacy. Rara looked
around furtively, and seeing no one around, whispered in an angry tone,
"Mitsuki, I heard you were hitting on some girls in the locker room. Is
that
true?"
"NO!" Mitsuki cringed and looked around. Sure enough, she had managed to
gain everyone's attention. In an exaggerated voice, she said, "I have
plenty
of money. You don't need to loan me any." It had the desired of effect of
making everyone return to eating and talking.
Rara released a deep breath and placed her hand to her chest. "That's a
relief."
KP: heh
The hope and trust in those eyes made Mitsuki feel a pang of regret for
what
she was about to do. The memory of Rara congratulating Kazuki speared the
regret through its torso and pinned it to a wall, reminding her what was
going to happen if the situation was left as it was.
KP: 'situation was' -- extra space.
Eyebrows twitching, Mitsuki forced out, "He's a major hunk." Of brain dead
beef. "Pleasant personality." Just like a limp dishrag. "Very popular."
With
himself. "Knows how to treat a girl like a lady." One that hangs out at
street corners and is paid by the hour. "He's an all around great guy."
Whose greatest contribution to humanity will be donating his body to
science.
KP: nice
"That's true. He's got all the coordination of a monkey with two broken
feet
when he tries kicking the ball. I once saw him trip over... Hey! We're
getting off the subject here." Mitsuki composed herself. "What I was
trying
to say was Sanosuke has a crush on this girl, but he hasn't been able to
work up the nerve to tell her how he feels. He's sort of been admiring her
from afar, and trying to find the courage to ask her out. It seems that
for
all of his confidence, he's actually shy when it comes to girls he's
interested in. And I found out today that he's finally found the guts to
put
it all on the line and ask her out on a date. Get it?"
KP: I think it's a good thing Rara doesn't know this guy...
"But that was only because I thought he was interested in you. If he's
interested in me, that's completely different."
KP: heh
"That's pretty cold. I would hate to think what would happen if Kazuki
heard
how you blew someone off like that. I'll try to keep it quiet, of course,
but you know how gossip spreads around here. Hard to keep anything a
secret."
"Oh dear. I wouldn't want him to think that." Rara began chewing on her
lower lip.
"And it's too bad because Sanosuke is a genuine... nice guy."
"I doubt if he's as nice as Kazuki."
KP: I love this conversation.
"Of course." And either one of two outcomes would occur. Either Rara would
have a good enough time with Sanosuke that she would want to date him
again,
or Mitsuki would see to it that Kazuki found out, in excruciating detail,
that Rara had gone out with a guy behind his back. Kazuki would feel
betrayed and never trust Rara again. The second would be a whole lot
messier, so Mitsuki hoped for the former. That way Rara could have some
cretin that would use her for his own self-centered ends while only caring
about himself. He would cheat on her regularly, and with Rara's
gullibility,
she would probably never believe that he was no matter how much evidence
there was.
Well, maybe the first was messier after all.
KP: neither outsome is a real winner. But that makes it fun!
"You look great." Mitsuki gave a close inspection of her counterpart. Rara
had chosen a soft blue dress with white gloves and a wide white belt that
matched perfectly. The dress fit snugly in all the right places and loose
in
all the others, making her look taller and even more beautiful,
accentuating
her bust without making it appear too large. Mitsuki hated to admit it,
but
Rara had definitely inherited her mother's cutting edge fashion sense.
KP: the same mother who dressed as a dominatrix?
"This is it," Rara said with all the enthusiasm of the condemned walking
to
the gallows. "What were you going to say, Mitsuki?"
KP: lot's of executioner imagery here? Should I consider that
foreshadowing? ~_^
Taking a deep breath, Rara firmed her shoulders up and thrust her chin out
boldly. "I suppose I should try to enjoy myself and treat this as a
learning
experience."
KP: That's the spirit, nothing beats the experience learned from be the
subject of an execution!
"Beautiful? I could never use that word to refer to anything other than
yourself when in your stunning presence." He bowed deeply.
KP: I've used lines like that... but completely tongue-in-cheek, wow!
Mitsuki gave her back to the couple before rolling her eyes. Could he be
any
more insincere? Did girls really fall for lines like that?"
"Why thank you, but you're wrong. I'm not that pretty," Rara said as she
blushed.
KP: Mitsuki, some do. *nods saddly*
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
KP: are the scene breaks purposeful because of the lemon tag?
Aside from the glances, Sanosuke had been a sociable date in every other
respect. He had let her choose the movie and order what she wanted from
the
menu, paying for everything without batting an eye. He hadn't even
attempted
to hold her hand, which she had decided from the outset was all the
farther
she would let him go.
KP; 'all the farther' is strange. 'the farthest' is maybe what you meant.
Perhaps he was having a bad time and wouldn't want to
ask her out again. Mitsuki found the thought reassuring, and hoped it was
true, even if it meant she was a bad date. But she had so little
experience
with men, it was impossible to tell what mood Sanosuke was really in.
Her struggles finally stopped altogether. This was what he had been
waiting
for. His hands went to unbuckle his pants. It was about time this date had
finally gotten to the good part.
KP: -_-;;
He was still marveling at the size of the nut when the noises from the car
stopped. So intent was the squirrel with admiring his catch that he failed
to notice how quickly the sounds had ceased. A moment later, the silence
was
shattered by the clamorous sound of something breaking. The noise froze
the
squirrel in its tracks and caused his heart to nearly leap out of his
chest.
Motionless, he watched one of the shiny surfaces around the top of the
rumbler break into a half-dozen pieces and fall to the ground, shattering
into a dozen more. It looked up to see what had caused this disruption to
the serenity of the night. Something round and with short hair poked out
of
the hole that had been created. A wet substance fell from it to trickle to
the ground where the dry soil drank it greedily. The smell of blood
drifted
from the opening and assailed the squirrel's nostrils. Instincts took over
as it was shaken out of its reverie and ran back to the protection of its
tree, acorn left lying where it had been found.
KP: interesting perspective to end this part on. I like it, if the subject
matter bother's me>_<. I've only scene the first 5 or 6 episodes of Dual,
so a comment or two may have stemmed from lack of understanding. but that
being said, it's a nice treat to read something about a series I'm not very
familiar with, and still get a nice clear picture of the personalities of
the characters. In that regard you did awonderful job.
And I must say again, I loved the conversation between Rara and Mutsiki. I
also realize that Rara is also a Mutsuki, so I might suggest, always using
Rara, even if situation would dictate the use of Mitsuki for her. It would
make a couple parts much clearer to me.
I didn't find too much wrong, and my comments as is, can probably be ignored
as I think they are prefrences, not anything that's tecnicvally incorrect.
But hopefully they let you know which scenes, and gags, expecially worked
for me.
I see the next part is out, so I must go read now after that nasty
cliff-hanger.
Ja,
KP
Someone who doesn't really do a lot of C&C, or fanfic reading for that
matter, but is excstatic he stumbled on and gave this gem a chance.
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