W4 wrote:
The following is a chapter from an improvisational fanficiton posted at
http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net.
This chapter was written by A.o.D. (no current email available).
Drat. Let's hope that this can somehow be gotten to him, then.
You see, Carver had brought with him a significant amount of
heavy firepower with the deliberate intent of putting Sayan666 firmly
in the dead-book. Most of his complement of weaponry didn't adhere to
the laws of physics of over half of the worlds that he knew of, to
include the one he's currently in. Furthermore, this aforementioned
weaponry afforded a person a level of firepower roughly equivalent to
the bomb dropped on Nagasaki on a Earth that might make a more
familiar reference point to some.
to include -- including (?)
a Earth -- an Earth
Carver fires another volley from a shoulder mounted rocket
launcher at Raiford Yablonski, nee Sayan666. Just like all the
previous volleys, the projectile found it's mark, but Sayan666 failed
to even notice the impact. He was much more engrossed with beating
the snot out of Goku, who was suffering badly at his hands.
it's -- its
"God damnit" he says. "This is worse than I thought it was
going to be. Try the railgun, Hale."
damnit" he -- damnit," he
Carver nods for a bit before speaking, "This could be another
aspect of what happened with the Kelsey case. I'd be willing to bet
that if we fire this weapon at Yablonski, it would be ineffective."
"So what do we do now?" Carver says just as Goku is finally
piledriven deep beneath the surface of the planet, "Do you have any
ideas?"
Should there be some kind of pause between those two paragraphs,
since it's the same speaker? Maybe something to indicate a passage of
time, some reaction from Hale, etc.?
Carver takes the massive railgun from Hale's hand and sights
in on the hole in the ground that marked where Sayan666 slammed Goku
into the planet's crust. He waits a few minutes for Sayan666 to
re-emerge from the hole in the ground, and finally his target hurtles
>from the hole that was made just a few moments before.
That last sentence is a bit awkward.
Carver sights in and gently squeezes the trigger between
breaths. As he does, the front of his weapon jerks wildly, sending a
depleted uranium slug flying through the air fast enough to cause the
surrounding air to incandece. The slug, designed to punch through
heavily armored vehicles and continue on with minimal loss in velocity,
slams into the back of Sayan666's head; Carver is nothing if not a
good shot.
head; Carver -- head; Carver (only need the extra space trailing a
period, not a semicolon)
"Un-fucking-believable." Carver mutters in a disgusted tone.
He'd dealt with some hard cases before, but this is the first he's
ever seen someone shrug off a direct hit from an anti-tank weapon.
What's worse is that he still doesn't have Sayan666's attention.
believable." Carver -- believable," Carver
"Oh fuck this." he says as he flips a small switch on the side
of his weapon.
this." he -- this," he
"Ow! Hey! OUCH! OWWWWWwww! HEY! Stop.. OW! Stop that!!"
Sayan666 yells heroically.
Stop.. -- Stop... (or replace the elipses with a dash)
Hale, who until this point had been watching from cover,
realized that she had to act quickly or Carver would be killed.
had -- has
realized -- realizes (tenses)
"WAIT!!" She shouts as she leaps from her hiding spot.
Sayan666 turns and looks from where he's hovering over the
servo-assisted battlesuit that contains Carver.
WAIT!!" She -- WAIT!!" she (also, maybe consider removing the extra
exclamation points? One should be enough.)
"Another Mecha-suited bozo? Don't you know that you can't
hurt me?" boasts Yablonski.
Mecha -- mecha (?)
"No. Sometimes there's just no gun in all the earth's big
enough to take out an ego that bloated."
earth's -- Earths (I believe)
"Hale, there's one thing you've gotta learn about this
business: No one, but no one calls off a case in this business.
We're the first and last lines of defense against those egomaniacal
usurpers. Now I'm not angry with you, but I need for you to understand
something from the get-go. If the job is too big, you regroup, or you
get backup. Under no circumstances do you just walk away. If we
fail, then that's the end. I don't just mean death, either. If
Sayan666 were allowed to have free reign in this universe, eventually
this alternate universe would literally fall apart."
First sentence: repetition 'business'.
"Let's go." She says.
go." She -- go," she
"Are you sure we won't need those battlesuits?" asks Hale
somewhat pensively, "Better yet, are you absolutely, positively sure
that I need to wear this.. this.. bondage gear?"
pensively, "Better -- pensively. "Better
this.. this.. -- this... this... (should be three periods in an
elipses, four if it terminates a sentence)
When Sayan 666 finally arrives, the sun is rising on Namek,
and the whole affair is almost anticlimatic. That is, if one can call
a pillar of light accompanied with blasting theme music, and a
Seven-foot tall muscle-bound freak with ten-foot long flowing spiky
hair anticlimactic.
