At 9:29 AM -0700 4/12/02, Brian Welch wrote:
--- Raja <ratendido@mac.com> wrote:
Hey, everyone,
Here is the first portion of Chapter 5 of my fanfic,
"Obeying Destiny."
It's kind of a rough draft at the moment, so I'm
open to suggestions as
to how to make it better. In other words, I would
love, love, LOVE to
get any kind of C&C...I have no pre-readers at the
moment. Please let me know what you think!
Pretty please?
OK, I'll give it a shot.
Thanks!
---***---
Obeying Destiny
an "Aa! Megamisama!" fanfic
by Raja
---***---
The Premise:
Before Urd and Skuld could complete the Ultimate
Magic Circle of Warding,
Kami-sama stepped in and stopped them, allowing the
recall notice for
Belldandy to take effect. In punishment for trying
to use an advanced
magical construct without permission, and for trying
to thwart the will
of the Almighty, Skuld has to handle the
re-programming to cover up
Belldandy's time on Earth, and Urd has to remain at
the temple, posing
as a Nekomi Tech student, to help maintain the
revised reality.
I remember this one, now. The "failed Circle of
Warding" premise was a little too angsty and
OVA-centric for my tastes, so I stopped reading. I
much prefer the manga characterizations and a lighter
touch. Not to say that your story lacks these, it was
just my impression/expectation after reading a bit of
the first chapter. I should probably go back and read
those other chapters now...
Well, I started with the OVA continuity, but I'm adding in more and
more manga things as I go.
Mara again smashed her hands against the Virtua
Fighter 4 machine,
frustration evident in every move she made.
This scene was great! Mara really needs to have Urd
sit her down and give her some pointers on how you
play video games.
I've played out this scene many times in real life...it gets a bit
pricey. Knowing Urd, she'd probably prefer competing against Mara
rather than teaching her. (Either might be a fun scene to write...)
"Bugs? What are you talking about?" Mara began to
wave her arms at the
scattered, wrecked machines laying about. "You
wrecked my entire
set-up! Just wait until I tell your mother about
this --"
"Somehow I think that the Daimakaicho will be more
interested in YOUR
activities of late," Urd said, in a suddenly cool
voice.
"Daimakaicho...Hell has a chairman of the board?"
Megumi whispered to
Peorth.
I realize that Sayoko and Megumi wouldn't know who
Mara is because this storyline follows the OVA
continuity and occurs before Mara met either of them
in the manga, but in a similar vein Peorth wouldn't
know that Hild was Urd's mom, maybe not even know
Urd's mom was a demon. Also, whether or not Urd cared
about Peorth finding out about her demon blood, it's
certain she wouldn't want Peorth to know that her
mother was Hild herself. Not unless there was a very
good reason for it.
Hmm...it looks like I have to go back and read the manga translations
again (it's been a little while). However, I think this can be easily
fixed...as soon as I find the time to do it (real life is intruding
again...)
Urd looked at her two companions.
Megumi held out her hands and shrugged.
Keiichi said, "I never play these fighting games."
Urd looked back at Sarah Bryant of Virtua Fighter
fame. "Okay, we're in trouble."
I assume Urd's saying that because they're stuck in a
video game? Assuming her powers and freedom of action
aren't severely limited (which would require some sort
of magical device/spell and a heck of a lot of power
to back it up, something outside the abilities of
bugs), there's probably a major part of Urd going
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" at the prospect of relieving a little
of the stress she's been under lately. Urd absolutely
rocks at video games, whether she's controlling them
or a part of them. Though I'm sure she would, indeed,
"go easy" on Sarah - it'd be more fun that way. ^_^
Thanks, I knew I forgot something. I was planning to say something
about how the hurried transport of herself plus two people had taken
a lot of energy, but I just plain forgot...I'll rethink her reaction,
though.
Overall comments: This chapter doesn't seem as angsty
as I was expecting, though the whole
suffering-of-Keiichi (and presumably Belldandy)
thing... I'll have to check out the other chapters to
tell for sure.
Anyway, not a bad premise. Characterizations seem to
be on target, the AMG feel is there even if the
setting is Alternate Timeline. Glad to see you aren't
taking this to Alternate Universe.
Brian W.
I did feel the need to lighten up a bit, especially after ch. 4,and that
plus too much time spent on PS2 led to this. Thanks for your comments,
I do appreciate them (after all, I think I can use all the help I can get!).
Raja