I noticed in Brian's comments that he said he found no real errors.
Guess I need to show him how it's done.  ^_-

    No joke comments, though.  Sorry, I guess I'm just not in a mood where
I'm very funny...

Ancient parchment crackled and filled the air with a musty odor as the
scroll was unrolled for the first time in over two centuries. Over the
decades since its creation it had been subjected to every physical
punishment imaginable: Rain, fire, cold, and even five-year old children
armed with crayons. Being entombed in a damp cave for nearly a decade had
worn away the edges, and only a careful grip, along with a special
preservative oil, kept the scroll from disintegrating as it was forced

from

the rolled up tube its form had carried since the day it had been

completed.

    creation, it

    If the scroll has been in a damp cave for a decade, why isn't it moldy?

    'rolled up tube its form had carried' is stilted.  Suggest rewording.

    I take it the cave in question was the one Happi was sealed into by
Genma and Soun?  If so, then that would mean they did it about the same time
Genma and Ranma left on their training journey.  That doesn't seem to jibe
as a reasonable timeframe.

Tears filled the ancient master's eyes as the full impact of what he held

in

his withered hands struck him. Back when he had first come across the

scroll

during a tour of the Middle East some fifty years ago, he had been certain
he had overheard that sheik say the parchment held a recipe for some sort

of

potion to increase one's amorous prowess. On the spot, Happosai decided it
was his responsibility to take such a powerful item away from one so
lascivious, lest the fat man used it on himself and unleashed his

ill-gotten

adoration on the beautiful and vast harem he owned. A bevy of the most
attractive women made up the composition of the harem, representing a
veritable mountain of breasts. And the panties, certainly the sheik had
spared no expense in outfitting the women in his palace of pleasure. Even
Happosai had been hard pressed to liberate them all, but he had. That
success was one of the proudest accomplishments in his long life.

    lest the fat man use it on himself and unleash his

    'ill-gotten adoration' doesn't make any sense in the context.  It sounds
like the sheik is the one doing the adoring.  Please reword.

    the panties!  Certainly

Several drops of drool fell from Happosai's mouth and splattered on the
scroll. The sounds of the liquid hitting the parchment shook him out of

his

reverie. A wish he most certainly deserved. All that was left was what to
wish for. So much potential. So many things. He doubted he could wish for
more wishes; that just wasn't the way these things worked. That meant he

had

to make this single shot at eternal happiness count. What was the one

thing

he wished for more than anything else? The one thing that would be

eternally

out of his reach no matter how hard he tried?

    Suggest: A wish was something he most certainly deserved.

The answer struck him all at once, like a woman's slap when he tried to

show

them his appreciation by embracing their chest. He stared down at the
parchment and said, "I wish everyone else in the world were nubile young
girls with large breasts, that they had an unlimited supply of panties,

and

that they'll let a venerable old man like me grope them so that he can

enjoy

his twilight years in peace and comfort."

    Numeric agreement: 'like a woman's slap when he tried to show her his
appreciation by embracing her chest.'

"Get away from me, you pervert!" Akane yelled as her fist met Happosai's

jaw

right before he could land in the valley, or at least relatively large
ditch, that her cleavage created.

    jaw, right

    valley--or at least relatively large ditch--that

Feeling dirtier than ever, even if Happosai had failed to reach her, Akane
headed for the bathroom until she spotted the green pillar of mist that
hovered above the scroll that had been left on the ground. "Now what did

the

little creep do? Set something on fire?"

    Suggest: Akane was about to head for the bathroom.  Then she spotted

Irate, she approached the parchment, intent on putting it out, when the
mists shifted. The upper half of the column coalesced, solidifying until

it

formed the upper torso of a powerful looking man-like thing. It wasn't

quite

human, at least none that Akane had ever seen. Its emerald chest was
inhumanly broad, even moreso than Lime's impressive physique. It was
hairless, and had yellow slanted eyes that lacked pupils. Even its ears

were

alien, being incredibly long and with tips that tapered off into sharp
points. What should have been the lower torso remained a green mist that
seemed intent on hovering in place.

    more so than

The yellow slits that served as the genie's eyes turned to Akane. In a

voice

that was surprisingly melodious given its powerful form, the it asked,

"What

is your wish?"

    form, it asked,

Akane pulled at her hair in frustration. This was too important for her to
screw up. If she made the wrong wish, she'd regret it for the rest of her
life, and there were too many things to wish for. Never before had she

been

aware of the importance of a second as they raced by, one after another
inexorably. A minute full of indecision was forever lost.

    Suggest: A full minute was forever lost to indecision.

The kitchen was behind her in an instant as she raced twice as quickly to
the living room where the genie remained floating in the exact spot she

had

left him. There was twice as much mist in the room, and his form was
becoming less discernible. Only those yellow slits that served as his eyes
remained unchanged.

    instant, as

    You used the word 'twice'... Well... Twice.

"I have my wish!" Akane gasped. It took her a moment to figure out how to
phrase the question so that it was simple enough to not be misinterpreted.
Satisfied with the phrasing and unwilling to waste another second lest she
lose this chance, Akane said, "I wish my mother had never been in a car
accident."

"So that she can be with us today," Akane quickly added, hoping the being
didn't refuse the last second addition to the request. She didn't want her
mother to not die in a car wreck, only to have her life end because of

some

lingering disease or equally premature death three months after the crash
had been avoided. If the genie protested the addition, Akane could claim

she

had merely paused for breath. Less than a second had passed between
"accident" and "so", and he would almost certainly have to accept that as

an

explanation.

    This part confuses me.  How could this phrasing result in their mother
being 17?  Was she supposedly involved in more than one accident?

Akane looked all around. She didn't feel any different. Why didn't she
remember her mother not dying in a wreck? Had she just magically appeared
upstairs in their father's bedroom and everything else remained the same?
Perhaps she had appeared somewhere else, but Akane had specifically
requested that her mother "be with us (meaning her family) today." Even if
the woman popped up next to Nabiki, wherever she was, they should still

have

proof of their mother's continued survival within a couple of hours. At
least that was what Akane hoped.

    As Brian noted, the master bedroom is on the first floor, next to the
family room.

Kachinko Tendou looked strangely around the room, then leveled an

accusatory

finger at the gaping girls. "All right! You two got about three seconds to
explain what you did to my house, or else there's going to be some ass
kicking going on, and from the looks of things, you two got more than

enough

butt to last me a while!"

    As a name, 'Kachinko' leaves something to be desired, IMHO.  It's too
close to 'Pachinko'.

    ass-kicking






   Ja mata,
   Larry F

   The Lost Library of Florestica:
   http://rakhal.com/florestica/

   La Biblioteca Perdida de Phantasia:
   http://phantasiaca.tripod.com



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