Seven -- seven
"I see that you've found the nega-dragonball. I'm impressed.
I had thought that it did not exist." Hale says in her best attempt at
haughtiness.
Wasn't the last instance 'Nega-Dragon Ball'? Constistancy.
"Alas," Hale says hurriedly, "you have the nega-dragonball. I
am already defeated. It is a well known fact that I cannot stand
against any who possess the nega-ball. Very well, I must present to
you the source of my power, for it is so decreed that I must do so."
Nega-Dragon Ball
Carver bows, and with a flourish pulls out a glowing white
ball. It is clearly a product of technology, as it has a panel of
buttons attached to it, and several metal panels are interconnected by
ribbed tubing. He cautiously steps towards Yablonski and presents the
device to him. There is a tense moment as Yablonski regards Hale and
Carver with suspicion. When he finally accepts it, the pair breath a
sigh of relief.
suggest: panel of buttons -- row of buttons (panel is used later in
the same sentence)
breath -- breathe
"No, you're not the mightiest. Just the dumbest," retorts
Carver whom, until this point, had remained silent.
Carver whom, until -- Carver, whom until (I _think_. I could be
wrong. Judges?)
Raiford only manages an unintelligible "Wha..?" before the orb
in his hands activates. The surrounding plateu disappears, and there
is a brief moment of discontinuity. Suddenly, the trio is standing on
a crowded city street. Where they were standing on Namek moments
before, they now found themselves in a city that could be no where but
Earth.
"Wha..?" -- "Wha--" (Option, I suppose, but two periods and then
some other exclamation isn't commonly accepted, I think (though when I
think about it, it does make sense).)
"You tricked me! I do not know why you brought me back to
Earth, but you'll know defeat all the same!" Yablonski shouts as he
leaps into the air...
do not -- don't (?)
"This is the wrong universe for that sort of thing, Raiford."
says Carver cooly.
Raiford." says -- Raiford," says
"We've been at this job long enough, don't you think?" He says
as he pulls a revolver out of his belt.
He -- he (Unless Carver is God.)
Raiford's body is still warm by the time Hale changes into
something less revealing.
In the middle of the city, and no one notices? I find it interesting
that they could have taken him in, but they chose to kill him.
"You know Russell, this is starting to become a running joke."
Carver: Yes I know Russell, but it's not a running joke yet!
know Russell -- know, Russell
"Carver." Russell says by way of greeting.
"Carver." Russel -- "Carver," Russel
Russell is once again sitting in the darkest corner of The
Middle of Nowhere. Carver was hoping to unwind after that last
assignment, particularly that last assignment. It was more stressful
than most. He didn't like having his entire arsenal rendered useless
because he'd underestimated his assignment. If it hadn't been for
some quick thinking on his part, and even quicker thinking on Hale's
part, he's pretty sure that one or both of them would have ended up
dead.
Second line -- repetition of 'last assignment'.
Russell's presence here didn't help matters any. Carver
figures that Russell has his reasons, but the fact that he staged his
own death and became a loose cannon doesn't help his blood pressure
any. Russell used to put Carver on edge in the past, but that mostly
due to the fact that Russell dealt in things that made large
explosions. That feeling of edginess is only increased. It's almost
as if Russell himself was primed to explode.
that mostly due -- that was mostly due -- that's mostly due -- that
is mostly due (Unsure, considering the tense)
"What makes you think I staged my death?" Russell stares at
Carver intently, "You might want to order a drink. What I'm about to
say may sound less like a line of bullshit."
intently, "You -- intently. "You
"Four weeks?" interjects Carver, "I had no idea you operated
so slowly."
Carver, "I -- Carver. "I
"I'm nothing if not thorough." Russell says with a grin, as
though he'd just hit upon a private joke.
thorough." Russel -- thorough," Russel
Carver is sitting at a conference table across from a Japanese
man and two of his assistants. The man is wearing dark, ruby colored
glasses and has the habit of talking from behind his steepled, gloved
hands. Carver is alone this time.
I love this scene.
"I must commend you on your agency's promptness," the man,
Gendou Ikari, says, "I've only informed them of my, problem, just this
morning. I must say that I'm pleased to deal with such efficiency."
says, "I've -- says. "I've
"We try to be the most professional outfit in our line of
work," Carver says with a smirk, "now, if you don't mind, I've already
read the sitrep provided by NERV to the agency, but I'd like to be
given an appraisal of the situation by yourself."
smirk, "now -- smirk. "Now
"Furthermore, this new pilot, Chyld-X, as he calls himself,
has displayed mecha-piloting prowess beyond even the level that our
best pilot has achieved. Simply put, his ability to interface with
his Eva unit surpasses even the theoretical limits of the technology,
not to even mention the supposed practical limitations."
Gendo: You can't do that! That's unpossible!
"The Eva unit depicted in that footage is unit-69," he says
without the slightest trace of amusement, "The highest numeral
nomenclature we have reached up to this point is 03.
amusement, "The -- amusement. "The
"However, that is not my greatest loss. He has somehow
managed to compromise the other two children in the program. He is
romantically involved with both Asuka Langley and, " Ikari's face
displays a nervous tick as he draws a breath to complete his thought,
"Rei Ayanami. I wasn't concerned when Langley became involved with
this interloper, she's both impulsive and irresponsible, furthermore I
expected the affair to end in one of the Langley girl's fits. It
wasn't until he seduced Ayanami that I realized how far things have
gone. I was under the impression that Rei becoming involved with
another person in such a manner was... impossible."
and, " Ikari -- and, "Ikari
"Normally NERV keeps all of its affairs in house, and if I had
my way, this incident would have been no exception. In fact, the
footage you just saw was one such effort to minimalize future
disruptions on his part.
in house -- in-house (I'm not sure about this one, actually)
"Yes we have, and it is situated in our auxiliary hangar. My
technicians assure me that it is ready for immediate use. I would
like to say that if I had known you required an Eva, I would have made
one available to you." replies Ikari.
you." replies -- you," replies
And this line, more than any other, helps drive the point home, I
think. Gendo willing to give the man an EVA, he's that desparate to get
the situation dealt with.
"I appreciate your offer, but your Eva units would have been
of no use to me. It was necessary that I provided my own equipment.
"On the other hand, I will need one thing from you."
Unless there's a pause between those lines (best illuistrated by an
action of some sort) you might want to combine those paragraphs into one.
"I.. see. There is one other thing. I was informed that
there would be two of you. What became of your partner?"
I.. -- I... (three periods in an elipses, four if it terminates a
sentence)
"If you must know, my partner is a new recruit. At the moment
she's being trained by another agent in special operations. She was
only with me for initial indoctrination and procedures. Should you
need to employ us in the future, you'll get a chance to meet her."
Gendo: In other words, if you do your job right, I'll never see her.
Carver: You catch on quick.
Carver couldn't be happier.
Heh!
Carver sighs and closes the channel. Except for that one
incoming warning, radio silence is to be maintained in order to
maximize the element of surprise. The only upper hand that he's ever
had in these assignments is surprise. It's a good weapon, too.
Carver cannot begin to count the number of times he's terminated an
assignment where the target didn't check out with a look of dumb shock
on their face.
Last sentence is a bit awkward.
"Welcome to MechOS '35. Please enter the voice key." chimes a
computer generated voice.
key." chimes -- key," chimes
"Lima, Lima, Mike, Foxtrot." intones Carver, and the computer
confirms the correct entry.
Foxtrot." intones -- Foxtrot," intones
Deep within the heart of the machine Carver pilots, a fusion
engine roars to life. Systems are initialized and actuators perform
diagnostic checks. The environmental systems inside the cockpit whirr
into life sending fresh, cool air into the cramped compartment.
Carver's heads up display flashes into operation, giving Carver an
immediate update on the surrounding conditions and displaying the
approaching Eva's position. The status indicator comes online as
well, informing Carver that the humanoid ATL-7K Atlas that he's
piloting is undamaged and has a full complement of munitions.
Repetition, "to life".
The first type is practically modus operandi for the agency,
but more than a few missions depend on dumb luck. The last two types
are strictly non-standard methods of operation. Normally, Jack Carver
likes to keep things by the book, but for once, he doesn't mind at
all.
I enjoyed this segment greatly.
A few closing notes:
Self-Extraction was originally co-created by Thomas Wilde
(aka Wanderer), Myself, and several others.
Hehe, well, so far I'm enjoying it, and I hope that this e-mail will
reach the author.
Mad Props go to Wanderer for actually getting this started and being
insane enough to hand off archiving this thing to a third party.